Humor

Constipated? This'll scare the crap out of ya!

Got myself banned from our local mime club. Apparently it was something I said.

Greetings,
From a British site:

Good ol Calvin

Because our galley counters have so much extra space...

Sunday school teacher is teaching a young class. She introduces the topic by stating,
"Today the subject is the Resurrection. Does anybody know about the Resurrection?"
A small hand from the back of the room rises. "Yes" the teacher acknowledges the hand,
"If it last more than four hours you suppose to call a doctor"

Al said:

Sunday school teacher is teaching a young class. She introduces the topic by stating,
"Today the subject is the Resurrection. Does anybody know about the Resurrection?"
A small hand from the back of the room rises. "Yes" the teacher acknowledges the hand,
"If it last more than four hours you suppose to call a doctor"

Click to expand...

My favorite way to have gotten detention in catholic school was to ask "if you can show me where Jesus ever said "Holy Days of Obligation" then I'll go to some random mass. Conveniently the trip to the office did, in fact, get me out mass that morning.

True funny memory of my dad. When I was growing up, Jehovah's witnesses would often show up at our door handing out pamphlets and looking for recruits. My dad was a devout Catholic and used to engage with them if he had the time, I think it was for his own entertainment. I remember one time he channeled George Carlin and asked them, "If God is all-powerful, can he make a rock so big, that he himself can't lift it?" They walked away speechless. lol

A Conundrum:

Sister Mary: God is all forgiving!

Me: Then why does he send you to hell if you die before asking forgiveness.

Result: Dear Sister Mary rushes back to my desk with her flat ruler in hand... well... Those of you who were mixed up in 1950's Catholic religious teaching know what happened next!!

In Effect: Sister Mary taught me early on the TRUE Meaning of BS!!!

co·nun·drum
/kəˈnəndrəm/

noun
a confusing and difficult problem or question.
"one of the most difficult conundrums for the experts"

Similar: vexed question / quandary / dilemma /puzzle / enigma / mystery / poser / facer / stumper

a question asked for amusement, typically one with a pun in its answer; a riddle.

….

yeah about that..

This one needs a little background.

Our national carrier Qantas has received a deluge of complaints regarding getting the airline back in operation after our Covid shutdown. On top of this the CEO has a new pay rise taking him to an annual salary of +$22M

So, on to the joke......

A man is alone in an airport lounge. A beautiful woman walks in and sit down at the table next to him.

He decides because she's wearing a uniform, she's probably an off-duty flight attendant.

So he decides to have a go at picking her up by identifying the airline she flies for, thereby impressing her greatly.

He leans across to her and says the British Airways motto :

'To Fly. To Serve'?

The woman looks at him blankly

He sits back and thinks up another line.

He leans forward again and delivers the Air France motto

'Winning the hearts of the world'?

Again she just stares at him with a slightly puzzled look on her face.

Undeterred, he tries again, this time saying the Malaysian Airlines motto

'Going beyond expectations'?

The woman looks at him sternly and says

'What the f**k do you want?'

'Aha!' he says, "Qantas".

….

Andy G said:

This one needs a little background.

Our national carrier Qantas has received a deluge of complaints regarding getting the airline back in operation after our Covid shutdown. On top of this the CEO has a new pay rise taking him to an annual salary of +$22M

So, on to the joke......

A man is alone in an airport lounge. A beautiful woman walks in and sit down at the table next to him.

He decides because she's wearing a uniform, she's probably an off-duty flight attendant.

So he decides to have a go at picking her up by identifying the airline she flies for, thereby impressing her greatly.

He leans across to her and says the British Airways motto :

'To Fly. To Serve'?

The woman looks at him blankly

He sits back and thinks up another line.

He leans forward again and delivers the Air France motto

'Winning the hearts of the world'?

Again she just stares at him with a slightly puzzled look on her face.

Undeterred, he tries again, this time saying the Malaysian Airlines motto

'Going beyond expectations'?

The woman looks at him sternly and says

'What the f**k do you want?'

'Aha!' he says, "Qantas".

Click to expand...

Qantas must be partners with United

@BruceK, I sorta did something like that once. In order to not look like a fool, I blamed it on Bigfoot

Big Billboard Sign on Highway...

HOTEL "PRETTTY GIRL" Women Owned!!

Ted, a tired salesman, stops in for a quick night's sleep:

At checkout...

Customer, Ted - Good Morning, I'd like to pay my one night bill

Clerk, Jen - That will be $250.00 please

Customer, Ted - $250 is way too much for a few hours sleep in that small room's single bed, I won't pay it

Clerk, Jen - That's our price

Ted - Please get the manager

Manager, Pam arrives - Yes, can I assist

Jen - Ted thinks $250 is too much for the room and does not want to pay

Manager, Pam - But Ted... that's our cost

Ted - That's simply way too much for only a few hours sleep

Pam - Ted... we also have a theater, pool and tennis court you could use; as well as sauna, hot tub and exercise club ready for you to use. We can't help it if you chose not to use those fun features. The price is still $250 whether you take advantage of that fun or not.

Ted - Here's a check for payment

Pam - But Ted, that check is for only $50.00

Ted - I was ready for you to sleep with me. My cost for that is $200.00. I can't help it if you chose not to use that fun feature. The price is still $200 whether you take advantage of that fun or not. Enjoy your day!

….

Therapist to patient: " How long have you believed you are really a goat?"
Patient: " Since I was a little kid"

Three guys on a boat that sunk ended up on an islands edge.

They found a flask and rubbed it... out popped a genie!

The guys were given one wish each.

First guy asks to be able to swim the many miles back to the Mainland marina they had left from. Genie says done! So he jumps in the water and swims away.

Second guy asks for a row boat so he can row miles back to the marina. Genie obliges... so, off he goes rowing.

Third guy says I want to be a woman. Poof... a woman he becomes. She stands up, turns around and sees the bridge in back of her; that the two others were too dumb to look for. Walking toward it she mumbles under her breath... "Ah that's right... the women are smarter!" As Harry Belafonte sang!

A cow was swimming in the ocean as a seagull flew overhead. The seagull calls down: 'Hey cow, what are you doing down there?'
'Swimming to Africa,' the cow says.
Gesturing to the west, the seagull responds, 'But Africa is that way!'
'It doesn’t matter,' the cow replies. 'I won’t make it anyway.'
--------
Actually it`s a reflective comment regarding a Casino, currently under (ahem) "investigation" as to its suitability to hold a license.

Ah ha... the woman is smarter!

10 men and one woman hang on a rope after an earthquake. Fire person at the winch yells... Sorry, but to pull you up I need one of you 11 persons to drop off; and, unfortunately perish. There's silence for a moment. Then... the woman boldly, loudly states: Due to my giving nature I feel that I should be the one to let go so you men can live. Three men instantly applaud. Fire person pulls up the remaining 7 men and the woman.

Greetings,
Hmmm...Seems my posts don't stay up too long BUT as long as someone gets a laugh. I think the post disappears when it is goes away on the original, quoted site. Ah well, it's all good.

RT, Speaking for myself, more than half of all of your posts just have a line and below that "RTF". Not sure what the problem is, but it may just be my browser . . . . although your posts are the only ones that come through like that . . . . .

slowgoesit said:

RT, Speaking for myself, more than half of all of your posts just have a line and below that "RTF". Not sure what the problem is, but it may just be my browser . . . . although your posts are the only ones that come through like that . . . . .

Click to expand...

It's probably your browser. I would guess the percentage is less than 3%. But then I've been here, reading RTF's posts for the better part of 12 years.

Ted