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Old 07-08-2020, 07:42 AM   #81
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In today's world....and greatly so right here sometimes....it seems like other people's business IS everyone's business....
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Old 07-08-2020, 08:28 AM   #82
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It's not a matter of equality (or not) in terminology; instead it's a matter of mission. Admirals are in charge for one thing, Captains for another.

Wifey likes to pick areas with wildlife viewing in mind; she can spot a turtle on a branch at 200 yards... whereas I wouldn't see that kind of wildlife it if bit me in the a$$. Wifey can drive the boat (dock, etc.), but doesn't really enjoy it. It's a pretty good partnership.

-Chris
Wifey B: And the real issue isn't terminology between two consenting adults, but what it means to those involved. My original post was a concern the OP wasn't hearing his wife who had over the years repeatedly said "no."

Only thing I'd remind about Admiral is don't use it to refer to someone that you don't know likes the term.
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Old 07-08-2020, 09:03 AM   #83
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Why is it that I dont see anyone being beat up for using the term Captain? I think that is equally misused here on TF and I dont recall any rants over its use.
Shouldn't Captain be reserved for licensed captains?
Bacchus, I've followed your posts since you joined TF and learned from them. Even incorporated several suggestions you've made on to my own vessel.

In the Navy, the word captain is used to describe any officer that is in charge of a Naval vessel. A commander may be the captain of a submarine or a Lt. Commander the captain of a destroyer and so on. Many of TF's members are ex military (A lot of Navy guys, including me!) and may refer to anyone who helms a recreational boat as "The captain." Using the word "Skipper" is synonymous with "Captain" and is used interchangeably with captain by a large portion of the crew. Possibly why you see no one raising the question as to its use. To me, you are indeed the captain of your vessel! Licensed or not.
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Old 07-08-2020, 09:05 AM   #84
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Originally Posted by Codger2 View Post
In the Navy, the word captain is used to describe any officer that is in charge of a Naval vessel. A commander may be the captain of a submarine or a Lt. Commander the captain of a destroyer and so on. Many of TF's members are ex military (A lot of Navy guys, including me!) and may refer to anyone who helms a recreational boat as "The captain." Using the word "Skipper" is synonymous with "Captain" and is used interchangeably with captain by a large portion of the crew. Possibly why you see no one raising the question as to its use. To me, you are indeed the captain of your vessel! Licensed or not.

Agreed. The license (or military rank) may determine what you're allowed to captain, but the title of Captain applies regardless.
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Old 07-08-2020, 09:10 AM   #85
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Back to the OP's status post...
My wife (sometimes the Admiral, sometimes First Mate) didn't grow up on boats and doesn't love them like I do. But, we have moved up from ski boats, to small ocean fishing boats to our current 36' Lindell. When she met me I was racing in ocean sailboats and up to recently before I met her worked in the boat business. It was clear I had a boat addiction and being around me meant being around boats if I was going to be happy. One of the first sailing trips offshore before we were married we were on our ear in rough weather and she was down there cooking breakfast. I thought she was a keeper at that point, but she still didn't love boating, but I would say she likes it much better now.
Over the years I've tried not to force it. Often I went on my own, and that is fine. When we first started to go to Catalina, she took the ferry and met me over there. Then she started coming back with me, finally she was comfortable enough to go both ways and actually enjoyed driving for part of it.

So, after several years with our previous 26' Shamrock I started to suggest we move up. It was a bit of a hard sell, but my wife isn't big on change so pushed back a bit. Things changed when we started to look at boats, she became pretty interested, even cruising Yachtworld on her own. We had a lot of fun looking at boats and doing a bit of traveling around the country to check one or the other out.

Now with the new boat she is much more into it and really enjoys being on the boat. I wouldn't say she is super crazy about it like I am, but she is enjoying herself. I hear her talking to friends now about the new boat and she is clearly on board.

I bring all this up to point out to the OP that if your spouse didn't grow up on boats it might take some time to relax and get to enjoy boating. Don't force it, go slow and take small steps and there is a good chance she may come to enjoy boating.
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Old 07-08-2020, 09:33 AM   #86
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Back to the original subject.... To The OP and any of the “Dreamers” out there

DO NOT pressure your significant other into a lifestyle choice that they do not want, especially something as big as full or part time living aboard.

Also...

DO NOT pressure your significant other into a financial purchase that affects your lifestyle in other ways due to its cost.

If you fail to heed this advice you might find yourself going it alone. IF you want to be in a relationship you NEED to take into consideration your significant others desires and goals.

YES, you only get this one shot at life, but the same goes for your partner. If she (or he) does not want to cruise full time and “live” on a boat that is their decision to make, and theirs alone. You need to communicate with your partner in life and make arrangements that accommodate their needs. That might mean deciding to cruise or boat alone. That might mean choosing a different lifestyle. It might even mean deciding that the two of you are not compatible.

The big thing is that you need to be upfront with those discussions.
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Old 07-08-2020, 12:42 PM   #87
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Back to the original subject.... To The OP and any of the “Dreamers” out there

DO NOT pressure your significant other into a lifestyle choice that they do not want, especially something as big as full or part time living aboard.

Also...

DO NOT pressure your significant other into a financial purchase that affects your lifestyle in other ways due to its cost.

If you fail to heed this advice you might find yourself going it alone. IF you want to be in a relationship you NEED to take into consideration your significant others desires and goals.

YES, you only get this one shot at life, but the same goes for your partner. If she (or he) does not want to cruise full time and “live” on a boat that is their decision to make, and theirs alone. You need to communicate with your partner in life and make arrangements that accommodate their needs. That might mean deciding to cruise or boat alone. That might mean choosing a different lifestyle. It might even mean deciding that the two of you are not compatible.

The big thing is that you need to be upfront with those discussions.
Wifey B: Very well written, Kevin. If you win through pressure, you really will have lost. That kind of win isn't worth it.

I feel for couples whose interests don't match up. If it's small things that take a day here or there, no big deal, but something like RV'ing or Boating or Travel in general or living in the city or country, it's a real challenge.

And that's also why we have terms like "irreconcilable differences" and one really needs to think of what things are worth ending up there.
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Old 07-08-2020, 01:08 PM   #88
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Sometimes "irreconcilable differences" work out WAY better for one and/or both.
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Old 07-08-2020, 01:12 PM   #89
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I was single and owner of a GB42 which I lived in when I met my wife. She rode aboard the boat the first day we met. So my boating "baggage" was never in question. The issue I faced fifteen years later was getting her to go along with the idea of downsizing to this 30-footer. And she quite agrees with being referred as the admiral and understands and enjoys the relationship between and admiral and the captain.
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Old 07-08-2020, 01:15 PM   #90
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I was single and owner of a GB42 which I lived in when I met my wife. She rode aboard the boat the first day we met. So my boating "baggage" was never in question. The issue I faced fifteen years later was getting her to go along with the idea of downsizing to this 30-footer. And she quite agrees with being referred as the admiral and understands and enjoys the relationship between and admiral and the captain.

I bet you REALLY understand the relationship between captain and admiral....


Don't know your personal life..... but I am sure your Navy career saw that relationship loud and clear.
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Old 07-08-2020, 02:32 PM   #91
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It would seem equally detrimental....long term to force someone into a boating lifestyle as to force someone out of it. Either you're both in, or your both out. Somewhere in between and the person forced to compromise with hold latent animosity. That doesn't tend to remain latent over time.

I hear people say "You're going to end a relationship over a '<BLAH>???!!!" Nobody makes that conscious decision up front, but that ends up being the catalyst long down the road, whether they want to admit it or not.
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Old 07-08-2020, 02:55 PM   #92
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It will be a sad captain that ignores an admirals wishes.

Doesn't matter whos navy your in.
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Old 07-08-2020, 04:33 PM   #93
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The irony with my better half is that while she likes being called "The Admiral" she gets pretty peeved being called " she that must be obeyed".. even though as The Admiral I damn well better fall in line with her wishes (or orders).

I have been been fortunate to be able to sail for many years under her command.. and she reminds me on almost a daily basis.
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Old 07-08-2020, 05:32 PM   #94
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Sometimes "irreconcilable differences" work out WAY better for one and/or both.
Wifey B: They can, especially if they involve values or things very important. Unfortunately it doesn't happen often in a friendly way and that's sad. I wish people could just agree they weren't best together but still love each other.

My fave story of this is someone most wouldn't think of as a wild, crazy man and his wife. Warren Buffett and Susan. Her dream was Hollywood and Music and more and his remained in Omaha. He bought her a great Malibu home. She left in love but before she left, she introduced Astrid as she didn't want to leave him alone. Astrid moved in. Their Christmas cards were signed as from the three of them. There was this beautiful love between the three of them. He never was going to divorce Susan and she came home as she became ill. He and Astrid took care of her and only a couple of years after that did he marry Astrid.

It was simple. I love you and I love you but to pursue my dreams I must be on the West Coast and my life is here in Nebraska. You hear the phrase normally in talking about kids but "loving them enough to let go" or "love enough to set free." They did and I find it one of the most beautiful love stories ever.

Hubby and I didn't use the words "Till Death Do Us Part" in our wedding but instead "As Long as it works for both of us." We intend and believe it will be forever, but we want it only if it truly is working for both of us. We can't imagine otherwise but we just didn't feel we could pledge until death regardless of anything that might happen.

I hate the thought of people divorcing, but I hate the thought of people staying together unhappily even more. Older people would often cite the rise in divorce rates but a lot of that was in earlier periods people stayed together even if miserable. I had a friend in NC who told her parents she and her husband were divorcing. Her mother said to her "But that's just feelings" and told her they could change. Basically it was that feelings weren't important, jobs and finances and other things were and she liked her daughter's husband. Now, clearly she didn't see as others did him degrading her, criticizing her, making fun of her and overall being mean to her every chance he had even in front of friends, but feelings are what it's all about.
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Old 07-08-2020, 05:34 PM   #95
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The irony with my better half is that while she likes being called "The Admiral" she gets pretty peeved being called " she that must be obeyed".. even though as The Admiral I damn well better fall in line with her wishes (or orders).

I have been been fortunate to be able to sail for many years under her command.. and she reminds me on almost a daily basis.
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Wifey B: How is she with "Goddess?"
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Old 07-08-2020, 10:35 PM   #96
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Wifey B: Very well written, Kevin. If you win through pressure, you really will have lost. That kind of win isn't worth it.

I feel for couples whose interests don't match up. If it's small things that take a day here or there, no big deal, but something like RV'ing or Boating or Travel in general or living in the city or country, it's a real challenge.

And that's also why we have terms like "irreconcilable differences" and one really needs to think of what things are worth ending up there.
Sometimes it’s as simple as choosing what is more important... Your relationship or your cruising dreams.

I’l be honest here... I could take off tomorrow and live a full time cruising lifestyle. I have the boat to do it, 100% set up for full time cruising along any coastline. I have the finances to do it, and I have the ability time wise. I could literally leave port today and be happy as a clam. We would not have to sell our home, or even rent it out, all we would have to do is lock it up, set the alarm, and count on buying new house plants upon our return.

My wife of 28 years not so much. She is happy for up to a week or so on the boat at a time and that’s about it. It’s not our boat that is the issue, it’s ANY boat that is the issue. Yes we could buy a larger boat, Yes I have considered it, No it would not help push her over the edge one bit. She likes her life and I can appreciate that, after all I have spent almost three decades with her making that life. We have things pretty darn good, nice lakefront home, nice community, everything nice and comfortable.

So I am in a position of choosing. A couple of years ago it came to a head and I moved onto the boat for the summer. I had a WONDERFUL time, except my partner was not there.

So... I Choose her over my dreams of full time cruising. Have I lost something, you bet I did. Have I gained or better put kept something, YES! Something to me that is more valuable than my dreams.

How is this going to work out in the long run, Frankly I do not know. She might choose to help out with my dreams and accompany me down the west coast into Mexico. Maybe she will choose not to. Perhaps I’ll make the trip in stages partially alone, and partially accompanied. You just never know. Perhaps we’ll do as she suggests and after the Covid thing dies down we’ll spend much of our winters traveling. I just do not know.

What I do know, first hand is that if only one person wants something one person has to give in, or you will not be happy together. I gave in, I choose Her, and I’m happy with that.
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Old 07-08-2020, 10:43 PM   #97
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Sometimes "irreconcilable differences" work out WAY better for one and/or both.
Amen, brother!
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Old 07-09-2020, 12:09 AM   #98
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Wifey B: How is she with "Goddess?"

Not really sure... I endeavor to treat her as one so it may stick


I call her "Ironwoman" most of the time when ashore, she earned that nickname as a six time 1/2 Ironman and three time full Ironman.



Typically I use "Admiral" when aboard. Luckily we share a love of all things boating and travel so the cruising life works well for us. We both cannot wait to get back to it full time.

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