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O Heck, it is swearing in day after all. So why not a bit of Presidential humor.

Bill and Hillary are at a Yankees home game, sitting in the first row, with the Secret Service people directly behind them.

One of the Secret Service guys leans forward and whispers something to Bill. At first, Clinton stares at the guy, looks at Hillary, looks back at the agent, and shakes his head "no". The agent then says, "Mr. President, it was a unanimous request of the entire team, from the owner of the team to the bat boy."

Bill hesitates ... but begins to change his mind when the agent tells him the fans would love it! Bill shrugs his shoulders and says, "Ho-Kay! If that is what the people want. C'mere Hilly baby..." With that, Bill gets up, grabs Hillary by her collar and the seat of her pants, lifts her up, and tosses her right over the wall onto the field.

She gets up kicking, swearing, screaming, "Bill you"!$#@&!". The crowd goes absolutely wild. Fans are jumping up and down, cheering, hooting and hollering, and high-fiving. Bill is bowing, smiling and waving to the crowd.

He leans over to the agent and says, "How about that; I would have never believed how much everyone would enjoy that!"

Noticing the agent has gone totally pale, he asks what is wrong.

The agent replies,

"Sir, I said they want you to throw out the first 'pitch'."
 
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ONE LINERS.....



I waited for so long at the doctor's office that by the time they called me it was time for my follow-up appointment.

Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.

Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *adjusts beer helmet* no

FERRET OWNERS: EITHER GET A CAT OR A SNAKE STOP TRYING TO SPLIT THE DIFFERENCE

Taco Bell wouldn't be so popular if indoor plumbing didn't exist

We were so high at the movies that I tried find my seatbelt and my friend helped me look for it.

[Cannibal Restaurant]
Waiter: Need anything else?
Cannibal: No, I'm stuffed. I can't even finish this. Could I get a body bag?

INTERVIEWER: strengths?
ME: I'm good at presenting both sides of an argument
INTERVIEWER: great
ME: which could also be a weakness…

The networks need to change the phrase “Breaking News” to “Now What?”

People accuse me of never giving a damn about anyone but myself, but I distinctly remember saying 'bless you' when someone sneezed last year.

Before my surgery, the anesthetist offered to use knockout gas or whack me over the head with a canoe paddle. It was an ether/oar situation.


I saw a girl in the distance. She had horizon me.

My teacher said I was average. I told him that's just mean.

I miss my wife's cooking...........every chance I get.

What a great guy my uncle was. Everywhere he went he lit up the room. He's doing 20 years for arson now.

My doctor just told me that I suffer from Compulsive Lying Syndrome, so I committed suicide yesterday.

I complained to my wife, "we're so poor we can't even afford punch lines to our jokes." She said,.........................................

I tried to teach my dog how to fetch. He just doesn't get it.

I must look similar to Richard Branson. Everyone keeps calling me "that virgin guy."


If I told you I was sleeping with your wife, would that make us enemies?
The best friend says, 'No, but it would make us even!'


NOT A ONE LINER.....
Joe goes to his friend Bob and says, "I'm sleeping with the minister's wife. Can you hold him in church for an hour after the services for me?"

Bob doesn't like it, but being a friend he agrees.

After the services, Bob starts talking to the minister, asking him all
sorts of stupid questions, just to keep him occupied.

Finally the minister gets annoyed and asks Bob what he's really up to.

Bob, feeling guilty, finally confesses to the minister. "My friend is
sleeping with your wife right now, so he asked me to keep you occupied."

The minister smiles, puts a brotherly hand on navigator’s shoulder and says, "You better hurry home. My wife died a year ago."
 
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menzies said:
Click to expand...

Menzies posted the above on another thread, but it didn't seem appropriate to continue it over there. I'd forgotten about Dave Allen, thanks!!

But here's the best part: After the video played, YouTube showed related videos, and one eventually led me to discovering Reginald D. Hunter.


This guy is one of the most talented stand-up comedians I've ever seen. His use of language, expressions, timing, everything, is perfect. And he's FUNNY.

Warning: If you're easily offended, you might think otherwise.
 
I actually think a great app would be one that allows you to shake the iPad/tablet over your head to close all apps. It's something we all do and can share in the moment like when we were kids and get some exercise, too.
 
Clever Italians!


The Old Italian Gardener
An old Italian man lived alone in New Jersey. He wanted to plant his annual
tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, as the ground was too hard.
His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote
a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won’t be able
to plant my tomato garden this year. I’m just getting too old to be digging up a
garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would
be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.

Love, Pop

A few days later he received a letter from his son.

Dear Pop,

Don’t dig up that garden. That’s where the bodies are buried.
Love, Vinnie


At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up
the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and
left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Pop,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That’s the best I could do under the
circumstances.

Love, Vinnie
 
What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?

Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%.

How about achieving 103%?

What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
Is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:
H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

And
K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But ,
A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.
A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty, that while Hardwork and Knowledge will get you close, and
Attitude will get you there. It’s the Bullshit and
Ass Kissing that will put you over the top.

Now you know why Politicians are where they are!

I’ve never seen a better explanation than this formula…………..
 
OK - here goes.

Boudreaux is driving down I-10 near Lafayette. He's behind a truckload of pigs. All of a sudden the truck hits a bump and one of the pigs flies out and lands in the grass next to the shoulder.

"Oh man!" Says Boudreaux, "I bettah go back and get dat pig an' take him to dat truck driver!"

He backs up on the shoulder and finds the pig which appears to be ok, so he puts the pig in the passenger seat and takes off to catch the truck.

Sheriff Thibideaux is coming the other way and picks Boudreaux up on his radar, so he pulls ol' Boudreaux over. "Boudreaux! Says sheriff Thibideaux, "How come you drivin' so damn fas'? "Well Sheriff...I gots to take dis here pig an' catch the truck she falled out of back dere."

"Boudreaux, dat pig truck is long gon'...you ain't gonna catch 'im now." I ain't gonna write you up a ticket, but here's da ting....I wan' you to take dat pig to the Lafayette zoo."

Boudreaux agrees and they part ways.

A week later, sheriff Thibideaux pulls into the gasoline store over in Rayne, and there's Boudreaux's truck, and the pig is sitting in the passenger seat. He finds Boudreaux and says, "Dammit, Boudreaux, I thought I 'tol you to take dat pig to the zoo!"

Boudreaux says, "'An' I DID, sheriff!"

Thibideaux says, "Well, what happened?"

And Boudreaux says, "I tell ya, sheriff, we had such a good time at the zoo, we's goin' to Disney world nex' week!"
 
Squirrels in Church

The Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about their
squirrels. After much prayer and consideration, they concluded the squirrels
were predestined to be there and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine
will.

At the Baptist church the squirrels had taken an interest in the
baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a water slide on the
baptistery and let the squirrels drown themselves. The squirrels liked the
slide and, unfortunately, knew instinctively how to swim so twice as many
squirrels showed up the following week.

The Methodist church decided that they were not in a position to harm any of
God's creatures. So, they humanely trapped their squirrels and set them free
near the Baptist Church. Two weeks later the squirrels were back when the
Baptists took down the water slide.

But the Catholic Church came up with a very creative strategy. They baptized
all the squirrels and consecrated them as members of the church. Now they
only see them on Christmas and Easter.

Not much was heard from the Jewish synagogue; they took the first
squirrel and circumcised him. They haven't seen a squirrel since.
 
A young girl started work in the village pharmacy. She was very shy about having to sell condoms to the public. The owner was going on holiday for a couple of days and asked if she would be willing to run the shop on her own. She had to confide in him her worries about selling the contraceptives.

"Look," he said. "My regular customers don’t ask for condoms, they'll ask for a 310 [small] a 320[medium] or a 330[large]. The word condom won’t even be used."

The first day was fine but on the second day a guy came in to the store, put out his hand and said "350".

The girl panicked. She phoned the owner on his mobile and told him of her predicament.

"Go back in and check if he has a yellow bucket hanging between his legs" her boss told her.

She peeped through the door and saw the yellow bucket hanging between his legs. "Yes!" she said " He's got one hanging there!"

The boss said "Go back in and give him $3.50, he's the window cleaner!"
 
From another forum:

Husband turns to his wife in bed and says, "it's National Orgasm day".

"Such a pity," she says, "right in the middle of National Headache Week".
 
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Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was “something wrong” with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his room.

“He’s just lying there looking sick,” he told me. “I’m serious, Dad . Can you help?”

I put my best lizard-healer expression on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do.

“Honey,” I called, “come look at the lizard!”

“Oh, my gosh!” my wife exclaimed. “She’s having babies.”

“What?” my son demanded. “But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!”

I was equally outraged.

“Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn’t want them to reproduce,” I said accusingly to my wife.

“Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?”she inquired (I think she actually said this sarcastically!).

“No, but you were supposed to get two boys!” I reminded her (in my most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth).

“Yeah, Bert and Ernie!” my son agreed.

“Well, it’s just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know!” she informed me (Again with the sarcasm!).

By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it.

"Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience,” I announced. “We’re about to witness the miracle of birth.”

“Oh, gross!” they shrieked.

“Well, isn’t THAT just great? What are we going to do with a litter of tiny little lizard babies?” my wife wanted to know.

We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later.

“We don’t appear to be making much progress,” I noted.

“It’s breech,” my wife whispered, horrified.

“Do something, Dad!” my son urged.

“Okay, okay.” Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gentle tug. It disappeared. I tried several more times with the same results.

“Should I call 911?” my eldest daughter wanted to know. "Maybe they could talk us through the trauma.” (You see a pattern here with the females in my house?)

“Let’s get Ernie to the vet,” I said grimly.

We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap.

“Breathe, Ernie, breathe,” he urged.

“I don’t think lizards do Lamaze,” his mother noted to him. (Women can be so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to me is one thing, but this boy is of her womb, for G~d’s sake.).

The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass.

“What do you think, Doc, a C-section?” I suggested scientifically.

“Oh, very interesting,” he murmured. “Mr. and Mrs.. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?”

I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.

“Is Ernie going to be okay?” my wife asked.

“Oh, perfectly,” the vet assured us. ‘This lizard is not in labor. In fact, that isn’t EVER going to happen. Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is a young male. And, occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species, they um...um . . . masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on his back.” He blushed, glancing at my wife.

We were silent, absorbing this.

“So, Ernie’s just...just...excited?", my wife offered.

“Exactly,” the vet replied, relieved that we understood.

More silence. Then my vicious, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle. And then even laugh loudly.

“What’s so funny?” I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness.

Tears were now running down her face. "It's just...that...I’m picturing you pulling on its...its...teeny little...”

She gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.

“That’s enough,” I warned. We thanked the vet and hurriedly bundled the lizard and our son back into the car.. He was glad everything was going to be okay.

“I know Ernie’s really thankful for what you did, Dad.” he told me.

“Oh, you have NO idea,” my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.

Two lizards: $140.
One cage: $50.
Trip to the vet: $30.
Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard’s winkie: Priceless!

Moral of the story: Pay attention in biology class. Lizards lay eggs!
 
A Hell of a Day
I was sitting there at the bar staring at my drink when a
large, trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs
my drink and gulps it down in one swig.

"Well, whatcha' gonna do about it?" He says menacingly, as I burst into tears.

"This is the worst day of my life," I say. "I'm a complete failure.”
I was late to a meeting, and my boss fired me. When I went to the
parking lot, I found my car had been stolen, and I don't have any
insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife
with another man... and then my dog bit me. So I came to this bar
to work up the courage to put an end to it all.

"I buy a drink, I drop a cyanide capsule in, and I sit here watching
the poison dissolve..............… and then you show up and drink the
whole damn thing!
But, enough about me, how are you doing?
 
The light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing
and stopped at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red
light by accelerating through the intersection. The tailgating woman
behind him was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration,
as she missed her chance to get through the intersection. As she was
still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into
the face of a very serious police officer.

The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up. He took
her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted,
photographed and placed in a holding cell.

After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened
the door.

She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer
was waiting with her personal effects. He said, "I'm very sorry for
this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were
blowing your horn, giving the guy in front of you the finger and
cursing at him.

I noticed the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Choose Life'
license plate holder, the 'Follow Me to Sunday-School' bumper sticker,
and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk, so naturally
I assumed you had stolen the car."
 
WELCOME to 2017
*
� Our Phones - Wireless
� Cooking - Fireless
� Cars - Keyless
� Food - Fatless
� Tires -Tubeless
� Youth -* Jobless
� Leaders - Shameless
� Relationships - Meaningless
� Attitudes - Careless
� Babies - Fatherless
� Feelings -* Heartless
� Education - Valueless
� Children – Mannerless
*
We are-SPEECHLESS,
Government-is CLUELESS,
And our Politicians-are WORTHLESS!
I'm* scared - Sh!tless!
 
An elderly couple was at home watching TV.
Phil had the remote and was switching back and forth between a fishing channel and the porn channel.
Sally became more and more annoyed and finally said, "For God's sake, Phil ... leave it on the porn channel. You know how to fish!"
 
My wife even liked that one. Should I be offended?
 
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