Humor

I'll just leave this right here...

Bernie Sanders is sitting drinking a beer. He says I don't drink beer often, but when I do, it is somebody else's!

A manager at Wal-Mart had the task of hiring someone to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes he found four people who were equally qualified. He decided to call the four in and ask them only one question. Their answer would determine which of them would get the job.

The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table, the interviewer asked, 'What is the fastest thing you know of?'

The first man replied, 'A THOUGHT.' It just pops into your head. There's no warning.

'That's very good!' replied the interviewer. 'And, now you sir?', he asked the second man.

'Hmmm...let me see 'A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know that it ever happened. A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of.'

'Excellent!' said the interviewer. 'The blink of an eye, that's a very popular cliché for speed.' He then turned to the third man, who was contemplating his reply.

'Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall there's a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light on the barn comes on in less than an instant. 'Yep, TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of'.

The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he had found his man. 'It's hard to beat the speed of light,' he said.

Turning to BUBBA, the fourth and final man, the interviewer posed the same question.

Old Bubba replied, 'After hearing the previous three answers, it's obvious to me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHEA.'

'WHAT!?' said the interviewer, stunned by the response.

'Oh sure', said BUBBA. 'You see, the other day I wasn't feeling so good, and I ran for the bathroom, but before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, I had already s**t my pants.'

BUBBA is now the new greeter at a Wal-Mart near you!

Subject: Blonde marries rancher




Â

[FONT=&quot]A blonde city girl named Amy marries a Colorado rancher.[/FONT]



[FONT=&quot] One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, the [/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]Rancher says to Amy, "The insemination man is coming [/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]Over to impregnate one of our cows today, so I drove a nail [/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]Into the 2 by 4 just above where the cow's stall is in the barn. [/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]Please show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?"[/FONT]

Â

[FONT=&quot]The rancher leaves for the fields. After a while, the artificial[/FONT][FONT=&quot] [/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]Insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Amy takes him down to the barn. They walk along the
Row of cows and when Amy sees the nail, she tells him,
"This is the one right here."[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]The man, assuming he is dealing with an air head blond, [/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]Asks, "Tell me lady, 'cause I'm dying to know; how would [/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]YOU know that this is the right cow to be bred?"
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]"'That's simple," she said. "By the nail that's over its stall,"
She explains very confidently.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Â Laughing rudely at her, the man says, "And what, pray tell, is the
Nail for?"[/FONT][FONT=&quot] [/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]The blond turns to walk away and says sweetly over her[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]Shoulder, "I guess it's to hang your pants on."[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]It's nice to see a blonde winning once in a while![/FONT]

Friends

Friendship among Women:

I think I found my new signature line

To help save the economy, the Government will announce next


month that the Immigration Department will start


deporting senior citizens (instead of illegals) in order to lower


pensions and healthcare costs (flu jabs, walkers,


wheelchairs, free prescriptions, bus passes, etc.)

The Government has established that older people are easier to


catch and, in most cases, will not remember how



to get back home.




I started to cry when I thought of you - maybe I'd never see


you again . . . . ..


Then it dawned on me . . .


I'll see you on the bus!

Old guy....

Sometimes I laugh so hard, the tears run down my leg!

So Antoni had worked at the Polish Pickle Packing factory formany years. He had this strong desire that he'd never told anyone about: He wanted to stick his penis in the pickle slicer.


The longer he worked there the stronger that desire became. It got so strong he even went to a psychologist. When the psychologist couldn't cure him of this unusual desire, he quit going to see him.


One day Antoni was overcome with his thoughts of sticking his penis in the pickle slicer so he did it.


He was caught and fired on the spot. When his wife came home and found him home from work early she asked him why he was home.


He told her about his long term desire to stick his penis in the pickle slicer and that today he'd done it.


She was aghast and pulled his pants down to see the damage. When she saw none she asked him "Well, there's nothing wrong with you? What happened to the pickle slicer?"


Antoni replied "I think she got fired too!"

The Israelis are developing an airport security device that eliminates the privacy concerns that come with full-body scanners. It's an armored booth you step into that will not X-ray you, but will detonate any explosive device you may have on your person.

Israel sees this as a win-win situation for everyone, with none of this crap about racial profiling. It will also eliminate the costs of long and expensive trials.

You're in the airport terminal and you hear a muffled explosion. Shortly thereafter, an announcement: "Attention to all standby passengers, El Al is pleased to announce a seat available on flight 670 to London".


BRILLIANT

A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad?"

The man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sex."

"Oh, I see," replied the boy pensively. "Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school." He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, "Why are there 3 in this package?"

The dad replies, "Those are for high-school boys. One for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday."

"Cool!" says the boy. He notices a 6-pack and asks, "Then who are these for?"

"Those are for college men," the dad answers, "TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday."

"WOW!" exclaimed the boy; "Then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up a 12-pack.

With a sigh, the dad replied, "Those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for . . ."

[FONT=&quot]Hillary Clinton goes to her doctor for a check-up, only to find out that she's pregnant. [/FONT]


[FONT=&quot]She is furious... Here she is -- in the middle of her election campaign
--now this has happened to her![/FONT]


[FONT=&quot]She calls home, gets Bill on the phone and immediately starts screaming:
"You bastard! How could you have let this happen?
With all that's going on right now, you go and get me pregnant! [/FONT]


[FONT=&quot]How could[/FONT][FONT=&quot] [/FONT][FONT=&quot]you?
I can't believe this!
I've just found out I'm five weeks pregnant and
it's all your fault!.....
Well, what have you got to say?"[/FONT]


[FONT=&quot]There is nothing but dead silence on the phone.[/FONT]


[FONT=&quot]She screams again,
"Did you[/FONT][FONT=&quot] [/FONT][FONT=&quot]hear me?"[/FONT]


[FONT=&quot]Finally, she hears Bill's very, very quiet voice, in a barely audible whisper:[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot][/FONT]


[FONT=&quot]"Who's calling?".



Ted
[/FONT]

I’m a guy, she’s single…She lives right across the street.
I can see her place from my kitchen window.
I watched as she got home from work this evening. I was surprised when she walked across the street, up my driveway and knocked on the door.
I opened the door, she looked at me and said, "I just got home, and I have this strong urge to have a good time, dance, get drunk, and have sex tonight. Are you doing anything?"
I replied, "Nope, I'm free!"
"Great," she said. "Can you watch my dog?"

Being a senior citizen really sucks!



Ted

WHEN IS THE F@#*%! WORD ACCEPTABLE ?


There are only ten times in history where the "F" word has been considered acceptable for use.

They are as follows:

10. "What the @#$% do you mean, we are sinking?"
-- Capt. E.J. Smith of RMS Titanic, 1912

9. "What the @#$% was that?"
-- Mayor Of Hiroshima, 1945

8. "Where did all those @#$%ing Indians come from?"
-- Custer, 1877

7. "Any @#$%ing Idiot could understand that."
-- Einstein, 1938

6. "It does so @#$%ing look like her!"
-- Picasso, 1926

5. "How the @#$% did you work that out?"
-- Pythagoras, 126 BC

4. "You want WHAT on the @#$%ing ceiling?”
-- Michelangelo, 1566

3. "Where the @#$% are we?"
-- Amelia Earhart, 1937

2. "Scattered @#$%ing showers, my ass!"
-- Noah, 4314 BC

1. "Aw c'mon. Who the @#$% is going to find out?"
-- Bill Clinton, 1998


Ted

That is one of the funniest @#$%'ing jokes I've seen in awhile.

The Hillary one wasn't a joke.

A big earthquake with the strength of 8.1 on the Richter scale hits the Middle East. Two million Muslims die and over a million are injured. Iraq, Iran and Syria are totally ruined and the governments don't know where to start with providing help to rebuild.

The rest of the world is in shock.

Britain is sending troops to help keep the peace.

Saudi Arabia is sending oil & monetary assistance.

Latin American countries are sending clothing.

New Zealand and Australia are sending sheep, cattle and food crops.

The Asian countries are sending labor to assist in rebuilding the infrastructure.

Canada is sending medical teams and supplies.

President Donald Trump, not to be outdone, is sending two million replacement Muslims.


Ted

The reason Mayberry was so peaceful and quiet was because nobody
was married. Andy, Aunt Bea, Barney, Floyd, Howard, Goober, Gomer,
Sam, Earnest T Bass, Helen, Thelma Lou, Clara and, of course, Opie
were all single. The only married person was Otis, and he stayed drunk.

Moonstruck said:

The reason Mayberry was so peaceful and quiet was because nobody
was married. Andy, Aunt Bea, Barney, Floyd, Howard, Goober, Gomer,
Sam, Earnest T Bass, Helen, Thelma Lou, Clara and, of course, Opie
were all single. The only married person was Otis, and he stayed drunk.

Click to expand...

Excellent observation!

We live in a very rural sector, on side of small mountain... in the country side; 5 miles west of Fairfax CA (we're closer to Sir Francis Drake Bay on the Pacific). Back in the day... Fairfax was the residence of Bohemians (often wealthy ones). Today it is colloquially termed "Mayberry on Acid"! It is a cool, laidback town of 6K +/- population with few cops, two stop lights and fun shops/activities.

Here's a couple (well, one for now).

I lied

Last one. So get off the computer and go boating!

Lou Buys A Computer

You have to be old enough to remember Abbott and Costello to fully appreciate this.
For those of us who sometimes get flustered by our computers, please read on.


If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous sketch, 'Who's on First?' might have turned out something like this:

COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: Thanks I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.

ABBOTT: Your computer?

COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.

ABBOTT: What about Windows?

COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?

ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?

COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?

ABBOTT: Wallpaper.

COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.

ABBOTT: Software for Windows?

COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?

ABBOTT: I just did.

COSTELLO: You just did what?

ABBOTT: Recommend something.

COSTELLO: You recommended something?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: For my office?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!

ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.

COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?

ABBOTT: Word.

COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOTT: Word in Office.

COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.

ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?

ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue 'W'.

COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue 'W' if you don't start with some straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping? Do you have anything I can track my money with?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?

ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.

COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?

ABBOTT: Yes. At no extra charge.

COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?

ABBOTT: One copy.

COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?

ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.

COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?

ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT !

(A few days later)

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?
ABBOTT: Click on 'START.'

Senior Trying To Set A Password


WINDOWS : Please enter your new password.

USER: cabbage

WINDOWS : Sorry, the password must be more than 8 characters.

USER: boiled cabbage

WINDOWS : Sorry, the password must contain 1 numerical character.

USER : 1 boiled cabbage

WINDOWS : Sorry, the password cannot have blank spaces.

USER: 50fockingboiledcabbages

WINDOWS : Sorry, the password must contain at least one upper case character.

USER : 50FOCKINGboiledcabbages

WINDOWS : Sorry, the password cannot use more than one upper case character consecutively.

USER:50FockingBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourAssIfYouDon'tGiveMeAccessNow!

WINDOWS : Sorry, the password cannot contain punctuation.

USER:ReallyPissedOff50FockingBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourAssIfYouDontGiveMeAccessNow

WINDOWS: Sorry, that password is already in use.



Ted

Several years ago, I accidentally overturned my golf cart.
Elizabeth, a very, very attractive and keen golfer, who lived in a villa on the golf course,

heard the noise and called out: "Are you okay? What's your name?"

"It's John, and I'm okay, thanks," I replied as I pulled myself out from underneath of the twisted Cart.

"John, she said, (loose breasts undulating beneath her white terry robe) "forget your troubles. Come to my villa, rest a while and I'll help you get the cart up later."


"That's mighty nice of you," I answered, "but I don't think my wife would like it."


"Oh, come on, now " Elizabeth insisted. She was so very pretty, very sexy and very persuasive... I was weak.

"Well okay," I finally agreed and thought to myself, "but my wife won't like it."

After a few restorative Scotch and waters, I thanked Elizabeth. "I feel a lot better now, but I know my wife is going to be really upset. So I best go now."

"Don't be silly!" Elizabeth said with a smile, letting her robe fall open slightly. "She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"

"Still under the cart, I guess"

OK, so one more golf story

credit golf . . . or is it wine ? ? ! !

Silvio, an 80-year-old Italian goes to the doctor for a check-up. The doctor is amazed at what good shape the guy is in and asks, 'how do
You stay in such great physical condition?'

I'm Italian and I am a golfer,' says Silvio, 'and that's why I'm in such good shape. I'm up well before daylight and out golfing up and down the fairways.
I have a glass of vino, and all is well.'

http://


"'Well' says the doctor, 'I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more to it. How old was your Father when he died?

http://


"Who said he was dead?"

The doctor is amazed. 'You mean you're 80 years old and your Father's still alive. How old is he?'

'He's 100 years old,' says Silvio. 'In fact he golfed with me this morning, and then we went to the topless beach for a walk and had a little vino and that's why he's still alive. He's Italian and he's a golfer, too.'

'Well,' the doctor says, 'that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it than that. How about your Father's Father? How old was he when he died?'

'Who said my Nonno's dead?'

Stunned, the doctor asks, 'you mean you're 80 years old andyour grandfather's still living! Incredible, how old is he?'

http://

'He's 118 years old,' says the Old Italian golfer.

The doctor is getting frustrated at this point,
'So, I guess he went golfing with you this morning too?'

'No, Nonno couldn't go this morning because he's getting married today.'

At this point the doctor is close to losing it. 'Getting married? Why would a 118 year- old guy want to get married?'
'Who said he wanted to?

I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
[FONT=HelveticaNeue,Helvetica Neue,Helvetica,Arial,Lucida Grande,sans-serif][/FONT]

Can you cry under water?

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?


Why do you have to "put your two cents in"...but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going? (taxes)

Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?

What disease did cured ham actually have?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?


Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.

Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane ?

If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Why Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

Why did you just try singing the two songs above?

Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the ATMOSPHERE, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?