menzies
Guru
It's all relative. Our daughter lives in Bozeman where it is currently 16 with snow.
And going to get worse - a lot worse!
Last edited:
Humor
- Thread starter Keith
- Start date
The friendliest place on the web for anyone who enjoys boating.
If you have answers, please help by responding to the unanswered posts.
If you have answers, please help by responding to the unanswered posts.
It's all relative. Our daughter lives in Bozeman where it is currently 16 with snow.
And going to get worse - a lot worse!
RT Firefly
Enigma
Last edited:
menzies
Guru
My wife had just bought a new line of expensive cosmetics absolutely guaranteed to make her looks years longer. She sat in front of the mirror for what had to be hours applying the "miracle" products.
Finally, when she was done, she turned to me and said, "Honey, honestly now, what age would you say I am?" I nodded my head in assessment, and carefully said, "Well, honey, judging from your skin, twenty. Your hair, mmmm, eighteen. Your figure, twenty-five."
"Oh, you're so sweet!" she happily exclaimed.
"Well, hang on, I'm not done adding it up yet."
Finally, when she was done, she turned to me and said, "Honey, honestly now, what age would you say I am?" I nodded my head in assessment, and carefully said, "Well, honey, judging from your skin, twenty. Your hair, mmmm, eighteen. Your figure, twenty-five."
"Oh, you're so sweet!" she happily exclaimed.
"Well, hang on, I'm not done adding it up yet."
menzies
Guru
Her son had just got married and she decided to call on her new daughter-in-law one afternoon.
She walked into the house and found her daughter-in-law lying totally naked over the couch.
"What on earth are you doing?" she asked.
"I am lying here in my birthday suit waiting for your son to come home so I can make him happy!"
The mother left and went home. As the time approached for her husband to arrive home from work she got naked an lay across her couch.
He walked in and was startled with the sight.
"What the heck are you doing woman?"
"I am lying here in my birthday suit waiting to make you happy!"
"Well for God's sake, could you not have ironed it first?"
She walked into the house and found her daughter-in-law lying totally naked over the couch.
"What on earth are you doing?" she asked.
"I am lying here in my birthday suit waiting for your son to come home so I can make him happy!"
The mother left and went home. As the time approached for her husband to arrive home from work she got naked an lay across her couch.
He walked in and was startled with the sight.
"What the heck are you doing woman?"
"I am lying here in my birthday suit waiting to make you happy!"
"Well for God's sake, could you not have ironed it first?"
HopCar
Guru
- Joined
- Aug 20, 2011
- Messages
- 5,310
- Vessel Name
- Possum
- Vessel Make
- Ellis 28
I turned off the air conditioner and let the cats in.
BruceK
Moderator Emeritus
- Joined
- Oct 31, 2011
- Messages
- 13,347
- Vessel Name
- Sojourn
- Vessel Make
- Integrity 386
Weather Forecasting
Back when you could actually talk to someone at the Weather Office, someone called to ascertain for sure if it was going to rain.
"75% likelihood of rain" was the reply.
"How did you reach that conclusion?"
"There are 4 of us on duty. 3 think it will rain, one says it won`t. 3 out of 4 gives you the 75%."
I`ve no idea whether it rained or not but it`s a true story, reported by the caller in Column 8 of the Sydney Morning Herald.
Back when you could actually talk to someone at the Weather Office, someone called to ascertain for sure if it was going to rain.
"75% likelihood of rain" was the reply.
"How did you reach that conclusion?"
"There are 4 of us on duty. 3 think it will rain, one says it won`t. 3 out of 4 gives you the 75%."
I`ve no idea whether it rained or not but it`s a true story, reported by the caller in Column 8 of the Sydney Morning Herald.
This happened on a flight getting ready to
depart for New Orleans . Bob was sitting on the plane when a guy took the seat beside him. The guy was an emotional wreck, pale, hands shaking, moaning in fear.
“What’s the matter?” Bob asked.
“I’ve been transferred to New Orleans , there are crazy people there. They’ve got lots of shootings, gangs, race riots, drugs, poor public schools, and the highest crime rate in the nation.”
Bob replied, “I’ve lived in New Orleans all my life. It’s not as bad as the media says. Find a nice home, go to work, mind your own business, and enroll your kids in a nice private school. It’s as safe a place as anywhere in the world.”
The guy relaxed and stopped shaking and said, “Oh, thank you. I’ve been worried to death. But if you live there and say it’s OK, I’ll take your word for it. What do you do for a living?”
“I’m a tail gunner on a Budweiser truck.”
depart for New Orleans . Bob was sitting on the plane when a guy took the seat beside him. The guy was an emotional wreck, pale, hands shaking, moaning in fear.
“What’s the matter?” Bob asked.
“I’ve been transferred to New Orleans , there are crazy people there. They’ve got lots of shootings, gangs, race riots, drugs, poor public schools, and the highest crime rate in the nation.”
Bob replied, “I’ve lived in New Orleans all my life. It’s not as bad as the media says. Find a nice home, go to work, mind your own business, and enroll your kids in a nice private school. It’s as safe a place as anywhere in the world.”
The guy relaxed and stopped shaking and said, “Oh, thank you. I’ve been worried to death. But if you live there and say it’s OK, I’ll take your word for it. What do you do for a living?”
“I’m a tail gunner on a Budweiser truck.”
RT Firefly
Enigma
Even ******** Can Save Lives.
Three baseball fans were on their way to a game when one noticed a foot sticking out of the bushes by the side of the road. They stopped and discovered a nude female dead drunk. Out of respect, the Cubs fan took off his cap and placed it over her right breast. The Red Sox fan took off his cap and placed it over her left breast. Following their lead, the Yankee fan took off his cap and placed it over her crotch.
The police were called and when the officer arrived, he conducted his inspection. First, he lifted up the Cubs cap, replaced it, and wrote down some notes. Next, he lifted the Sox cap, replaced it, and wrote down some more notes. The officer then lifted the Yankees cap, replaced it, then lifted it again, replaced it, lifted it a third time, and replaced it one last time.
The Yankee fan was getting upset and finally asked, “What are you, a pervert or something? Why do you keep lifting and looking, lifting and looking?”
Well,” said the officer. “I am simply surprised. Normally when I look under a Yankees hat, I find an *******.”
The police were called and when the officer arrived, he conducted his inspection. First, he lifted up the Cubs cap, replaced it, and wrote down some notes. Next, he lifted the Sox cap, replaced it, and wrote down some more notes. The officer then lifted the Yankees cap, replaced it, then lifted it again, replaced it, lifted it a third time, and replaced it one last time.
The Yankee fan was getting upset and finally asked, “What are you, a pervert or something? Why do you keep lifting and looking, lifting and looking?”
Well,” said the officer. “I am simply surprised. Normally when I look under a Yankees hat, I find an *******.”
The man comes to his doctor and tells him that his wife doesn’t want to have sex with him for the last 7 months. The doc tells Stormy to bring his wife in so he can talk to her. So the wife comes into the doctors office and the doctor asks her what’s wrong and why doesn’t she want to have sex with him for 7 months.
The wife tells him, “For the last 7 months every morning I take a cab to work. I don’t have any money so the cab driver asks me, ‘So are you going to pay today or what?’ so I take a ‘or what’. When I get to work I’m late so the boss asks me, ‘So are we going to write this down in the book or what?’ so I take a ‘or what’.
Back home again I take the cab and again I don’t have any money so the cab driver asks me again, ‘So are you going to pay this time or what?’ so again I take a ‘or what’. So you see doc when I get home I’m all tired out, and I don’t want it any more.”
The doctor thinks for a second and then turns to the wife and says, “So are we going to tell your husband or what?”
The wife tells him, “For the last 7 months every morning I take a cab to work. I don’t have any money so the cab driver asks me, ‘So are you going to pay today or what?’ so I take a ‘or what’. When I get to work I’m late so the boss asks me, ‘So are we going to write this down in the book or what?’ so I take a ‘or what’.
Back home again I take the cab and again I don’t have any money so the cab driver asks me again, ‘So are you going to pay this time or what?’ so again I take a ‘or what’. So you see doc when I get home I’m all tired out, and I don’t want it any more.”
The doctor thinks for a second and then turns to the wife and says, “So are we going to tell your husband or what?”
FF
Guru
- Joined
- Oct 12, 2007
- Messages
- 22,552
nce upon a time there lived a King who had the most beautiful daughter.But there was a problem. Everything the princess touched would melt.
No matter what: Metal , Wood, Stone, anything she touched would melt.
Because of this, men were afraid of her. Nobody would dare marry her.
The King despaired. What could he do to help his daughter?
He asked his wizards & magicians; one wizard told the King,
'If your daughter touches one thing that does not melt in her hands, she will be cured.'
The King was overjoyed and came up with a plan.
The next day, he held a competition. Any man that could bring his daughter an object that would
not melt would marry her and inherit the King's wealth.
THREE YOUNG PRINCES TOOK UP THE CHALLENGE.
The first brought a sword of the finest steel.
But alas, when the Princess touched it, it melted.
The prince went away sadly.
The second prince brought diamonds.
He thought diamonds are the hardest substance in the world and would not melt.
But alas, the Princess touched them & they melted.
He too was sent away disappointed.
The third prince approached. He told the Princess,
'Put your hand in my pocket and feel what is in there.'
The Princess did as she was told, though she turned red.
She felt some thing very hard. She held it in her hand.
And it did not melt!!!
The King was overjoyed and the kingdom was overjoyed.
They married & they lived happily ever after.
Question: What was in the Prince's pants???? Answer is below
M&M's of course! They melt in your mouth, not in your hand.
What on earth were you thinking?
No matter what: Metal , Wood, Stone, anything she touched would melt.
Because of this, men were afraid of her. Nobody would dare marry her.
The King despaired. What could he do to help his daughter?
He asked his wizards & magicians; one wizard told the King,
'If your daughter touches one thing that does not melt in her hands, she will be cured.'
The King was overjoyed and came up with a plan.
The next day, he held a competition. Any man that could bring his daughter an object that would
not melt would marry her and inherit the King's wealth.
THREE YOUNG PRINCES TOOK UP THE CHALLENGE.
The first brought a sword of the finest steel.
But alas, when the Princess touched it, it melted.
The prince went away sadly.
The second prince brought diamonds.
He thought diamonds are the hardest substance in the world and would not melt.
But alas, the Princess touched them & they melted.
He too was sent away disappointed.
The third prince approached. He told the Princess,
'Put your hand in my pocket and feel what is in there.'
The Princess did as she was told, though she turned red.
She felt some thing very hard. She held it in her hand.
And it did not melt!!!
The King was overjoyed and the kingdom was overjoyed.
They married & they lived happily ever after.
Question: What was in the Prince's pants???? Answer is below
M&M's of course! They melt in your mouth, not in your hand.
What on earth were you thinking?
SteveK
Guru
- Joined
- Jul 5, 2019
- Messages
- 5,080
- Location
- Gulf Isalnds BC canada
- Vessel Name
- Sea Sanctuary
- Vessel Make
- Bayliner 4588
FF
Guru
- Joined
- Oct 12, 2007
- Messages
- 22,552
Phyllis Dillerisms...
Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age. As your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
-Phyllis Diller
Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?
-Phyllis Diller
Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the sidewalk before it stops snowing.
-Phyllis Diller
The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.
-Phyllis Diller
Best way to get rid of kitchen odours: Eat out.
-Phyllis Diller
A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
-Phyllis Diller
I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them.
-Phyllis Diller
Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.
-Phyllis Diller
Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.
-Phyllis Diller
We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve years telling them to sit down and shut up.
-Phyllis Diller
Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.
-Phyllis Diller
What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
-Phyllis Diller
The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
-Phyllis Diller
His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.
-Phyllis Diller
My photographs don't do me justice -they just look like me.
-Phyllis Diller
I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.
-Phyllis Diller
Tranquillizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle - keep away from children.
-Phyllis Diller
I asked the waiter, 'Is this milk fresh?' He said, 'Lady, three hours ago it was grass.'
-Phyllis Diller
The reason the golf pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing.
-Phyllis Diller
You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type.
-Phyllis Diller
Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age. As your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
-Phyllis Diller
Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?
-Phyllis Diller
Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the sidewalk before it stops snowing.
-Phyllis Diller
The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.
-Phyllis Diller
Best way to get rid of kitchen odours: Eat out.
-Phyllis Diller
A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
-Phyllis Diller
I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them.
-Phyllis Diller
Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.
-Phyllis Diller
Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.
-Phyllis Diller
We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve years telling them to sit down and shut up.
-Phyllis Diller
Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.
-Phyllis Diller
What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
-Phyllis Diller
The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
-Phyllis Diller
His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.
-Phyllis Diller
My photographs don't do me justice -they just look like me.
-Phyllis Diller
I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.
-Phyllis Diller
Tranquillizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle - keep away from children.
-Phyllis Diller
I asked the waiter, 'Is this milk fresh?' He said, 'Lady, three hours ago it was grass.'
-Phyllis Diller
The reason the golf pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing.
-Phyllis Diller
You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type.
-Phyllis Diller
Last edited:
FF
Guru
- Joined
- Oct 12, 2007
- Messages
- 22,552
SteveK
Guru
- Joined
- Jul 5, 2019
- Messages
- 5,080
- Location
- Gulf Isalnds BC canada
- Vessel Name
- Sea Sanctuary
- Vessel Make
- Bayliner 4588
wkearney99
Guru
- Joined
- Feb 17, 2018
- Messages
- 2,164
- Location
- USA
- Vessel Name
- Solstice
- Vessel Make
- Grand Banks 47 Eastbay FB
Seriously. Plain old soap and water is better provided you can get to it AND you do it.
I only use sanitizer when I get back into the car from having been out for supplies. Even then, it's straight to the sink for soap and water when I get home.
But during one of my foraging trips a few weeks ago, going into multiple stores seeking various supplies, I used sanitizer a bunch. When I got in the car the next morning it occurred to me that more than one DUI defense in the future is going to try playing the "that wasn't my client's breath you smelled, it was the alcohol in the hand sanitizer".
SteveK
Guru
- Joined
- Jul 5, 2019
- Messages
- 5,080
- Location
- Gulf Isalnds BC canada
- Vessel Name
- Sea Sanctuary
- Vessel Make
- Bayliner 4588
wkearney99
Guru
- Joined
- Feb 17, 2018
- Messages
- 2,164
- Location
- USA
- Vessel Name
- Solstice
- Vessel Make
- Grand Banks 47 Eastbay FB
Even more so, using the examples of various distilleries turning their production toward use in sanitizer.
Ignoring, of course, that everything distilled is plain alcohol. It doesn't become gin, rum, scotch, or whatever until after it's advanced past the first stage. Sure, there's the difference based on the starting carbs (corn, grain, taters, etc).
I fully expect to see the distilleries cranking up their own variations of sanitizer, or licensing it out. Because of course the consumers will buy a Jack Daniel's hand sanitizer commemorative bottle...
Ignoring, of course, that everything distilled is plain alcohol. It doesn't become gin, rum, scotch, or whatever until after it's advanced past the first stage. Sure, there's the difference based on the starting carbs (corn, grain, taters, etc).
I fully expect to see the distilleries cranking up their own variations of sanitizer, or licensing it out. Because of course the consumers will buy a Jack Daniel's hand sanitizer commemorative bottle...
SteveK
Guru
- Joined
- Jul 5, 2019
- Messages
- 5,080
- Location
- Gulf Isalnds BC canada
- Vessel Name
- Sea Sanctuary
- Vessel Make
- Bayliner 4588
Happy joke about this sudden need for hand sanitizer everywhere we go:
We should have always had hand sanitizer available everywhere we go.
So... maybe, just maybe... from here on out - there will be pump bottles of hand sanitizer everywhere we go. Outcropping from this could be a great reduction in transmissions of the general flue and general cold. Therefore, in the long term this virus may save many more lives than it takes.
Now the joke!!
Kinda makes me convinced that my premise of the human race [as a whole] being in its adolescent stage of development... will finally learn to "Wash Its Freaking Hands"! LOL
We should have always had hand sanitizer available everywhere we go.
So... maybe, just maybe... from here on out - there will be pump bottles of hand sanitizer everywhere we go. Outcropping from this could be a great reduction in transmissions of the general flue and general cold. Therefore, in the long term this virus may save many more lives than it takes.
Now the joke!!
Kinda makes me convinced that my premise of the human race [as a whole] being in its adolescent stage of development... will finally learn to "Wash Its Freaking Hands"! LOL
Last edited:
Similar threads
Latest posts
-
-
-
Fixing boats in Exotic Places - are new boats really that bad?- Latest: twistedtree
-
-
-
-
-