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Old 05-05-2017, 12:34 AM   #41
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...my wife..is like a crate trained dog .
wow.

ps

I lived on a cruise ship for four and a half years.....its not that bad.
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Old 05-05-2017, 05:39 AM   #42
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Living on a boat , tied to a dock is one lifestyle.

Constant cruising is a vastly different lifestyle

Decide which you prefer and show her that lifestyle.

There are blogs from folks delighted to be aground in their coffee grounds,

There are blogs of folks actually living well enjoying cruising .

Select some of each for her to read.

If you can try to visit a couple of couples with each lifestyle.
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Old 05-05-2017, 10:27 AM   #43
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Okay, woman here. My dream was/is to live aboard. I purchased a boat with those capabilities and room for guests and my dog. I have spent many hours maintaining her and getting her the way I like it. Maybe get her involved in decorating. Possibly engine work if she is willing and able. If not, agree to who will do what. Owning a boat needs cleaning, dusting, etc., just like a house. Hauling laundry to a marina laundrymat is also something that needs to be done. Make a list of things she is willing to do and things you are willing to do. DO NOT give up the house right away. Get used to the boat and both of you need to be able to operate the systems alone.

I purchased my boat in September and just a few months after my purchase, I have a mate who has gone in partner with me. I still know the systems better than him, but we will be enjoying it together for now. Will it work? I don't know. I'm living in the moment. I have kept my house and currently do not live aboard. Maybe someday, maybe not. I'm just happy knowing she is there whenever I want to escape , whether alone with my dog, or with my new partner. He now has a vested interest, but most if not all decisions are made by me. It works.

Nothing ventured, nothing gained.
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Old 05-05-2017, 10:38 AM   #44
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[QUOTE=Lepke;550299]Buy a boat now before you're married. That way when she leaves


Not in Alaska, she may have the boat but you will be left with the shaft!!
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Old 05-05-2017, 10:40 AM   #45
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Tim this is Donna.

Donna meet Tim.

As the old joke goes, please send pictures of boat and motor.
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Old 05-05-2017, 10:43 AM   #46
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[QUOTE=Al;550527]
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Buy a boat now before you're married. That way when she leaves


Not in Alaska, she may have the boat but you will be left with the shaft!!
My split would be she keeps the used oil and filters and all the maintenance bills, I keep the boat. I think this is fair.


L.
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Old 05-05-2017, 10:44 AM   #47
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Tim this is Donna.

Donna meet Tim.

As the old joke goes, please send pictures of boat and motor.
LOL! Love it!
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Old 05-05-2017, 10:52 AM   #48
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Tim this is Donna.

Donna meet Tim.

As the old joke goes, please send pictures of boat and motor.
Wow! TF is now a dating site. Who would have ever known
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Old 05-05-2017, 11:17 AM   #49
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Wow! TF is now a dating site. Who would have ever known
"Bow Wow" There fixed it.
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Old 05-05-2017, 02:41 PM   #50
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Just reading all these ideas, suggestions, stories and thoughts has lightened my day and load.
Thank you.

I am going to pass this link along to her and let her read and consider the comments.

As for TF being a dating site....I think Donna said she had a partner and I am growing in this relationship that i hope will be a solid partnership.

We shall see.
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Old 05-05-2017, 04:30 PM   #51
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Just reading all these ideas, suggestions, stories and thoughts has lightened my day and load.
Thank you.

I am going to pass this link along to her and let her read and consider the comments.

As for TF being a dating site....I think Donna said she had a partner and I am growing in this relationship that i hope will be a solid partnership.

We shall see.
Good luck sir.
It does take a special kind of person to endure/enjoy full time cruising.
Take it a day or so at a time and see how you both fair.

All the best to both of you.
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Old 05-05-2017, 04:34 PM   #52
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Good luck sir.
It does take a special kind of person to endure/enjoy full time cruising.
Take it a day or so at a time and see how you both fair.

All the best to both of you.
Wifey B: I know most are probably unaware, but recognizing what today is might help, even though it was supposed to be all day.

https://www.timeanddate.com/holidays/fun/no-pants-day

There are many other often overlooked holidays:

https://www.timeanddate.com/holidays/fun/

Good luck, however things work out.
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Old 05-05-2017, 04:51 PM   #53
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I'm going to open up another idea, and one that I think comes up fairly often.

That is the situation where a spouse does not have the same cruising dreams that the other person in the relationship has.

I think that does not mean that the "cruising dreamer" has to abandon their dreams for the spouse that doesn't want to go cruising. Nor does the "non cruising" spouse have to be forced into something they don't want to do.

My opinion is that if you have a dream to cruise, go for it. If you have a strong relationship then you and your spouse will work it out. Both you and your spouse have this one little life to live, and you each have dreams.

That doesn't mean that you get to sell the house and force your spouse into a lifestyle they do not want. What it means is that you should be able to fulfill your dreams, and there should be nothing to feel guilty about.

In order to make it work you could go for a few weeks or a month, or some period of time then go home for awhile. Then when the "cruise itch" hits again take off and go cruising.

I'm a good example of this challenge. My wife whom I have spent a lifetime with is good for about a week at a time on the boat. I have dreams of traveling back down the pacific coast from Alaska and possibly into Mexico. I also have dreams of doing the Great Loop someday. She might not be inclined to spend that much time on any boat. She honestly does not know.

But I do not have to give up my dreams just because she may not want to do the same things I want to do. I could if it came to it, be perfectly happy making the trip myself, in segments. There would not (and should not) be any marital challenges if I end up voyaging alone.

Possibly she will come along for part of the way. Possibly she will fly down to meet me. I would certainly not do it in one long stretch anyway.

Heck, I go down to the boat for several days at a time to do maintenance and just chill out now. Not all that much difference if it was longer stretches.
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Old 05-05-2017, 05:00 PM   #54
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I think it's a bit unfair to say he's putting his dream above his relationship and/or that the relationship isn't a top priority.
He did say it was a fairly new relationship and just starting to get serious.
I think the fact that she is interested (whether she really understands all it entails or not is not the point) is all that matters. That's a good foundation.
Make your plans, get your boat when you're ready and give it a try. Take it from there.

If she had zero interest then I'd say go ahead and end it right now..no common basis to continue the relationship.

Good luck and I hope it works out for both of you.
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Old 05-05-2017, 05:13 PM   #55
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Kevin

I think every couple defines their relationship. The concept of "traditional marriage" has been proved to not work for many. Most of us happily married don't do it like our parents or grandparents. My wife and I are certainly not traditional. Then as you age, I think relationships must reflect that. You've developed strong likes and dislikes. At 30, you might be exposed to new things and change. As you age, you become more fixed in your ways. Doesn't mean you can't change. Later marriages though see couples fighting over things that neither can change or wants to change.

I also used the word "relationship." Marriage is often not financially or otherwise logical. Florida has hundreds of thousands of older married couples together because benefits would be reduced if they married and/or because the spouse would then be subject to being wiped our financially in the event of illness of the other spouse.

I'd say for two people who have been married numerous times, then marriage isn't likely their best choice. It doesn't sound romantic but enter into an understanding. Don't worry so much about 5 years or 10 years from now because you really have little idea about either. Leave escape routes. Far better to end it that to stay with it suffering. Can be something as simple as if it doesn't work, dear, I'll get you to an airport and help you get on your way home from wherever we are.

I know many here believe strongly in the words "Till Death Does Us Part". Rather ominous tone to those words and not particularly a good reason to remain together just waiting for death. Forever? Nothing's forever. We fully expect to be together forever, but we had a problem with "till death does us part." If either of us became unhappy, we didn't want to stay just because we'd said we would. We want to stay together because we still want to be together. So, our vows were "As long as it works for both of us." I think anyone who knows us would know there is no more committed couple than us (although some say need to be committed), but we just didn't want traditional wording.

Every relationship is different. Don't try to copy others and don't let others tell you how yours should be or what you should do. Most of our divorced friends were really pushed into marriage by others or felt pressured by society. They're good people. Even one former couple that married strictly for business and political reasons. They're still best friends but finally felt it was ok to end the marriage.

But do communicate. Take notes. Sounds silly, but if writing it sinks in better and if the two of you can put your thoughts more to paper, then you know you've expressed what you meant to. That's what I mean by "understanding". Not anything binding. A lot of what the OP has written here, but should have been to her, not to us, because we can't make his relationship decisions.
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Old 05-05-2017, 05:20 PM   #56
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Possibly she will come along for part of the way. Possibly she will fly down to meet me. I would certainly not do it in one long stretch anyway.

Heck, I go down to the boat for several days at a time to do maintenance and just chill out now. Not all that much difference if it was longer stretches.

Excellent point Kevin. Successful couples find many ways of working out their lives together, and it isn't always spending all their time together. A buddy and colleague of mine decided that he wanted to cruise on his sailboat. He had a couple issue however. The first is that he still needed to work. The second is that his wife doesn't share the same desire.

So he takes off on the boat, sails for a few weeks, then flies back home to work and wife. His wife flies down for short periods but the rest of the time he is either solo or he invites friends along. It works out great for them both.
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Old 05-05-2017, 05:34 PM   #57
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BandB #55
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Old 05-05-2017, 05:58 PM   #58
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You both want to cruise but you are afraid she might actually like it? I'm confused. Someone who does not want to cruise would be better? Stay single and try a charter for 2 weeks. Then you will know before anything is semi-permanent.
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Old 05-05-2017, 08:18 PM   #59
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I'm going to open up another idea, and one that I think comes up fairly often.

That is the situation where a spouse does not have the same cruising dreams that the other person in the relationship has.

I think that does not mean that the "cruising dreamer" has to abandon their dreams for the spouse that doesn't want to go cruising. Nor does the "non cruising" spouse have to be forced into something they don't want to do.

My opinion is that if you have a dream to cruise, go for it. If you have a strong relationship then you and your spouse will work it out. Both you and your spouse have this one little life to live, and you each have dreams.

That works for my wife and I. Our dreams are not the same, but they certainly have considerable overlap. We know where they differ, and we try to help each other live out their dreams whether we share them or not. We cruise together often, although mostly in fine weather and fairly calm seas. Often my wife goes on an all girls holiday with her friends, and/or I go on a boys fishing cruise in open water where it is not quite so idilic. We have a much better time than if we had tried to do the same thing together as a couple. That doesn't weaken our relationship; it makes it stronger.
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Old 05-05-2017, 10:20 PM   #60
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Regarding your post #55

That is a excellent post, and provides great thought provoking ideas.

This concept of "marriage" is evolving, in some very good ways, and in some ways I think it is not so good at all.

In my parents generation the "till death do us part" concept was taken literally. The result in some cases was incompatible people living a lifetime of misery. Many lifetimes were wasted, stuck in a unhappy situation. Not much is worse in my opinion than a wasted life.

Fast foreward to today and we have a different attitude towards marriage, with the thought of "as long as it works for me" (as you described). This solved the "ruined lives" syndrome, which is good, but it caused some problems as well.

The challenge is that as you know relationships are not always easy. Just living with another human being that has their own wants, desires, and dreams is requires significant effort and compromise.

With todays attitude towards marriage we might tend to give up on the marriage without taking the time and effort to work through the inevitable issues you find with any relationship. This in my opinion can create a society where we bounce from relationship to relationship, never learning how to work out issues, and finding that the next partner has different but just as substantial issues to deal with. In the end many are unsuccessful at holding down a long term relationship. Are they happier? Are their lives better? Or would they be happier in the end building the skills necessary to have a successful marriage?

This can have serious financial implications as well. Bouncing from marriage to marriage, relationship to relationship can seriously hamper the building of wealth that often comes from a long term marriage. Yes I know that a successful marriage is not directly connected to wealth building. I just know many people that have had to "start over" time and time again while there counterparts with stable relationships seem to be better off financially. Maybe I'm off base In drawing that correlation, but it's just what I've seen.

Anyway, great post on your part, and great food for thought.
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