Joke

*

While creating wives, God promised men that
<blockquote style="margin-top:5pt;margin-bottom:5pt;">good and obedient wives would be found in all<br style="color:#000000;" />corners of the world.


*
<blockquote style="margin-top:5pt;margin-bottom:5pt;">And then He made the earth round.

In the words of Grimmy, "man is not dogs' best friend. Your best friend will not neuter you".

Rescue at sea

Just sent to me by a friend----

Her Diary, His Diary

Her Diary:

Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it.

Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much. I asked him what was wrong; He said, 'Nothing.' I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it.

On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior I don't know why he didn't say, 'I love you, too.' When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent.

Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else.. He fell asleep - I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.



His Diary:

Boat wouldn't start, can't figure out why.

As I was lying in bed pondering the problems of the world,
I rapidly realized that I don't really give a darn.
It's the tortoise life for me!

1. If walking/cycling is good for your health, the postman would be immortal.

2. A whale swims all day, eats only krill, drinks water, and is fat.

3. A rabbit runs and hops and only lives 15 years.

4. A tortoise doesn't run, moves at glacial speed,
and does nothing strenuous, yet it lives for 450 years.

And you tell me to exercise?? I don't think so.

I'm retired. Go around me!

FF wrote:

It's the tortoise life for me!* ...

*
I'm retired. Go around me!

Click to expand...

*I've adopted the life of a cat: eat, sleep, play.

*

Dog (Earl)*and cat (Mooch)*lying on the beach ...

Mooch:*"I didn't know we were on vacation, Earl."

Earl: "You've been napping, eating, and goofing off at the beach all week!* What did you think you were doing!?!"

Mooch: "Working outside the office."

Marin wrote:

His Diary:

Boat wouldn't start, can't figure out why.

Click to expand...

*The only time my boat hasn't started was when the gear lever was just a bit off center/neutral.

The Pentagon announced today the formation of a new 500-man elite fighting unit called the US Redneck Special Forces (USRSF). These southern boys will be dropped in Afghanistan knowing only these facts about terrorists.

*

1. The season opened today.

2. There is no limit.

3. They taste just like chicken.

4. They don't like beer, pickups, country music or Jesus.

5. They are directly responsible for the death of Dale Earnhardt.

*

The Pentagon expects the problem in Afghanistan to be over by Monday.

A Male Fairy Tale


Once upon a time, a Prince asked a beautiful Princess, "Will you marry me?" The Princess said, "No!!!" And the Prince lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and dated skinny long-legged full-breasted women and hunted and fished and raced cars and went to naked bars and dated ladies half his age and drank whiskey, beer and Captain Morgan and never heard bitching and never paid child support or alimony and banged cheerleaders and kept his house and guns and ate spam and potato chips and beans and blew enormous farts and never got cheated on while he was at work and all his friends and family thought he was frikin cool as hell and he had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up.



The End

The New Tale of the

Ant and the Grasshopper





This one is a little different ....
Two Different Versions ...
Two Different Morals


OL D VERSION

The ant works
hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter.

The grasshopper
thinks the ant is a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.

Come winter, the ant is warm
and well fed.
The grasshopper has
no food or shelter, so he
dies out in the cold.

MORAL OF THE OLD STORY:

Be responsible for yourself!


MODERN
VERSION

The ant works hard
in the withering heat and the rain all summer long, building his house
and laying up supplies for the winter.

The grasshopper thinks the ant
is a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.

Come winter, the shivering grasshopper
calls a press conference and demands to know why the ant should be
allowed to be warm and well fed while he is cold and starving.

CBS, NBC, PBS, CNN,
and ABC show up to
provide pictures of the shivering grasshopper
next to a video of the ant
in his comfortable home with a table filled with food.
America is stunned by the sharp contrast.

How can this be, that in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper
is allowed to suffer so?

Kermit the Frog appears
on Oprah
with the grasshopper
and everybody cries when they sing,

'It's Not Easy Being Green...'

ACORN stages
a demonstration in front of the ant's
house where the news stations film the SEIU group singing, We shall overcome.

Then Rev. Jeremiah Wright
has the group kneel down to pray for the grasshopper's sake,

while he damns the ants.



President Obama condems the ant
and blames
President Bush 43, President Bush 41, President Reagan, Christopher Columbus, and the
Pope
for the grasshopper's
plight.

Nancy Pelosi & Harry Reid
exclaim in an interview with

LarryKing that the ant has
gotten rich off the back of the
grasshopper,
and both call for an immediate tax hike on the ant to make him pay his fair share.

Finally, the EEOC drafts
the Economic Equity &
Anti-Grasshopper Act
retroactive to the beginning of
the summer.

The ant is fined for failing to hire a proportionate number
of green bugs and,
having nothing left to pay his retroactive taxes, his home is confiscated by the Government GreenCzar
and given to the grasshopper.

The story ends as we see the grasshopper
and his free-loading friends finishing up the last bits of the ant's food while the government house he is in, which, as you recall, just happens to be the ant's old house,
crumbles around them because the grasshopper doesn't maintain it.

The ant has disappeared in the snow, never to be seen again.

The grasshopper is found dead in a drug related incident, and the house, now abandoned, is taken
over by a gang of spiders who terrorize the ramshackle, once prosperous and peaceful neighborhood.

The entire Nation collapses
bringing the rest
of the free world with it.


MORAL OF THE STORY:


Be careful how you vote in 2012.



I've sent this to you because I believe that you are an ant
not a grasshopper!

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make
their days interesting. Well for example, the other day I went into
town and went to a shop. I was only in there for about 5 minutes.
When I came out there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.
I went up to him an said, "Come on mate, how about giving a senior a break?"

He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. I called him a Nazi.
He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn
tyres. So I called him a piece of dog bleep . He finished the second ticket and
put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a
third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused
him, the more tickets he wrote.

Personally, I don't give a damn. I came into town by train. I try to
have a little fun each day now that I'm retired. It's important at
my age.

The Texas Department of Employment, Division of Labor Standards claimed a small
rancher was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to
investigate him.*

GOVT AGENT: I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them.*

RANCHER: Well, theres my hired hand whos been with me for 3 years. I pay him
$200 a week plus free room and board.*


Then theres the mentally challenged guy. He works about 18 hours every day and
does about 90% of all the work around here.*

He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle
of bourbon every Saturday night so he can cope with life.*

He also sleeps with my wife occasionally.*

GOVT AGENT: Thats the guy I want to talk to - the mentally challenged one.*

RANCHER: That would be me.*

I am from Alaska. The biggest state in the union.

*I hear a lot about how big Texas is.

Well I was talking to a Texan the other day.* As usual he was bragging about how big Texas was.

*He told me some days he gets in his truck and go's all day long and never sees the gate to his ranch.

I told him.

Yeah. I once had a truck like that.

My favorite Texas is so big story, is to listen politely to someone go on about how big it is and then remind him that if he doesn't watch out, they'll cut Alaska in half and make Texas the third largest state.

Got to love this, what a bloody good idea!

The Israelis are developing an airport security device that eliminates the privacy concerns that come with full-body scanners.
It's an armored booth you step into that will not X-ray you, but will detonate any explosive device you may have on your person.
Israel sees this a win-win situation for everyone, with none of this nonsense about racial profiling.
It will also eliminate long and expensive trials.

You're in the airport terminal and you hear a muffled explosion.
Shortly thereafter, an announcement:

"Attention to all standby passengers. We now have a seat available on flight 670 to London.

"Shalom!"

Heaven is Where:
The Police are British,
The Chefs are Italian,
The Mechanics are German,
The Lovers are French
and
It's all organized by the Swiss.

Hell is Where:
The Police are German,
The Chefs are British,
The Mechanics are French,
The Lovers are Swiss
and
It's all organized by the Italians.

A bald man with a wooden leg gets invited to a Halloween Party. He doesn't know what costume to wear to hide his head and his leg, So he writes to a costume company to explain his problem.
A few days later he received a parcel with the following note:

Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and, with your wooden leg, you will be just right as a pirate.
Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.

The man thinks this is terrible because they have emphasized his wooden leg and so he writes a letter of complaint. A week goes by and he receives another parcel and a note, which says:

Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a monk's costume. The long robe will cover your Wooden leg and, with your bald head, you should really look the part.

Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.


Now the man is really upset since they have gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to emphasizing his bald head, so again he writes the Company another nasty letter of complaint.
The next day he gets a small Parcel and a note, which reads:

Dear Sir,
We have TRIED our very BEST.
Please find enclosed a bottle of molasses and a bag of crushed nuts.

Pour the molasses over your bald head, pat on crushed nuts, stick your Wooden Leg up your ass and go as a caramel apple.

Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.


-- Edited by KJ on Sunday 30th of October 2011 01:37:34 AM

A group of 15-year-old girlfriends discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally, they agreed to meet at the Dairy Queen next to the Ocean View restaurant because they had only $6.00 among them and Jimmy Johnson, the cute boy in Social Studies lived on that street.
Ten years later, the group of 25-year-old girlfriends discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally, they agreed to meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the beer was cheap, the restaurant offered free snacks, the band was good, there was no cover charge and there were lots of cute guys.

*
Ten years later, the group of 35-year-old girlfriends discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally, they agreed to meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the "cosmos" were good, it was right near the gym and, if they went late enough, there wouldn't be too many whiney little kids.
*
Ten years later, the group of 45-year-old girlfriends discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally, they agreed to meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the martinis were big and the waiters had tight pants and nice buns.

Ten years later, the group of 55-year-old girlfriends discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally, they agreed to meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the prices were reasonable, the wine list was good, the restaurant had windows that opened (for hot flashes), and fish is good for cholesterol.

Ten years later, the group of 65-year-old girlfriends discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally, they agreed to meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the lighting was good and the restaurant had an "Early Bird Special."

Ten years later, the group of 75-years-old girlfriends discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally, they agreed to meet at the*Dairy Queen*because the food was not too spicy, the ice cream was soft and*it was handicapped-accessible.

Ten years later, the group of 85-years-old girlfriends discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally, they agreed to meet at the Ocean View restaurant because they had never been there before.

*


-- Edited by Keith on Friday 4th of November 2011 05:25:18 AM

One day a* fourth-grade** teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a living. * * * * *All the typical* answers came up - fireman, mechanic, businessman, salesman.... and so* forth.. * * * * * However, little Justin was* being uncharacteristically quiet, so when the teacher prodded him about his* father, he replied, "My father's an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off* all his clothes to music in front of other men and they put money in his underwear. * * * * * Sometimes,* if the offer is really good, he will go home with some guy and stay with him all night for money." * * * * * The* teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some exercises and took little Justin aside to ask him, "Is that really true about your father?" * * * * **

"No," the boy said, "He works for the Democratic National Committee and helped to get* Obama elected, but it's too embarrassing to say that in* front of the other kids."*

Two good ol' boys in a Tennessee trailer park were sitting around talking one afternoon over a cold beer after getting off of work at the local Nissan plant.
After a while the 1st guy says to the 2nd, "If'n I was to sneak over to your trailer Saturday and make love to your wife while you was off huntin' and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us kin?"
The 2nd guy crooked his head sideways for a minute, scratched his head, and squinted his eyes thinking real hard about the question. Finally, he says, "Well, I don't know about kin, but it would make us even!"





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