Humor

[Al]

Submitted for the humor thrust, not individuals (-8

BREAKING NEWS: Mathematics Teacher Arrested at JFK

A school teacher was arrested today at John F. Kennedy International airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler,

a protractor, a compass, an ancient wooden device called a "slide-rule" as well as a code device called an "abacus" that he claimed was a calculator.

At a morning press conference, the Attorney General said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-Gebra movement. He did not
identify the man, who has been charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of maths instruction.

"Al-Gebra is a problem for us," the Attorney General said. "Al-Gebra has terrorized many young people for years. They derive solutions by
means and extremes and sometimes go off on tangents in search of absolute values".

"They use secret code names like 'X' and 'Y' and refer to themselves as 'unknowns,' but we've determined that they belong to a common
denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country."

As the Greek philosopher Isosceles used to say, "There are 3 sides to every triangle.'"

When asked to comment on the arrest, President Biden said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of maths instruction, he would have
given us more fingers and toes."

White House aides told reporters they could not recall a more intelligent or profound statement by a President.

ABC, CBS, CNN, MSNBC, NBC proclaimed Biden solved a problem created by Trump

 

[SteveK]

How we can implement climate change.

We all have children – this is how you can help them address the “Carbon Footprint”.

After our daughter of fifteen years of age was moved to tears by the speech of Greta Thunberg at the UN the other day, she became angry with our generation “who had been doing nothing for thirty years”.
So, we decided to help her prevent what the girl on TV announced of “massive eradication and the disappearance of entire ecosystems”.
We are now committed to give our daughter a future again, by doing our part to help cool the planet four degrees.

From now on she will go to school on a bicycle, because driving her by car costs fuel, and fuel puts emissions into the atmosphere. Of course it will be winter soon and then she will want to go by bus, but only as long as it is a diesel bus.
Somehow, that does not seem to be conducive to ‘helping the Climate’.

Of course, she is now asking for an electric bicycle, but we have shown her the devastation caused to the areas of the planet as a result of mining for the extraction of Lithium and other minerals used to make batteries for electric bicycles, so she will be pedaling, or walking. Which will not harm her, or the planet. We used to cycle and walk to school too.

Since the girl on TV demanded “we need to get rid of our dependency on fossil fuels” and our daughter agreed with her, we have disconnected the heat vent in her room. The temperature is now dropping to twelve degrees in the evening, and will drop below freezing in the winter, we have promised to buy her an extra sweater, hat, tights, gloves and a blanket.

For the same reason we have decided that from now on she only takes a cold shower. She will wash her clothes by hand, with a wooden washboard, because the washing machine is simply a power consumer and since the dryer uses natural gas, she will hang her clothes on the clothes line to dry.

Speaking of clothes, the ones that she currently has are all synthetic, so made from petroleum. Therefore on Monday, we will bring all her designer clothing to the secondhand shop.
We have found an eco store where the only clothing they sell is made from undyed and unbleached linen, wool and jute.
It shouldn’t matter that it looks good on her, or that she is going to be laughed at, dressing in colorless, bland clothes and without a wireless bra, but that is the price she has to pay for the benefit of The Climate.
Cotton is out of the question, as it comes from distant lands and pesticides are used for it. Very bad for the environment.

We just saw on her Instagram that she’s pretty angry with us. This was not our intention.
From now on, at 7 p.m. we will turn off the WiFi and we will only switch it on again the next day after dinner for two hours. In this way we will save on electricity, so she is not bothered by electro-stress and will be totally isolated from the outside world. This way, she can concentrate solely on her homework. At eleven o’clock in the evening we will pull the breaker to shut the power off to her room, so she knows that dark is really dark. That will save a lot of CO2.

She will no longer be participating in winter sports to ski lodges and resorts, nor will she be going on anymore vacations with us, because our vacation destinations are practically inaccessible by bicycle.

Since our daughter fully agrees with the girl on TV that the CO2 emissions and footprints of her great-grandparents are to blame for ‘killing our planet’, what all this simply means, is that she also has to live like her great-grandparents and they never had a holiday, a car or even a bicycle.

We haven’t talked about the carbon footprint of food yet.
Zero CO2 footprint means no meat, no fish and no poultry, but also no meat substitutes that are based on soy (after all, that grows in farmers fields, that use machinery to harvest the beans, trucks to transport to the processing plants, where more energy is used, then trucked to the packaging/canning plants, and trucked once again to the stores) and also no imported food, because that has a negative ecological effect. And absolutely no chocolate from Africa, no coffee from South America and no tea from Asia.
Only homegrown potatoes, vegetables and fruit that have been grown in local cold soil, because greenhouses run on boilers, piped in CO2 and artificial light. Apparently, these things are also bad for The Climate. We will teach her how to grow her own food.
Bread is still possible, but butter, milk, cheese and yogurt, cottage cheese and cream come from cows and they emit CO2. No more margarine and no oils will be used for the frying pan, because that fat is palm oil from plantations in Borneo where rainforests first grew.
No ice cream in the summer. No soft drinks and no energy drinks, as the bubbles are CO2. She wanted to lose some pounds, well, this will help her achieve that goal too.
We will also ban all plastic, because it comes from chemical factories. Everything made of steel and aluminum must also be removed. Have you ever seen the amount of energy a blast furnace consumes or an aluminum smelter? Uber bad for the climate!
We will replace her 9600 coil, memory foam pillow top mattress, with a jute bag filled with straw,with a horse hair pillow.

And finally, she will no longer be using makeup, soap, shampoo, cream, lotion, conditioner, toothpaste and medication. Her sanitary napkins will be replaced with pads made of linen, that she can wash by hand, with her wooden washboard, just like her female ancestors did before climate change made her angry at us for destroying her future.
.
In this way we will help her to do her part to prevent mass extinction, water levels rising and the disappearance of entire ecosystems.
If she truly believes she wants to walk the talk of the girl on TV, she will gladly accept and happily embrace her new way of life

 

[KnotYet]

Your misunderstanding of 'Humor' is exceeded only by your misunderstanding of MMCC.

 

[markbarendt]

Your misunderstanding of 'Humor' is only exceeded by your misunderstanding of MMCC.

 

[Al]

Not so much misunderstanding but not having heard of a "MMCC". In liu I have to fully agree with Soo-Valley and am going to hijack the post for my personal satifaction in facing all the "Karens" on this crap. Watching all the volcanos errupting?? Man, what is that doing for the old atmosphere?

Now for the humor submission before a 'Mod" pulls the post.

A man was dining in a fancy restaurant and there was a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table.. He had been checking
her out since he sat down, but lacked the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezed, and her glass eye came flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reached out, grabbed it out of the air, and handed it back.

'Oh my, I am so sorry,' the woman said, as she popped her eye back in place. 'Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you.'

They enjoyed a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they went to the theatre followed by drinks... They talked, they laughed, she shared her deepest dreams and he shared his. She listened to him with interest.

After paying for everything, she asked him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap. They had a wonderful, wonderful time.

The next morning, she cooked a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy was amazed. Everything had been so incredible!

'You know,' he said, 'you are the perfect woman... Are you this nice to every guy you meet?'

'No,' she replies. . .......

'You just happened to catch my eye.'

 

[Art]

WWII melody that dad would occasionally sing aboard boat!


After the ball was over...

Mary took out her glass eye...

Stood up her leg in the corner...

Removed her teeth to dry...

That's how poor Jim found his Mary after the ball.

That is how Jim found his Mary, spare parts n' all!!

 

[BruceK]

...


After the ball was over...

Mary took out her glass eye...

Stood up her leg in the corner...

Removed her teeth to dry...

Reminded of that great compliment: "Your teeth are like the stars, they come out at night"

 

[Al]

Woman’s wisdom at its best ����
Ever been on a farm? Well, if so, I thought you would appreciate this story......

Went for a walk with my new girlfriend and we saw dogs mating.
She said: "How does the male know when the female is ready for sex?"
I replied: "He can smell she is ready . That's how nature works."
We then walked past a sheep field and the ram was mating the ewe.
Again my girlfriend asked: "How does the ram knew when the ewe is ready for sex?"
I replied: "It's nature. He can smell she is ready."
We then went past a cow-field and the bull was mating with the cow.
My girlfriend said: "This is odd. They are really going at it. Surely the bull can't smell when she is ready?"
I said: "Oh, yes; it's nature . All animals can smell when the female is ready for sex."
Anyway, after the walk, I dropped her home and kissed her goodbye.
She said: "Take care and get yourself checked out for Covid-19.
Surprised, "Why do you say that?" I asked her.
She replied: "You seem to have lost your sense of smell."

 

[Al]

Telling a person to calm down is about like baptizing a cat.

Prayer is the original wireless communication.

My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffered from mental illness.
I said, "No, we all seem to enjoy it."

I thought the dryer made my clothes shrink.
Turns out it was the refrigerator.

I thought growing old would take longer.

Went shopping while hungry – now I'm the proud owner of Aisle 6.

Camping: where you spend a small fortune to live like a homeless person.

Just once, I want a username and password prompt to say: "close enough"

Being an adult is the dumbest thing I have ever done.

I'm a multitasker. I can listen, ignore and forget all at the same time!

Went to an antique show and people were bidding on me.

I won't say I'm worn out, but I don't get near the curb on trash day.

People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full miss the point.
The glass is refillable.

Be the kind of woman who when your feet hit the floor first thing in the morning,
the devil says: "Oh, oh, here she comes."

When you can't find the sunshine...be the sunshine.

I don't have grey hair. I have wisdom highlights.

I'm a nightmare dressed like a daydream.

Sometimes it takes me all day to get nothing done.

I don't trip, I do random gravity checks.

My heart says chocolate and wine,
but my jeans say, please, please, please, eat a salad!

Hold on while I overthink this.

My spouse says I have 2 faults. I don't listen and...something else.

"dammit I'm mad" is "dammit I'm mad" spelled backwards.

One minute you're young and fun.
The next, you're turning down the car stereo to see better.

I'd grow my own food if only I could find bacon seeds.

Losing weight doesn't seem to be working for me,
so from now on I'm going to concentrate on getting taller.

Day 12 without chocolate...lost hearing in my left eye.

Some people are like clouds ; once they disappear it's a beautiful day.

Some people you're glad to see coming; some people you're glad to see going.

My body is a temple, ancient and crumbling, perhaps cursed or haunted.

Common sense is not a gift. It's a punishment because
you have to deal with everyone who doesn't have it.

 

[KnotYet]

Al, where did you get those from so I know who I'm stealing them from?!

 

[RT Firefly]

Greetings,


Charles, a new retiree-greeter at Wal-Mart, just couldn't seem to get to work on time. Every day he was 5, 10, 15 minutes late. But he was a good worker, really tidy, clean-shaven, sharp-minded and a real credit to the company and obviously demonstrating their "Older Person Friendly" policies.

One day the boss called him into the office for a talk. "Charles, I have to tell you, I like your work ethic, you do a bang-up job when you finally get here, but your being late so often is quite bothersome."

"Yes sir, I know, and I am working on it."

"Well good, you are a team player. That's what I like to hear.”

“Yes sir, I understand your concern and I’ll try harder.”

Seeming puzzled, the manager went on to comment, “It's odd though you're coming in late. I know you're retired from the Armed Forces. What did they say to you there if you showed up in the morning so late and so often?"

The old man looked down at the floor, then smiled. He chuckled quietly, then said with a grin,
"They usually saluted and said:
"Good morning General, can I get your coffee sir?"

 

[RT Firefly]

 

[Al]

Al, where did you get those from so I know who I'm stealing them from?!

Go ahead!! ' Anonymous' works:lol:

 

[AlaskaProf]

Go ahead!! ' Anonymous' works:lol:

Fair use is a legal doctrine that promotes freedom of expression by permitting the unlicensed use of copyright-protected works in certain circumstances. ..

 

[BruceK]

Submitted for the humor thrust, not individuals (-8

BREAKING NEWS: Mathematics Teacher Arrested at JFK

A school teacher was arrested today at John F. Kennedy International airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler,

a protractor, a compass, an ancient wooden device called a "slide-rule" as well as a code device called an "abacus" that he claimed was a calculator.

At a morning press conference, the Attorney General said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-Gebra movement. He did not
identify the man, who has been charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of maths instruction.

"Al-Gebra is a problem for us," the Attorney General said. "Al-Gebra has terrorized many young people for years. They derive solutions by
means and extremes and sometimes go off on tangents in search of absolute values".

"They use secret code names like 'X' and 'Y' and refer to themselves as 'unknowns,' but we've determined that they belong to a common
denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country."...

Australia has a comedy group called "The Chaser". Years ago they booked airline seats in the names of " Al Kyder" and "Terry Wrist", checking in but failing to board in time, leading to multiple PA boarding calls of their names. The announcers gradual realization they`d been tricked was palpable.

 

[Al]

Possible close to the line here:



A man washed up on a beach after a shipwreck. Only a sheep and a sheepdog
were washed-up with him.

After looking around, he realized that they were stranded on a deserted
island.

After being there awhile, he got into the habit of taking his two animal
companions to the beach every evening to watch the sunset.

One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus
clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance.

As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the lonely
man.

Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it.

The sheepdog, ever-protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until the man
took his arm from around the sheep.

After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but
there was no more cuddling.

A few weeks passed-by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck.

The only survivor was Nancy Pelosi

That evening, the man brought Nancy to the evening beach ritual. It was
another beautiful evening - red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze
- perfect for a night of romance.

Pretty soon, the man started to get those feelings again. He fought the
urges as long as he could but he finally gave-in and leaned over to Nancy
and told her he hadn't had sex for months.

Nancy batted her eyelashes & asked if there was anything she could do for
him.

He said, ’Yes, take the dog for a walk.'

 

[Al]

1. I was thre e over today: One over a house, one over a patio and one over swimming pool..

~ Baseball Hall of Famer George Brett



2. Actually, the only time I ever took out a one-iron was to kill a tarantula And I took a 7 to do that.
~ Sports Writer Jim Murray

3. The only sure rule in golf is - he who has the fastest cart never has to play the bad lie.
~ Baseball Hall of Famer Mickey Mantle

4. Sex and golf are the two things you can enjoy even if you're not good at them.
~ Actor Kevin Costner


5. I don't fear death, but I sure don't like those three-footers for par.
~ PGA Golfer Chi Chi Rodriguez

6. After all these years, it's still embarrassing for me to play on the American golf tour. Like the time I asked my caddie for a sand wedge and he came back ten minutes later with a ham on rye.
~ PGA Golfer Chi Chi Rodriguez

7. The ball retriever is not long enough to get my putter out of the tree.
~ Tom Weiskopf


8. My favorite shots are the practice swing and the conceded putt. The rest can never be mastered .
~ Lord Robertson

9. Give me golf clubs, fresh air and a beautiful partner, and you can keep the clubs and the fresh air.
~ Jack Benny


10. There is no similarity between golf and putting; they are two different games, one played in the air, and the other on the ground.
~ Ben Hogan


11. Professional golf is the only sport where, if you win 20% of the time, you're the best.
~ Jack Nicklaus


12. I never pray on a golf course. Actually, the Lord answers my prayers everywhere except on the course.
~ Billy Graham


13. If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play at it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf.
~ Bob Hope


14. While playing golf today, I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake in a sand trap.
~ Henny Youngman

15. If you think it's hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball.
~ Jack Lemmon

16. You can make a lot of money in this game. Just ask my ex-wives. Both of them are so rich that neither of their husbands work.
~ Lee Trevino

 

[boathealer]

A man washed up on a beach after a shipwreck. Only a sheep and a sheepdog
were washed-up with him.

After looking around, he realized that they were stranded on a deserted
island.

After being there awhile, he got into the habit of taking his two animal
companions to the beach every evening to watch the sunset.

One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus
clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance.

As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the lonely
man.

Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it.

The sheepdog, ever-protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until the man
took his arm from around the sheep.

After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but
there was no more cuddling.

A few weeks passed-by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck.

The only survivor was Nancy Pelosi

That evening, the man brought Nancy to the evening beach ritual. It was
another beautiful evening - red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze
- perfect for a night of romance.

Pretty soon, the man started to get those feelings again. He fought the
urges as long as he could but he finally gave-in and leaned over to Nancy
and told her he hadn't had sex for months.

Nancy batted her eyelashes & asked if there was anything she could do for
him.

He said, ’Yes, take the dog for a walk.'

I remembered a similar one to that:
------------------

A man was stranded on deserted island for 10 years. One day a beautiful girl swims to shore in a wet suit.

Man: "Hi! Am I ever happy to see you!”

Girl: "Hi! It seems like you've been here along time. How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"

Man: "It's been ten years!" With this information the girl unzips a slot on the arm of her wet suit and gives the man cigarette.

Man: "Oh, thank you so much!"

Girl: "So tell me how long it’s been since you had a drink?"

Man: "It's been ten years" The girl unzips a little longer zipper on her wet suit and comes out with a flask of whiskey and gives the man a drink.

Man: "Oh, thank you so much. You are like a miracle"!

Finally the girl starts to unzip the front of her wet suit and asks the man leadingly, "So tell me then, how long has it been since you played around??"

The man looked at her and said excitedly: "Oh, my God, don't tell me you've got a set of golf clubs in there too?!?!"

 

[KnotYet]

In the 'original' version of Al's shipwrecked sheep joke the new arrival was a
sexy young woman and that was what actually made it a good joke.

Al's politically tainted version could be used as an example of the conservatives'
'Midas touch in reverse'.

 

[Art]

In the 'original' version of Al's shipwrecked sheep joke the new arrival was a
sexy young woman and that was what actually made it a good joke.

Al's politically tainted version could be used as an example of the conservatives'
'Midas touch in reverse'.

I'm conservative too... but... with a heavy touch of open-eyed forward thinking!! Some are sooooo conservative that moving off 1st base becomes a real task.

That said - At this point in time... Al's joke with Nancy Pelosi in its context is hilarious!! When I read it and got to her name... the sip of drink I was about to swallow somewhat spit out between my lips. I don't hold much against Nancy... except she's a politician - But, way better than many who frequent the same profession!!

 

[KnotYet]

I'm conservative too... but... with a heavy touch of open-eyed forward thinking!! Some are sooooo conservative that moving off 1st base becomes a real task.

That said - At his point in time... Al's joke with Nancy Pelosi in its context is hilarious!! When I read it and got to her name... the sip of drink I was about to swallow somewhat spit out between my lips. I don't hold much against Nancy... except she's a politician - But, way better than many who frequent the same profession!!

Fair enough!

In this case it may be Nancy that's got his (their) goat...

 

[BruceK]

 

[BruceK]

Re #2242 above, which I can`t edit to add:
For a long time, I thought the Chaka Khan song "I`m Every Woman" was titled "Climb Every Woman". It made no sense, especially in context ,but it`s how it sounded.

 

[RT Firefly]

Greetings,
France is bacon?

 

[Art]

Bruce - That is hilarious! I empathize completely!! Had very similar misunderstanding when I was a youngster...

I learned early on that criminals would hide by being unlawfully "at large" in regard to trying to not be apprehended by law enforcement. You know by sayings such as: So and so in the Mafia was known to be hiding "at large" while the FBI searched for them.

Soooo... When young, and I began to hear in grade school of the famous politician "Henry Cab" at large... I could not for the life of me figure how a politician could be successful and yet be "at large". I asked a few times how it could be that Henry Cab at lodge was so successful? Adults would begin to expound on his record and all he did in early 1900's. So, I stopped asking.

Eventually, I learned that his name was actually spelled Henry Cabot Lodge. Haven't mentioned this to anyone before now.

At 69 years in a couple weeks - I feel it's OK to "come out of the closet", regarding Henry Cab "at large"!! :lol:

 

[Datenight]

While walking up the hill to kindergarten (alone the horror!) I was practicing the pledge of allegiance and wondering who Whichet Stands was. Still get a chuckle out of that 60 years later.

Rob

 

[HopCar]

And then there was that famous Credence Clearwater Revival song “There’s a Bathroom on the Right”.

 

[AlaskaProf]

Mine at the age of four was the song: Lettuce No.


You know the one.


"The weather outside is frightful
But the fire is so delightful
Lettuce no, lettuce no, lettuce no.

 

[kthoennes]

I had two that still make me laugh. One was the Spanish pop song "Eres tu" that came out when I was about 8 years old. I thought it was really odd they wrote a song about a bowl of soup called Etta Stew. I asked my mother if she ever had eaten etta stew -- nope, had no idea what I was talking about, or what the ingredients were. Figured it must be a foreign dish.

The other one was the 10cc song "I'm Not in Love" that also came out in the 70's. There's a female whisper segment in that song where she apparently says "big boys don't cry" -- but to this day to me it sounds nothing whatsoever like big boys don't cry. To me she says "be quiet, bequest and quiet." Made no logical sense at all but that's what it still sounds like to me, and that's how I'm singing it.

 

[BruceK]

Years ago,"Professor Afferbeck Lauder'(1) published a book of common "Strine"(2) usage,highlighting examples of poor pronunciation here. "Emma Chisit?"(3)was one.


Translations:

1. Alphabetical Order
2. Australian
3. How much is it?(Enquiry about price)