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Old 09-24-2021, 09:43 PM   #2401
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Old 09-25-2021, 01:19 PM   #2402
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Old 09-25-2021, 08:24 PM   #2403
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Old 09-28-2021, 10:40 AM   #2404
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I have everything that I wanted as a teenager, only 60 years later. I don't have to go to school or work. I get an allowance every month. I have my own pad. I don't have a curfew. I have a driver's license and my own car. The people I hang around with are not scared of getting pregnant and I don't have acne. Life is great. I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People get out of the way much faster now.
Gone are the days when girls used to cook like their mothers. Now they drink like their fathers.
I didn't make it to the gym today. That makes five years in a row. I decided to stop calling the bathroom "John" and renamed it the "Jim". I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.
Old age is coming at a really bad time.
When I was a child I thought "nap time" was a punishment. Now it feels like a small vacation.
The biggest lie I tell myself is... " I don't have to write that down, I'll remember it".
I don't have gray hair... I have "wisdom highlights"! I'm just very wise.
If God wanted me to touch my toes, He would've put them on my knees.
Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators. We haven't met yet.
Why do I have to press one for English when you're just going to transfer me to someone I can't understand anyway?
Of course, I talk to myself. Sometimes I need expert advice.
At my age "Getting Lucky" means walking into a room and remembering what I came In there for.
I have more friends I should send this to, but right now I can't remember their names.
Now, I'm wondering... did I send this to you, or did you send it to me?
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Old 09-28-2021, 11:21 AM   #2405
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This ad is a divorce lawn sale; great jewelry and silverware - reduced prices!

Make sure you come before noon today.

Wife's plane lands about then.
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Old 09-28-2021, 07:27 PM   #2406
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Old 09-29-2021, 10:01 PM   #2407
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Talk about a unified theory! It explains so many things.
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Old 10-02-2021, 10:14 AM   #2408
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I asked the Barman for the WiFi code. He said buy a drink first.


So I did.


He then handed me a slip of paper.


On it was written :-


" WiFi code is 'buyadrinkfirst' All lower case, no spaces.
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Old 10-20-2021, 08:05 AM   #2409
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Critical detector

I try to keep this bit of wisdom in mind when working on the boat....
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Some things are worth doing simply because they are worth doing.
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Old 10-20-2021, 09:16 AM   #2410
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PB - Exactly!!!
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Old 10-26-2021, 06:48 PM   #2411
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How true and what a great photo!
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Old 10-28-2021, 10:02 PM   #2412
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Old 10-30-2021, 06:25 PM   #2413
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New! Facebook Direct!

A friend has devised a new personalized form of Facebook. No more tiresome posting! He calls it "Face to Face".

He walks down local streets approaching passers by who might look vaguely familiar, telling them what he has been doing earlier that day in minute detail, like shopping, showering, tidying the yard,cooking, and repeating news from relatives and friends they won`t know. To illustrate, he displays photos, of recent meals, gardening activity, washing the car, of the grandchildren living overseas with parents, the cat asleep on the lounge, the dog playing ball, himself standing in front of important buildings and monuments,fascinating stuff they desperately lap up.
After just a few days, thrilled with the success, he already boasts of 4 new followers, 2 police officers, a private detective, and a psychiatrist.
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Old 10-31-2021, 04:45 AM   #2414
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Last night was the official end of BST - British Summer Time. The clocks change, giving, this time, an extra hour in bed. Next time, in the Spring, we lose that hour.


A poster on the joke thread on the YBW Forum posted :-


" Bad news for Dyslexics. On the 31st October your Cocks go Black..............."
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Old 11-04-2021, 10:30 PM   #2415
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Jarrow Lily View Post
Last night was the official end of BST - British Summer Time. The clocks change, giving, this time, an extra hour in bed. Next time, in the Spring, we lose that hour.


A poster on the joke thread on the YBW Forum posted :-


" Bad news for Dyslexics. On the 31st October your Cocks go Black..............."
At the risk of descending into what a friend calls "smut". Recently Tim Paine, Aussie Cricket Captain(and wicket keeper),suffered a back injury. A Sports journalist, intending to report the radiology finding of "a bulging disc" accidentally identified the condition as "a bulging dick". Contacted for comment about the "bulging dick" reference,Tim Paine dryly observed "Sounds right".
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Old 11-08-2021, 06:32 AM   #2416
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Murphy'sReal Laws

1. Everyone has a photographic memory.
Some don't have film.

2He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

3. day without sunshine is like, well, night.

4. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

5. Back up my hard drive? How do I put it in reverse?

6.I just got lost in thought.
It was unfamiliar territory.

7. When the chips are down the buffalo is empty.

8. Seen it all. Done it all. Can't remember most of it.

9. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

10. I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

11. He's not dead.
He's electroencephalographically challenged.


12. She's always late. In fact,

her ancestors arrived on the "Juneflower."




13.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ You┬ have the right to remain silent.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Anything


you say will be misquoted,┬ ┬ and
used against you.


14.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ I┬ wonder how much deeper the ocean
would be without┬ sponges.


┬ ┬ 5.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Honk if you love peace and quiet.




16.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Pardon┬ my driving, I'm reloading.


17.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Despite┬ the cost of living,

have you noticed how it remains so┬ popular?




18.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Nothing┬ is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.


19.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ It┬ is hard to understand how a cemetery

can raise its burial costs and blame┬ it


on the higher cost of living.


20.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Just┬ remember if it wasn't for gravity, we'd all fall off.
(Or┬ up)


┬ 21.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ The┬ 50-50-90 rule:┬ ┬ ┬ ┬

Anytime┬ you have a 50-50 chance

of getting something right,

there's a 90%┬ probability


you'll get it wrong.


┬ ┬ 22.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ It┬ is said that if you line up all the

cars in the world end to end, someone


would be stupid enough to try and pass┬ ┬ them.


23.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ You┬ can't have everything.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬
Where┬ would you put it ?


24.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Latest┬ survey shows that

3 out of 4 people make up 75%┬ of


the┬ world population.


25. If the shoe fits, get another┬ one just like it.


26.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ The┬ things that come to those that wait may be the things
left┬ by┬ those who got there first.


27.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Give┬ a man a fish and he will eat for a day.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬

Teach┬ a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day


drinking.


28.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Flashlight:┬ ┬ ┬ ┬

A┬ ┬ case for holding dead batteries.




29.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ The┬ shin bone is a device for finding furniture.




30.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ A┬ ┬ fine is a tax for doing wrong.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬
A┬ tax is a fine for doing well.


31.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ It was┬ ┬ recently discovered that research
causes cancer in┬ rats.


32.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ Everybody┬ lies,
but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.


33.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ I┬ wished the buck stopped here, as I could use a┬ ┬ few.


34.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ I┬ started out with nothing,
and I still have most of┬ it.


35.┬ ┬ ┬ ┬ When┬ you go into court,

you are putting yourself in the hands

of 12 people who┬ ┬ weren't smart enough

to get out of jury┬ ┬ duty.
















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Old 11-10-2021, 10:35 PM   #2417
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Emergency Room chat between Doctor and Nurse:
Doctor "How`s that kid that swallowed the bunch of coins going"?
Nurse " No change yet"
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Old 11-14-2021, 05:03 PM   #2418
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There is a huge difference between a guy and a girl saying " I went through a whole box of tissues during that movie! "
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Old 11-15-2021, 01:25 PM   #2419
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Quote:
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There is a huge difference between a guy and a girl saying " I went through a whole box of tissues during that movie! "

That's disturbing . . .
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Old 11-16-2021, 12:58 PM   #2420
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"That's disturbing . . ."


Especially if its your job to pick them off the floor!
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