Getting your spouse onboard

[cfr]

A good anchor and long stainles steel was required.....washer yes but no space for dryer, hot water from kabola....all this only because now we are in cooler areas, in greece not much required.....regular land sightseeing and some shopping.....

 

[Bacchus]

@Mac2... "Creating a safe, no stress environment is the hard part, and a lot of that is out of our control-mother nature."

Maybe interpretation but while you can't control things like mother nature, Wx, etc you have complete control of how you respond to those factors. Key is having a plan but not being constrained by a schedule. Wait out bad or even questionable Wx days, look at and consider several / all available Wx fast models and consider any one of those are possible outcomes. Don't pick the best outcome that fits your plan consider the worst model as a real possibility and adjust plans.
Are you willing to adjust daily plans / objectives if mate / crew express having had enough of the days cruise and ready to stop?
Do you outwardly show consideration / concern for safety and communicate same to mate / crew.

 

[Mac2]

@Mac2... "Creating a safe, no stress environment is the hard part, and a lot of that is out of our control-mother nature."

Maybe interpretation but while you can't control things like mother nature, Wx, etc you have complete control of how you respond to those factors. Key is having a plan but not being constrained by a schedule. Wait out bad or even questionable Wx days, look at and consider several / all available Wx fast models and consider any one of those are possible outcomes. Don't pick the best outcome that fits your plan consider the worst model as a real possibility and adjust plans.
Are you willing to adjust daily plans / objectives if mate / crew express having had enough of the days cruise and ready to stop?
Do you outwardly show consideration / concern for safety and communicate same to mate / crew.

The majority of my stressful situations have been at anchor in the middle of the night when the wind picks up. The snubber is making a racket and no matter how calm I pretend to be, my wife reads my anxiety. Especially when Im going outside to check the anchor. It helped when I could monitor the snail trail from a screen next to the bed.

 

[SteveK]

@Mac2 get an anchor watch app on your phone to see the squiggly lines but most import, it has a siren to wake you up if you leave the geo fence you create. I use the one with an anchor inside a blue circle. IT WORKS really well if you go off with the dingy and the phone is in your pocket too.

 

[Wtrguy]

Once you scare her, she will doubt your judgment and your cruising with her will be over.

Through some grace of God my wife believes I'm the best boat operator ever! (shhhhh) This from years of sailing without damage and little drama. Now since she believes that, I'm certainly not going to intentionally do something silly to destroy that faith, no matter how misplaced it is. I've crewed with some excellent captains over the years so I know that faith is thoroughly underserved, but in an emergency situation, having your crew believe is critical, so I don't tell her she's wrong!

The snubber is making a racket and no matter how calm I pretend to be, my wife reads my anxiety.

Mine picks up on that faster than my dogs! It's one of the things that I try to mask but it always plows to the forefront.

 

[Tjohn]

What better way to take ownership than when she chooses the boats name.

 

[ssobol]

It was my wife's idea to get a boat. She even suggested which boat to get.

 

[Capt Pappy]

Going through this right now with my wife ahead of a planned/hoped for purchase in the next 2 +/- years. Agree, slanting boat selection to one she likes will be important - slightly larger than I might otherwise do so it doesn't feel so tight; open/airy, big and heavy enough to ensure best possible ride yet not so big she feels we can't handle it. Beyond the boat, the big part for me will be convincing her that in addition to travelling to cool places that we'll be able to meet people and have a social life beyond just she and I on the boat. I told her we'd probably meet more people cruising than we do sitting at home but she's not convinced yet. Plan to do some charters over the next 1-2 years to give her some real world experience before we dive in and buy.

sounds very familiar, if not exactly on point --- 2028 is supposed to be the time we end life on land.....

and so far so good --- only catch on our end is I promised to be the vessel's cook and she speaks of smaller vessels based on variable costs, but requires a walk-around berth

also, emphasize the social aspect. since we aged the out-with-friends and such certainly diminished and I am in this office way too much.

hope it all works out well for y'all

 

[raised kk36]

Wife, never boater. Got her to learn docking, route planning, marina/anchorage selection, yes/no on boat selection, knots and some maintenance (got to leave something to me!), weather read. Pretty much everything to do with boating, what a great life. She's no longer around but I have done some passages she never would have, so that offsets the solo boating.
I always thought it was great coming into a marina and everyone looks-that's a lady driving!
Only yelling was me, at myself, hurry up here comes the dock. Get those lines and fenders ready.

 

[Mac2]

sounds very familiar, if not exactly on point --- 2028 is supposed to be the time we end life on land.....

and so far so good --- only catch on our end is I promised to be the vessel's cook and she speaks of smaller vessels based on variable costs, but requires a walk-around berth

also, emphasize the social aspect. since we aged the out-with-friends and such certainly diminished and I am in this office way too much.

hope it all works out well for y'all

Agree. When my wife saw the master stateroom on our boat, she ordered me to buy the boat. Being ex-military, I immediately followed her order. Best decision ever!

 

[Jklotz]

I noticed my wife was actually looking at a boating video on the computer yesterday. Couldn't believe it!

 

[liquidsands]

Yes, a double entendre. Another chat mentioned solo boaters, which led to a lengthy chat about spouse’s. This got me to wondering if there might be a “cheat sheet” for others to refer to in helping motivate spouses to want to spend more time cruising, rather than feeling obligated to go cruising. For me it was having my wife select the boat she would live on. I had my parameters, steel trawler, price, etc, but she ultimately green lighted the boat. What are some of your ideas to add to the cheat sheet?

I guess I'm lucky. We were going to do a 50th anniversary run up the inside passage to Alaska. Turned into a 52nd anniversary move onto the boat once I upgraded to a boat that fit her "needs". She is partially disabled. We found the perfect 50 foot Gulf Commander. I'm near finished with full electronics upgrade, and putting 5000 watts solar on the roof. First things were first though. New galley appliances per her choices. I got all my goodies too. Leaving in a month or so once totally finished. Taking 2-3 months to go thru Canada. I was a commercial fisherman for decades and made many inside passage runs, but she was always stuck at home with the kids. Her turn now...

 

[Mac2]

I guess I'm lucky. We were going to do a 50th anniversary run up the inside passage to Alaska. Turned into a 52nd anniversary move onto the boat once I upgraded to a boat that fit her "needs". She is partially disabled. We found the perfect 50 foot Gulf Commander. I'm near finished with full electronics upgrade, and putting 5000 watts solar on the roof. First things were first though. New galley appliances per her choices. I got all my goodies too. Leaving in a month or so once totally finished. Taking 2-3 months to go thru Canada. I was a commercial fisherman for decades and made many inside passage runs, but she was always stuck at home with the kids. Her turn now...

That sounds amazing. That’s a lot of solar. What batteries and amperage? Would love to hear how well the panels work in the winter. Sounds like you’re setting it up right for her. It’s nice you get to take your time this trip. My brother was also a fisherman. He always says how he wished he didn’t have to rush the passage. I hope to have him on my boat in the future.

 

[jimfrens]

I don’t think I’ve seen this suggestion… before docking or undocking, come up with a plan of attack and then explain it in detail to her or your crew. Sure, it doesn’t always go exactly to plan but at least everyone on board knows what’s expected.

 

[Comodave]

My wife and I went to high school together and most of our dates were on my parents boat. We bought a boat immediately when I got to my permanent duty station in the Navy, not much of a boat but I wasn’t making much money then either. We traded boats pretty much every other year, I like to get new boats. So we had boated all of our time together. As my son grew up we decided we wanted to join a boating organization. So my son and I took a CG Aux course, it wasn’t great. My wife and I then took a Power Squadron course and ended up walking out since it was horrible. Then we joined the Aux. We ended up spending 30 years with the Aux. We got into the Boat Crew Program. And my wife got qualified as a crew member. I was a Coxswain and a Qualification Examiner. The best part of the Boat Crew Program for us was that she obtained a practical education in boating. We learned how to communicate and then had a common language between us. I find that we argued much less when we could actually communicate. It has served us well in our personal boating life.

So my contribution to this thread is to teach your wife how to be a good crew and the terminology so she understands what you are talking about. Teach her how to cleat, tie knots and stand a proper watch, to name a few things. It should help get her out on the water if she feels more comfortable because she understands what is going on.

We were bringing our last boat home from Virginia and were crossing Lake Ontario in some pretty snotty weather. But if we hadn’t gone then it would have cost us a week. I noticed she looked nervous so I asked her how she was doing. She said she was scared a lot. I explained that it was uncomfortable but not dangerous. We talked it over and then she was able to relax a bit and said she felt better. Communication.

We always discuss any evolution before we start it. That way she knows what I want from her and what to expect from me. She knows what to look for in case I don’t see something. We talk about what we want to happen and what to do if it doesn’t happen the way we plan it. I never yell at her but when the stuff hits the fan I get very direct and stop asking for her to do things. I just tell her what to do. She understands that it isn’t a negative thing about her but rather it is a critical situation and I have cut things down to the essentials. Communication.

 

[Mac2]

My wife and I went to high school together and most of our dates were on my parents boat. We bought a boat immediately when I got to my permanent duty station in the Navy, not much of a boat but I wasn’t making much money then either. We traded boats pretty much every other year, I like to get new boats. So we had boated all of our time together. As my son grew up we decided we wanted to join a boating organization. So my son and I took a CG Aux course, it wasn’t great. My wife and I then took a Power Squadron course and ended up walking out since it was horrible. Then we joined the Aux. We ended up spending 30 years with the Aux. We got into the Boat Crew Program. And my wife got qualified as a crew member. I was a Coxswain and a Qualification Examiner. The best part of the Boat Crew Program for us was that she obtained a practical education in boating. We learned how to communicate and then had a common language between us. I find that we argued much less when we could actually communicate. It has served us well in our personal boating life.

So my contribution to this thread is to teach your wife how to be a good crew and the terminology so she understands what you are talking about. Teach her how to cleat, tie knots and stand a proper watch, to name a few things. It should help get her out on the water if she feels more comfortable because she understands what is going on.

We were bringing our last boat home from Virginia and were crossing Lake Ontario in some pretty snotty weather. But if we hadn’t gone then it would have cost us a week. I noticed she looked nervous so I asked her how she was doing. She said she was scared a lot. I explained that it was uncomfortable but not dangerous. We talked it over and then she was able to relax a bit and said she felt better. Communication.

We always discuss any evolution before we start it. That way she knows what I want from her and what to expect from me. She knows what to look for in case I don’t see something. We talk about what we want to happen and what to do if it doesn’t happen the way we plan it. I never yell at her but when the stuff hits the fan I get very direct and stop asking for her to do things. I just tell her what to do. She understands that it isn’t a negative thing about her but rather it is a critical situation and I have cut things down to the essentials. Communication.

Excellent post. You touched on my most difficult aspect of boating with my wife: when **** hits the fan. I make a point of having good communication with my wife. I ask for her opinion on a regular basis to get her perspective-the “two heads are better than one” thing. This doesn’t work in emergencies. There is no time for a back and forth when Im aborting a failed attempt at docking a 90 ton boat. Once I commit, that’s it. My wife knows that, on these occasions, I am the final word. The priority is no one getting hurt. Still results in hurt feelings for a little while until we talk the situation over and figure out how we’ll do it next time. The debrief after a bad experience with your partner is critical.

 

[Comodave]

I usually say to her “would you do this or that”. When it is hitting the fan I say “do this now”. She knows that I am serious and that she needs to move as fast as possible. She doesn’t take offense because we have discussed this many times over the past 34 years. She also knows that when I ask “ would you do this or that” that I really mean for her to do it but I want to sound polite.

 

[Lepke]

Most of you would woose out,
But if I wanted my wife onboard I would inform her either she come aboard or tomorrow another woman would be onboard.

 

[ranger58sb]

I don’t think I’ve seen this suggestion… before docking or undocking, come up with a plan of attack and then explain it in detail to her or your crew. Sure, it doesn’t always go exactly to plan but at least everyone on board knows what’s expected.

I'd second this.

Although, I'd also suggest adding some stuff about Plans B, C, D... and what to do when all those Plans won't work either.

We recently had some guest "crew" on board, and had to repeat over and over: "What really happens will almost certainly be different from our plan. Prepare to "wing it" accordingly." (Another reason we find headsets useful, at least for me and The Admiral.)

-Chris

 

[Bmarler]

Most of you would woose out,
But if I wanted my wife onboard I would inform her either she come aboard or tomorrow another woman would be onboard.

Ouch!

 

[Bacchus]

I don’t think I’ve seen this suggestion… before docking or undocking, come up with a plan of attack and then explain it in detail to her or your crew. Sure, it doesn’t always go exactly to plan but at least everyone on board knows what’s expected.

Having a plan B at least mentioned helps.
And the final... if it goes to $h*t prepare to abort, retreat/ circle and communicate plans C & D.

Best advice is to acknowledge that if something goes wrong it's the Captains fault... lack of plan, poor communication, lack of training / checking ability & understanding, etc. Above partially in jest but more than 50% true if you think about it. I have told that to good friends / boaters when Capt suggested I do a little training of his wife / mate. Several yrs later they have prepared for and complete a 3-4 yr Great Loop adventure and are a highly effective. & efficient team aboard. He often mentions my philosophy about Capt's "responsibility" that he now fully embraces and his crew reminds him of.

 

[CaptDH]

Both partners should read a book called: It’s Your Boat Too.

 

[Capt Pappy]

Possibly similar to other future cruisers, this is a near nightly subject as we head to bed for the night. Last night I had on one of those AI boat videos - various trawlers over 40’.

Wife was a bit aghast when she head one of the vessels burn about 20 gph at full rpm … “you know how much money that is!”

I think it was the mainship 430, but could be wrong and actually sounded quite reasonable. Told her our 200hp Yamaha likely burns about the same at full throttle

 

[Don L]

When I got the idea to get into boating I did the most obvious thing to get my wife aboard

I asked her what she wanted

 

[Capt Pappy]

When I got the idea to get into boating I did the most obvious thing to get my wife aboard

I asked her what she wanted

Smart call

 

[Mako]

Great thread and definitely relevant to my situation (wife isn't into boats). Bookmarking this to read later. Thanks @Mac2

 

[Nepidae]

First, IF any of my points have already been said, so sorry. I wasn't going to read all of the posts.

Second, "Getting your spouse onboard" is a broad topic and depends on the woman, size of the boat, type of boating anticipated, etc.

Our story is that I don't think my wife ever anticipated us ever buying a boat. 4 Kids, 2 in college, 2 more on their way there, mortgages and no real room for a boat. Also, and a key factor later on, no gkids.

We bought our boat in '10. Our rental, paid for then allowed us to take a mortgage out and buy the boat with the tenants paying the loan. So, to my mate there was no additional monies going out, just less coming in. That was a big move to get her onboard.

I had been searching for our boat and would ask her if she wanted to join in on going to look and was always told, 'no you go I'm sure I'll like what you pick'.

Then 1 day she came to me and suggested we charter a boat. We'd thought of that earlier, but I didn't want to spend any of our 'boat money' but this time saw it might be beneficial. There was at that point in Baltimore, a charter company which had trawlers for charter. We had a circuitous route to trawlers when 1 day my wife asked about a sailboat healing over. I explained to her that sailboats needed to lean over to go. She announced, 'I'm not getting on any boat that leans over to go', which established one of her hesitancies and my look for trawlers.

We chartered a 40' sundeck trawler (Present or President can't remember which) and I convinced the owner that I could handle the boat, so we had a bare boat charter.

We took the boat and first went to Annapolis from Baltimore. Spent the night at a cousins YC and then went to St. Michaels for the day. That night we anchored on the Wye River. We then went back to cousins YC for the night, and the next day returned the boat, in 1 piece.

I waited and about a week later, my wife came to me and said, 'when are we going to look for a boat'.

Well, we started and finally found our boat, in CT and got her for less than our mortgage so I had some fixup money to spend which was good as the boat was a bare boat as far as NAV and most other items.

In '16 we started our Loop and were having a great time, then wham, we started having gkids. Our Loop took us 8yrs, cruising from May or so to Oct/Nov. Leaving the boat for the winter and then going back and continuing on.

We'd hit interesting weather and circumstances during our Loop, washing machine conditions on Lake Michigan, whirlpools on the Mississippi, hurricane winds in a marina in Fl to name a few but it wasn't until the anticipation of the Pamlico & Albemarle Sounds. We were in New Bern, and she wasn't going any further. I was able to get a friend to help me bring the boat thru both sounds with nary a ripple and back into the Chesapeake to finish our Loop. That was '23.

'24 we didn't move the boat and '25 I got her back on board. The difference is the gkids have their own lives and gmom isn't involved as much as she thought she would be.

We'll just be cruising the Chesapeake with the MTOA this season and I'm aiming toward maybe the year after doing the Loop to Ottawa. Time will tell.

Bottom line for me was the gkids and we still have 2 kids that aren't producing yet so I have a gap I'm going to try and take advantage of.

Your circumstances may be different, but I'd suggest striking while the attitude is positive.

 

[sjisailor]

A few things I would suggest are: try it before you buy it by chartering once or more; avoid any heavy weather or tricky docking or tight schedules, and go to fun and not-too-far places at the beginning, i.e. emphasize the *pleasure* aspect; and always tell your partner they are right (that is hard!)

 

[wfleenor]

Try to keep it short. I dreamed of taking my own boat to the Sea of Cortez when I was 8-9 years old and read Steinbeck's Log of the Sea of Cortez. Seemed like a long-shot from a trailer court in southern Indiana. The first 15 years of our marriage we took 2 live-aboard dive trips to the Caribbean or Pacific. She made it clear what she liked or did not like in boats. Ten years later we signed a contract to build a boat that I basically designed around her wish list - and some mine. Boat was built in Oregon and then mostly kept in the Portland area, since the closest thing we had to grandkids were there. Her only available 'boat time' was at the dock when visiting our relatives there. I'd meet my brother at the boat, and we made a number of local trips up and down the river. A few years later I suggested a trip to Canada - we often visited Victoria. I took the boat to Vancouver BC and she flew in, we cruised the San Juans and Victoria, took her back to Vancouver and she flew home, I took the boat back to Portland. Her first and last trip. Eight years later, 'grandkids' all grown up and scattered, I brought the boat down to SF Bay (we live nearby) to refit her and took off to the Sea of Cortez without her. I spent 5 months in the SoC this year (no wife) and expect to do the same next year, year after, etc.

Moral - you can lead a horse to the watering trough she wants but you still can't make her drink.

Thrill of my life was pulling into Santa Rosalia harbor and seeing the Western Flyer (Steinbeck's boat) docked there.

 

[Mac2]

Try to keep it short. I dreamed of taking my own boat to the Sea of Cortez when I was 8-9 years old and read Steinbeck's Log of the Sea of Cortez. Seemed like a long-shot from a trailer court in southern Indiana. The first 15 years of our marriage we took 2 live-aboard dive trips to the Caribbean or Pacific. She made it clear what she liked or did not like in boats. Ten years later we signed a contract to build a boat that I basically designed around her wish list - and some mine. Boat was built in Oregon and then mostly kept in the Portland area, since the closest thing we had to grandkids were there. Her only available 'boat time' was at the dock when visiting our relatives there. I'd meet my brother at the boat, and we made a number of local trips up and down the river. A few years later I suggested a trip to Canada - we often visited Victoria. I took the boat to Vancouver BC and she flew in, we cruised the San Juans and Victoria, took her back to Vancouver and she flew home, I took the boat back to Portland. Her first and last trip. Eight years later, 'grandkids' all grown up and scattered, I brought the boat down to SF Bay (we live nearby) to refit her and took off to the Sea of Cortez without her. I spent 5 months in the SoC this year (no wife) and expect to do the same next year, year after, etc.

Moral - you can lead a horse to the watering trough she wants but you still can't make her drink.

Thrill of my life was pulling into Santa Rosalia harbor and seeing the Western Flyer (Steinbeck's boat) docked there.

The Western Flyer was up the canal from me. Beautiful restoration. I didn’t know the history behind the boat. I will definitely read the book now. Thanks