I think I opened up a can of worms...
We're all trying to change one another, some to a greater degree than others. That said, I'm not so much trying to change her on this topic as I am staying true to my dreams. When we first met I said this was what I wanted to do and she said that sounded "amazing." It's true that I would love for her to join me and I'm trying to teach her what I know about cruising and encourage her to explore the idea with me, but since she's decided this isn't the life for her, that's okay.
Unfortunately that means we're not all that compatible. I do want a partner who at least fancies the idea of yachting and is willing to talk about it with me. I'm open to a lot of negotiation and compromise. Which boat we get, how much time we spend on it, where we go, whether we have a home base on land and where that's located, etc. It's not all "my way or the highway." But it damn sure is "I want a large catamaran, I've worked hard and saved my pennies for decades toward this, I'm going to buy one in a few years, join me or not but don't tell me I can't do this, don't cry because I'm looking at boats and reading boat forums and watching boat videos, don't give me an ultimatum."
She imagines being stuck on the boat while I imagine the boat is my house that I can place in various places to explore before moving onto the next place. She imagines breaking all ties with our hometown and friends, while to mee that's not a requirement at all..... She would prefer to maintain a home base...while I imagine maintaining a home base as an anchor that will always hold or pull be back and not allow me to go the the next place. She imagines renting a place in some far away place and using it as a base of exploration for a time, then moving on while I imagine that rental house as being a second anchor. I like the idea of having my own place that I can move....
I could swear you're me and your wife is my girlfriend. Wait, that sounds bad... my girlfriend is your wife? Nope, that's no good either, but you get the point. Everything you imagine about the boat, I also imagine. Your wife's perspective matches my girlfriend's perspective.
Yesterday, she said, "What am I supposed to do while you're off snorkeling or scuba diving or riding jet skis? I don't want to do any of that." I asked her, "What do you do now when I'm outside working in the yard on various landscaping projects that you don't enjoy doing and don't join me in?" She watches TV and plays on the Internet. I told her she'll have a bigger living room than we have now, she can do the exact same thing. That didn't resonate... she feels like she'll be trapped on the boat, unable to do the things she does now, most of which involve never leaving the house.
There are many, including us, who think the entire "marital contract" needs rewriting with the ending of it contemplated up front, much like a standard pre-nuptial.
Agreed. This is another point where my girlfriend and I are at odds. She wants a marriage, I'm not entering into one until we can see eye to eye on some major life decisions and if we do get there - and I'm absolutely not convinced we can based on what the past year has shown me - a prenup will be required. She's not happy about that but I already had to write one ex wife a six figure check to buy my freedom, I'm not doing that again.
I'd like to think she could have been honest with you when you told her your dreams, but maybe she just didn't realize that you were being honest with her. I don't know.. a lot of people say they want "dreams" but then never make it happen.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what happened. She went along with it because she thought it was a pipe dream. "Haha, this guy thinks he's going to buy a million dollar yacht." She got a partial peek at my finances about a year ago while I was reconciling some business accounts, realized I have the means to pull it off and that's when things started going downhill. Pressuring me to get married, to give up my yacht ambitions and buy her a beach house in Hawaii, etc. Well, mama didn't raise no fool, I love the girl but I'm not handing anybody the keys to the kingdom and giving her access to my accounts and investments. She's college educated and has had jobs with a similar salary as I, the difference is she spent it all on lifestyle stuff and I saved and invested over many years. Now we're in our forties and I've got investments and she doesn't. That right there is all the proof I need to know that I'm not abandoning my financial management style and letting her start calling the shots. I wasn't born into money and I don't make a million bucks a year, I've simply been frugal with my spending, saved over a long period of time and made some smart investments that are beginning to yield dividends.
I'm happy to take care of her. I enjoy sharing the fruits of my labor with the people I love. I'm generous with her and my family. I'm just not going to sign a contract that requires me to continue being generous long after she's left me. If you're with me and you love me and you treat me right I'll share everything with you, but if you break my heart then I get to take my toys and go home. I don't think that's unreasonable.
if you have a dream that burns at your soul level that keeps you alive through all of life's crap
That's it right there. The sea calls me. I don't know what it is, something inside of me yearns for adventure. Every visit to the coast, every time I set foot on a big boat, the desire burns more intensely. I can sit quietly and watch the waves all day, watching boats come and go, watching the birds and the fish... it gives me a deep satisfaction and fills a void that no person can.
I caved, a little bit. I acquiesced to not living on the boat full time but instead using it as a second home. Told her we could get a condo at a marina to use as a home base. She's thinking about it. Honestly, I've lost a lot of hope for us, I can see this going poorly where I spend weekends on the boat, she doesn't come with me and we both resent one another. It sucks, I wanted the girl I met two years ago who thought yacht life was "an amazing dream" and was excited for our future.
Compromise is not a word that is in her actions or words.
