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Old 06-01-2015, 08:15 PM   #741
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Quote:
Originally Posted by dwhatty View Post
Even more "interesting" when it happens aboard.
And in that vein, I offer three aphorisms:
Buffet: A French word that means "Get up and get it yourself."
Bulimia: twice the taste and none of the calories. Ken Knerr.
Bumper sticker: Bad Cop, No Donut.

Signed, Anonymous.
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Old 06-03-2015, 10:02 AM   #742
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English is not that easy

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Old 06-09-2015, 10:38 PM   #743
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Three Aussie blokes named Mongrel, Coot and Bluey, were working high up on an

outback mobile phone tower.

As they start their descent, Coot slips, falls off the tower and is killed instantly.

As the ambulance takes the body away, Bluey says,

"Well, bugger me, someone's gotta go and tell Coot's wife".

Mongrel says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it."

Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of beer.

Bluey says, "Where'd you get the beer Mongrel?"

"Coot's wife gave it to me," Mongrel replies.

"That's unbelievable, you actually told his missus her husband was dead and

she gave you a case of beer!"

"Well, not exactly", Mongrel says.

When she answered the door, I said to her, "You must be Coot's widow."

She said, "You must be mistaken .... I'm not a widow."

Then I said, "I'll betcha a case of beer you are."

Aussies are good at that sensitive stuff.
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Old 06-11-2015, 12:32 AM   #744
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Researchers for the Massachusetts Turnpike Authority found over 200 dead crows near greater Boston recently and there was a concern they may have died from Avian Flu.

A bird Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows and to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was definitely NOT Avian Flu. The cause of death appeared to be vehicular impact.

However, during the detailed analysis it was noted that varying colors of paints appeared on the birds beaks and claws

By analyzing these paint residues it was determined that 98% if the crows had been killed by impact with trucks, while only 2% were killed by an impact with a car.

MTA then hired an Ornithological Behaviorist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentage of truck kills versus car kills.

He very quickly concluded the cause: When crows eat road kill they always have a look-out crow in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger.

They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout 'Cah! Cah!', not a single one could shout 'Truck!'
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Old 06-13-2015, 06:56 AM   #745
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An unemployed man is desperate to support his family of a wife and three kids. He applies for a janitor's job at a large firm and easily passes an aptitude test.
The human resources manager tells him "You will be hired at minimum wage of $7.35 an hour. Let me have your e-mail address so that we can get you in the loop. Our system will automatically e-mail you all the forms and advise you when to start and where to report on your first day".
Taken aback, the man protests that he is poor and has neither a computer nor an e-mail address. To this the manager replies "You must understand that to a company like ours that means that you virtually do not exist. Without an e-mail address you can hardly expect to be employed by a high-tech firm. Good day".
Stunned, the man leaves. Not knowing where to turn and having $10 in his wallet, he walks past a farmers' market and sees a stand selling 25 lb. crates of beautiful red tomatoes. He buys a crate, carries it to a busy corner and displays the tomatoes. In less than 2 hours he sells all the tomatoes and makes 100% profit. Repeating the process several times more that day, he ends up with almost $100 and arrives home that night with several bags of groceries for his family.
During the night he decides to repeat the tomato business the next day. By the end of the week he is getting up early every day and working into the night. He multiplies his profits quickly.
Early in the second week he acquires a cart to transport several boxes of tomatoes at a time, but before a month is up he sells the cart to buy a broken-down pickup truck.
At the end of a year, he owns three old trucks. His two sons have left their neighbourhood gangs to help him with the tomato business, his wife is buying the tomatoes, and his daughter is taking night courses at the community college so she can keep books for him.
By the end of the second year he has a dozen very nice used trucks and employs fifteen previously unemployed people, all selling tomatoes. He continues to work hard.
Time passes and at the end of the fifth year he owns a fleet of nice trucks and a warehouse that his wife supervises, plus two tomato farms that the boys manage. The tomato company's payroll has put hundreds of homeless and jobless people to work.
His daughter reports that the business grossed over one million dollars.
Planning for the future, he decides to buy some life insurance. Consulting with an insurance adviser, he picks an insurance plan to fit his new circumstances. Then the adviser asks him for his e-mail address in order to send the final documents electronically. When the man replies that he doesn't have time to mess with a computer and has no e-mail address, the insurance man is stunned "What, you don't have e-mail? No computer? No Internet? Just think where you would be today if you'd had all of that five years ago!"
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Old 06-13-2015, 07:57 AM   #746
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FF....I know it's humor, but that was perfect!
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Old 06-13-2015, 08:57 AM   #747
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FF....I know it's humor, but that was perfect!
Ditto!

Fred, hope you don't mind... I'm copying and sending to a couple of friends that also made it to success the hard way of good ol' smart, hard work.
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Old 06-14-2015, 07:19 AM   #748
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"I'm copying and sending to a couple of friends that also made it to success the hard way of good ol' smart, hard work."

Are you sure you want NSA to read of hard working folks " that didn't build that" to be located ?

The Left wishes to demonize and destroy these folks.

Success is not PC !
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Old 06-14-2015, 09:41 AM   #749
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A guy is caught by a ranger eating a bald eagle and is consequently put in jail for the crime. On the day of his trial, the conversation went something like this:

Judge: Do you know that eating a bald eagle is a federal offense?

Man: Yes I did and do. But if you let me argue my case, Ill explain what happened.

Judge: Proceed.

Man: I got lost in the woods. I hadnt had anything to eat for two weeks. I was so hungry. Next thing I see is a Bald Eagle swooping down at the lake for some fish. I knew that if I followed the Eagle I could maybe steal the fish. Unfortunately, in the process of taking the fish I killed the Eagle. I figured that since I killed the Eagle I might as well eat it since it would be more disgraceful to let it rot on the ground.

Judge: The court will take a recess while we analyze your testimony.

15 minutes goes by and the judge returns.

Judge: Due to the extreme hunger circumstance you were under and because you didnt intend to kill the Eagle, the court will dismiss the charges. But if you dont mind the court asking, what does a Bald Eagle taste like?

Man: Well your honor, it is hard to explain. The best I can describe it is maybe a combination between a California Condor and a Spotted Owl.


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Old 06-18-2015, 03:41 AM   #750
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Two senior guys, Fred and Bill, are chatting at Fred`s home. Fred`s wife makes herself busy in the adjoining kitchen, leaving them to chat.
Fred: Wife and I went to a great restaurant last night.
Bill: What`s the name of it
Fred:Can`t remember it
Bill: Its only last night Fred, come on
Fred: I`m trying, it`s not that easy...don`t tell me, I`ll get it...(this goes on for half an hour). Eventually Fred says: I think I can get it, tell me what`s this bush called, it`s about 4ft tall, has beautiful flowers in a range of colors, lovely perfume, and has thorns on the stem and branches?
Bill: It`s a rose of course, now what`s the name of the restaurant?
Fred: Of course, that`s it, rose, thanks Bill.
Fred (loudly): Rose, what was the name of that restaurant we went to last night?
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Old 06-18-2015, 06:43 PM   #751
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Greetings,
What do you call two crows sitting on a branch?
An attempted murder.
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Old 06-18-2015, 07:07 PM   #752
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Old 06-18-2015, 09:24 PM   #753
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And three or more make a successful one. But did they get away with it, whatever it was?

And what do you call this?
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Old 06-25-2015, 06:23 AM   #754
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Windows and MAC vs Ford

For all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection for the way computers have enhanced our lives, read on:-
























At a recent computer expo.
















(COMDEX),Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated,
























"If Ford had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."



























In response to Bill's comments,Ford issued a press release stating:
























If Ford had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics (and I just love this part):
























For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash.........twice a day.
























2.. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.
























3... Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.
























4... Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
























5..... Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five percent of the roads.
























6...... The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation" warning light.
























7...... The airbag system would ask,"Are you sure?" before deploying.
























8........ Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.
























9......... Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
























10.......... You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.
























PS - I'd like to add that when all else fails, you could call "customer service" in some foreign country and be instructed in some foreign language how to fix your car yourself!

















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Old 06-25-2015, 08:26 PM   #755
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In that same vein FF, may I suggest clicking on this link:

http://janice142.com/Videos/Control-Alt-Delete.wmv

When I just checked it downloads versus plays. I don't understand how to fix it. The link is a panel discussion and includes a younger Bill Gates along with the fellow who inserted the code for Ctrl-Alt-Del

I thought it was funny.
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Old 06-27-2015, 04:43 PM   #756
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The pilot was sitting in his seat and pulled out a .38 revolver. He placed it on top of the instrument panel, and then asked the navigator, "Do you know what I use this for?"

The navigator replied timidly, "No, what's it for?"

The pilot responded, "I use this on navigators who get me lost!"


The navigator proceeded to pull out a .45 and place it on his chart table.

The pilot asked, "What's that for?"

"To be honest sir," the navigator replied, "I'll know we're lost before
you will.
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Old 06-27-2015, 04:50 PM   #757
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A pompous minister was seated next to a Crew Chief on a Flight to Texas. After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken.

The Crew Chief asked for a whiskey, which was brought and placed before him. The flight attendant then asked the minister if he would like a drink.

He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by brazen whores than let liquor touch my lips!"

The Crew Chief then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me too. I didn't know we had a choice."
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Old 06-30-2015, 10:14 PM   #758
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4th of July

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Old 06-30-2015, 10:22 PM   #759
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Good one Janice!
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Old 06-30-2015, 10:22 PM   #760
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