Funny VHF Conversations

For whatever reason I was recalling a couple of funny conversations and figured I would share, hopefully others have some to share.

Conversation 1, 1993ish, Tangier Sound, early evening:
Waterman #1 returning to port: "Hey Frank (can't recall the actual name), how are you doing today, it sure is pretty out here"

Waterman #2 leaving port: "Just fine, going for a little sunset cruise, it is beautiful out"

Waterman #1: "Sounds good, sounds good, nice night for a romantic cruise"

Waterman #2: "Yeah it is, sure wish I had my girlfriend with me"

Waterman #1: "I thought you did, who is that I'm seeing in the back of your boat"

Waterman #2: "My wife"

I have no idea if he was serious or not but it sure made me laugh.

Conversation 2, 2001ish, Potomac River, Around Dahlgren, 0300:
Captain: "Mayday Mayday Mayday, this is the Miss Cotton, I have lost propulsion and I am headed for the bridge"

Coast Guard: "This is Coast Guard Sector Baltimore . . . Please describe your vessel, your location, the nature of your distress the number of person aboard and the condition of any injured"

Captain: "This is the Miss Cotton and I need help fast, I got both shoes down and I'm dragging towards the bridge"

Coast Guard: "Please describe your vessel, your location, the nature of your distress the number of person aboard and the condition of any injured"

Captain: "If I don't get some help now we are all going to have some trouble, I repeat I have both shoes down and I'm draggin towards the bridge, I have no power"

Coast Guard: "Captain, are you a commercial vessel? What is the size of your vessel and number of crew"

Captain: "I'm on a 25' Cabin Cruiser, please be advised I am not a recreational vessel, I do live aboard"

The best one I heard was between CG Valdez and a good samaritan vessel responding to a marine assistance request. The responding vessel's name was the "Dirty Bastard". It was a long tow back to Whittier and every 30 minutes you had the status call from CG Valdez to the "Dirty Bastard". Several times you could laughter in the background.

Another one was call from a gillnetter in Port Wells to the Diamond Princess. Gillnetter: "Diamond Princess, you just ran over my net". Diamond Princess: "Roger".

Tom

Here is one for you that happened one morning off of Catalina Island:


Captain: "Coast Guard, Coast Guard my boat is gone."


USCG: "Yes, sir. Where was your boat and what happened."


Captain: "Well last night I was anchored off of White Rock Landing and went ashore for drinks. I got lucky and the next morning my boat was gone."


USCG: "Raucous laughter in the background."


Another one that really happened and was much sadder:


Captain: In an excited tone of voice- "Coast Guard, Coast Guard, I need help."


USCG: In an officious tone of voice- "Sir, when you call the Coast Guard you say. US Coast Guard Group Galveston, US Coast Guard Group Galveston and then the name of your vessel."


Captain: "Well, ok but there is a dead body floating out here."


USCG: Different voice. They obviously turned the call over to someone more senior and less officious. "Yes, sir where are you and what do you see."


There was much more to this conversation as a shrimper was found dead after falling overboard a few days earlier. The funny/sad part was after a retired USCG helicopter swimmer responded to secure the body- the original guy didn't want to get near it and the USCG Auxiliary came out to retrieve the body, about an hour later a county deputy sheriff called and wanted the USCGA to return the body to its original location so he could retrieve it. The USCG politely told him that it was found in a different county and to go @$#* himself.


I have more stories, but that's enough for now.


David

Conversation overheard in the CA Delta a few years ago:
Can anybody out there hear me? My husband is gone and a snake is crawling up the anchor line.

Heat water and throw it that snake

Opps--

To finish the story above:

Heat the water and throw it at that snake

Should I bring the water to a boil?

How close is the snake? (end of transmissions)

I normally listen to the VHF at my home a mile from the Cape May Lewes Ferry on Delaware Bay.


Ferry Capt: Eastbound sailboat entering the west end of the Cape May Canal, Channel 13.
Sailboat - no reply heard
Ferry Capt: Eastbound sailboat entering the west end of the Cape May Canal, Channel 16.
Sailboat - no reply heard
Ferry Capt: Eastbound sailboat, you need to turn left or you're going to run aground!
Sailboat - no reply heard
Ferry Capt: Eastbound sailboat, TURN, eh, too late!!!

Another day:
Boater: Sea Tow, calling Sea Tow
Sea Tow Operator: Vessel calling Sea Tow this is Sea Tow over.
Boater: My engine wont start. I'm about a mile off the ferry jetties.
Sea Tow Operator: Switch to Channel 18 and standby, I'll have one of my Capts come up with you
Sea Tow Capt.: I'm on my way out to you. I'll be there in about 15 minutes. (you can hear his inboard engine running in the background)

Boater: Well, I have a little problem. My buddy tried to start the motor using a rope wrapped around a filet knife handle and he laid his hand open real bad.
Sea Tow Capt.: Captain I need you to go back to channel 16, call the Coast Guard and tell them exactly what you told me. I'll be there in 9 minutes.(you can hear his inboard engine running WOT in the background)
Boater: Coast Guard?
USCG: Vessel calling Coast Guard this is United States Coast Guard Sector Delaware Bay over
Boater: My buddy tried to start the motor using a rope wrapped around a filet knife handle and he laid his hand open real bad.
USCG: Roger (A short pause then the twenty questions start)
Boater: (answers all of the questions over the next 5 minutes)
USCG: (the CG watch stander asks one more question) Is the injured person still conscious?
Boater: Oh yea, he's fishing.

"Vancouver traffic, Vancouver traffic, this the tug Murkwy calling". "Uh, tug Murkwy? Vancouver traffic, can you spell that please?" "Vancouver traffic this is the tug Murkwy, tug Murkwy, you know, like the pwanet!"

78puget-trawler said:

"Vancouver traffic, Vancouver traffic, this the tug Murkwy calling". "Uh, tug Murkwy? Vancouver traffic, can you spell that please?" "Vancouver traffic this is the tug Murkwy, tug Murkwy, you know, like the pwanet!"

Click to expand...

[RantMode]A pet peeve of mine regarding radio usage are names of boats that are not obvious as to how they are pronounced. I see so many "clever and unique" names that I would have no idea how to hail. I also occasionally hear names on the radio that even when hearing them repeated, I couldn't tell you what the name was.[/RantMode]

We were 16 waiting to log on with Marine Rescue for a 20 mile ocean run north. You get sent to another frequency for logon. A sailboat, identifying itself for its MR logon, transmits "This is "Elyssa of Kythera". Another boat, obviously familiar with the skipper of "Elyssa" chimes in: "A lesbian from where?"

I'm with dhays on this one. I heard somebody calling "pan pan, pan pan, pan pan" and when I offered assistance, the moron's boat name was "Sampan."

Almost as dumb as calling your boat "Payday."

ON LI Sound one new boater named the boat" PAYDAY".

No amount of discussion from folks could change his mind.

The practice of naming a boat after an alcoholic drink or drinking related in general seems really odd to me, unless you really enjoy close scrutiny and frequent inspections by local law enforcement and the CG.

I found this 'funny' though in a different way.

Years ago heard a conversation between a tug pushing a barge and a large, 'professionally' crewed yacht. Apparently the yacht had passed the tug in the channel at a high enough speed to wake the tug/barge significantly.

The tug captain called the yacht and lit into him. Spent 3-4 minutes tearing him a new one. And in the process never used a single word you couldn't say to your mother. Mostly he asked the yacht skipper a lot of questions like: You're a professional, aren't you? Did you see what you wake did to me? Isn't there plenty of water around here? So you really didn't need to crowd me at speed in the channel, did you?

I can't do this justice. It was masterful. All you heard from the yacht in reply was: "Yes." "Yes." "Sorry." "Yes sir." "Yes sir."

danderer said:

I found this 'funny' though in a different way.



Years ago heard a conversation between a tug pushing a barge and a large, 'professionally' crewed yacht. Apparently the yacht had passed the tug in the channel at a high enough speed to wake the tug/barge significantly.



The tug captain called the yacht and lit into him. Spent 3-4 minutes tearing him a new one. And in the process never used a single word you couldn't say to your mother. Mostly he asked the yacht skipper a lot of questions like: You're a professional, aren't you? Did you see what you wake did to me? Isn't there plenty of water around here? So you really didn't need to crowd me at speed in the channel, did you?



I can't do this justice. It was masterful. All you heard from the yacht in reply was: "Yes." "Yes." "Sorry." "Yes sir." "Yes sir."

Click to expand...

I need to develop that skill. During the summer I get waked by large fast moving boats all the time. Colvos Passage is a large natural channel in Puget Sound about a mile in width. It is over 300' deep with no obstructions. There is not vessel separation zone in the channel. The effect is a lot of water that we can use. Even with all this room, it is rare that I don't get passed at speed by large yachts within a few boat lengths. When I alter course to give myself more room away from oncoming fast boats, they see this as an invitation to alter their own course towards me.

Unfortunately the few times that I have tried to hail them on 16, they never respond.

I recently saw a fishing boat named Lucky Dan on the AIS and thought nothing of the name, until I heard the Coast Guard hailing him and telling him to prepare for boarding and inspection. Over the radio was heard from an unidentified caller, "today, not so lucky - Dan."

While on the ICW a large sport fisher waked a sailboat - severely. I can imagine stuff all over the floor of the sailboat. Over channel 16 came the call, "well, I guess that's another one we can strike from the nominating list for boater of the year."

dhays said:

I need to develop that skill. During the summer I get waked by large fast moving boats all the time. Colvos Passage is a large natural channel in Puget Sound about a mile in width. It is over 300' deep with no obstructions. There is not vessel separation zone in the channel. The effect is a lot of water that we can use. Even with all this room, it is rare that I don't get passed at speed by large yachts within a few boat lengths. When I alter course to give myself more room away from oncoming fast boats, they see this as an invitation to alter their own course towards me.

Unfortunately the few times that I have tried to hail them on 16, they never respond.

Click to expand...

Off topic for a minute, Colvos Passage flows north regardless of the tide and it is a shorter distance south than going on the east of Vashon. I think the southbound traffic uses the backeddies to maximize their speed that results in unexpected meetings and wakes for northbound traffic.

dhays said:

[RantMode]A pet peeve of mine regarding radio usage are names of boats that are not obvious as to how they are pronounced. I see so many "clever and unique" names that I would have no idea how to hail. I also occasionally hear names on the radio that even when hearing them repeated, I couldn't tell you what the name was.[/RantMode]

Click to expand...

Wifey B: The only thing worse than the naming of boats is the naming of children. I don't get parents trying to be cute and not thinking of the kid having to use that name, spell it a million times, tell people how to pronounce it, be made the target of jokes, or have people laugh every time.

Now as to boats, think of how it will sound, how easy to communicate. And don't get a tattoo or name your boat after a girlfriend or wife.

drb1025 said:

Off topic for a minute, Colvos Passage flows north regardless of the tide and it is a shorter distance south than going on the east of Vashon. I think the southbound traffic uses the backeddies to maximize their speed that results in unexpected meetings and wakes for northbound traffic.

Click to expand...

Very true, but that still leaves a LOT of water available.

Securite transmissions, many, from the MV Sitting Duck announcing he was aground just off the "Miserable Mile" west of Ft Myers, FL.
It was a weekend day with lots of traffic and wise guys joking about his situation and the fitting name of the vessel.

So I guess naming my boat "Mayday" is a bad idea?

hjorgan said:

So I guess naming my boat "Mayday" is a bad idea?

Click to expand...

Seriously? YES!

hjorgan said:

So I guess naming my boat "Mayday" is a bad idea?

Click to expand...

Just like you don't say "hi" if you run into your friend Jack at the airport.