Humor
- Thread starter Keith
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The friendliest place on the web for anyone who enjoys boating.
If you have answers, please help by responding to the unanswered posts.
If you have answers, please help by responding to the unanswered posts.
AlaskaProf
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There's only one attorney joke I've been brave enough to tell my wife:
Counsel dies suddenly, arrives at the Pearly Gates filled with outrage:
"There's been a mistake, I'm only forty years old, I demand to be returned to life for another 30 years at least!
St. Peter examines the Big Ledger and replies, "Ah...here's the discrepancy, we've totaled your billable hours."
Counsel dies suddenly, arrives at the Pearly Gates filled with outrage:
"There's been a mistake, I'm only forty years old, I demand to be returned to life for another 30 years at least!
St. Peter examines the Big Ledger and replies, "Ah...here's the discrepancy, we've totaled your billable hours."
boathealer
Guru
Really? How does she feel about this old classic...
Q- Whats the difference between a catfish and a lawyer?
A- One is a bottom feeder which sucks scum all day, and the other is a fish.
menzies
Guru
Maybe you should have just told that joke, instead of asking a guy how his attorney wife relates to it?
So Mako - You always loved lawyers??
boathealer
Guru
Well, since y'all started it...
What do you call 700 lawyers at the bottom of the lake?
.......a good start.
What is black and brown and looks good on a lawyer?
........a doberman pinscher.
All in jest, of course......
What do you call 700 lawyers at the bottom of the lake?
.......a good start.
What is black and brown and looks good on a lawyer?
........a doberman pinscher.
All in jest, of course......
10 years from now you'll find a breather mask in the pocket of a heavy old jacket you need to wear... with a tear in your eye - saying, wow... that's from 2020. What a strange starter year that was.
Then you'll pick your machete back up as you continue hunting dogs on city streets for sustenance.
Then you'll pick your machete back up as you continue hunting dogs on city streets for sustenance.
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BruceK
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Lawyers are being used in research laboratories. Turns out there are things the researchers can`t get rats to do, but lawyers will. And there`s more of them than rats these days.
In fairness, as a retired one, so biased, most of ours are ok. We have a few you would not pee on if they were on fire, but in the main, they get a way better rap here than in USA.
In fairness, as a retired one, so biased, most of ours are ok. We have a few you would not pee on if they were on fire, but in the main, they get a way better rap here than in USA.
I heard it was because the workers didn't get emotionally attached to the lawyers and feel bad about doing the experiments.
(My old attorney always had the best lawyer jokes.)
menzies
Guru
Ah yes, it's OK if I tell a joke because my best friend is (pick your topic), Jewish, black, Irish, a lawyer, gay, Polish, Hispanic.....
All good. Carry on.
Guys, there's plenty of generic humor to go around.
Try it.
All good. Carry on.
Guys, there's plenty of generic humor to go around.
Try it.
Al
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A young lawyer, defending a businessman in a lawsuit, feared he was losing the case and asked his senior partner if he should send a box of cigars to the judge to curry favor. The senior partner was horrified. “The judge is an honorable man,” he said, “If you do that, I guarantee you’ll lose the case!” Eventually, the judge ruled in the young lawyers favor. “Aren’t you glad you didn’t send those cigars?” the senior partner asked. “Oh, I did send them,” the younger lawyer replied. “I just enclosed my opponents business card with them.”
BruceK
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Judges here often attract nicknames. Safer than the one which offended earlier:
1. "Funnelweb J." Explanatory Notes:Judges are identified by adding the letter "J" (for Judge, or variant eg "JA" for an Appeal Court Judge). A funnelweb is a highly venomous and aggressive Australian spider. Original name "Myers.J."
2. "The Rodent". Explanatory Note: Based on character. Original name "Roden. J"
Fortunately I`m retired and so are they,even possibly no longer extant.
1. "Funnelweb J." Explanatory Notes:Judges are identified by adding the letter "J" (for Judge, or variant eg "JA" for an Appeal Court Judge). A funnelweb is a highly venomous and aggressive Australian spider. Original name "Myers.J."
2. "The Rodent". Explanatory Note: Based on character. Original name "Roden. J"
Fortunately I`m retired and so are they,even possibly no longer extant.
O C Diver
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The difference between a lawyer and a prostitute? While they both will do anything for money, at the end of the day, a prostitute can soak in a bathtub and remove any trace of her sins.
Ted
Ted
O C Diver
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A woman goes for her annual medical checkup. After the examination, the doctor says she can put her clothing back on and then meet him in his office. Once there, the doctor says everything looks fine, did she have any questions. She responds that she and her husband have been experimenting with anal sex and is there anything she should consider. The doctor says that as long as it's consensual and proper lubrication is used, it shouldn't be a problem. Then he adds, just make sure you use birth control. Birth control, says the lady? To which the doctor responds, "Where do you think lawyers come from?"
Ted
Ted
O C Diver
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A Pope and a lawyer die the same day and arrive at the pearly gates together. Saint Peter welcomes them both in and leads them through heaven. Stopping at a large estate with a grand mansion and beautifully landscaped grounds, Saint Peter turns to the lawyer and says this is where you shall reside. The Pope and Saint Peter move on and eventually come to a rather ordinary modest house. The Pope turns to Saint Peter and says, " Maybe you weren't aware; I was a Pope, Gods representative on earth. I was thinking that I might reside at home more fitting my position, certainly better than that lawyer." Saint Peter says, "All Popes make it to heaven, your not unique here. That lawyer is unique as he is the first one to make it to heaven."
Ted
Ted
Al
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Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn’t find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, 'Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every
Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!'
Miraculously, a parking place appeared.
Paddy looked up again and said, 'Never mind, I found one.'
Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and asks the first man he meets, ‘Do you want to go to heaven?
The man said, 'I do, Father.'
The priest said, 'Then stand over there against the wall.'
Then the priest asked the second man, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'
'Certainly, Father,' the man replied.
'Then stand over there against the wall,' said the priest.
Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and asked, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'
O'Toole said, 'No, I don't Father.'
The priest said, 'I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?'
O'Toole said, 'Oh, when I die , yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now.'
Paddy was in New York.
He was patiently waiting and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing. The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, 'Okay, pedestrians.' Then he'd allow the traffic to pass.
He'd done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk.
After the cop had shouted, 'Pedestrians!' for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said, 'Is it not about time ye let the Catholics cross?'
Gallagher opened the morning newspaper
and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend, Finney.
'Did you see the paper?' asked Gallagher. 'They say I died!!'
'Yes, I saw it!' replied Finney. 'Where are ye callin' from?'
An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.
He says, 'Sir, have you been drinking?'
'Just water,' says the priest
The trooper says, 'Then why do I smell wine?'
The priest looks at the bottle and says, 'Good Lord! He's done it again!'
Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, ‘Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman.'
'Oh yeah?' said Charlie, 'And how did this one end?'
'When it was over,' Mike replied, 'She came to me on her hands and knees.'
'Really,' said Charles, 'Now that's a switch! What did she say?'
She said, ‘Come out from under the bed, you little chicken.'
Paddy staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Finney. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Kathleen.
He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket
broke and made the landing especially painful.
Managing not to yell, Paddy sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.
He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed...
In the morning, Paddy woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt, and Kathleen staring at him from across the room
She said, 'You were drunk again last night weren't you?'
Paddy said, 'Why would you say such a mean thing?
‘Well,' Kathleen said, 'it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly, it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.
Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!'
Miraculously, a parking place appeared.
Paddy looked up again and said, 'Never mind, I found one.'
Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and asks the first man he meets, ‘Do you want to go to heaven?
The man said, 'I do, Father.'
The priest said, 'Then stand over there against the wall.'
Then the priest asked the second man, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'
'Certainly, Father,' the man replied.
'Then stand over there against the wall,' said the priest.
Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and asked, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'
O'Toole said, 'No, I don't Father.'
The priest said, 'I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?'
O'Toole said, 'Oh, when I die , yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now.'
Paddy was in New York.
He was patiently waiting and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing. The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, 'Okay, pedestrians.' Then he'd allow the traffic to pass.
He'd done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk.
After the cop had shouted, 'Pedestrians!' for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said, 'Is it not about time ye let the Catholics cross?'
Gallagher opened the morning newspaper
and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend, Finney.
'Did you see the paper?' asked Gallagher. 'They say I died!!'
'Yes, I saw it!' replied Finney. 'Where are ye callin' from?'
An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.
He says, 'Sir, have you been drinking?'
'Just water,' says the priest
The trooper says, 'Then why do I smell wine?'
The priest looks at the bottle and says, 'Good Lord! He's done it again!'
Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, ‘Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman.'
'Oh yeah?' said Charlie, 'And how did this one end?'
'When it was over,' Mike replied, 'She came to me on her hands and knees.'
'Really,' said Charles, 'Now that's a switch! What did she say?'
She said, ‘Come out from under the bed, you little chicken.'
Paddy staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Finney. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Kathleen.
He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket
broke and made the landing especially painful.
Managing not to yell, Paddy sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.
He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed...
In the morning, Paddy woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt, and Kathleen staring at him from across the room
She said, 'You were drunk again last night weren't you?'
Paddy said, 'Why would you say such a mean thing?
‘Well,' Kathleen said, 'it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly, it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.
Alaskan Sea-Duction
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Amen Al!
BruceK
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Sir Robert Menzies QC, Lord Warden of the Cinque Ports,"Pig Iron Bob",etc,was an Australian PM with a sharp and quick mind, back in the days of local election campaign meetings often held in school, municipal, and church halls.
Heckled at a meeting by a lady asserting he was "two faced" he responds:"easy to see you are not, if you were, you`d not be wearing that one"
To another lady heckler calling out "If you were my husband, I`d give you poison to drink" he responds " Were I married to you, I`d drink it".
I kind of miss the old local hall election campaign meetings. The sanitized TV ones have nothing on them.
Heckled at a meeting by a lady asserting he was "two faced" he responds:"easy to see you are not, if you were, you`d not be wearing that one"
To another lady heckler calling out "If you were my husband, I`d give you poison to drink" he responds " Were I married to you, I`d drink it".
I kind of miss the old local hall election campaign meetings. The sanitized TV ones have nothing on them.
"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play, bring a friend... if you have one."
George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill.
"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second... if there is one."
Winston Churchill, in response.
George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill.
"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second... if there is one."
Winston Churchill, in response.
RT Firefly
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A guy walked into a Bar . . . . . . . . . Lucky Bastard!
