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Old 01-06-2016, 10:40 PM   #941
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Best 2 balls I hit on the golf course yesterday was when I stood on the sand rake.
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Old 01-08-2016, 10:58 PM   #942
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Old 01-08-2016, 11:07 PM   #943
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Old 01-09-2016, 08:46 AM   #944
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Thanks Craig!
Once i saw it i couldn't figure out how to fix it.
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Old 01-09-2016, 09:17 AM   #945
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Thanks Craig!
Once i saw it i couldn't figure out how to fix it.
You don't know Jack.
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Old 01-09-2016, 10:37 PM   #946
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You don't know Jack.
Well played Menzies, well played

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Old 01-09-2016, 11:10 PM   #947
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All drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name.

Example, the trade name is Tylenol and its generic name is
Acetaminophen..

Aleve is also called Naproxen.

Amoxil is also called Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra.

After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it
recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of
Mycoxafloppin.

Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix,
and of course, Ibepokin.

Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in
liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage
suitable for use as a mixer.

It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one.

Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new
meaning to the names of 'cocktails', 'highballs' and just a good
old-fashioned 'stiff drink'.

Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.

Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast
implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research.

This means that by 2020, there should be a large elderly population
with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of
what to do with them.
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Old 01-09-2016, 11:16 PM   #948
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When I was in school I was told.....


Pussy was a cat
Sex meant gender
B!itch was a female dog
Dick was a name
Bang was a sound
Rubber was what you wore to keep your shoes dry
Ass was an animal
Screw was just a tool
Head meant a part of the body
Balls meant a round toy
Nuts grew on trees
69 was just a number.


Then I came across all you jerkoffs and my education was ruined.


Thanks Guys!
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Old 01-12-2016, 08:32 AM   #949
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Early morning, Monday 1/11/2016:

Home Depot parking lot boat sale... All loaded accessories included!

Trailer registration 1999
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Old 01-15-2016, 05:58 AM   #950
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Dave Barry's colonoscopy journal:
¬
I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy.¬
¬
A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis .¬
¬
Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner.¬
¬
I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, quote, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!'
¬
I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven.¬
¬
I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America's enemies.
¬
I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous.¬
¬
Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my¬ preparation.¬
¬
In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically¬ water, only with less flavor.
¬
Then, in the evening , I took the MoviPrep.¬ You mix two packets of powder together in a one-liter¬ plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water.¬ (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32 gallons). Then you have to drink the whole jug.¬ This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.
¬
The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose, watery bowel movement may result'.¬
¬
This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.
¬
MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative.¬ I don't want to be too graphic, here, but:¬ have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch?¬ This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle.¬ There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt.
¬
You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently.¬ You eliminate everything, and basically end up peeing out your rear.
¬
And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.
¬
After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep.¬
¬
The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic.¬ I was very nervous.¬ Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage.¬ I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?'¬ How do you apologize to a friend for something like that?¬ Flowers would not be enough.
¬
At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said.¬ Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts; the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked.
¬
Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand.¬ Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down.¬ Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep.¬
¬
At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode.¬ You would have no choice but to burn your house.
¬
When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist.¬ I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere.¬ I was seriously nervous at this point.
¬
Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand.
¬
There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was 'Dancing Queen' by ABBA.¬ I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' had to be the least appropriate.
¬
'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me.
¬
'Ha ha,' I said.¬ And then it was time; the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade.¬ If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.
¬
I have no idea!¬ Really!¬ I slept through it!¬ One moment, ABBA was yelling, 'Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,' and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood.
¬
Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt.¬ I felt excellent.¬ I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that It was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors.¬ I have never been prouder of an internal organ.
¬
ABOUT THE WRITER
¬
Dave Barry is a Pulitzer Prize-winning humor columnist for the Miami Herald.
¬
On the subject of Colonoscopies...
¬
Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite humorous..... A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:
¬
1. 'Take it easy, Doc.¬ You're boldly going where no man has gone before!'
¬
2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'
¬
3. 'Can you hear me NOW?'
¬
4. 'Are we there yet?¬ Are we there yet?¬ Are we there yet?'
¬
5. 'You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married.'
¬
6. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?'
‚€®7. 'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out...'
¬
8. 'Hey!¬ Now I know how a Muppet feels!'
¬
9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!'
¬
10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.'
¬
11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?'
¬
12. 'God, now I know why I am not gay.'
¬
¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ And the best one of all.
¬
13. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?'
=




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Old 01-16-2016, 06:37 PM   #951
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Old 01-17-2016, 07:25 PM   #952
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Two nuns are riding their bicycles down the back streets of Rome.
One nun leans over to the other and says "I've never come this way before."
The other nun whispers "Its the cobblestones."
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Old 01-17-2016, 08:39 PM   #953
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Art View Post
Early morning, Monday 1/11/2016:

Home Depot parking lot boat sale... All loaded accessories included!

Trailer registration 1999
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Old 01-21-2016, 05:45 AM   #954
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¬
Ole, the smoothest-talking Norwegian in the Minnesota National Guard, got called up to active duty. Ole's first assignment was in a military induction center.¬

Because he was a good talker, they assigned him the duty of advising new recruits about government benefits, especially the GI life insurance, to which they were entitled.¬

The officer in charge soon noticed that Ole was getting a 99% sign-up rate for the more expensive supplemental form of GI insurance. This was remarkable, because it cost these low-income recruits $30 per month for the higher coverage, compared to what the government was already providing at no charge.¬

The officer decided he'd sit in the back of the room at the next briefing and observe Ole's sales pitch.¬

Ole stood up before the latest group of inductees and said, "If you haf da normal GI insurans an' yoo go to Afghanistan an' get yourself killed, da governmen' pays yer beneficiary $20,000. If yoo take out da supplemental insurans, vich cost you only t'irty dollars a mont , den da governmen' got ta pay yer beneficiary $200,000!"¬

"Now," Ole concluded, "Vich bunch you tink dey gonna send ta Afghanistan first?"





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Old 01-21-2016, 12:47 PM   #955
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…... An old time golfer comes in from a round of golf at a new course and heads into the grill.

As he passes through the swinging doors he sees a sign hanging over the bar:
Cold Beer: $2.00
Hamburger: $2.25
Cheeseburger: $2.50
Chicken Sandwich : $3.50
Hand Job: $50.00

Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary payment, the old golfer walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender who is serving drinks to a couple of sun-wrinkled golfers.

She glides down behind the bar to the old golfer. "Yes?" she inquires with a wide, knowing smile, "May I help you?"

The old golfer leans over the bar and whispers:

"I was wondering, young lady, are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?"

She looks into his eyes with that wide smile and purrs: "Yes Sir, I sure am."

The old golfer leans closer and into her left ear says softly:

"Well, wash your hands real f*cking good because I want a cheeseburger!"
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Old 01-28-2016, 07:58 AM   #956
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¬


Knowledge is Power









¬
'A SHOT OF WHISKEY'¬ - In the old west a .45 cartridge for a six-gun cost 12 cents, so did a glass of whiskey. If a cowhand was low on cash he would often give the bartender a cartridge in exchange for a drink. This became known as a "shot" of whiskey.¬ ¬
¬
¬
BUYING THE FARM -¬ This is synonymous with dying. During WW1 soldiers were given life insurance policies worth $5,000. This was about the price of an average farm so if you died you "bought the farm" for your survivors.¬
¬
IRON CLAD CONTRACT -¬ This came about from the ironclad ships of the Civil War. It meant something so strong it could not be broken.
¬
RIFF RAFF -¬ The Mississippi River was the main way of traveling from north to south. Riverboats carried passengers and freight but they were expensive so most people used rafts. Everything had the right of way over rafts which were considered cheap. The steering oar on the rafts was called a "riff" and this transposed into riff-raff, meaning low class.¬
¬
COBWEB -¬ The Old English word for ‚€œspider" was "cob".¬
¬
SHIP STATE ROOMS -¬ Traveling by steamboat was considered the height of comfort. Passenger cabins on the boats were not numbered. Instead they were named after states. To this day cabins on ships are called staterooms.¬ ¬
¬
SLEEP TIGHT-¬ Early beds were made with a wooden frame. Ropes were tied across the frame in a criss-cross pattern. A straw mattress was then put on top of the ropes. Over time the ropes stretched, causing the bed to sag. The owner would then tighten the ropes to get a better night‚€™s sleep.¬
¬
SHOWBOAT -¬ These were floating theaters built on a barge that was pushed by a steamboat. These played small town along the Mississippi River . Unlike the boat shown in the movie "Showboat" these did not have an engine. They were gaudy and attention grabbing which is why we say someone who is being the life of the party is ‚€œshowboating".¬
¬
OVER A BARREL -¬ In the days before CPR a drowning victim would be placed face down over a barrel and the barrel would be rolled back and forth in an effort to empty the lungs of water. It was rarely effective. If you are over a barrel you are in deep trouble.¬
¬
BARGE IN -¬ Heavy freight was moved along the Mississippi in large barges pushed by steamboats. These were hard to control and would sometimes swing into piers or other boats. People would say they "barged in".
¬
HOGWASH -¬ Steamboats carried both people and animals. Since pigs smelled so bad they would be washed before being put on board. The mud and other filth that was washed off was considered useless ‚€œhog wash".
¬
CURFEW -¬ The word "curfew" comes from the French phrase "couvre-feu", which means "cover the fire". It was used to describe the time of blowing out all lamps and candles. It was later adopted into Middle English as ‚€œcurfeu" which later became the modern "curfew". In the early American colonies homes had no real fireplaces so a fire was built in the center of the room. In order to make sure a fire did not get out of control during the night it was required that, by an agreed upon time, all fires would be covered with a clay pot called-a ‚€œcurfew".
¬
BARRELS OF OIL -¬ When the first oil wells were drilled they had made no provision for storing the liquid so they used water barrels. That is why, to this day, we speak of barrels of oil rather than gallons.¬ ¬
¬
HOT OFF THE PRESS¬ - As the paper goes through the rotary printing press friction causes it to heat up.¬ Therefore, if you grab the paper right off the press it‚€™s hot. The expression means to get immediate information.
There, don't you feel smarter now?¬ ¬ ¬ Betcha Didn‚€™t Know That ¬ ¬
The liquid inside young coconuts can be used¬ as a substitute for Blood plasma.¬
No piece of paper can be folded in half more than seven (7) times.
¬
¬
Oh go ahead¬ 'll wait...
Donkeys kill more people annually than plane crashes or shark attacks.¬
¬

¬ ¬ You burn more calories sleeping than you do watching television.
¬
¬
Oak trees do not produce acorns until they are fifty (50) years of age, or older.
¬
The first product to have a bar code¬ was Wrigley's gum.¬ The King of Hearts is the only king WITHOUT A MOUSTACHE¬ ¬
¬
American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating one (1) olive
from each salad served in first-class.



Venus is the only planet that rotates clockwise.¬
¬
(Since Venus is normally associated with women, what does this tell you?)¬
¬
(That women are going in the 'right' direction...?)*..
¬
Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning.¬
¬
Most dust particles in your house are made from DEAD SKIN!¬ ¬
¬
The first owner of the Marlboro Company died of lung cancer.
So did the first 'Marlboro Man'.¬

¬
Walt Disney was afraid OF MICE!¬
¬
PEARLS DISSOLVE IN VINEGAR!¬
¬
The ten most valuable brand names on earth:¬ ¬ Apple, Coca Cola, Google, IBM, Microsoft, GE, McDonalds, Samsung, Intel, and Toyota,¬ ¬
in that order.¬

¬
It is possible to lead a cow upstairs...But, not downstairs.
¬
(Why would you want to take a cow upstairs?¬
¬
Sounds perverted to me.)¬
¬
A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why.¬
¬
Dentists have recommended that a toothbrush be kept at least¬ six (6) feet away from a toilet to avoid airborne particles resulting from the flush.¬
¬
(I keep my toothbrush in the living room now!)¬
¬
¬ Turtles can breathe through their butts.¬
¬
(I know some people like that, don't YOU?)¬
¬
Remember, knowledge is everything, so pass it on......
¬
Now go move your toothbrush!¬
¬
And stop folding that¬ paper!












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Old 01-28-2016, 08:34 AM   #957
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Good stuff Fred - Wifie will be read these this eve!
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Old 01-28-2016, 10:49 AM   #958
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Art
Early morning, Monday 1/11/2016:

Home Depot parking lot boat sale... All loaded accessories included!

Trailer registration 1999



Quote:
Originally Posted by markpierce View Post
Ya know, Mark - Way you are smiling... I just gotta ask... you know who dropped that beauty of trailer and boat off??? That your B-Day present! LOL
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Old 01-28-2016, 04:22 PM   #959
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A middle-aged frumpy couple return to a Mercedes dealership where the salesman has just sold the car they were interested in to a beautiful, leggy, busty blonde.

"I thought you said you would hold that car till we raised the $75,000 asking price," said the man. "Yet I just heard you close the deal for $65, 000 to the lovely young lady there. You insisted there could be no discount on this model."

"Well, what can I tell you? She had the ready cash and, just look at her, how could I resist?" replied the grinning salesman.

Just then the young woman approached the middle-aged couple and gave them the keys.

"There you go," she said. "I told you I would get the dope to reduce it. See you later, dad.Ē

Never mess with the old ones!
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Old 02-01-2016, 12:11 AM   #960
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