Humor

Well, I think it`s funny, in a wistful sad way,even an ironic, but easy to delete way. Fortunately an offence is distributed evenly.

I liked this one:

What do you call a Greek Parachuter........................Con-descending.

Two men are adrift in a lifeboat for days. While rummaging through the boat’s provisions, one of the men stumbles across an old lamp. When he touches it, a genie comes forth. This particular genie, however, states that she can deliver only one wish, not the standard three. Without giving much thought, one man blurts out, “Make the entire ocean into beer!” The genie claps her hands and the entire sea turns into brew.

The other man looks disgustedly at the one who made the wish and says, “Nice going! Now we’re going to have to pee in the boat.”

…..

So, Putin dies and goes to hell and after a while he is given a day on earth for good behavior. He goes straight to a bar and begins questioning the bartender.

Is Crimea still ours?
Yes.

And The Donbas?
Yes.

And... Kyiv??
Yes, we have all of Ukraine.

Wow, that's great!, he says, and cheerfully downs two shots of vodka.
How much is my tab?
Six Euros.

Ted

O C Diver said:

View attachment 128462

Ted

Click to expand...

Good one Ted! Not to derail the humor or thread, but personally I never understood the guys being thankful or grateful for sex. Maybe it's just me, but in my world the woman also enoys it and wants it as much. Not any statement on myself, just saying I never understood the dynamic where the man is always trying to get sex and the wife does him a favor on a special occasion like it's a burden for her to engage in sex with her husband.

This might cheer up backinblue, it certainly cheered up the car driver under chase by Police,likely ending more happily than the pursuit:
https://www.abc.net.au/news/2022-05...ith-passenger-during-police-pursuit/101052270

backinblue said:

Good one Ted! Not to derail the humor or thread, but personally I never understood the guys being thankful or grateful for sex. Maybe it's just me, but in my world the woman also enoys it and wants it as much. Not any statement on myself, just saying I never understood the dynamic where the man is always trying to get sex and the wife does him a favor on a special occasion like it's a burden for her to engage in sex with her husband.

Click to expand...

Imo, it's a perception. It seems in most marriages, that after some time, one or the other wants it more often. As a result, one becomes more focused on what you're not getting as much of as you want.

I use to tell my scuba students, "Air is like sex, you take it for granted until you aren't getting any. Plan accordingly!"

Ted

BruceK said:

This might cheer up backinblue, it certainly cheered up the car driver under chase by Police,likely ending more happily than the pursuit:
https://www.abc.net.au/news/2022-05...ith-passenger-during-police-pursuit/101052270

Click to expand...

What!! No Video?? LOL

4 year old little boy in the bathtub is being bathed by his mom. He starts playing with his testicles and asks his mom, "Are these my brains"?

Mom responds, "Not yet".

Ted

A simpler time

I remember when this thread was funny!

BruceK said:

Click to expand...

What?

There is no 'what..?' That is fricking brilliant..!

…..

Middle aged wife says to middle aged girl friend:

There's just no passion any longer in our few attempted encounters.

Middle aged girl friend says back... I've taken care of that:

My husband comes home in the eve for dinner and sleep. My foxy boy friend cums for me mid morning.

RT Firefly said:

Click to expand...

RTF, don't you dare start that discussion again!!

Fulfilling their bucket list of to-dos... before the grim reaper places mandatory end-day on either:

Two considerably aged, quite tipsy on vodka gents decided to go to a house of ill repute. Realizing their vision was poor, that both were 3/4 drunk and feeling they'd not know the difference... Madam orders her assistant to inflate two female dolls for placement under the sheets in two separate rooms.

The partying old gents go in, do their thing and then leave the premises.

On the bus, one says to the other: You know... my girl may have been unconscious. She never made a peep while I made love to her.

The other old gent immediately replies:

You were lucky. Mine was a witch for sure. Soon as I bet her neck she let out a huge fart sound gush of air and flew out the window with my teeth attached!

How a man can please a woman!

- Complement her looks
- Say how endearing she is
- Let her know her intelligence is the tops
- Offer to take her on a vacation
- Thank her for all she does for you
- Have plenty of cash showing on the table and invite her to a fine restaurant

How a woman can please a man!!

- Get naked

Father and Son Conversation:

Son: Dad, can you explain what a solar eclipse is?
Dad: No son.

BruceK said:

Click to expand...

Now that's funny

Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother. Last week I had a bad day at the office. Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job. As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the office. It's a wetsuit.

This time of year the water is quite cool. So here's what we do to keep warm: We have a diesel-powered industrial water heater. This $20,000 piece of equipment sucks the water out of the sea. It heats it to a delightful temp. It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose which is taped to the air hose. Now this sounds like a damn good plan, doesn't it? I've used it several times with no complaints.

When I get to the bottom and start working, what I do is take the hose and stuff it down the back of my neck and flood my whole suit with warm water. It's like working in a Jacuzzi. Everything was going well until my ass started to itch. So, of course, I scratched it. This only made things worse. Within a few seconds my itchy ass started to burn. I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done.

In agony I realized what had happened. The hot-water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit. This is even worse than poison ivy under a cast. I had put that hose down my back, but I don't have any hair on my back, so the jellyfish couldn't get stuck to my back. My ass crack was not as fortunate.

When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into my ass. I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communications system. His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he and 5 other divers were laughing hysterically.

Needless to say I aborted the dive. I was instructed to make 3 hellish in-water decompression stops totaling 35 minutes before I could reach the surface for my chamber dry decompression. I got to the surface wearing nothing but my brass helmet. My suit and gear were tied to the bell. When I got on board, the medic, with tears of laughter streaming down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to coat my ass when I got in the chamber. The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't **** for two days because my ******* was swollen shut.

We've since modified the equipment to filter out most sea creatures.

Anyway, the next time you have a bad day at the office, think of me. Think about how much worse your day would be if you were to squash a jellyfish on your ass. I hope you have no bad days at the office. But if you do, I hope this will make it more tolerable.

Original source: forwarded email in August 1999

Wow. I've had some bad days at the office but nothing that can compare to that! Glad you are ok.