Getting your spouse onboard

[Mac2]

Yes, a double entendre. Another chat mentioned solo boaters, which led to a lengthy chat about spouse’s. This got me to wondering if there might be a “cheat sheet” for others to refer to in helping motivate spouses to want to spend more time cruising, rather than feeling obligated to go cruising. For me it was having my wife select the boat she would live on. I had my parameters, steel trawler, price, etc, but she ultimately green lighted the boat. What are some of your ideas to add to the cheat sheet?

 

[Nordlund Xpress]

Cheat sheet that worked for us: 1) marrying someone who was really into the ocean, 2) buying a sailboat as our first home, 3) encouraging ocean hobbies, which is why, when we built our current home 8 years ago, our laundry room is a cold water (actively chilled) marine biology lab with multiple tanks, and 4) encouraging her to volunteer in a lab at Scripps Institute of Oceanography, and 5) getting involved with the Nature Conservancy (Santa Cruz Island) and Catalina Island Conservancy. Bottom line, she never turns down time on the boat. Almost forgot, redundant safety, medical and fire related equipment, and hiring a captain to work one on one with her so she feel comfortable skippering and docking the boat (spouses generally make lousy teachers). We are on boat #5 since 1986.

 

[JRZ1]

Going through this right now with my wife ahead of a planned/hoped for purchase in the next 2 +/- years. Agree, slanting boat selection to one she likes will be important - slightly larger than I might otherwise do so it doesn't feel so tight; open/airy, big and heavy enough to ensure best possible ride yet not so big she feels we can't handle it. Beyond the boat, the big part for me will be convincing her that in addition to travelling to cool places that we'll be able to meet people and have a social life beyond just she and I on the boat. I told her we'd probably meet more people cruising than we do sitting at home but she's not convinced yet. Plan to do some charters over the next 1-2 years to give her some real world experience before we dive in and buy.

 

[Mac2]

Cheat sheet that worked for us: 1) marrying someone who was really into the ocean, 2) buying a sailboat as our first home, 3) encouraging ocean hobbies, which is why, when we built our current home 8 years ago, our laundry room is a cold water (actively chilled) marine biology lab with multiple tanks, and 4) encouraging her to volunteer in a lab at Scripps Institute of Oceanography, and 5) getting involved with the Nature Conservancy (Santa Cruz Island) and Catalina Island Conservancy. Bottom line, she never turns down time on the boat. Almost forgot, redundant safety, medical and fire related equipment, and hiring a captain to work one on one with her so she feel comfortable skippering and docking the boat (spouses generally make lousy teachers). We are on boat #5 since 1986.

Interesting connection. I had a 220 gallon reef tank installed in my condo living room-chiller, calcium reactor, auto refill from RO unit, etc. This was years before I met my wife. Being from a second world country, this was a real eye opener for her. Growing corals, understanding fish behavior, bacteria, and how everything functioned is this ocean ecosystem was a great primer for the boating world-something I forgot until your post.

 

[mvweebles]

.....hiring a captain to work one on one with her so she feel comfortable skippering and docking the boat (spouses generally make lousy teachers).

I used to do a lot of training. I've taught dozens of people to drive a boat. I used to tell people "I'm cheaper than a divorce attorney.". But I wouldn't touch teaching my other half.

We sea trialed Weebles yesterday. Man, we're rusty. A dock guy helped cast us off - when we had just cleared the marina, Cheryll comes up to the fly bridge. Annoyed, she says "you've got to communicate better!!!" Even though I wasn't entirely sure what she was talking about, I fell on my sword to say "I know, I was a bit nervous."

Docking by far is the most stressful time of boating. It's when the helmsman really needs their crew engaged and focused. If you're not fairly competent and comfortable, you'll be so focused on what you're doing that you don't have situational awareness to communicate with your crew.

So Rule #1 is it's gotta be fun. And you've gotta be fun to be with. Of course that means no yelling, but passive aggressiveness is also a problem.

#2. Can't be about the boat. You can't take all the good storage for tools and spares.

#3. Really helps if she learns to drive the boat. Start with anchoring. Foredeck work is inherently more physical and a better match for the guy. Put her at the helm. Also, women worry about what she'd do if you drop over for some reason.

#4. Be willing to compromise. For example, seasickness is real and it's not fun. If she's prone to motion sickness, it's game over for the most part - either enjoy it alone or find some other activity you can share.

#5 provisioning and such is hard work and often a PITA, especially for long trips or trips with guests. If most of that work falls on her shoulders, you might be in for a rude awakening. Often the storage is compromised, hauling stuff down the dock sucks, and all the good storage has tools and spares.

#6. Accept the bad days. I don't know why some days have a dark cloud but they do. And it's harder to get through a day like that. Yesterday was one for us and I suspect we have a couple more coming up as we leave for 240 miles of open water to El Salvador. We're rusty and it shows.

So I put a lot of onus on the man to make it work. It's leisure time and it has to be fun and you have to be fun to be with.

Peter

 

[Mac2]

Going through this right now with my wife ahead of a planned/hoped for purchase in the next 2 +/- years. Agree, slanting boat selection to one she likes will be important - slightly larger than I might otherwise do so it doesn't feel so tight; open/airy, big and heavy enough to ensure best possible ride yet not so big she feels we can't handle it. Beyond the boat, the big part for me will be convincing her that in addition to travelling to cool places that we'll be able to meet people and have a social life beyond just she and I on the boat. I told her we'd probably meet more people cruising than we do sitting at home but she's not convinced yet. Plan to do some charters over the next 1-2 years to give her some real world experience before we dive in and buy.

Hands down the boating community is way more social and close knit than “land people”. I say this from the perspective of living on my boat in three different marinas for the past 7 years. Your surrounded by like minded people that you walk by and talk to every day. Often you are forced to have beverages, dinner, on your neighbors boat. If you end up chartering, you might think this socializing is just because people are on vacation-not true. It’s normal.

 

[ksanders]

If your spouse is social, spend the money on slips as opposed to anchoring out.

You meet way more people that way.

 

[Mac2]

If your spouse is social, spend the money on slips as opposed to anchoring out.

You meet way more people that way.

The true beauty of having a boat-versatility. The wife and myself both had careers involving customer service. We prefer the isolation of anchoring. Not all the time, so heading to the dock is a nice change of pace.

 

[SteveK]

Marriage Savers Bluetooth Marine Headsets
Talking in a low/calm voice over these headsets is a game changer for docking or anchoring.

 

[Bacchus]

I have a few standard recommendations I offer depending on individual situations...
When looking for / at boats...
Start with a description of how you intend to use the boat
Develop a list of must haves, wants, don't wants
Do the above separately and then review, compare and compromise to establish one joint list. Don't overrule the mate / Admiral on everything decide where each gets priority and vetos.

When you have the boat and trying to establish a successful team effort...
1st rule is if anything goes wrong - it's the Captains fault. Part in jest but mostly true.
Capt MUST have a plan and communicate it. Have a plan B if things go south and communicat that
Check for understanding
Check for competency... does the mate not only understand the plan(s) and what's expected of them but feel comfortable doing it?
If % when things don't work per your expectations just find a way to get settled w/o drama and later have a non- confrontational discussion of what went wrong and what were the root causes. Then decide how the Capt can fill the voids...better communication, some training / practice, etc
Any questions see rule #1

When out cruising...
Make planning a joint activity... it doesn't have to be 50 / 50 by any means.
Just make sure to get inputs and LISTEN at strategic points, Beginning (what's mate's vision of a great cruise)
Middle (here's a rough outline / framework what inputs / comments / corrections
Along the way - review daily plans each evening ( over wine or cocktails good) how did the day go, next day plans, any adjustments.

I found it beneficial if mate has a job(s)... we both took basic piloting so able to follow charts & current location (important in case of emergency that both know & can communicate location. Both took Marine Wx course and mate always checks daily fast and keeps an eye on the sky. I try to allow her to call a "time out" to at least check current conditions and decide appropriate adjustments to plans, if not a hard veto to alter plans.

Above has made our cruising positive and our joint passion

 

[Portage_Bay]

A lot of good ideas on this thread. This is probably the most important.

It's leisure time and it has to be fun and you have to be fun to be with.

Peter

 

[tiltrider1]

My two items.

First, don’t scare the crap out of her by going out in windy conditions.

Secondly, listen to her concerns instead of telling her, her fears are unfounded.

Doesn’t matter that I brought the boat up from La to Seattle in 30-40 kts with 20’ seas. We don’t go out if the wind is over 10kts or seas are over 2’.

 

[chanprr]

My two items.

First, don’t scare the crap out of her by going out in windy conditions.

Secondly, listen to her concerns instead of telling her, her fears are unfounded.

Doesn’t matter that I brought the boat up from La to Seattle in 30-40 kts with 20’ seas. We don’t go out if the wind is over 10kts or seas are over 2’.

Most of all...don't shout at her in any situation on board.

 

[Portage_Bay]

Most of all...don't shout at her in any situation on board.

Shouting is to be reserved for extreme safety concerns. To be used only if she is in harms way and can't for some reason see or understand the risk. Never ever shout because you effed up and need her to cover your butt to save your dignity. Never ever shout in anger. This applies not only to my spouse, I treated my professional crew the same way. They knew if I raised my voice it was serious and they needed to pay attention or someone was going to get hurt. If you use the headsets there will never be a reason to shout. I talk to her constantly when docking or anchoring. There are no surprises. No shouting. No anger. There have been two times where she felt I put her at risk. I didn't, that doesn't matter. She felt I did. We talked about it. I will never repeat those mistakes. Ever. Is everything always perfect on our boat? Hell no. Do I ever make mistakes? You betcha. Do I ever put it in her pocket? NEVER. If an evolution doesn't go right it's because I screwed up or didn't communicate well. It's on me.

I'll tell two stories, I may have told the first before. My apologies if you've already heard it.

January, blowing 35 kts, hard rain, cold, miserable. We were tied on an end tie waiting for the next passengers. A sail boat approaches from upwind for the next end tie. He starts his turn too soon, too far from the dock. He's about 10 ft off the dock and yells to his wife to JUMP. She's too smart and just stands there. He heads upwind, turns downwind, turns upwind too soon, makes the same approach, same mistake, same shout to jump. He isn't learning a thing from his mistakes. Next time he shouts "Next time I tell you to jump. YOU JUMP GDAM IT!" Final attempt, same mistake, same exact place off the dock. All sorts of foul language comes out of his mouth. She looks at him with a look that could kill. She throws the bow line on the deck. Gives him a look that should have burned him to his soul. She jumps in the water, swims to the dock climbs out and walks off. Good for her, he deserved it. I wonder what it was like in his house when he finally got home?

Last August. He's at the helm (another he). It's flat assed calm, a bit of current off the dock. He misses his approach. "Throw the line!" "Throw it now!" "I said THROW THE LINE". Finally they get in. He's nice as can be to everyone else. This shirt show was a boat with twins and a bow thruster. Easy enough to walk it sideways. Plenty of room to back out and try again. Absolutely no need for stress of any kind.

Don't ever treat you spouse the way these two "gentlemen" did. Ever. For any reason. Boating or in any other aspect of your lives. She's putting up with you and deserves better than to be treated that way.

 

[JRZ1]

Some really good reminders here about not yelling, being calm, inclusive and considerate, etc. Common sense but always a good reminder. You all are better men than me! It's going to take concerted effort on my part but I agree, it's the only way it will work.

 

[rslifkin]

Shouting is to be reserved for extreme safety concerns. To be used only if she is in harms way and can't for some reason see or understand the risk. Never ever shout because you effed up and need her to cover your butt to save your dignity. Never ever shout in anger. This applies not only to my spouse, I treated my professional crew the same way. They knew if I raised my voice it was serious and they needed to pay attention or someone was going to get hurt.

That's my attitude on it as well. Shouting is for immediate safety concerns only.

 

[Bmarler]

I guess I must have hit the jackpot with my spouse. She wants to be out of the marina every chance we have. She really took it to heart when some other boating friends talk about how liveaboards never take their boat out and really helps me keep it ready to move at a moments notice.
She does get a little seasick now and then, but her doctor prescribed scopolamine patches. They totally do the trick. Highly recommend this if your partner suffers from seasickness, it’s a total game changer.
Regarding docking, I told her many years ago that if she couldn’t comfortably step from the boat to the dock with a line she was to stay put and wait for me to do better. Her safety is my job #1.

 

[kthoennes]

Lots of good advice, but the point above about compromising - yep. We have a 20 knot rule. If it's blowing sustained 20 knots, we don't go. She's just far more cautious than me. I'll admit there have been times I've been very disappointed and annoyed that we're not *out there* and we're nailed to the dock instead, but I shut up. 20 knots is not an unmanageable gale, and in South Dakota it often blows 20+, but fine, I'll compromise if it means she's not stressed out.

I've only yelled at her once on the boat at full volume. We got blown sideways into a very tight, small-boat mooring field at Seymours Boatyard (marina) in Northport, NY. I was trying to thread my way back out without wrapping a mooring ball chain around our props and she was fending off mooring balls with a boat hook on the swim step. We try to never have anyone on the swim step when the props are spinning because that's not safe and I can't see way down there from the helm. I called "are you okay?" from the helm and she didn't answer. Silence. I just knew she had fallen off and I was chopping her to pieces in the props. I panicked and yelled as loud as I could "Answer me, are you okay!!?" She was fine, just "concentrating" on the mooring balls. I about had a heart attack.

 

[chanprr]

Portage Bay: Thank you for "Shouting is to be reserved for extreme safety concerns."
Right on!

 

[Wtrguy]

I guess I must have hit the jackpot with my spouse.

Ditto. I guess it's a little hard for me to understand most of the problems that have been mentioned as we don't seem to have those problems. As long as mornings aren't too early everything is happy time. Don't get me wrong, she's fine with early to make a tide or current, just don't get too used to it! After over 40 years together I can honestly say the best times in our lives (or at least mine) have been on the water.

On the sailboat, she didn't like heeling over to extreme angles. Got carried away one day and got a little water inside the cockpit. That's the only time I recall that she's yelled at me; mostly due to stowed gear coming free. I'm not the yelling type of guy unless it's to be heard over other noises. It's just not something anyone enjoys being on the receiving end of. In my experience and as mentioned before, it's all about keeping it fun and as stress free as possible.

One point I agree with is getting buy in. I've been soliciting a lot of input from her on the next new to us boat. Fortunately we're attracted to the same style of boats so that's easy. Her must have list is a washer/dryer...that's it; everything else is negotiable. And I'm totally fine with not going to shore to do laundry every time. She just spent the last hour looking at two pretty similar Selene's and picked the one I would have, so there's that!

 

[Portage_Bay]

I'm fortunate to have a woman who actually enjoys cruising. We got started together late in life. Introduced by a mutual friend when we were both in our 60s. She had considerable cruising experience. I'm a retired pro. If it isn't enjoyable for her she's not going. I'm not going without her. I've had to make some adjustments in how I do things and I'm OK with that.

My definition of a captain's responsibility is the safe and legal conduct of the ship's business. Our ship's business is our enjoyment. It's really that simple.

 

[psneeld]

It SOOOOO depends on the woman. Plus, is this for extended cruising? Or weekend/week/2 week jaunts?

Many things apply and many don't depending on each other. If it does or doesn't bother her on land, it won't on the water most likely.

2 things I found for sure is the partner either wants to be or only can be a passenger, or they are adventurers by nature.

The other is fears....even just claustrophobia keeps them off the boat in some cases.

Another is are they nesters.... can't leave their kids or house plants for more than a couple days.

Sure many things can be mitigated or kept to a minimum, but that depends a LOT on the partner.

It also depends on you. Some captains ashore are totally different people ashore than when on the boat. If you act differently at work than home, you could be one of these and not even realize it.

Many of us and our partners are a bit of all that I mentioned, is so, one can usually make it happen by the right boat, the right cruising style, the right splitting of duties, etc...etc....

 

[Jklotz]

Everybody's different, but one thing I keep coming back to is to get your better half as involved as possible in the process. I know I have a tendency to jump in and just start doing. Male ego I guess. I plan the routes, do the engine room checks, dock the boat, etc, etc, but I had to consciously break that habit and hand some of those tasks over to my wife. It makes her feel more involved in the process and less like a passenger, or worse, a maid. She takes watches at the helm, crawls into spaces I don't fit to help fix things, she can pilot the dingy, tie off the boat, drop the anchor, helps find marinas or dog friendly anchorages. Get her involved so it becomes an "us" thing, not a "me" thing with a passenger.

 

[mvweebles]

@Jklotz mention of male ego reminded me us guys often just approach problems differently - solution mode vs whatever women do.

Reminded me of a video that went viral a couple years ago "it's not about the nail.".

Peter

 

[cfr]

so i am also one of the happy ones because my wife likes to be on the boat, ok we met at the age of 14 on our dinghys..but same as said before i dont push it anymore, stay put until its nice outside, have good food and main equipment like toilet and heater should work.....i was looking since years for the big trawler like a 54 selene nordhavn or steel but after some visits she decided to get the krogenexpress within a weekend because of speed and looks and the smaller size..so i am happy with that. the saved money will easily buy us some ocean shipments if we decide to go. unspoken a ocean crossing frightened her a bit ..... honestly me too. my sailboat could do it easily but we never felt the need to go. fine compromise for me. AND on the krogen we found headsets too and tried for the first mooring, really a gamechanger.....

 

[jleonard]

I am the lucky one also. Wife was the one who wanted to get a “ boat so we can watch the sun set and sleep there”.
She also encouraged us to get a bigger boat, then a bigger boat.
Don’t get me wrong, I loved boating. We did ot for more than 30 years. She was the one who got upset when I wanted to sell.
But me thinks it was the best years of our lives.

 

[Mac2]

Long term cruising is what I was referring to. Im thinking land type comforts would make the transition a hell of a lot easier. Good heat, washer/dryer, comfortable side by side helm seats, etc. That is the easy stuff (figuratively speaking). Creating a safe, no stress environment is the hard part, and a lot of that is out of our control-mother nature. What are the easy things you added to your boat that made the biggest difference? The waser/dryer is easy to say, but extremely difficult for some boats due to space. I would think this would be mandatory for long term cruising. Sure there’s facilities at marinas, but that would be one nail in the coffin for my wife. This might be helpful if you fill in the blank: Im not going unless ______.

 

[SteveK]

Hot water out of the tap, replacing the coil electric stovetop with induction , replacing fridge found favour with the admiral.
Still top of the list is getting rid of holding tank smell.

 

[Ken E.]

Nothing original here, but help your wife through the boating and cruising process. Give her a major say on where you go and anchoring out vs tying up at marinas. Help her with logistics including meals and cleaning. Make docking easy by rehearsing what she will do in advance, including headsets if necessary. If you lose your cool and yell at her, your co-ed boating together will be short. Finally, what has turned off wives more than anything else I've seen is heading out if it's rough or into a bad weather forecast. Error on the side of being conservative. Once you scare her, she will doubt your judgment and your cruising with her will be over.

 

[kthoennes]

It's funny, we almost never turn on the water heater on the boat and just rough it (tank or shore power). The water heater on ours does have a heat exchanger with the engines though, so when we've been running, the water is nice and hot for a long time after. Ahhh, what a difference, human comfort! But she's never insisted on it.