Humor
- Thread starter Keith
- Start date
The friendliest place on the web for anyone who enjoys boating.
If you have answers, please help by responding to the unanswered posts.
If you have answers, please help by responding to the unanswered posts.
Fellow walks into an old country inn.
Gets a room and orders a room service dinner
He notices the glass, utensils and plate are dirty at their edges. But, feeling starved he eats anyway. Complains to main desk by phone after dinner. Person at desk says I'll have dish cleaner try to do better.
Next eve he orders another meal. Again the plate and all have too much old food on them. He again calls main desk after dinner and complains. Person at desk seems to yell into kitchen... "dish cleaner" do a better job.
After packing his car to leave. For his third and last eve the same dirty plate scenario occurs. This time he's pissed and takes the meal to front desk; begins to talk quite loudly [yelling somewhat] about the third night of dirty dishes.
Chubby old fellow, actually the owner, sits quietly behind the desk and listens intently.
At end of his guest's tirade the old owner says there are two ways to settle this. Either you can eat the dinner as is or you can throw it out. Either way I'll still charge you.
The guest is incensed and began pounding the desk and yelling very loudly.
Suddenly a huge spotted Great Dane comes out of the door in back of owner, circles around to front of desk and growls loudly at the guest.
The owner tells the guest he'd better go to his car before the dog bites him.
Sooo... as the guest begins to move backwards toward the exit the big dog keeps coming at him and barking ever louder.
When the guest finally reached his car the dog has gotten so vicious that he couldn't even get the door open. He yells at the old man who also came out to please, please get his dog to stop before it gets to the point of biting and drawing blood.
Old may says OK... so he whistled and called out... Dish Cleaner - come here!
Gets a room and orders a room service dinner
He notices the glass, utensils and plate are dirty at their edges. But, feeling starved he eats anyway. Complains to main desk by phone after dinner. Person at desk says I'll have dish cleaner try to do better.
Next eve he orders another meal. Again the plate and all have too much old food on them. He again calls main desk after dinner and complains. Person at desk seems to yell into kitchen... "dish cleaner" do a better job.
After packing his car to leave. For his third and last eve the same dirty plate scenario occurs. This time he's pissed and takes the meal to front desk; begins to talk quite loudly [yelling somewhat] about the third night of dirty dishes.
Chubby old fellow, actually the owner, sits quietly behind the desk and listens intently.
At end of his guest's tirade the old owner says there are two ways to settle this. Either you can eat the dinner as is or you can throw it out. Either way I'll still charge you.
The guest is incensed and began pounding the desk and yelling very loudly.
Suddenly a huge spotted Great Dane comes out of the door in back of owner, circles around to front of desk and growls loudly at the guest.
The owner tells the guest he'd better go to his car before the dog bites him.
Sooo... as the guest begins to move backwards toward the exit the big dog keeps coming at him and barking ever louder.
When the guest finally reached his car the dog has gotten so vicious that he couldn't even get the door open. He yells at the old man who also came out to please, please get his dog to stop before it gets to the point of biting and drawing blood.
Old may says OK... so he whistled and called out... Dish Cleaner - come here!
EngNate
Senior Member
- Joined
- Feb 10, 2019
- Messages
- 312
- Location
- Canada
- Vessel Name
- Tenacious
- Vessel Make
- Uniflite 31 FB Sedan
Now Son,
You need a woman who understands you, and who you can understand
You need a woman who you can laugh and have fun with
You need a woman attractive enough you can look her at every day
You need a woman who is responsible and has a job
And, son, most important of all,
None of these women can know who the others are!
You need a woman who understands you, and who you can understand
You need a woman who you can laugh and have fun with
You need a woman attractive enough you can look her at every day
You need a woman who is responsible and has a job
And, son, most important of all,
None of these women can know who the others are!
Al
Guru
- Joined
- Apr 1, 2012
- Messages
- 2,206
- Location
- usa
- Vessel Name
- 'SLO'~BELLE
- Vessel Make
- 1978 Marben-27' Flybridge Trawler(extended to 30 feet) Pilothouse Pocket Cruiser[
A Real Salesman
A young fellow from Saskatchewan moves to Edmonton, goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.
The manager asks, "Do you have any sales experience?"
The kid replies, "Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Prince Albert."
Well, the boss liked the kid so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close to see how you did."
His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store was locked up, true to his word, the boss came down.
"How many sales did you make today?"
The kid says, "Just one."
The boss says, "Just one?!? Our sales people average 20 to 30 sales a day. You're going to have to improve considerably or look for another job!" He paused for a moment and asked, "How much was the sale for?"
The kid replied,"$112,237.64."
The boss exclaimed,"$112,237.64! What the hell did you sell?"
Kid says, "First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the lake, so I told him he was gonna need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a new bass boat. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that new Dodge pick-up. I asked him how long he was gonna be out at the lake and after he said 5 or 6 days I took him down to the RV department and sold him a slide-in camper for the truck."
The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat, a truck and a camper?"
The kid replied, "Actually no, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said, 'Well, your weekend's shot, you might as well go fishing."
A young fellow from Saskatchewan moves to Edmonton, goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.
The manager asks, "Do you have any sales experience?"
The kid replies, "Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Prince Albert."
Well, the boss liked the kid so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close to see how you did."
His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store was locked up, true to his word, the boss came down.
"How many sales did you make today?"
The kid says, "Just one."
The boss says, "Just one?!? Our sales people average 20 to 30 sales a day. You're going to have to improve considerably or look for another job!" He paused for a moment and asked, "How much was the sale for?"
The kid replied,"$112,237.64."
The boss exclaimed,"$112,237.64! What the hell did you sell?"
Kid says, "First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the lake, so I told him he was gonna need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a new bass boat. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that new Dodge pick-up. I asked him how long he was gonna be out at the lake and after he said 5 or 6 days I took him down to the RV department and sold him a slide-in camper for the truck."
The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat, a truck and a camper?"
The kid replied, "Actually no, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said, 'Well, your weekend's shot, you might as well go fishing."
Al
Guru
- Joined
- Apr 1, 2012
- Messages
- 2,206
- Location
- usa
- Vessel Name
- 'SLO'~BELLE
- Vessel Make
- 1978 Marben-27' Flybridge Trawler(extended to 30 feet) Pilothouse Pocket Cruiser[
In honor of Super Bowl Sunday
"I make my practices real hard because if a player is a quitter, I
want him to quit in practice, not in a game."
– Bear Bryant / Alabama
" It isn't necessary to see a good tackle, you can hear it!”
- Knute Rockne / Notre Dame
"At Georgia Southern, we don't cheat.
That costs money, and we don't have any."
– Erik Russell / Georgia Southern
"The man who complains about the way the ball bounces is likely to be
the one who dropped it."
- Lou Holtz / Arkansas - Notre Dame
"When you win, nothing hurts."
- Joe Namath / Alabama
"A school without football is in danger of deteriorating into a
medieval study hall."
- Frank Leahy / Notre Dame
"There's nothing that cleanses your soul like getting the hell kicked
out of you."
- Woody Hayes / Ohio State
"I don't expect to win enough games to be put on NCAA probation. I
just want to win enough to warrant an investigation."
- Bob Devaney / Nebraska
"In Alabama, an atheist is someone who doesn't believe in Bear Bryant."
- Wally Butts / Georgia
"I never graduated from Iowa. But I was only there for two terms -
Truman's and Eisenhower's."
– Alex Karras / Iowa
"My advice to defensive players is to take the shortest route to the
ball, and arrive in a bad humor.”
- Bowden Wyatt / Tennessee
"I could have been a Rhodes Scholar except for my grades."
- Duffy Daugherty / Michigan State
" Always remember Goliath was a 40-point favorite over David."
- Shug Jordan / Auburn
"I asked Darrell Royal, the coach of the Texas Longhorns, why he
didn't recruit me "
He said, "Well, Walt, we took a look at you, and you weren't any
good."
- Walt Garrison / Oklahoma State
"Son, you've got a good engine, but your hands aren't on the steering
wheel."
- Bobby Bowden / Florida State
"Football is NOT a contact sport, it is a collision sport.
Dancing IS a contact sport." -
Duffy Daugherty / Michigan State
After USC lost 51-0 to Notre Dame, his post-game message to his team was;
"All those who need showers, take them."
- John McKay / USC
" If lessons are learned in defeat, our team is getting a great
education.”
- Murray Warmath / Minnesota
"The only qualifications for a lineman are to be big and dumb.
To be a back, you only have to be dumb."
- Knute Rockne / Notre Dame
"We live one day at a time and scratch where it itches."
- Darrell Royal / Texas
"We didn't tackle well today, but we made up for it by not blocking."
- John McKay / USC
"I've found that prayers work best when you have big players."
- Knute Rockne / Notre Dame
Ohio State's Urban Meyer on one of his players:
"He doesn't know the meaning of the word fear.
In fact, I just saw his grades and he doesn't know the meaning of a
lot of words.”
_____________________________________________________________
Why do Tennessee fans wear orange?
So they can dress that way for the game on Saturday, go hunting on
Sunday, and pick up trash on Monday.
What does the average Alabama player get on his SATs?
Drool.
How many Va Tech freshmen football players does it take to change a
light bulb?
None. That's a sophomore course.
How did the Auburn football player die from drinking milk?
The cow fell on him.
Two Va Tech football players were walking in the woods.
One of them said, " Look, a dead bird."
The other looked up in the sky and said, "Where?"
What do you say to a Florida State University football player dressed
in a three-piece suit?
"Will the defendant please rise."
How can you tell if a Clemson football player has a girlfriend?
There's tobacco juice on both sides of the pickup truck.
What do you get when you put 32 West Virginia cheerleaders in one room?
A full set of teeth.
University of Michigan Coach Jim Harbaugh is only going to dress half
of his players for the game this week. The other half will have to
dress themselves.
How is the Kansas football team like an opossum?
They play dead at home and get killed on the road.
How do you get a former University of Miami football player off your porch?
Pay him for the pizza.
"I make my practices real hard because if a player is a quitter, I
want him to quit in practice, not in a game."
– Bear Bryant / Alabama
" It isn't necessary to see a good tackle, you can hear it!”
- Knute Rockne / Notre Dame
"At Georgia Southern, we don't cheat.
That costs money, and we don't have any."
– Erik Russell / Georgia Southern
"The man who complains about the way the ball bounces is likely to be
the one who dropped it."
- Lou Holtz / Arkansas - Notre Dame
"When you win, nothing hurts."
- Joe Namath / Alabama
"A school without football is in danger of deteriorating into a
medieval study hall."
- Frank Leahy / Notre Dame
"There's nothing that cleanses your soul like getting the hell kicked
out of you."
- Woody Hayes / Ohio State
"I don't expect to win enough games to be put on NCAA probation. I
just want to win enough to warrant an investigation."
- Bob Devaney / Nebraska
"In Alabama, an atheist is someone who doesn't believe in Bear Bryant."
- Wally Butts / Georgia
"I never graduated from Iowa. But I was only there for two terms -
Truman's and Eisenhower's."
– Alex Karras / Iowa
"My advice to defensive players is to take the shortest route to the
ball, and arrive in a bad humor.”
- Bowden Wyatt / Tennessee
"I could have been a Rhodes Scholar except for my grades."
- Duffy Daugherty / Michigan State
" Always remember Goliath was a 40-point favorite over David."
- Shug Jordan / Auburn
"I asked Darrell Royal, the coach of the Texas Longhorns, why he
didn't recruit me "
He said, "Well, Walt, we took a look at you, and you weren't any
good."
- Walt Garrison / Oklahoma State
"Son, you've got a good engine, but your hands aren't on the steering
wheel."
- Bobby Bowden / Florida State
"Football is NOT a contact sport, it is a collision sport.
Dancing IS a contact sport." -
Duffy Daugherty / Michigan State
After USC lost 51-0 to Notre Dame, his post-game message to his team was;
"All those who need showers, take them."
- John McKay / USC
" If lessons are learned in defeat, our team is getting a great
education.”
- Murray Warmath / Minnesota
"The only qualifications for a lineman are to be big and dumb.
To be a back, you only have to be dumb."
- Knute Rockne / Notre Dame
"We live one day at a time and scratch where it itches."
- Darrell Royal / Texas
"We didn't tackle well today, but we made up for it by not blocking."
- John McKay / USC
"I've found that prayers work best when you have big players."
- Knute Rockne / Notre Dame
Ohio State's Urban Meyer on one of his players:
"He doesn't know the meaning of the word fear.
In fact, I just saw his grades and he doesn't know the meaning of a
lot of words.”
_____________________________________________________________
Why do Tennessee fans wear orange?
So they can dress that way for the game on Saturday, go hunting on
Sunday, and pick up trash on Monday.
What does the average Alabama player get on his SATs?
Drool.
How many Va Tech freshmen football players does it take to change a
light bulb?
None. That's a sophomore course.
How did the Auburn football player die from drinking milk?
The cow fell on him.
Two Va Tech football players were walking in the woods.
One of them said, " Look, a dead bird."
The other looked up in the sky and said, "Where?"
What do you say to a Florida State University football player dressed
in a three-piece suit?
"Will the defendant please rise."
How can you tell if a Clemson football player has a girlfriend?
There's tobacco juice on both sides of the pickup truck.
What do you get when you put 32 West Virginia cheerleaders in one room?
A full set of teeth.
University of Michigan Coach Jim Harbaugh is only going to dress half
of his players for the game this week. The other half will have to
dress themselves.
How is the Kansas football team like an opossum?
They play dead at home and get killed on the road.
How do you get a former University of Miami football player off your porch?
Pay him for the pizza.
O C Diver
Guru
- Joined
- Dec 16, 2010
- Messages
- 12,880
- Location
- USA
- Vessel Name
- Slow Hand
- Vessel Make
- Cherubini Independence 45
Subject: 2021 promises
The president finally breaks down and visits a remote northern Indian reservation.* With news crews following him around as they tour the place, the President asks the chief if there was anything they need.**
"Well," says the chief, "We have three very important needs.* First, we have a medical clinic but no doctor to man it."
The president whips out his phone, dials a number, talks to somebody for two minutes and then hangs up. "I've pulled some strings. Your doctor will arrive in a few days. Now what was the second problem?"*
"We have no way to get clean water. The local mining operation has poisoned the water our people have been drinking for thousands of years.* We've been flying bottled water in, and it's terribly expensive."* Once again, the president dials a number, yells into the phone for a few minutes, and then hangs up. "The mine has been shut down, and the owner is being billed for setting up a purification plant for your people. Now what was that third problem?"
The chief looks at him and says, "We have no cellphone reception up here!"
Ted
The president finally breaks down and visits a remote northern Indian reservation.* With news crews following him around as they tour the place, the President asks the chief if there was anything they need.**
"Well," says the chief, "We have three very important needs.* First, we have a medical clinic but no doctor to man it."
The president whips out his phone, dials a number, talks to somebody for two minutes and then hangs up. "I've pulled some strings. Your doctor will arrive in a few days. Now what was the second problem?"*
"We have no way to get clean water. The local mining operation has poisoned the water our people have been drinking for thousands of years.* We've been flying bottled water in, and it's terribly expensive."* Once again, the president dials a number, yells into the phone for a few minutes, and then hangs up. "The mine has been shut down, and the owner is being billed for setting up a purification plant for your people. Now what was that third problem?"
The chief looks at him and says, "We have no cellphone reception up here!"
Ted
RT Firefly
Enigma
Greetings,
Mr. OC. I don't care who you are but that there's funny! Didn't see that coming, at all. Thanks.
Mr. OC. I don't care who you are but that there's funny! Didn't see that coming, at all. Thanks.
SteveK
Guru
- Joined
- Jul 5, 2019
- Messages
- 5,093
- Location
- Gulf Isalnds BC canada
- Vessel Name
- Sea Sanctuary
- Vessel Make
- Bayliner 4588
I second that and add, Thank you for changing "Prime Minister" to "president"
21st Century's increasing difference between women and men:
Wife installs something and says... I like it!
Husband installs some thing and says... Hope wife likes it!!!
Therein has become the most powerful conundrum regarding "modern-day" life - LOL
Wife installs something and says... I like it!
Husband installs some thing and says... Hope wife likes it!!!
Therein has become the most powerful conundrum regarding "modern-day" life - LOL
Choices
Guru
- Joined
- Apr 16, 2018
- Messages
- 899
- Location
- Montgomery, Tx
- Vessel Name
- Choices
- Vessel Make
- 36 Grand Banks Europa
Excellent set.
Northern Spy
Guru
- Joined
- Feb 5, 2012
- Messages
- 4,075
- Location
- Canada
- Vessel Name
- Northern Spy
- Vessel Make
- Nordic Tug 26
I think the timing is right... 
FF
Guru
- Joined
- Oct 12, 2007
- Messages
- 22,552
|A very old man lay dying in his bed. In death's doorway, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookie wafting up the stairs.
He gathered his remaining strength and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall,he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort forced himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with both hands.
With labored breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven?
There, spread out on newspapers on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies.
Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?
Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table. The aged and withered hand, shaking, made its way to a cookie at the edge of the table,
when he was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife. "Stay out of those," she said."They're for the funeral.
He gathered his remaining strength and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall,he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort forced himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with both hands.
With labored breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven?
There, spread out on newspapers on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies.
Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?
Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table. The aged and withered hand, shaking, made its way to a cookie at the edge of the table,
when he was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife. "Stay out of those," she said."They're for the funeral.
Last edited:
BruceK
Moderator Emeritus
- Joined
- Oct 31, 2011
- Messages
- 13,347
- Vessel Name
- Sojourn
- Vessel Make
- Integrity 386
"Turns out it was a marble in the glove-box"
BruceK
Moderator Emeritus
- Joined
- Oct 31, 2011
- Messages
- 13,347
- Vessel Name
- Sojourn
- Vessel Make
- Integrity 386
Bill Smith is suing the local hospital. His main complaint is that since his wife underwent surgery at the hospital she has zero interest in sex, and the hospital`s treatment was negligent and defective to produce that consequence.
The Hospital duly filed it`s Defence: "Mrs Smith underwent surgery to implant new ophthalmic lenses in order to reverse cataract affected loss of vision. All we did was restore Mrs.Smith`s vision to normal."
The Hospital duly filed it`s Defence: "Mrs Smith underwent surgery to implant new ophthalmic lenses in order to reverse cataract affected loss of vision. All we did was restore Mrs.Smith`s vision to normal."
Al
Guru
- Joined
- Apr 1, 2012
- Messages
- 2,206
- Location
- usa
- Vessel Name
- 'SLO'~BELLE
- Vessel Make
- 1978 Marben-27' Flybridge Trawler(extended to 30 feet) Pilothouse Pocket Cruiser[
MONDAY
The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was having sex.
Worried the girl might become pregnant & adversely impact the family's status, she consulted the family doctor.
The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful & any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control & until then, talk to her & give her a box of condoms.
Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the mother told her about the situation & handed her a box of condoms.
The girl burst out laughing & reached over to hug her mother, saying, “Oh, Mom, you don't have to worry about that … I'm dating Susan!”
TUESDAY
A man went to church one day & afterward he stopped to shake the preacher's hand.
He said, “Preacher, I'll tell you, that was a damned fine sermon. Damned good!”
The preacher said, “Thank you, sir, but I'd rather you didn't use profanity.”
The man said, “I was so damned impressed w/that sermon I put $5,000 in the offering plate!”
The preacher said, “No ****?!?!?”
WEDNESDAY
Brenda & Steve took their 6-year-old son to the doctor.
With some hesitation, they explained that, altho their little angel
appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small penis.
After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, “Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the problem.”
The next morning, when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table.
“Gee, Mom,” he exclaimed. “For me?”
“Just take two (2),” Brenda replied. “The rest are for your father.”
THURSDAY
One night, an 87-year-old woman came home from Bingo to find her 92-year-old husband in bed w/another woman.
She became violent & ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th floor apartment, killing him instantly.
Brought before the court on the charge of murder, she was asked if she had anything to say in her defense.
“Your Honor,” she began coolly, “I figured that, at 92, if he could screw, he could fly.”
FRIDAY
A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa (FL).
“The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded w/MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous & none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. However, there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all & we all have eaten, or will
eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief & suffering for years after eating it?”
After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand & softly said, “Wedding cake.”
SATURDAY
Bob, a 70-year-old extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club w/a breathtakingly beautiful, & very sexy, 25-year-old blonde woman who knocks everyone's socks off w/her youthful sex appeal & charm & who hangs on Bob's arm & listens intently to his every word. His buddies at the club are all aghast.
At the very 1st chance, they corner him & ask, “Bob, how'd you get the trophy girlfriend?”
Bob replies, “Girlfriend? She's my wife!”
They are knocked over, but continue to ask, “So how did you persuade her to marry you?”
“I lied about my age”, Bob replies.
“What? Did you tell her you were only 50?”
Bob smiles & says, “No, I told her I was 90.”
SUNDAY
A large group of American tourists were traveling by tour bus thru Holland.
As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them thru the process of cheese making, explaining that only goat's milk was used. She then showed the group a lovely hillside where many goats were grazing.
“These” she explained, “are the older goats put out to pasture when they no longer produce.”
She then asked, “What do you do in America w/your old goats?”
A spry old gentleman answered, “They send us on bus tours!!!”
The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was having sex.
Worried the girl might become pregnant & adversely impact the family's status, she consulted the family doctor.
The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful & any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control & until then, talk to her & give her a box of condoms.
Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the mother told her about the situation & handed her a box of condoms.
The girl burst out laughing & reached over to hug her mother, saying, “Oh, Mom, you don't have to worry about that … I'm dating Susan!”
TUESDAY
A man went to church one day & afterward he stopped to shake the preacher's hand.
He said, “Preacher, I'll tell you, that was a damned fine sermon. Damned good!”
The preacher said, “Thank you, sir, but I'd rather you didn't use profanity.”
The man said, “I was so damned impressed w/that sermon I put $5,000 in the offering plate!”
The preacher said, “No ****?!?!?”
WEDNESDAY
Brenda & Steve took their 6-year-old son to the doctor.
With some hesitation, they explained that, altho their little angel
appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small penis.
After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, “Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the problem.”
The next morning, when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table.
“Gee, Mom,” he exclaimed. “For me?”
“Just take two (2),” Brenda replied. “The rest are for your father.”
THURSDAY
One night, an 87-year-old woman came home from Bingo to find her 92-year-old husband in bed w/another woman.
She became violent & ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th floor apartment, killing him instantly.
Brought before the court on the charge of murder, she was asked if she had anything to say in her defense.
“Your Honor,” she began coolly, “I figured that, at 92, if he could screw, he could fly.”
FRIDAY
A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa (FL).
“The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded w/MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous & none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. However, there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all & we all have eaten, or will
eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief & suffering for years after eating it?”
After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand & softly said, “Wedding cake.”
SATURDAY
Bob, a 70-year-old extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club w/a breathtakingly beautiful, & very sexy, 25-year-old blonde woman who knocks everyone's socks off w/her youthful sex appeal & charm & who hangs on Bob's arm & listens intently to his every word. His buddies at the club are all aghast.
At the very 1st chance, they corner him & ask, “Bob, how'd you get the trophy girlfriend?”
Bob replies, “Girlfriend? She's my wife!”
They are knocked over, but continue to ask, “So how did you persuade her to marry you?”
“I lied about my age”, Bob replies.
“What? Did you tell her you were only 50?”
Bob smiles & says, “No, I told her I was 90.”
SUNDAY
A large group of American tourists were traveling by tour bus thru Holland.
As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them thru the process of cheese making, explaining that only goat's milk was used. She then showed the group a lovely hillside where many goats were grazing.
“These” she explained, “are the older goats put out to pasture when they no longer produce.”
She then asked, “What do you do in America w/your old goats?”
A spry old gentleman answered, “They send us on bus tours!!!”
Northern Spy
Guru
- Joined
- Feb 5, 2012
- Messages
- 4,075
- Location
- Canada
- Vessel Name
- Northern Spy
- Vessel Make
- Nordic Tug 26
"I'm here live. I'm not a cat."
A lawyer logged into the 394th Judicial District with a cat filter on and couldn't turn it off.
This may be the funniest video I've seen this year. https://t.co/0RokVVpgeA
I'm dying here..
A lawyer logged into the 394th Judicial District with a cat filter on and couldn't turn it off.
This may be the funniest video I've seen this year. https://t.co/0RokVVpgeA
I'm dying here..
Al
Guru
- Joined
- Apr 1, 2012
- Messages
- 2,206
- Location
- usa
- Vessel Name
- 'SLO'~BELLE
- Vessel Make
- 1978 Marben-27' Flybridge Trawler(extended to 30 feet) Pilothouse Pocket Cruiser[
My neighbor was working in his yard when he was startled by a late model car that came crashing through his hedge and ended up in and on his front lawn.
He rushed to help an elderly lady driver out of the car and sat her down on a lawn chair.
He said with excitement, "You appear quite elderly to be driving."
"Well, yes, I am," she replied proudly. "I'll be 97 next month, and I am now old enough that I don't even need a driver's license anymore."
"You don't need a driver's license anymore?!?"
That's right! The last time I went to my doctor, he examined me and asked if I had a driver's license.
I told him 'yes' and handed it to him. He took scissors out of the drawer, cut the license into pieces, and threw them in the waste basket, saying, 'You won't need this anymore'.
So I thanked him and left!"
He rushed to help an elderly lady driver out of the car and sat her down on a lawn chair.
He said with excitement, "You appear quite elderly to be driving."
"Well, yes, I am," she replied proudly. "I'll be 97 next month, and I am now old enough that I don't even need a driver's license anymore."
"You don't need a driver's license anymore?!?"
That's right! The last time I went to my doctor, he examined me and asked if I had a driver's license.
I told him 'yes' and handed it to him. He took scissors out of the drawer, cut the license into pieces, and threw them in the waste basket, saying, 'You won't need this anymore'.
So I thanked him and left!"
BruceK
Moderator Emeritus
- Joined
- Oct 31, 2011
- Messages
- 13,347
- Vessel Name
- Sojourn
- Vessel Make
- Integrity 386
Al
Guru
- Joined
- Apr 1, 2012
- Messages
- 2,206
- Location
- usa
- Vessel Name
- 'SLO'~BELLE
- Vessel Make
- 1978 Marben-27' Flybridge Trawler(extended to 30 feet) Pilothouse Pocket Cruiser[
Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, living in Miami, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass a drugstore.
Jacob suggests they go in.
Jacob addresses the man behind the counter:
"Are you the owner?"
The pharmacist answers, "Yes."
Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"
Pharmacist: "Of course, we do."
Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"
Pharmacist: "All kinds."
Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism?"
Pharmacist: "Definitely."
Jacob: "How about suppositories?"
Pharmacist: "You bet!"
Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis and Alzheimer's?"
Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The Works."
Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?"
Pharmacist: "Absolutely."
Jacob: "Everything for heartburn and indigestion?"
Pharmacist: "We sure do."
Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers and canes?"
Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."
Jacob: "Adult diapers?"
Pharmacist: "Sure."
Jacob: "We'd like to use this store as our Bridal Registry."
Jacob suggests they go in.
Jacob addresses the man behind the counter:
"Are you the owner?"
The pharmacist answers, "Yes."
Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"
Pharmacist: "Of course, we do."
Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"
Pharmacist: "All kinds."
Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism?"
Pharmacist: "Definitely."
Jacob: "How about suppositories?"
Pharmacist: "You bet!"
Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis and Alzheimer's?"
Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The Works."
Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?"
Pharmacist: "Absolutely."
Jacob: "Everything for heartburn and indigestion?"
Pharmacist: "We sure do."
Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers and canes?"
Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."
Jacob: "Adult diapers?"
Pharmacist: "Sure."
Jacob: "We'd like to use this store as our Bridal Registry."
porman
Guru
- Joined
- Aug 21, 2014
- Messages
- 1,042
- Location
- USA
- Vessel Name
- Beach Music II
- Vessel Make
- 2003 Mainship 430 Trawler
"Turns out it was a marble in the glove-box"
I went for a test drive with a gentleman that complained about a rattle in his new Porsche 911. It was the loose change in his center console.
"Turns out it was a marble in the glove-box"
Mom's first brand new car: Bright yellow body, black convertible top - 1968 Oldsmobile Cutlass S with 350 Rocket engine and automatic transmission.
I well recall the day dad brought it home early in the year. Was mom ever happy!
Had one problem - Upon every sharp turn there was a not too loud but a very noticeable sharp-bang noise. Just one bang usually when turning left or right; not on every turn. Mom's new "Yellow Bird" [her love name] was in at the dealer several times. Each time they were checking frame, brakes, engine compartment etc - no luck. Finally, our local service station mechanic decided he would take a look. He found it. A coke bottle had been left in an area of the trunk where trunk floor folded into position to join with a rear fender. Noise gone!
Also
1967 Buick Wildcat [we've had her since 1998, (our all white "Ghost") which is still in perf condition]: From time I first purchased, there was a small lump in shelf to rear of back seat. After several years ownership, when laying back-down in trunk installing new speaker [original was the one I replaced]. I found 3" long x 1" wide x 3/4" thick piece of slag [deformed chunk of pot metal or ??] that was sitting atop the thin shelf frame, under the shelf fabric. After removal and sun had warmed the shelf a few weeks - the lump flattened.
Last edited:
Decades ago there was a US boat builder (still around) with a huge labor dispute. Contract negotiations had failed for over 2 years. They'd had a wildcat strike but been forced back to work as it was illegal. Needless to say a very unhappy group. They started sabotaging the boats they were building and one of their primary means was leaving tools in places that couldn't be reached without a lot of cutting.
BruceK
Moderator Emeritus
- Joined
- Oct 31, 2011
- Messages
- 13,347
- Vessel Name
- Sojourn
- Vessel Make
- Integrity 386
I had a car serviced at a Ford dealer, loose change for tolls etc would disappear from the console. From cleaning the interior? No, the dealership had large signs warning not to leave your house or office keys on the car key ring.
AlaskaProf
Guru
- Joined
- Jun 26, 2016
- Messages
- 2,239
- Location
- US of A
- Vessel Name
- boatless, ex: Seeadler
- Vessel Make
- RAWSON 41
Many years ago, when I was working as a framing carpenter, one of my colleagues who had done occasional labor laying carpet told the following story:
"Finished kicking in a large living room; sat back on my haunches and reached into shirt pocket for a celebratory smoke---pack of cigarettes was gone!
I scanned the room, seeing no Marlboro hard-pack, but there was a suspicious lump in the newly laid rug... I grabbed a length of 2x4 and repeatedly slammed the lump until it was no longer visible.
As I gathered up my tools, the lady-of-the-house came in and asked if I had seen her canary...
Responded negatively, of course, and beat it to my truck where the smokes were lying on the seat."
That's Bad!! 
:lol:
:lol::lol:
RT Firefly
Enigma
