Humor

The following are statements collected by insurance companies and published from actual collisions:
-The first time I saw the old man was when he bounced off the hood of my car.
-Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don’t have.
-The other car collided with mine without giving me warning of its intentions.
-To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian.
-I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.
-A truck backed though my windshield into my wife’s face.
-A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.
-The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.
-I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law, and headed over the embankment.
-In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.
-I had been driving my car for forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had a collision.
-The indirect cause of this collision was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.
-I was thrown from my car as I left the road. I was found by some stray cows.
-The pedestrian had no idea which direction to go, so I ran over him.
-As I approached the intersection, a stop sign appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the collision.
-I thought my window was down, but found it was up when I put my hand through it.
-My car was legally parked as I backed into the other vehicles.
-An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my vehicle, and vanished.
-I told the police that I was injured, but on removing my hat, I found I had a skull fracture.
-I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the roadway when I struck him.
-I was on my way to the doctor with the rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way, causing me to have a collision.
-The telephone pole was approaching fast; I was attempting to swerve out of its path when it struck my front end.
-I was driving my car out of the driveway in the usual manner, when it was struck by the other car in the same place it had been struck several times before.
-When I saw I could not avoid a collision, I stepped on the gas and crashed into the other car.
-I saw the slow-moving, sad-faced old gentleman as he bounced off the hood of my car.

Coronahaircut @ home

Words you`d rather not hear during the "home haircut":
"Oops, sorry Dear. But,it will grow back,in time."

Although tomato is classified as fruit... you probably would not mix it into fruit salad.

Therefore: Is a bloody mary actually a slushy?

10 drunks stagger into a tavern

- 10th person staggers out

- 9th person staggers out

- 8th person staggers out

- 7th person staggers out

- 6th person staggers out

That leaves 5 drunks

As it's true the 6th person had staggered out, with 5 drunks remaining... that equals 11 total drunks. Which is why: "It's hard to count on drunks".

Greetings,

RT - That should be in the "scary"-forum section!! - LOL

Not for minors!




A sign in the window of a bar advertised for a Piano Player and one day a scroungy looking old guy entered the bar asking about the job.

[FONT=&quot]The bartender was put off by the man's looks, but pointed him to the piano in the corner.
As the old man began to play, the room was filled with the most beautiful, melodious music anyone in the bar had ever heard. During the song, all talk stopped
and when the music ended, the patrons leaped to their feet; yelling and applauding wildly.[/FONT]

Â

[FONT=&quot]"Hey, Old Timer," said the barkeep. "You're really good. What was that beautiful song?"
"I call it 'Drop them panties Momma, I'm gonna do ya all night long'."
Momentarily stunned, the bartender held his temper and said, "Interesting title. Do you have another?" The old man nodded and broke into a foot stomping
honky-tonk piece that brought the bar patrons to their feet. The crowd clapped along until it was finished, then broke into a thunderous round of applause
and filled his tip mug to overflowing.
"You are amazing," exclaimed the barkeep. "Just amazing! What do you call that one?"
"Oh, that's a little ditty I call 'I wanna spank yer bare butt, baby, till you scream and holler'." The bartender held his tongue -- the guy was certainly
good, despite the outrageous song titles.
Then, he rose, excused himself and shuffled off to use the restroom.
While he was gone, the patrons begged the bartender to give the eccentric old musician the job. So, when the old man returned, the barkeep said, "Mister,
you are the greatest piano player I've ever heard. If you want the job, it's yours."
Suddenly, the barkeep noticed that the man had not finished his trip to the restroom. Not wanting to embarrass the old fellow, he leaned toward him and
whispered, "Sir, do you know your pecker's hanging out for all the world to see?"
"Know it?" the geezer grinned. "Hell, I wrote it!"[/FONT]

Art said:

10 drunks stagger into a tavern

- 10th person staggers out

- 9th person staggers out

- 8th person staggers out

- 7th person staggers out

- 6th person staggers out

That leaves 5 drunks

As it's true the 6th person had staggered out, with 5 drunks remaining... that equals 11 total drunks. Which is why: "It's hard to count on drunks".

Click to expand...

Art, you need a math lesson.

[FONT=&quot]
[/FONT]

Man's best friend

Man's best friend is a dog.

I can prove this.
Take your dog and your wife and lock them in your cars trunk(boot).
Go back after a few hours and open the lid.

Which of them is going to be happy to see you?

FlyWright said:

Art, you need a math lesson.

Click to expand...

Na... I need to admit that when my favorite grand pa "Arthur" told me that when I was in 5th grade... he may have been too drunk to count correctly! LOL

Although... the number 5 and 6 do add up to 11!

It's a joke son... just a joke... burp!!

Art said:

Although... the number 5 and 6 do add up to 11!

It's a joke son... just a joke... burp!!

Click to expand...

Old old trick to play on a 5 year-old, showing him that you have eleven fingers:


1-2-3-4-5; 10-9-8-7-6.


"What's 5 plus 6?" 11!

CmdrDick said:

Man's best friend is a dog.

I can prove this.
Take your dog and your wife and lock them in your cars trunk(boot).
Go back after a few hours and open the lid.

Which of them is going to be happy to see you?

Click to expand...

I think this thread is so long that this joke has already been posted at least once...but ya' know, it is still funny!:lol:

Greetings,


Late one evening a Marine pulled into a little town, only to find that every hotel room was taken.

When he finally got to the last hotel, he pleaded to the manager, “You’ve got to have a room somewhere, or just a bed, I don’t care where.”

“Well, I do have a double room with one occupant, a Navy guy,” admitted the manager, “and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I’m not sure it’d be worth it to you.”

“No problem,” the tired Marine assured him, “I’ll take it.”

The next morning the Marine came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.

“How did you sleep?” asked the manager.

“Never better.”

The manager was impressed. “No problem with the other guy snoring, then?”

“Nope, I shut him up in no time,” said the Marine.

“How’d you manage that?” asked the manager.

“He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room,” the Marine explained.

“I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, ‘Goodnight, beautiful,’ and after that he sat up all night watching me…”

Greetings,
I wonder if they make this in a marine version? Would be quite practical after dark.

Wuthering Heights, Semaphore Version

This runs 2 1/2 minutes. The original by Monty Python runs 25 1/2 minutes, most of you will be lucky(or unlucky) to last 45 seconds(no, not at that,I mean watching this) but if you like Python, and are bored shitless, like me, you might like it. Or not.

I love python, but after the initial joke, that one gets old fast, sorry. Thanks for sharing.

This never gets old for me

Lyrebird`s Screaming Baby Imitation

The male lyrebird is adept at imitation. It`s all about sex, best songs win fair maidens. This one is at Taronga Zoo in Sydney,? heard one too many unhappy babies.
Intrigued? Check out the second video attributed to Sir David Attenborough. I hear the 2 birds performing are father and son, the second bird actually doing the calls may not in the wild.

Sean Lock, resident comedian on the smut laden British TV series "8 out of 10 cats does Countdown" a spoof of the real Countdown, a letters and numbers quiz, has died. Not onstage in a stand up routine, but in real life (or perhaps death). His dry, often innuendo laden humor is nicely caught in these tribute excepts from "8 out of 10 cats".

Never seen him before, funny as ****.

Choices said:

Never seen him before, funny as ****.

Click to expand...

Thanks, I`ll tell him.

I was planning on cooking alligator for dinner tonight. Then I realize all I had was a croc pot.

It's a sad day today, just learned of the death of Norm McDonald at age 61 from a very private battle with cancer over the last decade. One of my favorite and funniest comedians I know of.

Cop pulls over an 87 year old lady for not using turn signal:

Cop - Your license and insurance please.
Old Lady - Here you go sonny!
C - Notices a gun carry permit attached to her insurance card
C - Asks... My dear, do you have a gun with you?
OL - Yes... A 357 Magnum in my glove compartment.
C - Asks... Have you any others?
OL - Also have a Glock in the console container.
C - Wow, I'm amazed says the cop... have you any other?
OL - Yup! A 38 snub nose in my purse.

Cop asks: My dear, what are you so afraid of?

Little old lady answers: Not a f..kkkking thing!

A man walks into a bar....

and sees a patron sat in the corner playing chess with his dog.

He watched this spectacle for a few minutes, seeing the dog accurately move his pieces in the correct fashion and even saw him take his owners pawn off the table.

Finally he goes over to the dogs owner and says "your dog is amazingly intelligent". The owner replies "well, not really. He hasn't won a game yet".