Admiral Happiness

My opinion...

Do not even think about moving aboard full time. I'm serious, do not even consider it.

If your wife is considering a trawler, and if a trawler is something you are interested in, then go boat shopping... with her

Start with getting her into the boating lifestyle. To some that means more dock time than anchor'ing out. Figure out what she likes.

If you both ever get to a point where you want to make the jump to full time liveaboard it will be a natural progression.

BandB said:

Wifey B: D, Bruce's wife, and I would definitely not go for first mate. Captain, if you must give us titles, just the same as our spouses.

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Ain't no Admiral on this rig either .

This may sound like a silly approach but after an adult beverage or three (loosened up) ask your wife what she likes about the idea and what she perceives today to be on the thumb down side. Start out simple with the expectations. If it is a 30 minute shower and she is reluctant to learn docking, departing and generally helping you there is a problem lurking.

when we graduated from sail and started looking at boats my wife avoided boats she thought were "too sailboaty".. That meant many trawlers, especially europa types.

She really liked the wide interior space of an aft cabin with wide side decks and no stairs. That's what we bought and used together for many years. Have her pick out the charter boat from a fleet with many options.

menzies said:

What is the significance of the dinosaurs?

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''

I also don't know the significance of the pirate ship. They weren't part of the commission.

Our house on the dirt is 3BR/2 bath, etc. Miss Micki wants it to be bigger. Hence she only visits the boat.

I have a wonderful Admiral. I even bought her a brass name plate the "Admiral" and it is on one of the doors (her sewing room) in the house. I will even show her this post.

We have an agreement I am the Captain and my job is to get her from the berth/anchorage to another berth/anchorage of her choice for dinner that evening in a restaurant, with little or no waves or high winds. She does the strategic stuff (which restaurant - {must buy her the new Michelin Guide}, which Roman amphitheatre to see etc) and I do the Executive stuff (weather forecast, route planning etc). If I can't meet the requirements of an easy passage then I tell her and we agree a new plan.

Mooring up we have agreed that fenders and ropes are her prerogative (including the colours). So as not to shout at each other we have walkie talkies with ear pieces and VOX. If it doesn't work we scratch the boat - so what, its easily repaired and happiness is worth more than the odd ding. At sea she takes her turn on watch during long crossings, while I have a nap.

We chose the boat together, although we did see a lot of boats on the way to this one. Since then we have thought of getting a new one but can't find one as good as our Trawler sabre line 36, like us its getting on a bit and needs a lot of TLC. If she needs a few days somewhere for repair then we've agreed thats what we'll do.

For us Admiral is not a derogatory term, nor is Captain, its a recognition of each others role when we go boating. And before you ask we go away for two to three months at a time. Last year Sardinia and Corsica this year the Balerics. Before that Brittany in a 25 foot Seaward power boat.

We have our ups and downs, just as we do on dry land, but with understanding the downs are transient and the ups are long lasting.

By the way Happy Valentines day tomorrow (she has chosen and booked the restaurant where we will be going and will pay {with my credit card})

I reckon I am a lucky to be commanded by an Admiral and if you can achieve that sort of relationship with the give and take you may find you'll be doing the same.

Greetings,
Mr. g. You are a smart man!

RT Firefly said:

Greetings,
Mr. g. You are a smart man!

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He could do with a shave though

Greetings,
Mr. AG. You sound like MY Admiral. I strongly suspect the gif looks more like me than Mr. g so consider yourself told something that I would NEVER think of telling my Admiral when she suggests a beard trim...

My girl:

gilbertpark said:

I have a wonderful Admiral. I even bought her a brass name plate the "Admiral" and it is on one of the doors (her sewing room) in the house. I will even show her this post.

We have an agreement I am the Captain and my job is to get her from the berth/anchorage to another berth/anchorage of her choice for dinner that evening in a restaurant, with little or no waves or high winds. She does the strategic stuff (which restaurant - {must buy her the new Michelin Guide}, which Roman amphitheatre to see etc) and I do the Executive stuff (weather forecast, route planning etc). If I can't meet the requirements of an easy passage then I tell her and we agree a new plan.

Mooring up we have agreed that fenders and ropes are her prerogative (including the colours). So as not to shout at each other we have walkie talkies with ear pieces and VOX. If it doesn't work we scratch the boat - so what, its easily repaired and happiness is worth more than the odd ding. At sea she takes her turn on watch during long crossings, while I have a nap.

We chose the boat together, although we did see a lot of boats on the way to this one. Since then we have thought of getting a new one but can't find one as good as our Trawler sabre line 36, like us its getting on a bit and needs a lot of TLC. If she needs a few days somewhere for repair then we've agreed thats what we'll do.

For us Admiral is not a derogatory term, nor is Captain, its a recognition of each others role when we go boating. And before you ask we go away for two to three months at a time. Last year Sardinia and Corsica this year the Balerics. Before that Brittany in a 25 foot Seaward power boat.

We have our ups and downs, just as we do on dry land, but with understanding the downs are transient and the ups are long lasting.

By the way Happy Valentines day tomorrow (she has chosen and booked the restaurant where we will be going and will pay {with my credit card})

I reckon I am a lucky to be commanded by an Admiral and if you can achieve that sort of relationship with the give and take you may find you'll be doing the same.

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Wifey B: See, I'm fine with you using those terms since they really do seem to match what you do. Now there's some overlap, but sometimes an Admiral would fill in for a Captain on watch. Where my problem comes in is where it's a title given automatically and sometimes with a derogatory undertone. (yes, I've seen it given like she bosses but won't do anything). However, in my case and in Bruce's wife's case it would not be appropriate. I'm a captain. Same as hubby. Same level of license. Gone through it all together and in our roles, we're completely interchangeable. I'm equally capable. I also personally know three other female captains and one engineer. Then I know three others who've completed a captain's course but don't have the sea time. So, I salute you and the Admiral that boats with you. I just think the term is used too loosely sometimes.

menzies said:

Here, practice your twin engine maneuvering!

Play Atari Battlezone - IGN

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This is literally my favorite video game ever.

OK - I have to comment

First of all - I am the wife and never referred to as the Admiral.

Some comments: Explain, explain, and explain some more, WHEN she asks. Don't inundate her with details about Racor filters and cooling systems. She doesn't have a lot of experience to relate to - so if she likes to cook, make sure she has a say about the galley. She may not think about why you don't want plates and glasses that can break. Let her learn at her own pace. There are women's boating associations out there--is she interested? Don't push. What would she like to learn to do on the boat? Pilot it? Dock it? (don't start with that) Handle the lines? She will need practice and repetition and time to get her confidence up. Chartering is a good idea - and try your best to have some calm places to go. Don't take her across the Columbia bar as an example. Are there other couples that you could have on the boat where the female half knows something about boats? And most of all DO NOT RAISE YOUR VOICE TO HER. EVER.

Have fun and make it fun for her. Don't start out with two weeks of solid cruising - start out with an afternoon - get up to a day - then maybe a couple of days. And don't raise your voice.

All sounds like great advice.

Welcome.

Always remember if any of the crew doesn't perform as the capt expected...it's the capt fault.
Didn't explain it well enough...
Didn't provide training. ..
Didn't follow up after training to ensure understanding...
Didn't adequately explain plan B that was enacted when plan A didnt work. ..
No obviously no need to raise your voice when you are at fault.
Just figure out next steps to try to dobetter as a team the next time.

aevdg said:

First of all - I am the wife and never referred to as the Admiral.

Some comments: Explain, explain, and explain some more, What would she like to learn to do on the boat? Pilot it? Dock it? (don't start with that) Handle the lines? She will need practice and repetition and time to get her confidence up. Chartering is a good idea - and try your best to have some calm places to go. Don't take her across the Columbia bar as an example. Are there other couples that you could have on the boat where the female half knows something about boats? And most of all DO NOT RAISE YOUR VOICE TO HER. EVER.

Have fun and make it fun for her. Don't start out with two weeks of solid cruising - start out with an afternoon - get up to a day - then maybe a couple of days. And don't raise your voice.

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Wifey B: Excellent post and I'll reiterate, don't assume, ask her what she'd like to do and what she'd like to learn. Answer can be anything from no interest in boating to licensed captain and you handle the lines for her.

Bacchus said:

Always remember if any of the crew doesn't perform as the capt expected...it's the capt fault.
Didn't explain it well enough...
Didn't provide training. ..
Didn't follow up after training to ensure understanding...
Didn't adequately explain plan B that was enacted when plan A didnt work. ..
No obviously no need to raise your voice when you are at fault.
Just figure out next steps to try to dobetter as a team the next time.

Click to expand...

I wish every business would post the same for their managers.

I chose our new-to-us boat - its a Kadey Krogen 42. I LOVE it. He gets to have the engine room, pilot house and foredeck all his way - and I get the rest. I think that the most important thing to understand is to clearly delineate who is in charge of what. He docks the boat and I handle the lines. It is my job to have the lines all organized for docking while he concentrates on getting the boat up to the dock so I can step off with the spring line in my hand. When we are docking, I am the one checking to see how far we are away from the dock, is his approach angle correct. We don't question each other - I am in charge of my stuff and he is in charge of his. He cannot see exactly where the boat is in relation to the dock - and with the KK it is going to be even harder - he needs me to be his eyes. Talk out with her on who is going to do what. Abort it - if it isn't going. She needs to trust you - but you also need to trust her. Let her practice. Talk out the process and what to do when and if.


I know I sound serious but I have been happily boating with my husband for years - because we followed this. We see couples yelling and screaming at each other - and that is a guarantee that there won't be another trip on the water.

Yelling....

The number one way to destroy an interest in boating. I've seen it both with wives and children, and I just cringe. So often the For Sale sign goes up on the boat soon after.

Besides giving instructions/requests in a calm voice, give them during a calm, stress-free time when both of you are relaxed. Go through all procedures well before there is an immediate need to apply them. Also explain the backup procedure. It removes a lot of pressure when all parties know there is a plan B if plan A fails for whatever reason.

aevdg said:

And most of all DO NOT RAISE YOUR VOICE TO HER. EVER.
... And don't raise your voice.

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I've failed during docking. Also not just with admiral.

Bacchus said:

Always remember if any of the crew doesn't perform as the capt expected...it's the capt fault.
Didn't explain it well enough...
Didn't provide training. ..
Didn't follow up after training to ensure understanding...
Didn't adequately explain plan B that was enacted when plan A didnt work. ..
No obviously no need to raise your voice when you are at fault.
Just figure out next steps to try to dobetter as a team the next time.

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...Didn't foresee that the lessons learned yesterday have already been forgotten today.

aevdg said:

I chose our new-to-us boat - its a Kadey Krogen 42. I LOVE it. He gets to have the engine room, pilot house and foredeck all his way - and I get the rest. I think that the most important thing to understand is to clearly delineate who is in charge of what. He docks the boat and I handle the lines. It is my job to have the lines all organized for docking while he concentrates on getting the boat up to the dock so I can step off with the spring line in my hand. When we are docking, I am the one checking to see how far we are away from the dock, is his approach angle correct. We don't question each other - I am in charge of my stuff and he is in charge of his. He cannot see exactly where the boat is in relation to the dock - and with the KK it is going to be even harder - he needs me to be his eyes. Talk out with her on who is going to do what. Abort it - if it isn't going. She needs to trust you - but you also need to trust her. Let her practice. Talk out the process and what to do when and if.


I know I sound serious but I have been happily boating with my husband for years - because we followed this. We see couples yelling and screaming at each other - and that is a guarantee that there won't be another trip on the water.

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If things don't work out for you and the Capt, would you marry me?

FlyWright said:

If things don't work out for you and the Capt, would you marry me?

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Never mind....I forgot one detail...I'm married.

I chose our new-to-us boat - its a Kadey Krogen 42. I LOVE it. He gets to have the engine room, pilot house and foredeck all his way - and I get the rest. I think that the most important thing to understand is to clearly delineate who is in charge of what. He docks the boat and I handle the lines. It is my job to have the lines all organized for docking while he concentrates on getting the boat up to the dock so I can step off with the spring line in my hand. When we are docking, I am the one checking to see how far we are away from the dock, is his approach angle correct. We don't question each other - I am in charge of my stuff and he is in charge of his. He cannot see exactly where the boat is in relation to the dock - and with the KK it is going to be even harder - he needs me to be his eyes. Talk out with her on who is going to do what. Abort it - if it isn't going. She needs to trust you - but you also need to trust her. Let her practice. Talk out the process and what to do when and if.<br />
<br />
<br />
I know I sound serious but I have been happily boating with my husband for years because we followed this. We see couples yelling and screaming at each other - and that is a guarantee th
at there won't be another trip on the water.
Well stated...it works well most if the time when everyone undetstands their role and perfprms well.
Boaring can be fun and rewarding.

aevdg said:

I chose our new-to-us boat - its a Kadey Krogen 42. I LOVE it. He gets to have the engine room, pilot house and foredeck all his way - and I get the rest. I think that the most important thing to understand is to clearly delineate who is in charge of what. He docks the boat and I handle the lines. It is my job to have the lines all organized for docking while he concentrates on getting the boat up to the dock so I can step off with the spring line in my hand. When we are docking, I am the one checking to see how far we are away from the dock, is his approach angle correct. We don't question each other - I am in charge of my stuff and he is in charge of his. He cannot see exactly where the boat is in relation to the dock - and with the KK it is going to be even harder - he needs me to be his eyes. Talk out with her on who is going to do what. Abort it - if it isn't going. She needs to trust you - but you also need to trust her. Let her practice. Talk out the process and what to do when and if.

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The above sounds pretty much how my partner " The Admiral " handles her part of the boat.. We never talk about docking except if it is port or stbd side tie. We have been boating for 35 years together and the only words spoken on docking is " spring on" or stern on depending on how she ties the boat to the dock. There may be the occasional nod but that is about it... unless she has concerns way before getting close to the dock.
I never worry about fenders, lines as there always in place before we get close to the dock.

As I have mentioned before she wears the title of Admiral with pride.. and knows it is has never been spoken with anything but admiration on my part. We are equal partners on the boat and the decisions as to go/no go are made by both of us.

I know I am totally lucky to have a wife that is into boats and I feel a little less at ease when I do a voyage solo.. even with a experienced crew aboard.

HOLLYWOOD

FlyWright said:

Never mind....I forgot one detail...I'm married.

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Well. . I guess that's ok. I am too.

Bacchus said:

I chose our new-to-us boat - its a Kadey Krogen 42. I LOVE it. He gets to have the engine room, pilot house and foredeck all his way - and I get the rest. I think that the most important thing to understand is to clearly delineate who is in charge of what. He docks the boat and I handle the lines. It is my job to have the lines all organized for docking while he concentrates on getting the boat up to the dock so I can step off with the spring line in my hand. When we are docking, I am the one checking to see how far we are away from the dock, is his approach angle correct. We don't question each other - I am in charge of my stuff and he is in charge of his. He cannot see exactly where the boat is in relation to the dock - and with the KK it is going to be even harder - he needs me to be his eyes. Talk out with her on who is going to do what. Abort it - if it isn't going. She needs to trust you - but you also need to trust her. Let her practice. Talk out the process and what to do when and if.<br />
<br />
<br />
I know I sound serious but I have been happily boating with my husband for years because we followed this. We see couples yelling and screaming at each other - and that is a guarantee th
at there won't be another trip on the water.
Well stated...it works well most if the time when everyone undetstands their role and perfprms well.
Boaring can be fun and rewarding.

Click to expand...

ksanders said:

My opinion...

Do not even think about moving aboard full time. I'm serious, do not even consider it.

If your wife is considering a trawler, and if a trawler is something you are interested in, then go boat shopping... with her

Start with getting her into the boating lifestyle. To some that means more dock time than anchor'ing out. Figure out what she likes.

If you both ever get to a point where you want to make the jump to full time liveaboard it will be a natural progression.

Click to expand...

That says it pretty well. Actually living on a boat full time is a big step and most people will never do it. If you can keep your trawler close to home, it's a good weekend getaway just staying on it a couple days docked at the marina.

Take short trips, then longer trips as you both become accustomed to the boat.

Bacchus said:

I chose our new-to-us boat - its a Kadey Krogen 42. I LOVE it. He gets to have the engine room, pilot house and foredeck all his way - and I get the rest. I think that the most important thing to understand is to clearly delineate who is in charge of what. He docks the boat and I handle the lines. It is my job to have the lines all organized for docking while he concentrates on getting the boat up to the dock so I can step off with the spring line in my hand. When we are docking, I am the one checking to see how far we are away from the dock, is his approach angle correct. We don't question each other - I am in charge of my stuff and he is in charge of his. He cannot see exactly where the boat is in relation to the dock - and with the KK it is going to be even harder - he needs me to be his eyes. Talk out with her on who is going to do what. Abort it - if it isn't going. She needs to trust you - but you also need to trust her. Let her practice. Talk out the process and what to do when and if.<br />
<br /><br />
I know I sound serious but I have been happily boating with my husband for years because we followed this. We see couples yelling and screaming at each other - and that is a guarantee th
at there won't be another trip on the water.
Well stated...it works well most if the time when everyone undetstands their role and perfprms well.
Boaring can be fun and rewarding.

Click to expand...

SORRY - don't know what happened - fumble fingers trying to quote from the phone??? Ignore above

Disqualifier: I've never lived aboard a normal sized boat and am divorced

However, I think you're setting your sights WAY TOO HIGH...in multiple areas. Even leaving the wife out of it for a minute...you're going from sail to power, homeowner to liveaboard..that is A LOT of change in your life....very hard to know that's going to work out the way you want.

The bigger issue: Converting your landloving wife to a liveaboard wife. Despite her great intentions and proclamations, she can't know what she's agreeing to...she has no frame of reference to say she'd like the live aboard lifestyle. Imagine if she asked you to go live in a yoga and meditation based commune where everything is grown organially and life is wonderful. As much as you might want to join her you can't say how you'll adapt to that lifestyle. Your asking her to do the same thing.

The trap here is that you give up what you know makes you happy with the goal of something new making you both happy. When she can't adapt the way she wants to, she feels bad, neither of you is happy and now you have a boat that you're not thrilled with because of the compromises you made to keep the wife happy. I really don't think its fair to your wife to take this step all at once.

First...if your wife wasn't in the equation, would you be considering the move to a trawler ? If the answer is no, think long and hard before you do.

If you would, I'd tell the wife that you're getting an "adjustment period" boat. Find a boat that isn't your perfect "forever" boat. Explain to the wife that you're giving yourself X ( at least 2 ) years to really understand the extended overnight experience on a trawler. You'll be taking a half dozen trips of increasing length and you hope she joins you on them. Start spending weekends on the boat at your home marina and she if she's willing to join you.....then increase time aboard but not necessarily the distance from home. Give her the option to go home and take a long shower, cook a big meal that uses 4 pots and 15 square feet of counterspace, Let her adapt at her own pace.

By buying a boat you know will only have for a limited time can buy something that you won't get killed on resale. You will also learn what features you and your wife can, and can't do without. You won't stress as much when you bounce off a piling or two. Plus.....you will give your wife an out after 2 years in case she doesn't want to make the change. You'll both have realistic expectations, and can then buy your "forever" boat.

If you go all in, all at once, you will be putting an enormous amount of pressure on your wife to accept something she doesn't have enough experience with to really understand, and it seems really, really unfair to her.

just my two cents.