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Three friends from the local congregation were asked, "When you're in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?"
Artie said, "I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man."
Eugene commented, "I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives.."
Al said, "I'd like them to say, 'Look, he's moving!'"
 
Elderly couple had too many loud yelling fights. Neighbors could hear them.

Some times even a visit by police. Neighbors saw that.

Wife kept yelling I'll kill you if you don't stop pulling my hair. Something the neighbors would gossip about.

Husband would yell back... you can't ever stop me... I break open the casket, dig my way up and come back from the grave to get you! Being he was so onerous the neighbors half believed he would!

Well... suddenly, for unknown reasons the husband was dead!

After the burial neighboring wives asked the widow if she was afraid he would find a way back??

Wife chuckled on that question.

She told the neighbors… he'll never find his way back. I made sure of that; buried him face down... and because he's so vain he'll never admit he's going the wrong way!
 
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Guy in an airport lounge sees a female he can tell is a flight attendant but in civvies, out of work uniform. He tries saying some airline motto slogans looking for a response to identify the airline.
"A Great Way to Fly"(Singapore) , no response..
"Fly the Friendly Skies"(UA), no response..
"Where Will Tomorrow Take You(Emirates) no response. But, she turns towards him and says" What the f... do you want?"
"Aha" he says, "I`ve got it, Qantas"
 
I am sure this has been around, but timeless-amj


The 6 year old asks, "You know what? I think it's about time we started learning to cuss."The 4 year old nods his head in approval.

The 6 year old continues,"When we go in for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with hell and you say something with ass."

The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.

When the mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he wants for breakfast, he replies, "Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios.

WHACK!

He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up,and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit,slapping his rear with every step.

His mom locks him in his room and shouts, "You can stay there until I let you out!"

She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?"

"I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your fat ass it won't be Cheerios!"
 
Soo-Valley said:
This is similar to experts trying to contain the virus
Click to expand...

I literally laughed until I cried (I worked at a company pouring and finishing concrete to put my self through college). I have seen this in real life. :D
 
Soo-Valley said:
This is similar to experts trying to contain the virus
Click to expand...

Although it is funny watching those goof balls do their silly attempts. :facepalm:

Being a decades successful masonry, concrete and tile company owner... having many times used same type machine... to me this video shows stupidity of the guys on hand.

I am amazed that not one of the many there did not realize that by securing the handle [while machine blades initially still sat on concrete] would have immediately, easily made the concrete finish blades start turning; therefore putting the power finisher back into its normal functioning parameter.

To secure the handle would have been a simple as lassoing with a rope; or, even just standing in its way with a cushion on your mid section. Soon as the rotating handle/engine was stopped the blades would instantly, easily begin to spin. - - Such as can be seen in last few seconds of the video.

It is funny though! :rofl: :popcorn:
 
Rye Bread

Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on a park bench one morning.
The 87-year-old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath.
The 80-year-old was amazed at the guy's stamina and asked him what he did to have
so much energy.

The 87-year-old said, "Well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."

So, on the way home the 80-year-old stopped at the bakery.
As he was looking around, the sales lady asked if he needed any help.
He said, "Do you have any rye bread?"
She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?"
He said, "I want five loaves." She said, "My goodness, five loaves!
By the time you get to the 3rd loaf, it'll be hard."

He replied, "I can't believe everybody knows about this but me!"
 
May be offensive to some…




Irish Lubricant

Murphy's old lady had been pregnant for some time and now the time had come.
He brought her to the doctor and the doctor began to deliver the baby.
She had a little boy, and the doctor looked over at Murphy and said.

'Hey, Murph! You just had you a son,!


'Ain't dat grand!!'

Murphy got excited by this, but just then the doctor spoke up and said,

'Hold on! We ain't finished yet, !'

The doctor then delivered a little girl. He said, 'Hey, Murph! You got you a daughter!!!! She is a pretty lil ting, too....'

Murphy got kind of puzzled by this and then the doctor said, 'Hold on, we ain’t got done yet!'

The doctor then delivered another boy and said, 'Murph, you just had yourself another boy, !'

Murphy said to the doctor, 'Doc, what caused all of dem babies,?'

The doctor said, 'You never know Murph, it was probably something that happened during conception.'

Murphy said, 'Ah yeah, during conception.'

When Murph and his wife went home with their three children, he sat down with his wife and said, 'Mama, you remember dat night that we ran out of Vaseline and we had to use dat dere 3-in-1 Oil.'

She said, 'Yeah, I remember dat night...'
Murph said, 'I'll tell you...it's a freaking' good ting we didn't use

WD-40.




May be offensive to some…




Irish Lubricant

Murphy's old lady had been pregnant for some time and now the time had come.
He brought her to the doctor and the doctor began to deliver the baby.
She had a little boy, and the doctor looked over at Murphy and said.

'Hey, Murph! You just had you a son,!


'Ain't dat grand!!'

Murphy got excited by this, but just then the doctor spoke up and said,

'Hold on! We ain't finished yet, !'

The doctor then delivered a little girl. He said, 'Hey, Murph! You got you a daughter!!!! She is a pretty lil ting, too....'

Murphy got kind of puzzled by this and then the doctor said, 'Hold on, we ain’t got done yet!'

The doctor then delivered another boy and said, 'Murph, you just had yourself another boy, !'

Murphy said to the doctor, 'Doc, what caused all of dem babies,?'

The doctor said, 'You never know Murph, it was probably something that happened during conception.'

Murphy said, 'Ah yeah, during conception.'

When Murph and his wife went home with their three children, he sat down with his wife and said, 'Mama, you remember dat night that we ran out of Vaseline and we had to use dat dere 3-in-1 Oil.'

She said, 'Yeah, I remember dat night...'
Murph said, 'I'll tell you...it's a freaking' good ting we didn't use

WD-40.



May be offensive to some…




Irish Lubricant

Murphy's old lady had been pregnant for some time and now the time had come.
He brought her to the doctor and the doctor began to deliver the baby.
She had a little boy, and the doctor looked over at Murphy and said.

'Hey, Murph! You just had you a son,!


'Ain't dat grand!!'

Murphy got excited by this, but just then the doctor spoke up and said,

'Hold on! We ain't finished yet, !'

The doctor then delivered a little girl. He said, 'Hey, Murph! You got you a daughter!!!! She is a pretty lil ting, too....'

Murphy got kind of puzzled by this and then the doctor said, 'Hold on, we ain’t got done yet!'

The doctor then delivered another boy and said, 'Murph, you just had yourself another boy, !'

Murphy said to the doctor, 'Doc, what caused all of dem babies,?'

The doctor said, 'You never know Murph, it was probably something that happened during conception.'

Murphy said, 'Ah yeah, during conception.'

When Murph and his wife went home with their three children, he sat down with his wife and said, 'Mama, you remember dat night that we ran out of Vaseline and we had to use dat dere 3-in-1 Oil.'

She said, 'Yeah, I remember dat night...'
Murph said, 'I'll tell you...it's a freaking' good ting we didn't use

WD-40.
 
While this one references the current President, any of the past will do. There is no particular political statement being made!-AmJ

Dr. Anthony Fauci, the Director of the U.S. National Institute of Allergy and Infectious Diseases, told Joe Biden "This morning, three Brazilian people died from Covid-19.”

Biden’s face went egg-shell white with shock. The blood drained from his face and to everyone’s amazement he collapsed on the floor.

Minutes passed and, to everyone’s relief, Biden got up shakily and then sat back on his chair.

His staff was nothing less than stunned at this display of emotion from Joe Biden, nervously watching as he sat, head in hands. Finally, Joe looked up and with a shaky quivering voice asked Dr. Fauci, "How many people is a Brazillion?”
 
Al said:
"How many people is a Brazillion?”
Click to expand...
That's an old one, recycled from the Bush era. It was funnier then.

Now, with a half-million of our fellow citizens dead... not so much.
 
rd6 (1).png
 
A sailor and a pirate are in a bar recounting their adventures at sea. Seeing the pirate’s peg-leg, hook, and eye patch the sailor asks: “So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?”
The pirate replies: “We were caught in a huge storm and a giant wave swept me overboard. Just as me crew were pullin’ me out a school of sharks appeared and one of ’em bit me leg off.”
“Blimey!” said the sailor . “And how’d you get the hook?”
“Arrrr…”, mused the old salt, “I got into a fight over a woman in a bar, and me hand got chopped off.”
“Blimey!” remarked the sailor. “And how about the eye patch?”
“Oh that,” said the pirate, looking embarrassed. A seagull droppin’ fell into me eye.”
“You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?” the questioner asked incredulously.
“Well…” said the old sea dog, “It was me first day with the hook.”
 
Harry has been in a serious car accident and is in the hospital, bandaged head to foot. On the day he finally wakes from a coma, the doctor welcomes him back to the world with the news that he’s going to be fully recovered.

“Except for one issue”, the doc tells him. “Unfortunately, your penis was severed In the accident and in spite of much searching, emergency response personnel couldn’t find it. But, not to worry! With modern technology, all is not lost. We can replace it! Make you good as new! But it will be expensive. Not sure what you had before, but you’ll pay about $40,000 for 5 inches and that can go to $150k for 12. Now, I know you’ve been married a while. This is an important decision for you and your wife to make together. We’ll be taking the bandages off next week, and it’s important that we do the operation promptly afterwards to ensure the new organ takes. So talk to your wife and I’ll see you in a week.

The following week, as promised, the doctor returns.

“So, today the bandages come off. Did you speak to your wife about that little issue we discussed?”

“Yessir!” says Harry. “We sure did! And Martha, she had some pretty strong opinions about it. Yessir, she’s all in favor of marital bliss, that’s fer sure!”

“Why, that’s wonderful”, said the doctor. “What did you decide.”

“We’re going for the marble countertops.”
 
A Wish To Live Forever

I met a magical fairy yesterday who said she would grant me one wish.

"I wish to live forever," I said.

"Sorry," said the fairy, "That is the only wish that I'm not allowed to grant."

"Fine," I said, "then I want to die the day after Congress is filled with honest, hard-working, bipartisan men and women who act only in the people's best interests!"

"You crafty little bastard," replied the fairy.
 
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