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Old 06-17-2022, 05:34 PM   #2521
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Constipated? This'll scare the crap out of ya!



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Old 06-17-2022, 09:35 PM   #2522
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Got myself banned from our local mime club. Apparently it was something I said.
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Old 06-21-2022, 06:37 PM   #2523
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Greetings,
From a British site:


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Old 06-24-2022, 07:28 PM   #2524
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Old 07-08-2022, 07:43 PM   #2525
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Old 07-12-2022, 02:16 PM   #2526
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Good ol CalvinClick image for larger version

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Old 07-12-2022, 07:15 PM   #2527
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Because our galley counters have so much extra space...
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Old 07-12-2022, 09:48 PM   #2528
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Sunday school teacher is teaching a young class. She introduces the topic by stating,
"Today the subject is the Resurrection. Does anybody know about the Resurrection?"
A small hand from the back of the room rises. "Yes" the teacher acknowledges the hand,
"If it last more than four hours you suppose to call a doctor"
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Old 07-13-2022, 06:25 AM   #2529
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Al View Post
Sunday school teacher is teaching a young class. She introduces the topic by stating,
"Today the subject is the Resurrection. Does anybody know about the Resurrection?"
A small hand from the back of the room rises. "Yes" the teacher acknowledges the hand,
"If it last more than four hours you suppose to call a doctor"
My favorite way to have gotten detention in catholic school was to ask "if you can show me where Jesus ever said "Holy Days of Obligation" then I'll go to some random mass. Conveniently the trip to the office did, in fact, get me out mass that morning.
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Old 07-13-2022, 06:53 AM   #2530
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True funny memory of my dad. When I was growing up, Jehovah's witnesses would often show up at our door handing out pamphlets and looking for recruits. My dad was a devout Catholic and used to engage with them if he had the time, I think it was for his own entertainment. I remember one time he channeled George Carlin and asked them, "If God is all-powerful, can he make a rock so big, that he himself can't lift it?" They walked away speechless. lol
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Old 07-13-2022, 07:26 AM   #2531
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A Conundrum:

Sister Mary: God is all forgiving!

Me: Then why does he send you to hell if you die before asking forgiveness.

Result: Dear Sister Mary rushes back to my desk with her flat ruler in hand... well... Those of you who were mixed up in 1950's Catholic religious teaching know what happened next!!

In Effect: Sister Mary taught me early on the TRUE Meaning of BS!!!

co·nun·drum
/kəˈnəndrəm/


noun
a confusing and difficult problem or question.
"one of the most difficult conundrums for the experts"

Similar: vexed question / quandary / dilemma /puzzle / enigma / mystery / poser / facer / stumper

a question asked for amusement, typically one with a pun in its answer; a riddle.
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Old 07-14-2022, 04:28 PM   #2532
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Old 07-17-2022, 12:03 PM   #2533
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yeah about that..
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Old 07-20-2022, 11:02 PM   #2534
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This one needs a little background.

Our national carrier Qantas has received a deluge of complaints regarding getting the airline back in operation after our Covid shutdown. On top of this the CEO has a new pay rise taking him to an annual salary of +$22M

So, on to the joke......

A man is alone in an airport lounge. A beautiful woman walks in and sit down at the table next to him.

He decides because she's wearing a uniform, she's probably an off-duty flight attendant.

So he decides to have a go at picking her up by identifying the airline she flies for, thereby impressing her greatly.

He leans across to her and says the British Airways motto :

'To Fly. To Serve'?

The woman looks at him blankly

He sits back and thinks up another line.

He leans forward again and delivers the Air France motto

'Winning the hearts of the world'?

Again she just stares at him with a slightly puzzled look on her face.

Undeterred, he tries again, this time saying the Malaysian Airlines motto

'Going beyond expectations'?

The woman looks at him sternly and says

'What the f**k do you want?'

'Aha!' he says, "Qantas".
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Old 07-26-2022, 02:45 PM   #2535
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Old 07-26-2022, 03:15 PM   #2536
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Andy G View Post
This one needs a little background.

Our national carrier Qantas has received a deluge of complaints regarding getting the airline back in operation after our Covid shutdown. On top of this the CEO has a new pay rise taking him to an annual salary of +$22M

So, on to the joke......

A man is alone in an airport lounge. A beautiful woman walks in and sit down at the table next to him.

He decides because she's wearing a uniform, she's probably an off-duty flight attendant.

So he decides to have a go at picking her up by identifying the airline she flies for, thereby impressing her greatly.

He leans across to her and says the British Airways motto :

'To Fly. To Serve'?

The woman looks at him blankly

He sits back and thinks up another line.

He leans forward again and delivers the Air France motto

'Winning the hearts of the world'?

Again she just stares at him with a slightly puzzled look on her face.

Undeterred, he tries again, this time saying the Malaysian Airlines motto

'Going beyond expectations'?

The woman looks at him sternly and says

'What the f**k do you want?'

'Aha!' he says, "Qantas".

Qantas must be partners with United
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Old 07-29-2022, 08:35 PM   #2537
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Old 07-30-2022, 11:03 AM   #2538
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@BruceK, I sorta did something like that once. In order to not look like a fool, I blamed it on Bigfoot
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Old 08-05-2022, 07:25 PM   #2539
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Old 08-06-2022, 07:17 PM   #2540
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Big Billboard Sign on Highway...

HOTEL "PRETTTY GIRL" Women Owned!!

Ted, a tired salesman, stops in for a quick night's sleep:

At checkout...

Customer, Ted - Good Morning, I'd like to pay my one night bill

Clerk, Jen - That will be $250.00 please

Customer, Ted - $250 is way too much for a few hours sleep in that small room's single bed, I won't pay it

Clerk, Jen - That's our price

Ted - Please get the manager

Manager, Pam arrives - Yes, can I assist

Jen - Ted thinks $250 is too much for the room and does not want to pay

Manager, Pam - But Ted... that's our cost

Ted - That's simply way too much for only a few hours sleep

Pam - Ted... we also have a theater, pool and tennis court you could use; as well as sauna, hot tub and exercise club ready for you to use. We can't help it if you chose not to use those fun features. The price is still $250 whether you take advantage of that fun or not.

Ted - Here's a check for payment

Pam - But Ted, that check is for only $50.00

Ted - I was ready for you to sleep with me. My cost for that is $200.00. I can't help it if you chose not to use that fun feature. The price is still $200 whether you take advantage of that fun or not. Enjoy your day!
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