Anyone choose the boat over the woman?

[Spinner]

I had a husband (now deceased), have a daughter, SIL and two grandsons! I love them to pieces!

 

[SteveK]

Greetings,
Mr. k. I had exactly the same thought. Thanks.

That looks like a relative in law on the wife side of outlaws.

 

[NUTIN FANCY TOO]

My 2cents? If she won't even get on a boat to look at one,she's trying to change you into someone you're not.
It seems like "most "women want to turn us into that "perfect"man. And there isn't one out there. She's trying to kill your dream. I've lost 3 girlfriends over boats. No biggie. I love my old Grand Banks, and she treats me good. She doesn't want me to change, unlike the 3 ex's.
Bottom line? You dodged a bullet. Be glad you found out now,and not AFTER you had bought your boat.
Live your dream Capt.

 

[BandB]

My 2cents? If she won't even get on a boat to look at one,she's trying to change you into someone you're not.
It seems like "most "women want to turn us into that "perfect"man. And there isn't one out there. She's trying to kill your dream. I've lost 3 girlfriends over boats. No biggie. I love my old Grand Banks, and she treats me good. She doesn't want me to change, unlike the 3 ex's.
Bottom line? You dodged a bullet. Be glad you found out now,and not AFTER you had bought your boat.
Live your dream Capt.

Wifey B: Just as he's trying to change her into someone she isn't. Don't place the blame on her as it's both of them equally.

 

[HeadMistress]

If she won't even get on a boat to look at one,she's trying to change you into someone you're not.

But he's trying to change her into someone she's not.

It seems like "most "women want to turn us into that "perfect"man. And there isn't one out there.

And most of you who've posted here want to turn US into the "perfect " woman that doesn't exist either. It's not surprising that so many of you have multiple exes..."my way or the highway" isn't the basis for good relationships.

--Peggie

 

[BandB]

If she won't even get on a boat to look at one,she's trying to change you into someone you're not.

But he's trying to change her into someone she's not.

It seems like "most "women want to turn us into that "perfect"man. And there isn't one out there.

And most of you who've posted here want to turn US into the "perfect " woman that doesn't exist either. It's not surprising that so many of you have multiple exes..."my way or the highway" isn't the basis for good relationships.

--Peggie

Wifey B: YAY Peggie!

It is amazing to read how one sided their comments are. I'm so disappointed at how many see this as her fault. It'd definitely both. And you're being quite ugly. but very right in pointing our how many here have multiple exes. It's like sitting around (and same with a bunch of women as with a bunch of men) and the ones who want to give you matrimonial or relationship advice are the ones on their umpteenth spouse with many additional failed relationships.

So, I'll give you my take. People don't talk enough up front as they're scared to deal with real issues. They don't discuss those things really important to them. They're afraid of subjects that might be problematic. This relationship could have been resolved on the day these two met with open and honest discussion.

Dating should be a time of discovery. However, seems like couples are afraid of what they might discover. Easy if your entire relationship is going our for dinner, shows, tourist activities, and sex. Movie is like the most useless date as you sit quietly for 2 hours and don't talk. I see couples who never discuss children and find out he wants a large family and she wants no kids. It's not his fault for wanting many or her fault for wanting none. It's their fault for never talking it out. There are many issues that must be resolved or you're doomed. Living on a boat full time vs never getting on a boat even once is a pretty big divide and insanity to be talking about it at this late point.

 

[SteveK]

There is something warm and fuzzy having two perfect women explaining how to find a perfect woman.

 

[BandB]

There is something warm and fuzzy having two perfect women explaining how to find a perfect woman.

Wifey B:

Actually just pointing out finding a partner, regardless, and that those who always blame the other for failed relationships are not likely to be on the path to success. I didn't even indicate it as an issue of either sex.

Funny thing about the perfect man or woman. Only takes one other person to believe she or he is that. 99.9999999% of the men or women around would have run far away from me in the first six months of dating if not the first night. Neither of us had ever been in a serious relationship and neither believed they were ever likely to be.

Funniest is that superficially and at first glance, hubby and I would have seemed to most about as opposite and likely incompatible as any two people could be. Wild young girl vs distinguished serious business man. I think of Promises Promises when he is so elated to discover she likes basketball. Well, I like basketball, but hubby and I talked and talked about our lives, our aspirations, our likes and dislikes, our fears and insecurities, our values.

Dating is typically such a lousy way to figure things out. Nice restaurant is fun. Movie or concert is fun. Sex is fun. Ok, we're perfect for happily ever after then. Omg what bs, what an artificial pretense dating can be. I've seen couples date for months and know nothing about each other.

 

[HeadMistress]

George and Ruth--a real couple, btw (see my first post)--managed to have it both ways, so it is possible... IF both people want it to be.

It's not only during dating that people don't talk enough. So many couples divorce after about 20 years because they invested all their energy in their children and their own careers, none in their own relationship...and find that they no longer have a relationship once the kids have grown up and left home. So instead of trying to rebuild their relationship, the husband bails out of the marriage and goes in search of the "perfect" woman....and that's what's wrong with your comment, Steve:

There is something warm and fuzzy having two perfect women explaining how to find a perfect woman

They don't exist!!



--Peggie

 

[rgano]

Owned the GB42 when I met my future wife. After lunch that first day, I took her out for and afternoon run to the barrier island; just a three-hour tour. Five months later we were married, and have enjoyed boating together ever since. She is the one who misses the GB after we sold it than I ever will.

 

[OldDan1943]

I am the man your mother warned you about.

 

[psneeld]

Maybe there's nobody to blame...

I always say none of us really knows what goes on behind bedroom doors so never assume one or the other is to "blame".

But I will say, if she won't even try something you are really interested in....I personally wouldnt give her a second chance,

I have been through my share and women destined for boating are not plentiful. Daytripping...no problem...leaving family behind...not in their makeup. Works for some but not the majority in my experience. Nesting is a strong personality trait. Heck lots of guys have it too, so the reverse of a woman cruiser looking for a cruising man could be difficult also. But again my experience is at least 10 to 1 men solo cruisers to women. And many of the women cruisers I have met arent all that interested in men.

Really depends on you....some people hate doing things alone and want a close companion, some can go good lengths of time without anyone....its a hard decision what you are..

Chose wrong now and a great companion but not cruiser might be gone....but don't choose and a dream might be gone.....or turn to crap in the future. I hated those times I chose one over the other as it went back and forth more than a couple of times..

I have cruised with a good travelling companion with benefits for years....but ultimately we had to separate as we were too different on some topics.

Things have worked out for now....but I have had a lifetime of boating and heavy cruising might be behind me so other activities are looking good....but still keeping the trawler.

Good luck.

 

[Lepke]

Have the boat before the woman. Then when she leaves, you still have the boat, your life isn't disrupted. You don't have to pack up, no transition payments, you just sail away.

Years ago I went on a quest for a woman that was no trouble. Eventually I gave up. Not only did I not find one, I never even heard of one.

 

[Ski in NC]

You ladies defending the girl: She knew what his plans were as they started the relationship. If she had a problem with the plans, that was the time to voice them. Not two years later.

And then to not even want to talk about it? That is unreasonable.

The guy should not have his decades old dream quashed. He should continue with her invited, her choice whether to join, or not.

 

[BandB]

You ladies defending the girl: She knew what his plans were as they started the relationship. If she had a problem with the plans, that was the time to voice them. Not two years later.

And then to not even want to talk about it? That is unreasonable.

The guy should not have his decades old dream quashed. He should continue with her invited, her choice whether to join, or not.

Wifey B: She knew and he knew her stance. At no point did he ever say her stance changed. I do agree he should continue without her and she should continue without him. You don't invite partners, you plan together and clearly they can't.

If her aversion to boating isn't a new revelation, he has nothing to complain about. If it's a new revelation then they have even more serious issues. Either way they should part now as they don't love each other in a way that can make it work.

 

[ksanders]

seems to me that these two are not compatible.

A couple must either have similar dreams, or one of them needs enough love to give up their dreams for their partner.

 

[BandB]

seems to me that these two are not compatible.

A couple must either have similar dreams, or one of them needs enough love to give up their dreams for their partner.

Wifey B: and they don't have it and neither has enough love to change. No one's fault. Just the facts.

 

[SteveK]

Had a flashback. (not directed at anyone)
This thread reminded me of Ann Landers who was actually a man giving this type of advice to people with the same questions. That was some 50 years ago? Nothing changes.

 

[ksanders]

Wifey B: and they don't have it and neither has enough love to change. No one's fault. Just the facts.

Exactly! Not all relationships can or should be salvaged, even decades long ones.

It does not have to be anyones fault. We all have one chance at this life and in the end what matters is how happy we were along the way.

In the end we all die alone.

 

[Ski in NC]

Wifey B: She knew and he knew her stance. At no point did he ever say her stance changed. I do agree he should continue without her and she should continue without him. You don't invite partners, you plan together and clearly they can't.

If her aversion to boating isn't a new revelation, he has nothing to complain about. If it's a new revelation then they have even more serious issues. Either way they should part now as they don't love each other in a way that can make it work.

Look at the first two paragraphs of post #1. According to him, she did change her stance.

 

[BruceK]

seems to me that these two are not compatible.

A couple must either have similar dreams, or one of them needs enough love to give up their dreams for their partner.

They probably never were compatible, but the good lady told the good man they were,as regards boating. Relationship proceeded/developed on that basis. 2 years later the good lady revealed boats were not on. It was an essential part of the good man`s agreement. The agreement and the relationship now founder.
It`s moot whether boats were always off the agenda for the good lady, and there was deception afoot. Either way, the relationship founders, louder crunching on the rocks if the latter.

 

[ksanders]

They probably never were compatible, but the good lady told the good man they were,as regards boating. Relationship proceeded/developed on that basis. 2 years later the good lady revealed boats were not on. It was an essential part of the good man`s agreement. The agreement and the relationship now founder.
It`s moot whether boats were always off the agenda for the good lady, and there was deception afoot. Either way, the relationship founders, louder crunching on the rocks if the latter.

I agree.

When starting a long term potential relationship both participants need to listen to each others life dreams and honestly judge and communicate wether those dreams are compatible with their own life dreams.

To do otherwise will either doom the relationship or create hard feelings.

 

[psneeld]

Heck, experts can't explain love and its ups and downs, counselors may help but most I have dealt with are not al, that helpful.....so I am pretty sure forum advice about the people and not general situation based on a few sentences about the people involved qualifies any particular advice .....how?

I would rather explain an electrical problem with all thats provided is a picture of a blown fuse.

 

[OldDan1943]

LOL, my 'final' wife wanted access to my boat when I was not around, to use as perhaps a winter retreat.
Well, I decided and she agreed she would pay for a licensed captain and a few other things.
She visited the boat one time, with her father. No problem for me. She did not move the boat.
She never came back to the boat. Of course that was complicated by my boat being 'totaled' in a boat yard accident. IF she tried to come visit my next boat, that would be folly. The agreement only extended to the boat at the time. I wish her great happiness. My happiness was when the divorce was final.

Oh, I should point out, I owned the boat and the slip before we were married.
Her lawyer said he was going to break the prenup. I told her, great, we will both sell everything, throw the money into the pot and divide it equally. I guess the thought of selling her house encouraged her to settle quickly. SMILE

 

[OldDan1943]

How many women choose the boat over a man?

 

[skyhawk]

Greetings,
........
Relationships are NOT 50/50. They are 100/100 with each side contributing all they can for their partners happiness. A lot of compromises and also a lot of putting oneself out simply to make the other happy. .......!

I've read similar things before with different numbers and a slightly different concept. What I remember reading was more about giving-in...about yielding to what the other person wants. I want to go for pizza, she wants mexican....ok, we'll go to our favorite mexican place tonight, I can live with that. Giving in.

Seems to me that it can't be 100/100 though. If a person "feels like" they give in on 100% of the issues then they are never "getting" and are therefore never nourished.
Sometimes that 'feels' like it takes 100% effort to do and perhaps where that's where the 100/100 comes from.

And perhaps the numbers I read were something like 80/50.... if both parties give 80 percent, then the other person will feel like they are getting 50%...something like that. The thought being that when a person thinks they are "giving" 50% of the time, in reality it's something less...so shoot for 80 then reality is more like 50%.

I've thought a lot about this through the years and it makes sense...(not necessarily those exact fractions, just the concept). Regardless, I think that this is a powerful concept but only if BOTH people keep it in mind. If that doesn't happen then I think it degrades into a person only giving in when they 'want to', in which case it's not really giving in at all.....and it 'feels' one sided.

The real issue comes when both don't think this way.... if I feel like I'm giving 100% effort all the time to give in well more than what feels like half. Trying to take interest in her interests the majority of the time. If she's not doing the same though, then I feel like she's 'never' trying it my way....
and that's not exactly an easy thing to change either.

I see this live aboard boat issue particularly as being a tough one. It's one thing if you already have a boat...or have friends with a boat similar to what you're dreaming about. That way she has a chance to get on one and can really get a taste. Otherwise, it's not such an easy thing to try it out....and if you're dealing with a person that jumps to conclusions based on assumptions then it seems near impossible.

I'm seeing a little of this same situation with my wife. She imagines being stuck on the boat while I imagine the boat is my house that I can place in various places to explore before moving onto the next place. She imagines breaking all ties with our hometown and friends, while to mee that's not a requirement at all..... She would prefer to maintain a home base...while I imagine maintaining a home base as an anchor that will always hold or pull be back and not allow me to go the the next place. She imagines renting a place in some far away place and using it as a base of exploration for a time, then moving on while I imagine that rental house as being a second anchor. I like the idea of having my own place that I can move....
She considered my dream for a short while. I've been hoping to get us to some boat shows so that we can set foot on some examples and get a better feel for how life might be....meanwhile I'm reading, watching youtube, participating here, etc... to get some ideas.....but she's not really willing to watch some youtube videos and isn't willing to do even casual research. She's applying assumptions based on our RV that's not really a live aboard type rig.....and thinks living will be like that except that she can't get off just any old time. She's already built a wall based on assumptions.
Tough situation......

 

[psneeld]

Her "assumptions" are not that far off unless you had a tiny RV and expect to buy a large, well outfitted, expensive boat.

Both RVs and boats can be like camping or luxury.....so one of the only methods I know that works is when the naysayers talks to a live group that laughs at yet explains how inconveniences are easily overcome. Hearing it from you might sound too much like salesmanship.

 

[HeadMistress]

Had a flashback. (not directed at anyone)
This thread reminded me of Ann Landers who was actually a man giving this type of advice to people with the same questions. That was some 50 years ago? Nothing changes.

Where did you get the idea that Ann Landers was actually a man??? She was a woman named Esther ("Eppie") Lederer. Dear Abby was her twin sister Pauline.

--Peggie

 

[backinblue]

I heard that women have a gene that allows them to believe they can change the man into their vision. So they agree to everything until the knot is tied, then go to work in shaping the man. So I heard.

Something similar I heard but put a little differently....

A woman will marry a man hoping that he will change. A man will marry a woman hoping she never will.

 

[psneeld]

It must be true and accurate..... I read it on the internet (TF)....