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I have everything that I wanted as a teenager, only 60 years later. I don't have to go to school or work. I get an allowance every month. I have my own pad. I don't have a curfew. I have a driver's license and my own car. The people I hang around with are not scared of getting pregnant and I don't have acne. Life is great. I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People get out of the way much faster now.
Gone are the days when girls used to cook like their mothers. Now they drink like their fathers.
I didn't make it to the gym today. That makes five years in a row. I decided to stop calling the bathroom "John" and renamed it the "Jim". I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.
Old age is coming at a really bad time.
When I was a child I thought "nap time" was a punishment. Now it feels like a small vacation.
The biggest lie I tell myself is... " I don't have to write that down, I'll remember it".
I don't have gray hair... I have "wisdom highlights"! I'm just very wise.
If God wanted me to touch my toes, He would've put them on my knees.
Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators. We haven't met yet.
Why do I have to press one for English when you're just going to transfer me to someone I can't understand anyway?
Of course, I talk to myself. Sometimes I need expert advice.
At my age "Getting Lucky" means walking into a room and remembering what I came In there for.
I have more friends I should send this to, but right now I can't remember their names.
Now, I'm wondering... did I send this to you, or did you send it to me?
 
This ad is a divorce lawn sale; great jewelry and silverware - reduced prices!

Make sure you come before noon today.

Wife's plane lands about then.
 
Talk about a unified theory! It explains so many things.
 
I asked the Barman for the WiFi code. He said buy a drink first.


So I did.


He then handed me a slip of paper.


On it was written :-


" WiFi code is 'buyadrinkfirst' All lower case, no spaces.
 
Critical detector

I try to keep this bit of wisdom in mind when working on the boat....
 

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New! Facebook Direct!

A friend has devised a new personalized form of Facebook. No more tiresome posting! He calls it "Face to Face".

He walks down local streets approaching passers by who might look vaguely familiar, telling them what he has been doing earlier that day in minute detail, like shopping, showering, tidying the yard,cooking, and repeating news from relatives and friends they won`t know. To illustrate, he displays photos, of recent meals, gardening activity, washing the car, of the grandchildren living overseas with parents, the cat asleep on the lounge, the dog playing ball, himself standing in front of important buildings and monuments,fascinating stuff they desperately lap up.
After just a few days, thrilled with the success, he already boasts of 4 new followers, 2 police officers, a private detective, and a psychiatrist.
 
Last night was the official end of BST - British Summer Time. The clocks change, giving, this time, an extra hour in bed. Next time, in the Spring, we lose that hour.


A poster on the joke thread on the YBW Forum posted :-


" Bad news for Dyslexics. On the 31st October your Cocks go Black..............."
 
Jarrow Lily said:
Last night was the official end of BST - British Summer Time. The clocks change, giving, this time, an extra hour in bed. Next time, in the Spring, we lose that hour.


A poster on the joke thread on the YBW Forum posted :-


" Bad news for Dyslexics. On the 31st October your Cocks go Black..............."
Click to expand...
At the risk of descending into what a friend calls "smut". Recently Tim Paine, Aussie Cricket Captain(and wicket keeper),suffered a back injury. A Sports journalist, intending to report the radiology finding of "a bulging disc" accidentally identified the condition as "a bulging dick". Contacted for comment about the "bulging dick" reference,Tim Paine dryly observed "Sounds right".
 
Murphy'sReal Laws ​

1. Everyone has a photographic memory.​
Some don't have film.​

2He who laughs last, thinks slowest.​

3. day without sunshine is like, well, night.​

4. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.​

5. Back up my hard drive? How do I put it in reverse?​

6.I just got lost in thought.​
It was unfamiliar territory.

​
7. When the chips are down the buffalo is empty.​

8. Seen it all. Done it all. Can't remember most of it.​

9. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.​

10. I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.​

11. He's not dead. ​
He's electroencephalographically challenged.​


12. She's always late. In fact,​

her ancestors arrived on the "Juneflower."​




13.    You have the right to remain silent.    Anything​


you say will be misquoted,  and​
used against you.​
 ​


14.    I wonder how much deeper the ocean​
would be without sponges.​
 ​


  5.    Honk if you love peace and quiet.​


 ​


16.    Pardon my driving, I'm reloading.​
 ​


17.    Despite the cost of living,​

have you noticed how it remains so popular?​


 ​


18.    Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.​
 ​


19.    It is hard to understand how a cemetery​

can raise its burial costs and blame it​


on the higher cost of living.​
 ​


20.    Just remember if it wasn't for gravity, we'd all fall off.​
(Or up)​
 ​


 21.    The 50-50-90 rule:    ​

Anytime you have a 50-50 chance​

of getting something right,​

there's a 90%Â probability​


you'll get it wrong.​
 ​


  22.    It is said that if you line up all the​

cars in the world end to end, someone​


would be stupid enough to try and pass  them.​
 ​


23.    You can't have everything.    ​
Where would you put it ?​
 ​


24.    Latest survey shows that​

3 out of 4 people make up 75%Â of​


the world population.​
 ​


25. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.​
 ​


26.    The things that come to those that wait may be the things​
left by those who got there first.​
 ​


27.    Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day.    ​

Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day​


drinking.​
 ​


28.    Flashlight:    ​

AÂ Â case for holding dead batteries.​


 ​


29.    The shin bone is a device for finding furniture.​


 ​


30.    A  fine is a tax for doing wrong.    ​
AÂ tax is a fine for doing well.​
 ​


31.    It was  recently discovered that research​
causes cancer in rats.​
 ​


32.    Everybody lies,​
but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.​
 ​


33.    I wished the buck stopped here, as I could use a  few.​
 ​


34.    I started out with nothing,​
and I still have most of it.​
 ​


 35.    When you go into court,​

you are putting yourself in the hands​

of 12 people who  weren't smart enough​

to get out of jury  duty.​

 ​















Â
 
Last edited:
Emergency Room chat between Doctor and Nurse:
Doctor "How`s that kid that swallowed the bunch of coins going"?
Nurse " No change yet"
 
There is a huge difference between a guy and a girl saying " I went through a whole box of tissues during that movie! "
 
"That's disturbing . . ."


Especially if its your job to pick them off the floor!
 
Tonto and Lone Ranger were asleep at 2 PM in the desert.

Tonto wakes and quickly rustles Lone Ranger awake.

Ranger says what?

Tonto says look up. What do you see?

Ranger answers: I see an aura of millions of stars. There are some constellations too. Also patterns in some of the star configurations. Probably hundreds or more other life giving and supporting planets in the mix. There goes a shooting star!

Tonto says - What's your problem? You stupid as buffalo ****! Someone stole our tent!
 
A Grandaughter goes to Grandpa and asks " Grandpa - can you make a noise like a frog? "


" I think so honey - why is that? " he replies.


" Mum says when you croak we're all going to Disney! "
 
Dad-Joke Alert!!!

My family issues

So I've always had a rocky relationship with my brother. But to be fair he was always a little unusual.
When he was 16 he shaved his head and got tattoos all over his face.
When he was 18, he legally changed his name to Radio. He got some plastic surgery done and filed his teeth and became a Krishna.
Then he called me out of the blue and told me he was a woman, and wanted to be referred to as "she" from now on.

I tried to take all this in stride, because he/she was still family and I loved her. But to be honest, it was difficult.
Last month I called her and invited her to my birthday party, hoping to make peace. And she showed up! And I was so proud to introduce her to all my friends. With nothing but love and pride in my voice, I announced, "everyone, this is my trans sister, Radio!"
 
Come to think of it, that joke is gonna fall flat in any audience!:dance::lol:
 
Max1 said:
Dad-Joke Alert!!!

My family issues

So I've always had a rocky relationship with my brother. But to be fair he was always a little unusual.
When he was 16 he shaved his head and got tattoos all over his face.
When he was 18, he legally changed his name to Radio. He got some plastic surgery done and filed his teeth and became a Krishna.
Then he called me out of the blue and told me he was a woman, and wanted to be referred to as "she" from now on.

I tried to take all this in stride, because he/she was still family and I loved her. But to be honest, it was difficult.
Last month I called her and invited her to my birthday party, hoping to make peace. And she showed up! And I was so proud to introduce her to all my friends. With nothing but love and pride in my voice, I announced, "everyone, this is my trans sister, Radio!"
Click to expand...

AlaskaProf said:
That joke is gonna fall flat in an audience under 60!:socool:
Click to expand...
How about this.

I announced, "everyone, this is my trans sister, Tube :)
 
Introducing a friend to another friend :" This is my friend Peter".
Friend to Peter : "Hello Peter. What`s your surname?"
Peter: It`s "File".
My friend: " Oh, Peter File. Do you find that at all difficult?"
 
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