Humor

What do you call a fairy sitting on a head?
Stinkerbell!

humor

Subject: FW: Blond in a bar.



Subject: Blond in a bar.

Jack, a handsome man, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 pm. He sat down next to this blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV as the 10:00 news came on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump.

The blonde looked at Jack and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"

Jack says, "You know what, I bet he will." The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't." Jack placed $30 on the bar and said, "You're on!"

Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy did a swan dive off of the building, falling to his death. The blonde was very upset and handed her $30 to Jack, saying, "Fair's fair... Here's your money."

Jack replied, "I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 o'clock news and knew he would jump."

The blonde replies, "I did too; but I didn't think he'd do it again."

Jack took the money.

Greetings and good morning...

The Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about their squirrel infestation. After much prayer and consideration, they concluded that the squirrels were predestined to be there, and they should not interfere with God’s divine will.

At the Baptist church, the squirrels had taken an interest in the baptistry. The deacons met and decided to put a water-slide on the baptistry and let the squirrels drown themselves. The squirrels liked the slide and, unfortunately, knew instinctively how to swim, so twice as many squirrels showed up the following week.

The Lutheran church decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God’s creatures. So, they humanely trapped their squirrels and set them free near the Baptist church. Two weeks later, the squirrels were back when the Baptists took down the water-slide.

The Episcopalians tried a much more unique path by setting out pans of whiskey around their church in an effort to kill the squirrels with alcohol poisoning. They sadly learned how much damage a band of drunk squirrels can do.

But the Catholic church came up with a more creative strategy! They baptized all the squirrels and made them members of the church. Now they only see them at Christmas and Easter.

Not much was heard from the Jewish synagogue. They took the first squirrel and circumcised him. They haven’t seen a squirrel since.

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boathealer said:

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Wow, that's thinking with both lobes, right there!

An old sea captain was sitting on a bench near the wharf when a young man walked up and sat down.

The young man had spiked hair and each spike was a different color…. green, red, orange, blue, and yellow.

After a while, the young man noticed that the captain was staring at him.

“What’s the matter old timer, never done anything wild in your life?

The old captain replied, “Got drunk once and married a parrot. I was just wondering if you were my son!”

"and married"???, Geee, when I heard this joke before it was another term for what the old captain did to the bird.

Zoar said:

"and married"???, Geee, when I heard this joke before it was another term for what the old captain did to the bird.

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Well, this IS a family forum . . . And the discretion is appreciated!

It was a lot more fun being 20 in the seventies than it is being 70 in the twenties.

Can’t believe what I saw at McDonald’s, today.
An old man placed an order for one hamburger , French fries and a drink.
He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half , placing one half in front of his wife.
He then carefully counted out the French fries , dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.
He took a sip of the drink , his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them. As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger , the people around them were looking over and whispering.
Obviously they were thinking , 'That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them.'
As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table and politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said , they were just fine - they were used to sharing everything..
People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.
Again , the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman said 'No , thank you , we are used to sharing everything.'
Finally , as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin , the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked 'What is it you are waiting for?'
She answered
'THE TEETH'. ????

RT Firefly said:

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Ha, some contributors to "Nextdoor.com" should do with a few of those. I posted. link to "Bonsai Cats" in response to yet another lost/found cat comment. Beer had got the better of the situation, should not have done that and they temporarily banned me.

Greetings,
Mr. CLJ. Yep. Posting while under the influence can get you in no end of perdition.

What did the fish cop say to the salmon egg? I hope you fry

Don't know if I posted this one before -

Sailor says to pirate, so what's up with the eye patch?
Aye, I looked up an a bloody seagull crapped right in me eye!
You lost your eye cause of a seagull crap?
Aye, first day with me hook, mate

I think that this one got me today.

dwhatty said:

I think that this one got me today.

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That is funny!

No-seems' out yet? How are their volcanic eruption bites doing this year?? LOL I remember it well!

...

Fred`s long distance eyesight is not great, and especially troublesome playing golf when he can`t accurately track where the ball lands.

His wife says, Why not take my Uncle Joe along, he`s 102 yo, but still has perfect vision and would enjoy the outing"
So Fred does that. He drives off the first tee, as usual he loses sight of where the ball lands and says to Uncle Joe "Did you see where it landed?" "Yes I did, quite clearly" says Uncle Joe. "So where did it land?" asks Fred. Uncle Joe: " Sorry Fred, I `ve forgotten".

Unexpected use for a trawler. Transporting sheep from an island farm to onshore to a fate best not explored.

BruceK said:

Unexpected use for a trawler. Transporting sheep from an island farm to onshore to a fate best not explored.

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I understand that the famous song by The Seekers, I’ll Never Find Another You, was first released in Australia as I’ll Never Find Another Ewe.

HopCar said:

I understand that the famous song by The Seekers, I’ll Never Find Another You, was first released in Australia as I’ll Never Find Another Ewe.

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AKA, "The Ram`s Lament" (Not to suggest the ram was seeking an underage "lam")

A friend calls her boyfriend "Wombat". A wombat is a completely herbivorous native animal, about 1 metre long,solidly built like a little bulldozer with a reputation for digging tunnel burrows and undermining. They look like this;

Anyway, she calls him Wombat. She says it`s because when he visits, he eats roots shoots and leaves.