Getting put on hold

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Warwgn

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Will still be following along the threads and learning all I can, but my boat plans and whole life is being put on hold for a year or so. I'm headed for the big D and don't mean Dallas, it's been coming but seems it is time now and I expect it to get nasty, but hope for her to be civilized since this is all her idea anyway. Long story short gonna be some changes to be made and until I figure it all out and see where I stand so I can come up with a plan of attack to adapt and over come the new situation it would be wise to put all my finical spending plans on hold.

Blah, Blah, Blah, now back to your regular scheduled programing!

I would like to eventually move closer to the coast somewhere to make it more convenient to boating, so depending how it all goes this may be an avenue to reach that goal. I am a long way from retirement though at only 44 so that brings challenges too, cant do it full time so I guess being 3 hours drive from the coast is not too bad for now.
 
Sorry to hear about the divorce. You're very wise to put major decisions on hold for now.
 
Been there, done that, got the t-shirt. None of 'em I've ever seen are pretty, or cheap.


Good luck. Lots of us who've been there before are with you in spirit.
 
Greetings,
Mr. W. Whew, divorce. I thought you were talking about DEATH! Like kidney stones, this too will pass...
 
Post some pics, maybe one of the younger guys on here will take her off your hands!
 
Usually the outcome is a bigger boat and no compromises on the layout/galley. Life is good.
 
menzies said:
Post some pics, maybe one of the younger guys on here will take her off your hands!
Click to expand...

Obviously you've never been through the trauma of a divorce. As for me, the op has my sympathy's. Like others have said, been there, done that, got the t-shirt.

All I can add for the op is to say try and remember there WILL be light at the end of the tunnel no matter what you may be feeling now or in the near future. When one door closes another one opens and usually the new door opens and provides opportunities for bigger and brighter things in your life.

Hang in there!

.
 
Wifey B: I so freaking hate the whole concept of divorce and till death do us part and such. Now, I do believe if one of the two doesn't want to still be together in a married like way, they should part. Just shouldn't be so ugly. Shouldn't be blame and fault. Shouldn't be guilt. Most definitely shouldn't be hate. I know this is a total off wall rant so far and I'll get there in a moment. The system is screwed up. The fact you have to involve court and lawyers and all that. The fact it sets you up to be adversaries when in reality you're both just trying to move on and forward. It forces you to air dirty laundry, to hurt someone you loved and still have feelings for. Why can't we just transition from in love and want to be married, from still love the other but don't want to be. Our vows said, "As long as it works for both of us." We hope and believe it's forever, but we've made promises to each other about what if it isn't. Sounds negative, but really can be a relief. I think every couple marrying should have a contract, much like pre-nuptials that spells out what happens, no questions asked.

I can't imagine how much it hurts. It's like death, because it's the death of something very important to you plus losing your best friend. Well, you don't have to lose your best friend. You know mediation doesn't let the two of you in the same room but just goes back and forth. Every ugly moment just hurts you both. Anyone getting divorced think of it as ending a contractual agreement with a person you love. Maybe it's impossible, but if two people could do that they'd both be so much better off and they'd still have that friend who knows them better than anyone.

Just our dream. I know the license and law isn't all going to change, but sure wish. If, and I hope to God it doesn't happen, but if hubby and I were to ever decide we wanted to consider being apart or with others or whatever but no longer married, how we do it is simple as we have an agreement on that.

To one going through it, my best wishes and hopes. Try to think of all the good there has been, not the bad there has been most recently. End of silly girl's rant.:cry:
 
Well, when the split happened to me I followed my dream and became a full time liveaboard. If it is going to happen you need to look for the silver lining for your own sanity.
 
The Other Gary said:
Well, when the split happened to me I followed my dream and became a full time liveaboard. If it is going to happen you need to look for the silver lining for your own sanity.
Click to expand...

Thats the way to look at the big life changes, like Divorce or loosing your loved one.

Look forward. Follow your dreams.
 
BandB said:
Wifey B: I so freaking hate the whole concept of divorce and till death do us part and such. Now, I do believe if one of the two doesn't want to still be together in a married like way, they should part. Just shouldn't be so ugly. Shouldn't be blame and fault. Shouldn't be guilt. Most definitely shouldn't be hate. I know this is a total off wall rant so far and I'll get there in a moment. The system is screwed up. The fact you have to involve court and lawyers and all that. The fact it sets you up to be adversaries when in reality you're both just trying to move on and forward. It forces you to air dirty laundry, to hurt someone you loved and still have feelings for. Why can't we just transition from in love and want to be married, from still love the other but don't want to be. Our vows said, "As long as it works for both of us." We hope and believe it's forever, but we've made promises to each other about what if it isn't. Sounds negative, but really can be a relief. I think every couple marrying should have a contract, much like pre-nuptials that spells out what happens, no questions asked.

I can't imagine how much it hurts. It's like death, because it's the death of something very important to you plus losing your best friend. Well, you don't have to lose your best friend. You know mediation doesn't let the two of you in the same room but just goes back and forth. Every ugly moment just hurts you both. Anyone getting divorced think of it as ending a contractual agreement with a person you love. Maybe it's impossible, but if two people could do that they'd both be so much better off and they'd still have that friend who knows them better than anyone.

Just our dream. I know the license and law isn't all going to change, but sure wish. If, and I hope to God it doesn't happen, but if hubby and I were to ever decide we wanted to consider being apart or with others or whatever but no longer married, how we do it is simple as we have an agreement on that.

To one going through it, my best wishes and hopes. Try to think of all the good there has been, not the bad there has been most recently. End of silly girl's rant.:cry:
Click to expand...

Because...money and hate.

Not two things that go well together.
 
Thanks for the good thoughts!!

Without airing all my troubles lets just say i am always positive, i am in the "right" and have held to my core values of honesty and respect. I dont lie and dont cheat, but cant say the same for everyone I know or have known all I can do is stay true to myself and never waiver in my morals.

As for the been there done that crowd....well this will be my second t-shirt so at least I know things will get better after it is all done and over however it turns out. I may be stupid but still want to try and work it out, we have been married for 11 years and have 3 kids involved. 16, 9, and 5 so what is best for them is always first on my mind, I can swallow my pride and take a bullet if it benefits my kids.
 
Warwgn said:
Thanks for the good thoughts!!

Without airing all my troubles lets just say i am always positive, i am in the "right" and have held to my core values of honesty and respect. I dont lie and dont cheat, but cant say the same for everyone I know or have known all I can do is stay true to myself and never waiver in my morals.

As for the been there done that crowd....well this will be my second t-shirt so at least I know things will get better after it is all done and over however it turns out. I may be stupid but still want to try and work it out, we have been married for 11 years and have 3 kids involved. 16, 9, and 5 so what is best for them is always first on my mind, I can swallow my pride and take a bullet if it benefits my kids.
Click to expand...

Wifey B: You have to do what is right for you. I admire sticking to your core values. It doesn't always bring better results but it sure makes it easier to live with the results it brings.
 
Thats the Marine in me, maintain your bearing no matter what, stay true to your core because you are stuck with yourself and have to live with your actions for all time. I have an absolutely clear conscious.
 
RT Firefly said:
Greetings,
Mr. W. Whew, divorce. I thought you were talking about DEATH! Like kidney stones, this too will pass...
Click to expand...

With similar pain. So saith the voice of experience. :rolleyes:
 
Gmarr said:
Hmm remember this is a public forum
Click to expand...

And all information and comments are fair game to be used. Facebook comes into court cases often. One of the classics was a man posted, "I don't really want custody, I just don't want her to have it." Needless to say, she custody.
 
Ahhh the benifits of having a good moral compass, I dont have to worry about what I say.
 
When I entered the throes of divorce, I ended up following a dream and became a liveaboard- purchased a 3870 Bayliner and haven't looked back.

At the same time, I made a decision to never react emotionally, but to act in the best interests of our kids and always taking the high road. That decision served me well. Sorry to hear you are going thru this.
 
Pau Hana said:
When I entered the throes of divorce, I ended up following a dream and became a liveaboard- purchased a 3870 Bayliner and haven't looked back.

At the same time, I made a decision to never react emotionally, but to act in the best interests of our kids and always taking the high road. That decision served me well. Sorry to hear you are going thru this.
Click to expand...

There can be cordial and decent divorces, just few and far between. I applaud those who have them.
 
I've heard of that. Also heard of finding unicorns.
 
BandB said:
There can be cordial and decent divorces, just few and far between. I applaud those who have them.
Click to expand...

The problems seem to arise when one or both parties have unrealistic expectations, or want to use the system to "get even" with their soon to be ex.

What floors me is the guys that think that their stay at home or underemployed spouse deserves nothing because he was the one bring home a paycheck or the larger paycheck.

They seem to forget that the female was raising their kids, and or disrupted their education to raise children resulting in them not having the earning capability of their male counterpart.

We are fortunate. My wife makes as much or more than I do. This results in her having a feeling of equality and security. I hope she never boots me out, but if she does, we will both be just fine, and I'll be living on a very nice boat, while she will be secure living in a nice home.
 
Last edited:
ksanders said:
We are fortunate. My wife makes as much or more than I do. This results in her having a feeling of equality and security. I hope she never boots me out, but if she does, we will both be just fine, and I'll be living on a very nice boat, while she will be secure living in a nice home.
Click to expand...

Well, divorce is a huge financial hit for most families. While most TF members will be in the top 10% income range in the US, and therefore can more readily take the ~ 30% reduction in standard of living, not all are as fortunate. Divorce is a significant predictor for poverty for both children and the aged.

My own financial life would be irrevocably altered if my wife was to divorce me. Fortunately, for many reasons, she still hasn't come to her senses after 35 years.
 
dhays said:
Well, divorce is a huge financial hit for most families. While most TF members will be in the top 10% income range in the US, and therefore can more readily take the ~ 30% reduction in standard of living, not all are as fortunate. Divorce is a significant predictor for poverty for both children and the aged.

My own financial life would be irrevocably altered if my wife was to divorce me. Fortunately, for many reasons, she still hasn't come to her senses after 35 years.
Click to expand...

Yes, and one reason it's so economically destructive is the structure. There's the immediate need to get separate homes and make separate living arrangements. Why can't couples just say, we no longer want to be married, but we'll share the home and continue to raise the kids here until one or the other of us gets in a relationship that says we can no longer share it.

But the way it works, you have two people going from supporting one household to supporting two. Mathematically that just doesn't work.
 
We are doing just that, has been this way for a year now, she is in the master bdrm and I have the master suite since I will be keeping the house. The oldest has her own room and the little ones share a room. Once she can afford to move out she will, until then we are like room mates sorta, but the kids seem fine with the arrangement so I just deal for their sake.

Has its own challenges to be sure, but seems to benefit her and def the kids. I am in a hard spot since I am still paying everthing but her car and cell phone, not so fair but the kids are happy and I get meals cooked a few days a week at least.
 
Warwgn said:
We are doing just that, has been this way for a year now, she is in the master bdrm and I have the master suite since I will be keeping the house. The oldest has her own room and the little ones share a room. Once she can afford to move out she will, until then we are like room mates sorta, but the kids seem fine with the arrangement so I just deal for their sake.

Has its own challenges to be sure, but seems to benefit her and def the kids. I am in a hard spot since I am still paying everthing but her car and cell phone, not so fair but the kids are happy and I get meals cooked a few days a week at least.
Click to expand...

I applaud you both then. Not the best of circumstances but works until you have better. Yes, you're paying all the expenses there, but better than you paying for two homes right now. Often people rush from bad to worse instead of taking time to figure out how they are both going to be able to handle things financially.

The kids I'm sure don't like the divorce, but typically they've seen the disintegration and didn't like what the situation was before either. The parents can teach the kids a lot in these situations, either good or bad.
 
BandB said:
Yes, and one reason it's so economically destructive is the structure. There's the immediate need to get separate homes and make separate living arrangements.
Click to expand...

Our divorce cost us $400 in Miami (simple dissolution). I was moving out of state for more interesting work, she wanted to stay, so she kept the house and I got the boat. Quite simple and almost completely painless. We even had a vacation together a year after the divorce. The children were finishing college at that time.
 
dhays said:
Well, divorce is a huge financial hit for most families. While most TF members will be in the top 10% income range in the US, and therefore can more readily take the ~ 30% reduction in standard of living,
Click to expand...

For me it was at least 30% gain. Likely, more than 30.
 
They say divorce is so expensive because it's worth it. Been there, got the tee shirt, since remarried. Had a prenuptial agreement each time. The most upset person was my ex-wife's lawyer (no big pay day). Prenuptial agreement had us each responsible for our own legal fees and 50% of court costs.

Ted
 
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