Anyone choose the boat over the woman?

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boatlife said:
Thanks Dan. I intend to. ...
Better than living with regrets because I gave up my biggest passion for someone I'll likely grow to resent...
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Welcome.

The relationship is at a crossroads which you realize and I suspect she does as well.

The questions you have to answer are:

  • If I give up my dream to be with her, will I have regret for the rest of my life and will that turn into resentment towards her for killing the dream?
    • If the answer is yes, what does that do to the relationship?
      • Will the relationship continue or end at that point?
Sorry that you are going through this conundrum.

Good Luck,
Dan
 
Boatlife,


Sounds like there "might" be some salvation in you last post, and it might be worth working for. You've given a bit and sounds like she has lowered that wall a bit, but time will tell.


I could argue to work hard to get her on a very simple cruise, in perfect weather for a short time. It is goes well, perhaps she won't hate it and that's step one.



Now, as for the marriage. I totally agree with you, there is NO upside in that, for either of you. ZERO. All marriage does is to bring legalities into the relationship that only can go down hill. It does give kids some legal clout, but doubt that's in the picture at 40. That would clearly be a deal killer.


And, if it doesn't work out, so be it.
 
Spinner said:
Hmm, as one of the ladies....it’s not about the boat, it’s about honesty in a relationship. I’ve seen similar cases where the couple jointly agree they will (or will not) have children, and then one changes his/her mind.

That said, there’s something about the tenor of this and many other discussions on this forum that sets my teeth on edge. Perhaps it’s the unspoken suggestion that women are interchangeable units, and they (we) are just hanging around waiting for a man, any man!
If one woman doesn’t work for you, just go get another!

Having worked in an industry where knowledge workers started to be treated as interchangeable units, I am pretty sensitive to anything where people are not seen as individual, but rather just units that fit a category...

I realize that the boating population leans heavily to the male side, but seeing women very often referred to as a category (“the wife” or “the girlfriend”) rather than as an individual is hard to take.
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Spinner,


Just had to comment.....


There are two sides to this and yes, in some cases we are only a unit that fits in a category... especially in the work place. I don't hire you because you look good or have a nice personality or are an individual.... I hire you to do a job and produce money for me. But, I will respect you and treat you well if you do the same for me.



My BIG pet peeve is when others want to force someone to fit into that category, or force someone to get along or like someone else. The world does NOT work that way.


This is NOT a gender thing, nor is it a race thing, and sick and tired of this shoved down our throats.


So, cool a bit... we are ALL in the same bucket.
 
I don't think he has a boat at present time
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Correct. I don't have a boat right now. If I were buying today, I'd be in the market for something like this '05 Pachoud 86 foot. I'm very busy with my businesses right now, though, I'm only 43 and what I really, really want is a Silent 80 3-Deck. I can't afford that today, but if everything goes as planned I'd like to sell one of my businesses by the time I'm 50 and maybe be lucky enough to find a gently used Silent 80 or similar for the money I get from the biz.

It does give kids some legal clout, but doubt that's in the picture at 40.
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Definitely not. I got snipped a decade ago. That's another thing I was very up front about when I met this girl, she said she was okay with not having children. That didn't stop her from snapping at me a week ago, "If I don't get a baby then you don't get a boat." I couldn't help but laugh as I told her, "No, that's not at all how this works. If you suddenly want a baby now, you better get looking for another man right away."

Marriage is simply not going to happen at this point. Her behavior is very concerning. She keeps trying to exert control over me on major life decisions and getting upset when she finds that she can't.

all I can say is run. even if you don't buy a boat run anyway.
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This is looking more and more likely by the day.
 
boatlife said:
Correct. I don't have a boat right now. If I were buying today, I'd be in the market for something like this '05 Pachoud 86 foot. I'm very busy with my businesses right now, though, I'm only 43 and what I really, really want is a Silent 80 3-Deck. I can't afford that today, but if everything goes as planned I'd like to sell one of my businesses by the time I'm 50 and maybe be lucky enough to find a gently used Silent 80 or similar for the money I get from the biz.


Definitely not. I got snipped a decade ago. That's another thing I was very up front about when I met this girl, she said she was okay with not having children. That didn't stop her from snapping at me a week ago, "If I don't get a baby then you don't get a boat." I couldn't help but laugh as I told her, "No, that's not at all how this works. If you suddenly want a baby now, you better get looking for another man right away."

Marriage is simply not going to happen at this point. Her behavior is very concerning. She keeps trying to exert control over me on major life decisions and getting upset when she finds that she can't.


This is looking more and more likely by the day.
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Boatlife,


Didn't mean to say someone wouldn't end up paying... BUT the only reason for marriage today is to protect kids when the parents fight and the kid gets left out. Without the kids, I could argue that the parents duke it out, take their lumps and don't make that same mistake. But... people do.
 
My final wife..... I had a prenup. When she realized she was not going to get the "keys to the kingdom", she moved on. Even with the prenup, it cost me about $100K. Best money I could have spent.
 
OldDan1943 said:
My final wife..... I had a prenup. When she realized she was not going to get the "keys to the kingdom", she moved on. Even with the prenup, it cost me about $100K. Best money I could have spent.
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100K is a bargain. A friend of mine is about to give up 1M+.

Makes me think of the blues song "cheaper to keep her" and the line goes something like...... It didn't cost you $2 to bring her home, now it will cost you $2 million, just to leave her alone.....

And another line something like...... You see another girl and you want to make a switch? She ain't gonna want you cuz you aint got sh!t.

If ever in question, listen to Buddy Guy's version. Lot's of wisdom in that song regardless of who sings it!
 
Seevee said:
Boatlife,


Didn't mean to say someone wouldn't end up paying... BUT the only reason for marriage today is to protect kids when the parents fight and the kid gets left out. Without the kids, I could argue that the parents duke it out, take their lumps and don't make that same mistake. But... people do.
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I'm not so sure how marriage protects the kids, but it certainly protects the stay at home mom. Not saying she doesn't deserve it.
 
I'm not so sure how marriage protects the kids, but it certainly protects the stay at home mom. Not saying she doesn't deserve it.
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Sometimes she doesn't. My wife refused to get a job. Even after the kids were in school full time she still wouldn't work. Just sat at home and made messes that I'd have to clean up after a long day at the office. I begged her to work, she refused. It would have really helped, especially early in the marriage when my career was just getting started and we were living paycheck to paycheck and racking up credit card debt any time there was an emergency because we had no savings.

Of course her "lack of work experience" was used against me in the divorce to take more of our assets. That stung. I asked my lawyer "So because she got a free ride the last 15 years, she gets more than half our estate and a bigger chunk of my income for the next decade to continue the free ride?" Yep. That's how it works, and the women I've met post-divorce can't understand why I'm not eager to walk them down the aisle.
 
And even more of a sting, she can move in with another guy and not get married and you still have to pay her. I don't know how we got to these laws but it seems they could use a little rework.

In my case, married over 40 yrs to the same woman, I would have no qualms about giving her half of what we have even though I earned most of it. She took care of the house and kids while I went to school and work. We started with nothing and she deserves half of whatever we built together. That's probably why we have the laws we do, but it's rarely even close to fair in most cases.
 
boatlife said:
Sometimes she doesn't. My wife refused to get a job. Even after the kids were in school full time she still wouldn't work. Just sat at home and made messes that I'd have to clean up after a long day at the office. I begged her to work, she refused. It would have really helped, especially early in the marriage when my career was just getting started and we were living paycheck to paycheck and racking up credit card debt any time there was an emergency because we had no savings.

Of course her "lack of work experience" was used against me in the divorce to take more of our assets. That stung. I asked my lawyer "So because she got a free ride the last 15 years, she gets more than half our estate and a bigger chunk of my income for the next decade to continue the free ride?" Yep. That's how it works, and the women I've met post-divorce can't understand why I'm not eager to walk them down the aisle.
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If you think taking home of the house and the kids is a free ride, then good luck because you need it.
 
BandB said:
If you think taking home of the house and the kids is a free ride, then good luck because you need it.
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I don't think anyone is saying that taking care of a house and kids is easy, but if someone doesn't want to work and uses that as an excuse because they can but the kids are grown and independent, that's not really fair.
 
backinblue said:
And even more of a sting, she can move in with another guy and not get married and you still have to pay her. I don't know how we got to these laws but it seems they could use a little rework.

In my case, married over 40 yrs to the same woman, I would have no qualms about giving her half of what we have even though I earned most of it. She took care of the house and kids while I went to school and work. We started with nothing and she deserves half of whatever we built together. That's probably why we have the laws we do, but it's rarely even close to fair in most cases.
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My wife's earnings were less than mine but it was us together planning. She brought nearly equal into our marriage. My salary said she didn't have to pursue money which made her an incredible educator. She could have earned many times what she did in other fields. Each career option and choice was together. I got so much pleasure and joy from her job.

Divorce is never fair to anyone on either side. Both lose. Only winners are the lawyers who get paid to make it happen. I think one problem is both talk afterwards about what they lost or gave up or what it cost them, but the point is both do so. Rarely does either party feel like they came out ahead.

What is the problem is that it has to be adversarial, the courts require it, the entire set up. Because it's not predetermined now it must be and it includes parties not now happy with each other. The process can turn the most amicable separation into the ugliest divorce. You add to that all the advice both get from friends on how to screw the other in the divorce.
 
Wow, everyone has a lot to say it seems.


Maybe for her, this is a smooth way out of the relationship as well.



You yourself said "If loving somebody means giving up all of your own wants and desires and catering to the other person 100%, then you're right. I don't love her like that." That is pretty revealing statement for a fairly fresh relationship.


Maybe she senses that in you, or feels the same way about the relationship herself, and has purposely chosen this hill for the relationship to die on.



Either way , I dont think the relationship can move forward at this point in a healthy healthy manner, boat or no boat, plane or no plane, RV or no RV.


The fact that she 'cannot' talk about it more tells me she is holding something back and may have already come to the conclusion the relationship will not work well long term.


Then again, I'm just a boater, and you are asking relationship questions on a boating forum. Maybe you should be asking your questions in a relationship/counseling forum instead.



Regardless, from your posts so far, you seem well balanced and I am 100% sure everything will work out for the best for you.
 
backinblue said:
100K is a bargain. A friend of mine is about to give up 1M+.
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A. gotta have a prenup that addresses her exit fee before you marry her.
B. convince her, it is her idea to leave.
 
If you think taking home of the house and the kids is a free ride, then good luck because you need it.
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I certainly don't. Keeping a home and raising children is incredibly hard work. I did most of that, too... at any rate, I was happy to give her half, it was the demand for more that stung because I really could have used her help financially over the years. It was tough being a single income household in my twenties.

I didn't mean for this thread to move into a marriage debate, though. I really just wanted to talk to like minded folks who have been through similar situations. It sounds like a lot of us have. I wonder what it is about this type of lifestyle that appeals so much more to men than it does women? I think it's the nomadic aspect... roaming from port to port, not really having roots in any one place. Most of the people I've known who were into those sorts of adventures were men.
 
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RT Firefly said:
Greetings,

Mr. OD. Please send picture of the boat. (Sorry, old joke. Probably older than you....Nawww.)
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slowgoesit said:
RTF, Fishing IS a waste of time. Now CATCHING, that's something totally different!:D
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In my view, fishing is the absolutely best way in the world to waste time. Heck, I sometimes think it's best not to catch anything, 'cause then you have to scale, gut, and clean it, then cook it..! When the F & C shop's just down the road from where you live, and on the way home. :D
 
I didn't read all the posts in this thread, so this may have already come up: I was up front with my girlfriend about my love of boats before we got married. We've now been married over 25 years and I can't imagine having tolerated anyone else for that long.

She started out saying she'd be interested in boating (but we didn't define that) and as she's gotten older she has less and less interest. Now I boat alone and have given up on the idea of living aboard or cruising long term. I'm strictly a weekender with a week aboard here and there.

Our compromise has been I don't bother her WITH boats, and she doesn't bother me ABOUT boats. I'd much rather live with her in a house on the water than live on a boat with anyone else.

If she really matters to you, that's important. If she doesn't really matter to you, I guess that's important too. Your mileage may vary...
 
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I know I'll get some flack, but gotta respond to the "housework is a really hard full time job... especially with kids" or the like comments. To which I respond RUBISH!



It's part of just living life, and there's 1000s of folks that do this WITH a full time job, so how the heck is taking care of the house a hard, full time job.



The "stay at home" spouse to manage things and take care of the kids, is the easiest job in the world. Easy to manage your time, send the kid(s) off to school, watch the morning soaps, have lunch with the other lazy spouses, more soaps, perhaps mess with the garden, read the news, have a beer. Meet the kid after school, and send them out to play. And bitch when the working spouse comes home from work and doesn't make your dinner to your liking.......


Off my soap box!
 
Seevee said:
I know I'll get some flack, but gotta respond to the "housework is a really hard full time job... especially with kids" or the like comments. To which I respond RUBISH!



It's part of just living life, and there's 1000s of folks that do this WITH a full time job, so how the heck is taking care of the house a hard, full time job.



The "stay at home" spouse to manage things and take care of the kids, is the easiest job in the world. Easy to manage your time, send the kid(s) off to school, watch the morning soaps, have lunch with the other lazy spouses, more soaps, perhaps mess with the garden, read the news, have a beer. Meet the kid after school, and send them out to play. And bitch when the working spouse comes home from work and doesn't make your dinner to your liking.......


Off my soap box!
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I've thought a little about that topic myself.....
In part, i agree with you....and honestly I sometimes dream of trying out being Mr. Mom....mostly because that flexibility to set my own schedule is very appealing...
I think a big variable though is quality of the job. Most folks today run their households in a state of "good enough"...not "awesome". I know that's true in my case.....some things just never get put away...perpetual pile of laundry, meals are not usually even hinting at gourmet, house is never as clean as it should be....

Ever take a look at an old home economics textbook from way back when? A person can treat running the household like a job and that can take more hours than there are in a day.... menu planning, shopping, cleaning, etc.... and she's gotta knock off and have everything finished, clean, and tidy in time to get herself cleaned up and primped looking nice to meet him at the door when he comes home. Can't stress him out about unfinished piles of laundry, etc...

My wife and I both work. She has her own business and her week is more varied than mine.... some days she's home early, some late. On her late days especially, i feel like I'm leaving work at 5 to go to my second job.... Kids are home from school...After I get home I've got to bring in the mail and trash, go get dinner going or encourage the kids to start it if they haven't already. I've gotta go follow-up to see where they are with homework, start a load of laundry.... perhaps do some odd home repair or chore, and on and on....
I've had a few chances over the year to taste it...doing a 'staycation'..... I get a lot done and have often felt very accomplished but also exhausted...and there's always something left undone...or dinner is later than I'd hoped....etc... It does seem like though that if a person were to do it full time they could get on top of things better and really get things running like a clock.

All that said, yes...I'm betting that very few, if any, modern stay at home parents run their households to their potential.... and therefore...yeah, it's an easy job.
 
On the original topic:

I've yet to deal with this in boating, as my current partner is on board (see what I did there?) With the liveaboard lifestyle and cruising plans... However...

My previous marriage was pretty rough- I have strange passions concerning life; We one get one shot at this go around on Earth, so I've always wanted to make the best of it. I've been a motorcycle enthusiast since I was a kid. I owned one before I started dating, throughout the dating stage, and into my first marriage. I made no secret of my intentions to spend long hours in the saddle with my brothers alongside me, and was happy to invite my ex along for every adventure and camping trip. She made as though she enjoyed it while we were dating and into the beginning of the marriage, but after the knot was tied, slowly started distancing herself from the lifestyle. She was always making on about being upset that I was spending my vacations exploring the US byways, and felt that I needed to "settle down" and give up my adventurous ways. That was a strong no from me.

Eventually, she told me it was going to be her or the bike. Mind you, I was the only working person in the household, and financed all of her art-related passions with an open checkbook. I made it quite clear that I wasn't happy settling in and waiting for death on a couch, or just wandering the same places in the small town we were in.

Shortly thereafter, we had a (mostly) amicable divorce.

I've never chosen the boat over the girl... But I did choose a bike over one. If you do what makes you ultimately happy (as I said before, we only get one chance at this life as a whole), you'll find someone that shares your passions- just be sure they actually share them and it isn't lip service.

TL;DR version:
You can date a lot of people in your life, but you only get one life to live. Don't waste it setting aside your dreams for the benefit of someone who doesn't share them.

I know, it's a bit selfish- but bear in mind we didn't have kids. (unless you count the dog, and he came with me anyway. He's now the rear admiral on the boat, after all!) Kids add in another factor to the equation, and I can't really advise on that one way or the other.

Best of luck in whatever you decide, but regardless: get out there and get to living!
 
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She was always making on about being upset that I was spending my vacations exploring the US byways, and felt that I needed to "settle down" and give up my adventurous ways. That was a strong no from me.
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I have the same concerns about my boat compromise. I know she's going to get upset when I want to spend time on the boat. She already gets upset when she catches me looking at videos of boats or reading boating forums & magazines, etc. There's no way she's going to suddenly be okay with me being gone for days to weeks at a time. If we have a home base like she wants, that really limits my exploration potential. At some point I'm going to tire of exploring the same area, point the bow toward another continent and just go.

I really think I need a partner who truly wants to live on a boat. It's been a passion of mine for far too long to just give it up.
 
The mere action of trying to get a partner may induce a divorce.
 
boatlife said:
I have the same concerns about my boat compromise. I know she's going to get upset when I want to spend time on the boat. She already gets upset when she catches me looking at videos of boats or reading boating forums & magazines, etc. There's no way she's going to suddenly be okay with me being gone for days to weeks at a time. If we have a home base like she wants, that really limits my exploration potential. At some point I'm going to tire of exploring the same area, point the bow toward another continent and just go.

I really think I need a partner who truly wants to live on a boat. It's been a passion of mine for far too long to just give it up.
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Your first paragraph suggests she is prepared to tolerate a boat if there is still a house on land, and short more local cruises. It`s quite different from your first paragraph where she saw the boat as a black snake she would not touch, ever, at all.
So have things moved? If not, enough discussion. Tell her it`s over, you`re going boating. If that doesn`t elicit an acceptable compromise, move on.
 
I'm not piggy. I just want one companion who is beautiful, sweet, gentle orphan and widow with no kids, who likes to cook and clean and a bigger boat than mine, who will love an ugly old man who is not worth the powder to blow me to hell.

I dont think I am asking too much, you agree?
 
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