Joke

Female Pharmacist

*

Those Dang 4-Hour Erection Problems

What happens when you ask for help with an erection lasting more than 4 hours?

Earl walked into a drug store in Kentucky and asked to talk to a male

pharmacist. The woman he was talking to said that she was the only

pharmacist, and as she and her sister owned the store, there were no

male employees. She then asked if she could help him.

Earl said that it was something that he would be much more comfortable

discussing with a male pharmacist. The lady pharmacist assured him

that she was completely professional, and whatever it was that he

needed to discuss, he could be confident that she would treat him with

a high level of professionalism.

Earl then agreed and began by saying, 'This is tough for me to

discuss, but I get erections every day that last more than four hours.

It causes me a lot of problems, and severe embarrassment. I was

wondering what you could give me for it.'

The pharmacist said, 'Just a minute, I'll talk to my sister.' When she

returned, she said, "We discussed it at length and this is the

absolute best we can do. 1/3 ownership in the store, a company pickup

truck, a king size bed, and $3,000 a month in living expenses.

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So they loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north.

After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

'I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed,' she explained. 'I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house.'

'Don't worry,' Jack said. 'We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light.' The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.

Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way.
They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.

But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, 'Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?'

'Yes, I do.' Said Bob.

'Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?'

'Well, um, yes!,' Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out, 'I have to admit that I did.'

'And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?'

Bob's face turned beet red and he said,
'Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did.' 'Why do you ask?'

'She just died and left me everything.'


(And you thought the ending would be different, didn't you?... you know you smiled...now keep that smile for the rest of the day...!)

One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut.

After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week.' The florist was pleased and left the shop.

When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.

Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week.' The cop was happy and left the shop.

The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.

Then a Congressman came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I can not accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The Congressman was very happy and left the shop.

The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen Congressmen lined up waiting for a free haircut.

And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.

***NOTICE ***

In the wake of Bin Laden's death, Radical Muslims are planning to go on a
rampage in South Florida, killing anyone who is a legal US citizen.

Police fear the death toll could be as high as 23.

We will keep you posted on future developments.

This morning I went to sign my dogs up for welfare. At first the lady said,
"Dogs are not eligible to draw welfare." So I explained to her that my dogs
are mixed in color, unemployed, lazy, can't speak English and have no frigging
clue who their Daddys are. They expect me to feed them, provide them with
housing and medical care. So she looked in her policy book to see what it takes
to qualify. My dogs get their first checks Friday.

Damn, this is a great country.

windmist wrote:
This morning I went to sign my dogs up for welfare. At first the lady said,
"Dogs are not eligible to draw welfare." So I explained to her that my dogs
are mixed in color, unemployed, lazy, can't speak English and have no frigging
clue who their Daddys are. They expect me to feed them, provide them with
housing and medical care. So she looked in her policy book to see what it takes
to qualify. My dogs get their first checks Friday.

Damn, this is a great country.

Click to expand...

*You should have checked your dogs' registration.* 10 to 1 they are Democrats.

Bubba and Johnny Ray were sittin' on the front porch drinking beer when a large truck hauling rolls and rolls of sod went by.

"I'm gonna do dat when I win the lottery," said Bubba.

"Do what?" asked Johnny Ray.

"Send my grass out to be mowed

I think it's a joke, but it actually happened,: the Air Force Office of Special Investigations raided a Las Vegas gun store looking for "stolen military property." The Air Force considers golf clubs "military property." You vets know what I mean.

Once and one time only, I was a successful five-minute, stand-up comedian, where I*recalled 50-year-old memories of sailing with my Dad.* The stories were successful only because of the occasion (90th birthday surprise party for my Dad).





*(The lady in the left foreground seems to be tuned out.* Perhaps she forgot to wear her hearing aids.)


-- Edited by markpierce on Friday 26th of August 2011 01:11:37 PM

Ocean View Restaurant


A group of 15-year old guys discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they should meet at the Dairy Queen next to the Ocean View restaurant because they only had $6.00 between them and Jennie Johnson, that cute girl in Social Studies, lives on that street and they might see her and they can ride their bikes there.

Ten years later, the group of 25-year-old guys discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the beer was cheap, they had free snacks, the band was good, there was no cover and there were lots of cute girls.

Ten years later, at 35 years of age, the group once again discussed where they
should meet for dinner. It was agreed they should meet at the Ocean View
restaurant because the booze was good, it was right near the gym and if they
went late enough, there wouldn't be too many whiny little kids.

Ten years later, at 45 years of age, the group once again discussed where they
should meet for dinner. It was agreed they should meet at the Ocean View
restaurant because the martinis were big, and the waitresses had nice boobs and
wore tight pants.

Ten years later, at 55 years of age, the group once again discussed where they
should meet for dinner. It was agreed they should meet at the Ocean View
restaurant because the prices were reasonable, the wine list was good and fish
is good for your cholesterol.

Ten years later, at 65 years of age, the group once again discussed where they
should meet for dinner. It was agreed they should meet at the Ocean View
restaurant because the lighting was good and they have an early bird special.

Ten years later, at 75 years of age, the group once again discussed where they
should meet for dinner. It was agreed they should meet at the Ocean View
restaurant because the food was not too spicy, and the restaurant was
handicapped accessible.

Ten years later, at 85 years of age, the group once again discussed where they
should meet for dinner. It was agreed they should meet at the Ocean View
restaurant because they had never been there before.

As we get older we sometimes begin to doubt our ability to

"make a difference" in the world. It is at these times that
our hopes are boosted by the remarkable achievements of
other "seniors" who have found the courage to take on
challenges that would make many of us wither.

Harold Schlumberg is such a person:







QUOTE FROM HAROLD:

"I've often been asked, 'What do you old folks do now that
you're retired?' Well, I'm fortunate to have a chemical
engineering background, and one of the things I enjoy most
is converting beer, wine and vodka into urine.

Then I piss on a photo of Obama!

I do it every day and I really enjoy it."

Harold is an inspiration to us all.

Now this might be a real solution for a change...but it makes an awful lot
of sense, so I am not sure a politician would actually grasp the concept...
Jack!

WHAT A GREAT IDEA!!!!....

Here's the way it should be:

Let's put the seniors in jail and the criminals in nursing homes.

This would correct two things in one motion:

Seniors would have access to showers, hobbies and walks. They would receive

unlimited free prescriptions, dental and medical Treatment, wheel chairs,
etc.

They would receive money instead of having to pay it out.

They would have constant video montering, so they would be helped
instantly... If they fell or needed assistance.

Bedding would be washed twice a week and all clothing would be ironed and
returned to them.

A guard would check on them every 20 minutes.

All meals and snacks would be brought to them.

They would have family visits in a suite built for that purpose. They would

have access to a library, weight/fitness room, spiritual counseling, a pool

and education...and free admission to in-house concerts by nationally
recognized entertainment artists.

Simple clothing - I.e.. Shoes, slippers, pj's - and legal aid would be free

, upon request. There would be private, secure rooms provided for all with
an outdoor exercise yard complete with gardens.

Each senior would have a P.C., T.V., phone and radio in their room at no
cost .

They would receive daily phone calls.

There would be a board of directors to hear any complaints and the ACLU
would fight for their rights and protection.

The guards would have a code of conduct to be strictly adhered to, with
attorneys available, at no charge to protect the seniors and their families

from abuse or neglect.

As for the criminals:

They would receive cold food.

They would be left alone and unsupervised.

They would receive showers once a week.

They would live in tiny rooms, for which they would have to pay $5,000 per
month.

They would have no hope of ever getting out.

"Sounds like justice to me!"

Two radical Arab terrorists boarded a flight out of London. One took a window seat and the other sat next to him in the middle seat. Just before take-off, a rabbi sat down in the aisle seat.

After take-off the rabbi kicked his shoes off, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said "I need to get up and get a coke". "Don't get up" said the rabbi, "I'm in the aisle seat, I'll get it for you".

As soon as he left, one of the Arabs picked up the rabbi`s shoe and spat in it. When the Rabbi returned with the coke, the other Arab said, "That looks good. I'd really like one, too".

Again, the rabbi obligingly went to fetch it. While he was gone the other Arab picked up the rabbi`s other shoe and spat in it.

When the rabbi returned, they all sat back and enjoyed the flight. As the plane was landing, the rabbi slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened.

He leaned over and asked his Arab neighbours "Why does it have to be this way? How long must this go on? This fighting between our nations? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and pissing in cokes?"

-----THIS IS US!!!!


Senior citizens are constantly being criticized for every conceivable deficiency of the modern world, real or imaginary. We know we take responsibility for all we have done and do not blame others.

HOWEVER, upon reflection, we would like to point out that it was NOT the senior citizens who took:


The melody out of music,
The pride out of appearance,
The courtesy out of driving,
The romance out of love,
The commitment out of marriage,
The responsibility out of parenthood,
The togetherness out of the family,
The learning out of education,
The service out of patriotism,
The Golden Rule from rulers,
The nativity scene out of cities,
The civility out of behavior,
The refinement out of language,
The dedication out of employment,
The prudence out of spending,
The ambition out of achievement or
God out of government and school.

And we certainly are NOT the ones who eliminated patience and tolerance from personal relationships and interactions with others!!

And, we do understand the meaning of patriotism, and remember those who have fought and died for our country.Just look at the Seniors with tears in their eyes and pride in their hearts as they stand at attention with their hand over their hearts!

YES, I'M A SENIOR CITIZEN!

I'm the life of the party, even if it lasts until 8 p.m.

I'm very good at opening childproof caps...with a hammer.

I'm awake many hours before my body allows me to get up.

I'm smiling all the time because I can't hear a thing you're saying.

I'm sure everything I can't find is in a safe secure place, somewhere.

I'm wrinkled, saggy, lumpy, and that's just my left leg.

I'm beginning to realize that aging is not for wimps.

Yes, I'm a SENIOR CITIZEN and I think I am having the time of my life!

Now if I could only remember who sent this to me, I wouldn't send it back to them, but I would send it to many more too!


Spread the laughter
Share the cheer
Let's be happy
While we're here.


Go Green - Recycle CONGRESS!!

Subject: Royal Bank

Be sure and cancel your credit cards before you die!
This is so priceless and so easy to see happening - customer service, being what it is today!


A lady died this past January, and the Royal Bank billed her for February and
March for their annual service charges on her credit card, and
Then added late fees and interest on the monthly charge. The balance had
Been $0.00, now is somewhere around $60.00.

A family member placed a call to the Royal Bank:

Family Member:
'I am calling to tell you that she died in January.'

Royal Bank:'The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply.'

Family Member:
'Maybe, you should turn it over to collections.'

Royal Bank:
'Since it is two months past due, it already has been..'

Family Member:
So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?'

Royal Bank PAC:
'Either report her account to the frauds division or report her to
The credit bureau, maybe both!'

Family Member:
'Do you think God will be mad at her?'

Royal Bank:
'Excuse me?'

Family Member:
'Did you just get what I was telling you . . . The part about her
Being dead?'

Royal Bank:
'Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor.'

Supervisor gets on the phone:
Family Member:
'I'm calling to tell you, she died in January.'

Royal Bank:
'The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply.'

Family Member:
'You mean you want to collect from her estate?'

Royal Bank:
(Stammer) 'Are you her lawyer?'

Family Member:
'No, I'm her great nephew.'
(Lawyer info given)

Royal Bank:
'Could you fax us a certificate of death?'

Family Member:
'Sure.'
( fax number is given )

After they get the fax:

Royal Bank:
'Our system just isn't set up for death. I don't know what more I
Can do to help.'

Family Member:
'Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing
Her. I don't think she will care.'

Royal Bank :
'Well, the late fees and charges do still apply.'

Family Member:
'Would you like her new billing address?'

Royal Bank:
'That might help.'

Family Member:
' Rookwood Memorial Cemetery , 1249 Centenary Rd, Sydney Plot Number
1049.'

Royal Bank:
'Sir, that's a cemetery!'

Family Member: 'Well, what the **** do you do with dead people on your planet?'.............

Funny, but that actually happened to me. When my mother passed away, 2 months later a charge was made on one of her credit cards. I guess someone swiped it while at the wake. Had almost this exact same conversation with the department store.

A man died and went to Heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.
He asked, "What are all those clocks?"
St. Peter answered, "Those are lie-clocks. Everyone on Earth has a lie-clock. Every time you lie, the hands on your clock will move."
"Oh", said the man. "Whose clock is that?"
"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating she's never told a lie."
"Incredible," said the man. "And whose clock is that one?"
St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life."
"Where's President Obama's clock," asked the man?
"Obama's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."

At a wine merchant's, the regular taster died and the director started looking for a new one to hire.
A Navy Pilot with a ragged, dirty look came to apply for the position. The director of the factory wondered how to send him away.
They gave him a glass to drink.
*
He tried it and said, "It's a Muscat, three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers. Low grade but acceptable.
"That's correct", said the boss.
Another glass....
"It's a cabernet, eight years old, a south-western slope, oak barrels, matured at 8 degrees. Requires three more years for finest results."
"Correct."
A third glass...
''It's a pinot blanc champagne, high grade and exclusive'' calmly said the drunk.
The director was astonished. He winked at his secretary to suggest something. She left the room, and came back in with a glass of urine. The alcoholic pilot (I repeat myself) tried it.
"It's a blonde, 26 years old, three months pregnant and if you don't give me the job, I'll name the father."

That was so funny I read it twice just to laugh again.

SD

The English language has some wonderfully anthropomorphic collective nouns for the various groups of animals.

We are all familiar with a Herd of cows, a Flock of chickens, a School of fish and a Gaggle of geese.

However, less widely known is a Pride of lions, a Murder of crows (as well as their cousins the rooks and ravens), an Exaltation of doves and, presumably because they look so wise, a Parliament of owls.

Now consider a group of Baboons. They are the loudest, most dangerous, most obnoxious, most viciously aggressive and least intelligent of all primates.

And what is the proper collective noun for a group of baboons??????

Believe it or not ....... a Congress , that much explains the things that come out of Washington.

A group of coots has many collective nouns, including a "codgery", "commotion", "fleet", "shoal", and "swarm" of coots. *I prefer "codgery."

Witticisms of Ignorance

It 's not whether you win or lose,
but how you place the blame.

You are not drunk
if you can lie on the floor
without holding on.


We have enough youth.
How about a fountain of "smart"?



The original point and click interface
was a Smith & Wesson.

A fool and his money can throw one heck of a party.

when blondes have more fun do they know it?


Five days a week my body is a temple.
The other two it's an amusement park.

LEARN FROM YOUR PARENTS' MISTAKES
USE BIRTH CONTROL

Money isn't everything,
but it sure keeps the kids in touch.

If at first you don't succeed
skydiving is not for you..

Reality is only an illusion
that occurs due to a lack of alcohol.

Time's fun when you're having flies.
......Kermit the Frog

We are born naked, wet and hungry.
Then things get worse.

Red meat is not bad for you Fuzzy green meat is bad for you.

Ninety-nine percent of all lawyers
give the rest a bad name..

One good thing about Alzheimer's is
you get to meet new people every day.

Xerox and Wurlitzer will merge
to produce reproductive organs.

Alabama state motto:
At least we're not Mississippi

ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE IS NO
MATCH FOR NATURAL STUPIDITY.

The latest survey shows that
three out of four people make
up 75% of the population
You know why a banana is like a politician?
When he first comes in he is green,
then he turns yellow and then he's rotten.
I think Congressmen should wear uniforms
like NASCAR drivers so we could identify
their corporate sponsors.
[*-*]

STRESS MANAGEMENT

Just in case you are having a rough day, here is a stress management technique

recommended in all the latest psychological journals.

The funny thing is that it really does work and will make you smile.




1. Picture yourself lying on your tummy on a warm rock that hangs out over a crystal clear stream.

2. Picture yourself with both your hands dangling in the cool running water.

3. Birds are sweetly singing in the cool mountain air.

4. No one knows your secret place.

5. You are in total seclusion from that hectic place called the world.

6. The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity.

7. The water is so crystal clear that you can easily make out

the face of the person you are holding underwater.



There -- See? -- It really does work.

You're smiling already

A sad tale......


The other night I was invited out for a night with the 'girls.'

I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, 'I promise!'

Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily..

Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home.

Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and
cuckooed 3 times.

Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9
times.

I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted
solution,
in order to escape a possible conflict with him.

(Even when totally smashed... 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals = 12 cuckoos =
MIDNIGHT!)

The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, I told him
'MIDNIGHT'... He didn't seem pissed off in the least.

Whew, I got away with that one!* Then he said 'We need a new cuckoo clock.'


When I asked him why, he said,



'Well, last night our clock cuckooed* three times, then said 'oh s**t.' .
cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times,
giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and
farted.

Moonstruck wrote:'Well, last night our clock cuckooed* three times, then said 'oh s**t.' .

cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times,
giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and
farted.

Click to expand...

*very funny!* :teevee:

A man walked into the produce section of his local supermarket and asked to buy a half head of lettuce. The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce. The man was insistent and asked that the boy speak to his manager about the matter.

Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager, "Some ass-hole wants to buy a half head of lettuce." As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "And this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half."

The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way. Later the manager said to the boy, "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?"

"Texas, sir." the boy replied.

"Well, why did you leave Texas?" the manager asked.

The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but whores and football players there."

"Really?" said the manager. "My wife is from Texas."

"Get outta here!" the boy said. "Who'd she play for?"

** Dead Horse***
************ Theory

*

*

*

The tribal wisdom of the Dakota Indians, passed on from generation to generation, says that, "When you discover that you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount."


*

However, in government, education, and in corporate America, more advanced strategies are often employed, such as:


*

1. Buying a stronger whip.


*

2. Changing riders.


*

3. Appointing a committee to study the horse.


*

4. Arranging to visit other countries to see how other cultures ride dead horses.


*

5. Lowering the standards so that dead horses can be included.


*

6. Reclassifying the dead horse as living-impaired.


*

7. Hiring outside contractors to ride the dead horse.


*

8. Harnessing several dead horses together to increase speed.


*

9. Providing additional funding and/or training to increase dead horse's performance.


*

10. Doing a productivity study to see if lighter riders would improve the dead horse's performance.


*

11. Declaring that as the dead horse does not have to be fed, it is* less costly, carries lower overhead and therefore contributes substantially* more to the bottom line of the economy than do some other horses.


*

12. Rewriting the expected performance requirements for all horses.


*

And of course....


*

13. Promoting the dead horse to a supervisory position.

*

Walt, that should not be in the joke section.* It has too much ring of the truth.* It is very funny in an odd sort of way.

*
<table border="0" cellspacing="0" cellpadding="0"><tbody><tr><td valign="top"><blockquote style="padding-left:5px;margin-left:5px;">

I did not know this.....


When you drink Vodka over ice, it can give you kidney failure,
*
When you drink Rum over ice, it can give you liver failure,

When you drink whiskey over ice, it can give you heart problems,

When you drink Gin over ice, it can give you brain problems.

*
*
Apparently, ice is really bad for you.

Warn all your friends!

Click to expand...

</td></tr></tbody></table>

Two 90-year-old women, Bertha and Betty, had been friends all of their lives.

When it was clear that Bertha was dying, Betty visited her every day.

One day Betty said, "Bertha, we both loved playing softball all our lives, and we played all through high school. Please do me one favor: when you get to heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's women's softball there."

Bertha looked up at Betty from her deathbed and said, "Betty, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favor for you."

Shortly after that, Bertha died.

A few nights later, Betty was awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to her, "Betty, Betty."

"Who is it," asked Betty, sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?"

"Betty -- it's me, Bertha."

"You're not Bertha. Bertha just died."

"I'm telling you, it's me, Bertha," insisted the voice.

"Bertha! Where are you?"

"In heaven," replied Bertha. "I have some really good news and a little bad news."

"Tell me the good news first," said Betty.

"The good news," Bertha said with joy and enthusiasm, "is that there's women's softball in heaven. Better yet, all of our old buddies who died before me are here, too. Even better than that, we're all young again. Better still, it's always Springtime and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play softball all we want, and we never get tired."

"That's fantastic," said Betty. "It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what's the bad news?"

"You're pitching Tuesday."