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Old 01-09-2021, 05:36 PM   #2081
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Decided to live in one of the holiest ways of life: "Throw out everything that does not provide pleasure"!

So far...

I threw out - bathroom scale / spinach / mirror

Wife comes home soon...
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Old 01-09-2021, 07:33 PM   #2082
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A businessman in the first class cabin decided to chat up the drop dead, gorgeous flight attendant: “What is your name?”

Flight Attendant: “Angela Benz, sir”

Businessman: “Lovely name ...any relation to Mercedes Benz?”

Flight Attendant: “Yes sir, very close”

Businessman: “How close?”

Flight Attendant: “Same price".
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Old 01-09-2021, 08:20 PM   #2083
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Been a while since we went out. My wife's "going out" clothes missed her so much... that when she finally got em on it looked like they were trying to hug her to death!


Age 13 I fell head over heels onto concrete road off my then broken bike. Had to carry the bike five miles to get home. One night night last week at age 50 I slept wrong on my pillow. Had to wear a neck brace for six days.
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Old 01-09-2021, 09:07 PM   #2084
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A Priest, a rabbit and minister alk into a bar. The bartender asked the rabbit, "What'll have?"
The rabbit says "I dunno, I'm only here because of autocorrect.
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Old 01-09-2021, 10:17 PM   #2085
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A Priest, a rabbit and minister alk into a bar. The bartender asked the rabbit, "What'll have?"
The rabbit says "I dunno, I'm only here because of autocorrect.
Oh, the irony!
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Old 01-10-2021, 11:42 AM   #2086
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A Priest, a rabbit and minister alk into a bar. The bartender asked the rabbit, "What'll have?"
The rabbit says "I dunno, I'm only here because of autocorrect.

A keeper for sure!
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Old 01-10-2021, 09:34 PM   #2087
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Old 01-11-2021, 09:55 PM   #2088
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Old 01-11-2021, 10:49 PM   #2089
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Report from the Aged Care Home: "Roses are red, Violets are blue, Ethel`s are grey."
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Old 01-12-2021, 10:10 AM   #2090
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Yep!
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Old 01-12-2021, 01:29 PM   #2091
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Killing Time

A police officer was patrolling late at night off the main highway. At nearly midnight, he saw a couple in a car in Lovers' Lane, with the interior light brightly glowing. He carefully approached the car to get a closer look. Then he saw a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine. He immediately noticed a young woman in the rear seat, filing her fingernails. Puzzled by this surprising situation, the officer walked to the car and gently rapped on the driver's window.

The young man lowered his window. "Uh, yes, officer?"

The cop asked, "What are you doing?"

The young man said, "Well, officer, I'm reading a magazine."

Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat the officer asked, "And, her, what is she doing?"

The young man shrugged, "Sir, I believe she's filing her fingernails."

Now, the cop was totally confused. A young couple, alone, in a car, at night in Lover's Lane and nothing obscene is happening!

He asked, "What's your age, young man ?"

The young man said, "I'm 22, sir."

The cop asked, "And her, what's her age?"

The young man looked at his watch and replied, "She'll be 18 in 11 minutes."
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Old 01-12-2021, 01:55 PM   #2092
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Yesirree!
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Old 01-12-2021, 02:11 PM   #2093
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(A Proctologist, is a doctor who specializes in diseases of the anus, rectum & colon.)

Two best friends graduated from medical school at the same time and decided that, in spite of two different specialties, they would open a practice together to share the costs of office space and personnel.

Dr. Smith was the psychiatrist and Dr. Jones was the proctologist, so they put up a sign reading: "Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones: Hysterias and Posteriors"

The town council was livid and insisted they change it.

So, the docs changed it to read: "Schizoids and Hemorrhoids"

This was also not acceptable, so they again changed the sign.

"Catatonics and High Colonics" - No go.

Next, they tried "Manic Depressives and Anal Retentives" - thumbs down again.

Then came "Minds and Behinds" - still no good.

Another attempt "Lost Souls and Butt Holes" was unacceptable again!

So they tried "Analysis and Anal Cysts" - not a chance.

"Nuts and Butts" - no way.

"Freaks and Cheeks" - still not good.

"Loons and Moons" - forget it.

Almost at their wits' end, the docs finally came up with: "Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones - Specializing in Odds and Ends"

Everyone loved it.
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Old 01-12-2021, 08:11 PM   #2094
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As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, a woman became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step on the bus. Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. She tried to take the step, only to discover that she couldn’t.

With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to take the step.

After becoming quite frustrated and embarrassed, she once again attempted to unzip her skirt more to allow more legroom to get on the step of the bus.

About this time, a large Taxan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.

She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled, “How dare you touch my body! I don’t even know who you are!”

The Texan smiled and drawled, “Well ma’am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we were friends"
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Old 01-12-2021, 08:49 PM   #2095
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This is a true story.....

https://www.reddit.com/r/videos/comm...y_ever_told_i/
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Old 01-12-2021, 11:28 PM   #2096
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Eight life jackets US Coast Guard.
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Old 01-13-2021, 04:20 PM   #2097
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It might take a few seconds...
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Old 01-13-2021, 07:31 PM   #2098
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Q. What`s the shortest measurable time period?
A. The time that elapses between a traffic light going green and a horn sounding behind your car.
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Old 01-13-2021, 08:25 PM   #2099
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That's the Canadian definition of a split second.
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Old 01-14-2021, 09:09 AM   #2100
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