Humor

How a Mainer gives directions.
https://youtu.be/sIJBUZm1HoY

HopCar said:

How a Mainer gives directions.
https://youtu.be/sIJBUZm1HoY

Click to expand...

Bert and I were the best!


I had a buddy who, when asked directions by someone from "away" would, in his best Maine accent, give them clear, detailed directions...


...to the town dump.

I`m reminded of the Irish attributed " If I was wanting to go there I wouldn`t be starting from here".

Rust is the poor man's Loctite.

Thanks to Eureka Report and Alan Kohler, this and the above.

BruceK said:

Thanks to Eureka Report and Alan Kohler, this and the above.

Click to expand...

It would be funnier if Michael full name was posted

Soo-Valley said:

It would be funnier if Michael full name was posted

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Why?

BruceK said:

Why?

Click to expand...

It would ring true.

This one always cracks me up...

Billboards:

There is a fishing town on the Chesapeake that is the sort of place where there isn't much to do except drink, do the sorts of things that create good stories to tell while drinking, and then tell the stories.

A local's wife left him and took the dog. He rented the billboard in the center of town and put up the message: "Missing: wife and dog. Reward for the dog."

……

Just a few thoughts...

Don't be worried about your smartphone or TV spying on you. Your vacuum cleaner has been collecting dirt on you for years.

If you can't think of a word, say, I forgot the English word for it. That way people will think you're bilingual instead of an idiot

I'm at a place in my life where errands are starting to count as going out.

I'm getting tired of being part of a major historical event.

I don't always go the extra mile, but when I do, it's because I missed my exit.

My goal for 2021 was to lose 10 pounds. Only have 14 to go.

Ate salad for dinner. Mostly croutons and tomatoes. Really just one big round crouton covered with tomato sauce and cheese. FINE, it was a pizza.... OK, I ate a pizza! Are you happy now?

I just did a week's worth of cardio after walking into a spider web.

I don't mean to brag, but I finished my 14-day diet food supply in 3 hours and 20 minutes.

A recent study has found women who carry a little extra weight live longer than men who mention it.

Kids today don't know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.

Senility has been a smooth transition for me.

Remember back when we were kids and every time it was below freezing outside they closed school? Yeah, me neither.

I may not be that funny or athletic or good looking or smart or talented. I forgot where I was going with this.

I love being 84, I learn something new every day and forget 5 other things.

A thief broke into my house last night. He started searching for money so I got up and searched with him.

I think I'll just put an "Out of Order" sticker on my forehead and call it a day.

Just remember, once you're over the hill, you begin to pick up speed.

Having plans sounds like a good idea until you have to put on clothes and leave the house.

It's weird being the same age as old people.

When I was a kid I wanted to be older . . this is not what I expected.

Life is like a helicopter. I don't know how to operate a helicopter.

It's probably my age that tricks people into thinking I'm an adult.

Marriage Counselor: Your wife says you never buy her flowers. Is that true? Me: To be honest, I never knew she sold flowers.

Never sing in the shower! Singing leads to dancing, dancing leads to slipping, and slipping leads to paramedics seeing you naked. So remember. . . . Don't sing!

I see people about my age mountain climbing; I feel good getting my leg through my underwear without losing my balance.

Coronacoaster: noun; the ups and downs of a pandemic. One day you're loving your bubble, doing work outs, baking banana bread and going for long walks and the next you're crying, drinking gin for breakfast and missing people you don't even like.

I'm at that age where my mind still thinks I'm 29, my humor suggests I'm 12, while my body mostly keeps asking if I'm sure I'm not dead yet.

You don't realize how old you are until you sit on the floor and then try to get back up.

We all get heavier as we get older, because there's a lot more information in our heads. That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

Ted

[FONT=&quot] [FONT=&quot]"JUST HOW BAD IS THE ECONOMY " YOU ASK.  [FONT=&quot][/FONT]
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[FONT=&quot]This bad . . .[/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]
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[FONT=&quot]My neighbor got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.[/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Â [/FONT][FONT=&quot]CEOs are now playing miniature golf.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Â [/FONT][FONT=&quot]Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Â [/FONT][FONT=&quot]I saw a Mormon with only one wife.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Â [/FONT][FONT=&quot]McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Â [/FONT][FONT=&quot]Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Â [/FONT][FONT=&quot]Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]A picture is now only worth 200 words.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]When Bill and Hillary travel together, they now have to share a room.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Â [/FONT][FONT=&quot]The Treasure Island casino in Las Vegas is now managed by Somali pirates.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] [/FONT][FONT=&quot]And, finally . . .[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, the stock market, etc., I called the[/FONT] Suicide Hotline. [FONT=&quot][/FONT]
I got a Call Center in Afghanistan, and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited and asked if I can drive a truck.




































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World is a cat

Is that Tassy or NZ as the furball?

Greetings,
Mr. m. Looks to me NZ is not in the equation....

RT Firefly said:

Greetings,
Mr. m. Looks to me NZ is not in the equation....

Click to expand...

It is just a flea jumping off the cat.

…..

With all this talk of sea level rise, are you guys going to buy a longer anchor rode?

HopCar said:

With all this talk of sea level rise, are you guys going to buy a longer anchor rode?

Click to expand...

I've enough rode. Just gonna get a heavier anchor so it falls faster for no extra wait time to hit bottom!

I have just heard music coming out of my printer.






The HP helpline suggested that the paper was Jamming.......................

Two guys are pushing trollies around the Supermarket when they collide.


The older one says " Very sorry young man - I am looking for my wife. I appear to have lost her.


" What a coincidence, I am looking for my wife too. "


" What does she look like? " asks the older guy.


" She is tall, long blonde hair, big boobs, nice ass and has a lovely face. What does your wife look like? "


" Who cares! " comes the old guy's reply " I'm helping to look for yours...................."

Man comes home from the bank and tells his wife that the bank approved his home equity loan.

Wife asks what he was thinking of buying.

Husband responds that he was planning on filling the trawler fuel tanks this weekend.

Ted

It`s Diarrhea Awareness Day. Runs all week.