cruising and personal relationships

[kokopelliTim]

This might begin a new brouhaha....but I do have some serious questions.

I have lived aboard for several years, and cruised some by myself or with friends.
Now I find I am getting into a serious relationship. In a house, living on land situation she and I would probably do well. (we have both been married a few times; so we have an idea what we are getting into.)

I am retired and once land responsibilities end (taking care of an elderly mom) , I am planning on cruising, at the very least living aboard and never returning to live on land.

She says she is ok with this and wants to do this too.

But she has the romance of boating, cruising, all the good stuff in her head. I try to explain the bad, ugly, awful times when you think that if someone gave me some money right now....I would give them this boat.

But she does not seem to be able to understand.

SO, how to really get her to "know". I would like the relationship to work, BUT I will not give up my dream (again) for her.

And I really want her to want this and understand.

I currently have no boat, so we cannot go for a short cruise to experience some things.

Chartering is out....that would reinforce the romantic ideas and not the real ideas.

I do not want to lead her on to a bad experience. I really want to be fair.

So. What could we do? What could I say?

There is a LOT of experience on this forum and I have learned to listen and choose some good ideas.

Thanks.

 

[Lou_tribal]

Put your bed, kitchen, toilet and everything you need in a single room. Pour some humidity and water on the walls and spend 2 weeks in the room without ever going out. Then you can explain her that this will be her life if it is raining during two weeks while you are aboard Than add 1 week where she is forced to put her hands in a bucket of oil every day, and explain her that this is when she will need to help you to maintain the boat mechanics. Than rent a truck and ask her to drive it on an ice field and explain her that this is how she will feel when she will have to handle the boat.
If after all this she is still ok, well marry her

L.

 

[Baker]

I think you might be selling her short. I think the biggest problem here is you do not have a boat. If you did, then you could introduce her to boating. In the meantime, I would say let her have her dream.

I know of a couple cruising right now where I was worried about her and her perception of "the dream". They are cruising and loving it! And I think the reason why they are loving it is because they love each other and are just happy to be together.

Ultimately, you are viewing it as YOUR dream. She has her dream in her head. Just bring those two dreams together. And that requires you to be a little more open to what she thinks it's all about. You seem to be viewing her as an accessory to, or even a hindrance to your dream. You have to be able to see her as a participant.

 

[Acheron2010]

Try her out wilderness camping. Similar environment, similar stresses. But, Lou is closer to the truth.
There are crew positions available on boats headed to the Caribbean that would give her a taste...

 

[Sailor of Fortune]

Try her out wilderness camping. Similar environment, similar stresses. But, Lou is closer to the truth.
There are crew positions available on boats headed to the Caribbean that would give her a taste...

I think this would not be a good representation of the lifestyle. A delivery crew wouldn't care about stops to enjoy local attractions and may push weather limits beyond what a cruising couple would accept.

 

[BandB]

Wifey B: Every decision we make in life is a gamble and we might regret. So, if you bought a boat and tried it together, what's the worse that happens? You move back to land together? That's not so bad. Biggest negative is money lost on boat.

You think she doesn't know. I think you don't. Will you like cruising with her? No idea. You're at another time and place in life, so cruising won't be like it once was. I still think certain aspects of a charter could be beneficial.

Do some role playing. Yes, there are all types of role playing. Pretend you're buying a certain boat. Then start talking in detail, making lists, of what you can and can't carry aboard. Talk of a month's cruising and what you'd do. Spend some time by the water like anchored, doing nothing, not moving. Talk specifically of all the tasks onboard and who would do what.

At some point do some onland living together. Don't imagine you'd do well. See how you'd do. At least that's a step, then do a month without some of the amenities, just using part of the house, looking at cruising blogs and videos.

Read some cruising books together that tell it all, tell the bad as well as the gooe. People encounter problems.

 

[AusCan]

I may be wrong, but it seems your biggest concern is that you do not want to be put in the position of deciding between continuing the relationship and continuing your dream of cruising.

Somehow you need to merge these two choices into one. Sounds easy, but if you've seen a few broken relationships and broken dreams, you know it's not always so simple.

 

[ksanders]

OK, you have made it clear thsat with or without her you are going to live on a boat and go cruising.

So...

Buy a boat. You are not married (I think) so buy a boat you would like.

If she likes the lifestyle great. If she does not get into it, well, you have made your choice already.

 

[Acheron2010]

Crew requests are not just for delivery crews trying to make a deadline.

http://latitude38.com/crewlist/cruising/skipper_results.lasso

Feel free to contribute your own idea.

 

[dhays]

This might begin a new brouhaha....but I do have some serious questions.



I have lived aboard for several years, and cruised some by myself or with friends.

Now I find I am getting into a serious relationship. In a house, living on land situation she and I would probably do well. (we have both been married a few times; so we have an idea what we are getting into.)

While I generally try to be inoffensive, I likely will offend a LOT of TF folks with this but...

I think the underlying problem is that both of you don't have the foggiest idea of how to make a marriage work, only how to get into and out of them. As Kevin said, you have already decided that you will live on a boat and go cruising, you just don't know if this woman will want to do it with you. What you are saying is that this woman is NOT your top priority. There is nothing wrong with that, but without that commitment this relationship will not work long term.

Get a boat you like, move on board, and see if the woman follows you. If she does great. If she lasts for only a few weeks or a few years that is fine. When the relationship ends, find another woman who is willing to serve as crew, companion, and bed warmer.

 

[kokopelliTim]

Well of course you are right!
Have not offended me!

It is easier to get and out of a relationship than to make it work! Said the man divorced a few times and wanting to escape life by living on a boat

I suppose my underlying concern is....I do not want to lead her on in any way....I want her to be involved, be a part of, not just doing my dream, but her dream too.

Perhaps we just need counseling from a professional about this

 

[HeadMistress]

You could try living in a 30' Winnebago parked in a field 20 miles from the nearest grocery (or any other kind) store for 3 months...even better if during a season of really rotten weather. You'd still be able to get back and forth to your mother every day, but she can't leave the bus.

If she's still speaking to you after that I think she'll be ok on a boat.

 

[Benthic2]

You already stated that your dream is more important than your relationsip ( "I won't give up my dream again" ) So...live your dream....let her tag along for as long as she wants. If she likes it, she'll stay...if she doesn't, she won't. I don't mean to sound cold...but if you have already decided the lifestyle is more important than she is, then you've made your decision....at some point she'll make hers....it will work out or it wont. Cross that bridge when you come to it.

 

[FlyWright]

Try her out wilderness camping. Similar environment, similar stresses. But, Lou is closer to the truth.
There are crew positions available on boats headed to the Caribbean that would give her a taste...

What kind of boat do you have that is like wilderness camping?

 

[kev_rm]

You could try living in a 30' Winnebago parked in a field 20 miles from the nearest grocery (or any other kind) store for 3 months...even better if during a season of really rotten weather. You'd still be able to get back and forth to your mother every day, but she can't leave the bus.

If she's still speaking to you after that I think she'll be ok on a boat.

this.

Small space will amplify the + and - No way around that.

 

[BandB]

While I generally try to be inoffensive, I likely will offend a LOT of TF folks with this but...

I think the underlying problem is that both of you don't have the foggiest idea of how to make a marriage work, only how to get into and out of them. As Kevin said, you have already decided that you will live on a boat and go cruising, you just don't know if this woman will want to do it with you. What you are saying is that this woman is NOT your top priority. There is nothing wrong with that, but without that commitment this relationship will not work long term.

Get a boat you like, move on board, and see if the woman follows you. If she does great. If she lasts for only a few weeks or a few years that is fine. When the relationship ends, find another woman who is willing to serve as crew, companion, and bed warmer.

Wifey B: A lot of truth to what you say. I didn't read it as he was going to cruise regardless, but I also didn't see any degree of being sure he wanted to be with her. Like ships passing in the night.

They do both need to examine their priorities and feelings. Also, don't try to fit conventional definitions. If you want to be together as long as it works, but no lifelong commitment, that's fine. I've seen people who really just aren't made for marriage and hold them in high regard. Especially as you get older it's often true you're less willing to sacrifice to be together. Let whatever happens happen, but don't fight it.

I only can work from one marriage, my own, as my parents had a lousy marriage and so did his. But, the words above, "top priority." I know my hubby would give up anything for me, but then I'd never ask him to give up anything. I just know though that we are the top priority to each other. Everything else isn't just second, it's a very very distant second.

None of us even know you and the woman so we couldn't possibly know what will or won't work. An oddsmaker would put lousy odds on it, but you could defy the odds.

 

[BandB]

BUT I will not give up my dream (again) for her.

And I really want her to want this and understand.

.

Wifey B: I missed that line the first time. Go cruise. If she doesn't like it, I sure hope she walks. You still hold a previous wife responsible for giving up your dream and already putting that on her. No, you don't really want this with her. She's not your dream. It's the boat. You really want that and it's like "well, I'd sort of like if she came alone, you know for companionship and some sex, but if not no big deal." Does she know that you're not going to give up cruising for her? May be why she's saying she'll do it.

 

[hmason]

There is a simple test she can take which will immediately let you know if she is suited to the liveaboard life. Simply buy her a copy of the Head Mistress' book and see if she hangs around after reading it.

 

[CPseudonym]

Buy a secondhand tent trailer. A few camping trips in that and a 40 year old cruising boat will seem like a Hilton to her.

Seriously though, has she ever spent time outdoors? City gal or country? Those questions are irrelevant if you plan to cruise a new 60+' boat, but the further your boat is away from that size and age they become a whole lot more important. Camping even in a luxury bus is nothing like boating, I can step off the bus and walk around anytime.

 

[gaston]

Quote we have both been married a few times




Id say 2 houses on opposite corners on 100000 acres would be a better thought

 

[Lepke]

Buy a boat now before you're married. That way when she leaves, you'll still have the boat.

 

[BandB]

Buy a boat now before you're married. That way when she leaves, you'll still have the boat.

Wifey B: Married? Surely not with their records. Really, what would be the reason for actually marrying? Live in sin.

 

[fryedaze]

I don't get it. We have never had a bad day on the boat All GOOD, no BAD, no UGLY. But then my wife picked our boat and she is like a crate trained dog who loves her crate. Only dog owner will get it.
When guys find out my wifes attitude about boating they rush to bring their reluctant spouses by to see if she can convert them. Its really pretty funny.

 

[BandB]

I don't get it. We have never had a bad day on the boat All GOOD, no BAD, no UGLY. But then my wife picked our boat and she is like a crate trained dog who loves her crate. Only dog owner will get it.
When guys find out my wifes attitude about boating they rush to bring their reluctant spouses by to see if she can convert them. Its really pretty funny.

Wifey B: We've never had a bad day on the water either, but then as long as we're together there are no bad days. We both love boating. But it's not the first love for either of us. Still, if someone doesn't like something, convincing them to change isn't likely. She convinced against her will, remains unconvinced still. In this case the OP's friend expresses a desire for boating. So, it's not convincing, but showing and seeing.

 

[Bacchus]

You could try living in a 30' Winnebago parked in a field 20 miles from the nearest grocery (or any other kind) store for 3 months...even better if during a season of really rotten weather. You'd still be able to get back and forth to your mother every day, but she can't leave the bus.

If she's still speaking to you after that I think she'll be ok on a boat.

Funny... I was thinking similar thoughts.
I have a 31 Winnebago for sale if interested? [emoji12]

 

[markpierce]

I imagine the vast majority of women would prefer to be on a cruise ship rather than being tossed around in a small boat in the open sea.



YMCA ...

 

[BruceK]

You already stated that your dream is more important than your relationsip ( "I won't give up my dream again" ) So...live your dream....let her tag along for as long as she wants. If she likes it, she'll stay...if she doesn't, she won't. I don't mean to sound cold...but if you have already decided the lifestyle is more important than she is, then you've made your decision....at some point she'll make hers....it will work out or it wont. Cross that bridge when you come to it.

Inescapably good logic well put.
And if you proceed, and you want to test the onboard relationship early, start a discussion about the best kind of anchor.

 

[Turner]

I think you might be selling her short. I think the biggest problem here is you do not have a boat. If you did, then you could introduce her to boating. In the meantime, I would say let her have her dream.

I know of a couple cruising right now where I was worried about her and her perception of "the dream". They are cruising and loving it! And I think the reason why they are loving it is because they love each other and are just happy to be together.

Ultimately, you are viewing it as YOUR dream. She has her dream in her head. Just bring those two dreams together. And that requires you to be a little more open to what she thinks it's all about. You seem to be viewing her as an accessory to, or even a hindrance to your dream. You have to be able to see her as a participant.

Well said!

 

[BandB]

I imagine the vast majority of women would prefer to be on a cruise ship rather than being tossed around in a small boat in the open sea.


YMCA ...

Wifey B: Actually the majority of men too. But then there are those of us who are true boaters and while some, like you, love cruise ships, others of us don't even think of that as boating. Would rather be at sea in a small boat anytime.

 

[Dougcole]

I'd rather have all of my teeth knocked out with a ball peen hammer than spend a week on a cruise ship. But that's just me.