Steptember Jokes

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A couple was celebrating 50 years together...


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Their three kids, all very successful, agreed to a Sunday dinner in their honor.


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"Happy Anniversary Mom and Dad," gushed son number one.... 'Sorry I'm running late. I had an emergency at the hospital with a patient, you know how it is, and I didn't have time to get you a gift."


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"Not to worry," said the father. "The important thing is that we're all together today."


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Son number two arrived and announced, "You and Mom look great, Dad. I just flew in from Los Angeles between depositions and didn't have time to shop for you."


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"It's nothing," said the father. "We're glad you were able to come."


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Just then the daughter arrived. "Hello and happy anniversary! I'm sorry, but my boss is sending me out of town and I was really busy packing so I didn't have time to get you anything..."


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After they had finished dessert, the father said, "There's something your mother and I have wanted to tell you for a long time. You see, we were very poor. Despite this, we were able to send each of you to college.


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Throughout the years your mother and I knew that we loved each other very much, but we just never found the time to get married."


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The three children gasped and all said, "You mean we're bastards?"


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"Yep," said the father. "And cheap ones too."

A young mushroom went off to a community dance and as usual the guys were lined up on one side of the community hall and the girls on the other.* The mushroom all excited for the opportunity to dance spies a good-looking red hot radish on the other side of the room and rushes over.* He eagerly invites the radish to dance.* The radish scoffs at him "get out of here I do not want to dance with any mushroom".* The mushroom bows his head in disappointment and returns to the "guys" side of the hall.* The mushroom not to be put off sees a rather hot looking tall a shapely carrot directly across from him.* He figures he will give it his best shot to get out on the dance floor.* Once again he scurries across the room and invites the carrot to dance with his hand extended.* Just as before the carrot debunks him with "get out of here I do not want to dance with any mushroom".* Sadly he mopes back across the floor and in a conversation with the guys he exclaims, "I can't understand why no one will dance with me, I am a REAL FUNGI"

Advice for your daughters:

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To all the girls who are in a hurry to have a boyfriend or get married, a piece of Biblical advice: " Ruth patiently waited for her mate Boaz." While you are waiting on YOUR Boaz, don't settle for any of his relatives; Broke-az, Po-az, Lyin-az, Cheating-az, Dumb-az, Drunk-az, Cheap-az, Lockedup-az, , Goodfornothing-az, Lazy-az, and especially his third cousin Beatinyo-az. Wait on your Boaz and make sure he respects Yoaz....

When giving directions in Florida, you should always start with the words, "take I-75, take I-4 or take I-95..."

If you're a snowbird or a non-working retiree, you absolutely cannot drive between the hours of 6 AM - 10 AM and 4 PM - 7 PM.
This is considered to be rush hour and you're not in any rush. No Exceptions....

Freeways can only go north and south. Not east and west.

Tolls are a fact of life down here, the state has to make money, so deal with it!

I-275 (Tampa area) will always be under construction... that's the law, there is nothing anyone can do about it, period!

'A1A' and 'ALT A1A' are the same road.

Traffic lights aren't timed and never will be.

We measure the distance we travel in time - not miles.

If you travel more than 5-10 miles on any road in any part of Florida without seeing an orange 'Bob's Barricade', you're lost!

If you miss your exit on I-75, I-4 or I-275, its perfectly acceptable to back up.

Every street in Florida has both a name and a number
(i.e. Adamo = Rt. 60) just for the hell of it, and also for the pleasure we get from reaction of visitors when we give them directions.

Once the light turns green, only 3 cars can go through the intersection, eight more go through on yellow, and 4 more on red.

Know the difference between SunPass , Sun Fest, Sun-Sentinel, and Sun Trust.

Flip flops, tank tops and baggy shorts are also known as business casual.

Your blinker means nothing.

English is our first and second language.

It is perfectly acceptable to brag about the size of your generator.

We have alligators here in Florida and they WILL bite you.
Don't be stupid and try to feed or pet one.

When a hurricane is headed our way, even though you have advanced warning and you are told to be prepared, you're not a true Floridian unless you wait until the absolute last minute to go to Home Depot to pick up plywood or to Publix to stock up water, ice, beer, and potato chips.

You know how to spell Okeechobee. There is an Okeechobee Lake, Town, County, Blvd, Street, and Avenue.
A true Floridian does NOT own a boat. They make friends with someone who already owns one. That way you don't have to deal with any of the headaches.

You weren't born here. If you were, you're angry that everyone else has moved here.

There's always a Walgreens across the street from a CVS on almost every corner - with more being built every day.

When picking up a woman on South Beach, always check for an Adams apple.

It's normal to sweat when you are putting up your Holiday decorations.

There is a city called 'The Villages' where 77,000 old people live that drive golf carts and dance in the streets.

Jupiter is a city, not a planet.

Seniors have to do their errands during the weekdays. Not weeknights or weekends-- that's for the working folks.

There are three types of dolphins: Mahi-mahi, Flipper, and also a football team.

There are three thing you need to survive a Florida winter:
A long sleeved T-shirt, sunscreen and the ability to mock all those extremely pale visitors with the bright pink 'Florida Tans'.

The same neighbor who smiles at you every day will be the first one to rat you out if you are violating water restrictions.

Learn how to dress in layers. It will be 95 degrees outside. But, inside any restaurant or business it's 65 degrees.

You can't say; 'this is how we did it up north'. If you think that way, then go back up north. Just remember, I-95 and I-75 run both ways.

No matter what they decide in Tallahassee you will never, ever be able to figure out your property taxes.
This would be even more funny if it weren't so darned true.

An illegal alien, a Muslim and a Communist go into a bar.




The bartender asks,


"What can I get you, Mr. President?"