Anyone choose the boat over the woman?

I’ve got a great girlfriend of about two years whom I love, but she’s decided she wants absolutely nothing to do with the cruiser lifestyle. Won’t live on a boat. Won’t travel on a boat. Won’t vacation on a boat. Refuses to even spend one night on a boat.

I was up front when we met that cruising is my retirement plan. Told her this before our first date and she was receptive, but has now changed her mind. I want to see the world but I love the comforts of my own home. Don’t really like hotels and despise commercial air travel. Figure I’ll buy a floating home I can take with me.

It’s not for lack of comfort here. I’m looking at power catamarans in the 80 foot range. Some of them have more square feet than my house. Anyway, it’s come down to an ultimatum and it seems I’m the bad guy for choosing the boat. Really I’m choosing a lifestyle I’ve dreamed of and been working toward for about two decades now.

Has anyone had to make a similar choice? How’d it turn out? I’m content to do this alone if I must, I quite enjoy my own company, but I sure would love a good woman by my side. I’ll have to let this one go, sadly, but there’s a part of me that wonders if finding a cruising partner will be more difficult than I thought.

It never comes down to boat vs woman. There were obviously other issues as well. It sounds like the decision was made so don’t dwell on it, move forward. It is important to be honest to others but it is important to be honest with yourself. It’s possible that she was receptive to the boat idea but later discovered that the boat scared her, who knows, doesn't matter now.

You are more likely to find a cruising partner on the water than on the land.

We are having our 50th anniversary this year and are currently looking for our 24th boat. We spent most of our dating time on boats. However I got a great one. Neighbor across the street met a woman, told her of his love for boats and boating, told her if she wasn’t interested in boats to drop their relationship. Got married, had a baby the next year, divorced the following year since she lied to him about boats. Point is you and she need to have a frank discussion about what each of you want. Then either decide to proceed or not, don’t let it go to marriage because one of you will end up resenting the other. Better to hash it out before you marry than to divorce, no one wins then except the lawyers. Good luck.

Greetings,
Mr. b. Just wasn't meant to be I suppose. I agree with Mr. t. Other issues. Hidden from you, for now, perhaps but...

“Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.”

Mark Twain

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Get the boat.

Start the Dream.

The rest will follow

Put directly, she has reneged on the deal you jointly made. The lawyer in me says "estoppel", the human says "commiserations.

Live your dream. Good things will follow.

Lots of guys cruise alone.

Lots of guys that used to be married that chose a boating lifestyle post relationship.

Live your dream, you only get one shot at life.

I too was upfront with my girlfriend, that my retirement plan was to live aboard and do some cruising. Fast forward eight years later she says "why wait? Lets just do it now."....We are starting our earnest boat shopping this weekend.

Careful Boatlife. You're asking a boating forum about a boat they know vs a partner they don't. You've gotten responses from people who, on average, have over 10k posts on this forum, a proverbial echo chamber.

Pretty sure the concensus would be different if you posted to some sort of relationship healing forum.

Good partners are hard to find - good boats aren't. I know, it's about the lifestyle, not the boat. All I can say is make doubly sure you have exhausted all avenues before you pull the rip cord. Guys sometimes latch onto dreams such as living on a boat - the glamor can fade over time leaving you searching for the next dream
.....alone.

Maybe an RV instead of a boat. Who knows.

Good luck.

Peter

I think if you are asking it's already a foregone conclusion.

Jim

Boat life, better lose the dame and go for the boat.

MurrayM said:

Get the boat.

Start the Dream.

The rest will follow

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Once you find the boat that satisfies your needs, go for it. I hate to sound crass but, you can alway find another traveling companion.

WHY MARRY?
IF she insists on marriage, perhaps she wants more more more, including your estate, the one you planned on giving to your kids or relatives.
I dont know your age but, think twice about having or adopting kids. That's a sure way for her to get her hooks into your estate.

You need two more things beyond the boat, a vasectomy and a very strong, well defined pre-nup. The pre-nup saved my ass. LOL IF the woman refuses to sign a prenup, pray tell, that should give you a hint about her motives.

Yea yea, I know. I am a mean, nasty, selfish, self-centered, inconsiderate old bastard and SOB (and perhaps a 1/2 dozen other things). That's just me.

You want to leave her something? Leave her the boat to sell. That should bring her a pretty penny.

I can be sweet as apple pie until I sense I am being taken for a ride.

I agree with JLD. If your asking its already your conclusion. But your looking for confirmation. Personally I believe in YOLO. If you don't live your dream you'll resent her and that could destroy the relationship. You don't want to go to your death bed say "I wish I had......" just my perspective.

When a partner makes you feel like "the bad guy" because what you want is different than what she wants, the issue may have little to do with boats or boating. Not knowing either of you, that's a shot in the dark, but maybe something to consider - this time or next time.

When we were dating I took her out on Lake Erie on a J-22. And we're not talking a few hour sail, we're talking three day cruises. We had a 5 gallon bucket for a head and 4 bottles of wine. We had a ball. THEN I married her. That was 30 years, 5 boats and 6 RV's ago. We're STILL having fun cruising and glamping.

Like someone above said, if you're here asking the question here you've answered it. Just get the nasty bit over with and move on. And don't tell her it's about the boat. Tell her "It's not gonna work." It'll be the truth.

I heard that women have a gene that allows them to believe they can change the man into their vision. So they agree to everything until the knot is tied, then go to work in shaping the man. So I heard.

To paraphrase someone famous who I can’t recall, when there is doubt…there should be no doubt.

I agree that advice here will be somewhat skewed

That said, one of the friction points of my marriage (we all have them) is my wife assenting to my crazy passions over the years and then backtracking. More my fault that hers probably, but another old saying comes to mind:

One who is convinced against [her]will, remains unconvinced still. I’m still learning that.

Soo-Valley said:

I heard that women have a gene that allows them to believe they can change the man into their vision. So they agree to everything until the knot is tied, then go to work in shaping the man. So I heard.

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Men want their women to never change and are disappointed.

Women want their men to change, and are disappointed.

Greetings,
Mr. mv. With all due respect, this "proverbial echo chamber" disagrees. Mr. b has his dream. Been going on 20 some years. Whether or not it is simply a pipe dream, he should pursue it IMO. Might be a catastrophe, might not.



Relationships are NOT 50/50. They are 100/100 with each side contributing all they can for their partners happiness. A lot of compromises and also a lot of putting oneself out simply to make the other happy.



We too are going on 50+ years together. About 40 years ago, the mem-saab was hot to buy a vacation property (cottage). We very seriously looked all one summer and never quite found anything within our budget. THEN!, I got the idea of "let's get a boat". To say my mate was reluctant is an understatement BUT eventually she acquiesced and we bought our first boat. I DID agree that we would try it for a season and it would be sold if she didn't like the "lifestyle".


Long story short, immediately after our first trip I was informed that I would be in major, major shyte if I sold the boat. We've been boating, ever since. She is my best friend and I would do anything for her. I can't speak for her but I would like to think she would do the same for me. My wife is a saint!

If you choose the woman, you'll probably always resent her for making you give up the boat. That feeling will fester and at some point will likely sabotage the relationship. If she forced herself to accept the boat, she might grow to like it, but probably would always resent it and it would eventually sabotage the relationship. Nobody ever won a prize for choosing to make themselves unhappy. Follow your instinct, and you'll have a happy, aquatic life.

I am waiting for the ladies to chime in.
I am pretty sure they will rip us all 'a new one.' LOL

I will make no apologies for me. SHRUG

Greetings,
Mr. OD. The ladies are probably content with sitting back and laughing at us old farts prattle on.

RT Firefly said:

Greetings,
Mr. OD. The ladies are probably content with sitting back and laughing at us old farts prattle on.

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OLD JOKE::
If she says, "I have given you the best years of my life.", be thankful they were the best.

alaskaflyer said:

men want their women to never change and are disappointed.

Women want their men to change, and are disappointed.

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this!

boatlife said:

I’ve got a great girlfriend of about two years whom I love, but she’s decided she wants absolutely nothing to do with the cruiser lifestyle. Won’t live on a boat. Won’t travel on a boat. Won’t vacation on a boat. Refuses to even spend one night on a boat.

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Just a point of clarification; it sounds like you're saying she made this decision even having never spent 1 night on a boat...?
This is sort of like talking your child into trying broccoli, who has decided they hate it even though they've never tried it(!)

Certainly any woman (or man) can decide to dislike boating... but not without trying it. The kind of cruising you're talking about like on a large CAT cannot be described in words; one has to be taken out on the water if nothing else at least for a day trip before they can pass judgement on it.
If it is your passion and she refuses to even try it, then it sounds like she has very little invested in the relationship. just my .02

Sledge, raw broccoli and dip I enjoy a little bit.

Your .02? is that US or Canadian? TEASE

You're asking a boating forum to confirm a choice you've already made. Sorry, I won't do so. I will state you should break up now and she should consider herself lucky. You talk only about and what you made clear but she never said she shared your dream. I can say this that when I met my wife if she'd hated or feared boats, I would have sold mine and never again stepped foot on one. That's what you do when in love. We would have found plenty of other things to replace boating in our lives. No, you thought you would somehow change her mind. You say you love her. I say no you do not. You may have fun with her, enjoy her, love your time with her, but you don't love her so be honest now with her.

BandB said:

You're asking a boating forum to confirm a choice you've already made. Sorry, I won't do so. I will state you should break up now and she should consider herself lucky. You talk only about and what you made clear but she never said she shared your dream. I can say this that when I met my wife if she'd hated or feared boats, I would have sold mine and never again stepped foot on one. That's what you do when in love. We would have found plenty of other things to replace boating in our lives. No, you thought you would somehow change her mind. You say you love her. I say no you do not. You may have fun with her, enjoy her, love your time with her, but you don't love her so be honest now with her.

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Yet, that’s exactly what you have done.

BandB said:

You're asking a boating forum to confirm a choice you've already made. Sorry, I won't do so. I will state you should break up now and she should consider herself lucky. You talk only about and what you made clear but she never said she shared your dream. I can say this that when I met my wife if she'd hated or feared boats, I would have sold mine and never again stepped foot on one. That's what you do when in love. We would have found plenty of other things to replace boating in our lives. No, you thought you would somehow change her mind. You say you love her. I say no you do not. You may have fun with her, enjoy her, love your time with her, but you don't love her so be honest now with her.

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BandB,


With all due respect, we only have what Boatlife has told us. There's nothing that indicates he was anything but honest with her. And with two years in, certainly that can be love. She's the one that changed her mind, not him. How hard it would be to break up only Boatlife can determine, that that could be a hard choice. However, living when the GF really cuts him off from a two decade dream could be a more challenging choice.



Like RT said, a loving relationship is both giving 100%, and it seems like she is not giving that.



Now, I could strongly argue that Boatlife make an effort to get her on a boat to at least try it. There's a lot of psychology and planning to make this successful, which can be. Plan a very short trip in great weather with another couple, go out somewhere for a short ride, perhaps a lunch run or a short cruise. Who knows. Also, there may be things that Boatlife doesn't like that he'll have to compromise for her.



If it absolutely doesn't work, that certainly says something about her, and I'd bet that there could be other conflicts in the future.

Now, question for BoatLife.....


Can we get a picture of the GF... that will help us decide.