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Old 01-10-2015, 12:35 PM   #621
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The eight Saddam 'body doubles' are gathered in one of the bunkers in downtown Baghdad. Tariq Aziz, the deputy prime minister, comes in and says, "I have some good news and some bad news." They ask for the good news first. Aziz says, 'The good news is that Saddam is still alive, so you all still have jobs." "And the bad news?" they ask. Aziz replies, "He's lost an arm."

........................................

here was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer. When asked to define "great" he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level. Stuff that will make them scream, cry, and howl in pain and anger!" He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.

..........................................

Philosophy Exam An eccentric philosophy professor gave a one question final exam after a semester dealing with a broad array of topics. The class was already seated and ready to go when the professor picked up his chair, plopped it on his desk and wrote on the board: "Using everything we have learned this semester, prove that this chair does not exist." Fingers flew, erasers erased, notebooks were filled in furious fashion. Some students wrote over 30 pages in one hour attempting to refute the existence of the chair. One member of the class however, was up and finished in less than a minute. Weeks later when the grades were posted, the rest of the group wondered how he could have gotten an "A" when he had barely written anything at all. His answer consisted of two words: "What chair?"

.........................................

Power Of Words Lawyer: "Now that you have been acquitted, will you tell me honestly? Did you steal the car?" Client: "After hearing your amazing argument in court this morning, Iím beginning to think I didnít."
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Old 01-11-2015, 07:27 AM   #622
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"We have to go back, I've forgotten to bring my tablets."


"For ****'s sake Moses."
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Old 01-11-2015, 12:10 PM   #623
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Johnny and Mary were 5 year old neighbors. One day while they were out playing in the yard, Johnny said to Mary "Mary, look what my dad got for me, a new catcher's mitt". Mary ran into her house and returned in a few minutes; "Johnny, look what my mom got me, a new doll".

The next day as they played together, Johnny said "look Mary, my mom got me a new baseball bat". Mary shrugged, ran into her house and returned with a pair of roller skates. "Look Johnny what my dad gave me".

By this time, Johnny was feeling a bit overwhelmed. So, in a desperate show of one-ups-man-ship, he dropped his pants down, pointed, and said "Mary, look what I've got!".

Mary, unperturbed, turned and ran to her house. She was inside for some time. Then, she came bursting out, the the screen door slamming, ran up to Johnny, dropped her pretty pink dress and underwear, and pointed down. "Johnny, I just talked to my mommy and she said to tell you that I don't have one of those, but I do have one of these (pointing), and with one of these, I can get all of those I want!".
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Old 01-11-2015, 01:43 PM   #624
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Johnny and Mary were 5 year old neighbors. One day while they were out playing in the yard, Johnny said to Mary "Mary, look what my dad got for me, a new catcher's mitt". Mary ran into her house and returned in a few minutes; "Johnny, look what my mom got me, a new doll".

The next day as they played together, Johnny said "look Mary, my mom got me a new baseball bat". Mary shrugged, ran into her house and returned with a pair of roller skates. "Look Johnny what my dad gave me".

By this time, Johnny was feeling a bit overwhelmed. So, in a desperate show of one-ups-man-ship, he dropped his pants down, pointed, and said "Mary, look what I've got!".

Mary, unperturbed, turned and ran to her house. She was inside for some time. Then, she came bursting out, the the screen door slamming, ran up to Johnny, dropped her pretty pink dress and underwear, and pointed down. "Johnny, I just talked to my mommy and she said to tell you that I don't have one of those, but I do have one of these (pointing), and with one of these, I can get all of those I want!".
And Johnny says... Heck Mary, that ain't so much. My older brother comes home with a different one of yours jus bout every week... cause he's got one like mine!
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Old 01-11-2015, 02:12 PM   #625
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Here's one I liked
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Old 01-11-2015, 02:14 PM   #626
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How about this one?
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Old 01-15-2015, 10:24 AM   #627
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Old 01-15-2015, 10:29 AM   #628
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This is great, an era when the English really had class





These glorious insults are from an era before the English language became boiled down to 4-letter words.





A member of Parliament to Disraeli: "Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease."



"That depends, Sir," said Disraeli, "whether I embrace your policies or your mistress."

"He had delusions of adequacy."



- Walter Kerr






"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire."



- Winston Churchill






I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure." - Clarence Darrow.






"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial." -Irvin S. Cobb.

"He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others."-Samuel Johnson.

"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up." - Paul Keating.

"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily."



- Charles, Count Talleyrand.






"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him." - Forrest Tucker.






"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?"



- Mark Twain.

"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork.." - Mae West.

"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go."



- Oscar Wilde.

"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... for support rather



than illumination." - Andrew Lang (1844-1912).






"He has Van Gogh's ear for music."



- Billy Wilder.



"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it." - Groucho






"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here."



-Stephen Bishop.

"He is a self-made man and worships his creator." - John Bright.







"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend, if you have one."


- George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill.



"Cannot possibly attend first night,



will attend second ... if there is one."



- Winston Churchill, in response.







"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it."


-Mark Twain.






"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.." - Oscar Wilde.






"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary."




- William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway).

"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it."



- Moses Hadas.































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Old 01-15-2015, 08:02 PM   #629
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Old 01-15-2015, 08:16 PM   #630
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Old 01-16-2015, 07:42 AM   #631
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Kinda makes me wonder sometimes....
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Old 01-16-2015, 10:23 AM   #632
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You can tell the sex of an ant by dropping it into a jug of water.

If it sinks: girl ant.

If it floats: boy ant.
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Old 01-16-2015, 10:27 AM   #633
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Anyone else getting the black X box and straight line or lines as shown above? I've gotten this in several recent posts from different members.
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Old 01-16-2015, 10:58 AM   #634
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Anyone else getting the black X box and straight line or lines as shown above? I've gotten this in several recent posts from different members.
Yes, Internet Explorer 11 and Firefox 35 on Windows 8.1 64-bit.
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Old 01-16-2015, 11:01 AM   #635
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Yes, Internet Explorer 11 and Firefox 35 on Windows 8.1 64-bit.
I'm getting the same thing on Chrome and Windows 7 and on Android. And Explorer and Windows 8.1 and Chrome and Windows 8.1. So not platform dependent.
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Old 01-16-2015, 11:19 AM   #636
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Ditto iphone 5.


1983 Present 42 Sundeck
Twin Lehman 135's
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*Present 42 twin 135 Lehmans
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Old 01-16-2015, 11:23 AM   #637
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Ditto iphone 5.


1983 Present 42 Sundeck
Twin Lehman 135's
✌️
I've only seen it in this thread though. Maybe the system's idea of humor.
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Old 01-16-2015, 12:06 PM   #638
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Yes - It may be only this thread... must keep my eyes open. I'm running Window's 7
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Old 01-16-2015, 10:05 PM   #639
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I've only seen it in this thread though. Maybe the system's idea of humor.

I scrolled back to the top of the thread- and the "problem" started with Dimer2. Fess up D2! What have you done❓❓😎


1983 Present 42 Sundeck
Twin Lehman 135's
✌️
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Old 01-16-2015, 10:53 PM   #640
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I have Tech Support looking into it but none of the affected posts seemed to have used the "manage attachments" function to load the images.
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