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Tax Time


A woman walks into an accountant's office and tells himthat she needs to file her taxes.

The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need toask you a few questions." He gets her name, address, social securitynumber, etc. And then asks, "What's your occupation?"

"I'm a prostitute," she says.

The accountant is somewhat taken aback and says," Let's try to rephrase that."

The woman says, "OK, I'm a high-end callgirl".

"No, that still won't work. Try again."

They both think for a minute; then the woman says,"I'm an elite chicken farmer."

The accountant asks, "What does chicken farminghave to do with being a prostitute?"

"Well, I raised a thousand little peckers lastyear."

"Chicken Farmer it is."
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A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing. He is on the second hole when he notices afrog sitting next to the green. Hethinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears,Ribbit 9 Iron."

The man looks around and doesn't see anyone. Again, he hears, "Ribbit 9Iron.." He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts the club away, and grabs a 9 iron.

Boom! He hits it 10 inches from the cup.He is shocked. He says to the frog, "Wow that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog, eh?


The frog replies, "Ribbit Lucky frog." The man decides to take the frog with him tothe next hole.


"What do you think frog?" the man asks. "Ribbit 3 wood."


The guy takes out a 3 wood and, Boom! Hole in one. The man is befuddled anddoesn't know
what to say.By the end of the day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life and asksthe frog, "OK where to next?" The frog replies, "Ribbit Las Vegas.


They go to Las Vegas and the guy says,"OK frog, now what?"The frog says, "Ribbit Roulette." Upon approaching the roulette table, The manasks, "What do you think I should bet?"

The frog replies, "Ribbit $3000, black 6."


Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game the man figures what the heck.

Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table.


The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel. He sits thefrog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You've won me all this money and I am forevergrateful."


The frog replies, "Ribbit Kiss Me."


He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him, he deserves it.With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous 15-year-old girl."

“And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room. So help me God
or my name is not William JeffersonClinton."
 
[FONT=&quot]A Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a Flight from
London. After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken.
The Irishman asked for a whisky, which was promptly brought and placed
before him.

The flight attendant asked the Mormon if he would like a drink.
He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped
by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips.”
"The Irishman handed his drink back to the attendant and said,
"Me, too! Hey, I didn't know we had a choice."[/FONT]


[FONT=&quot]Â [/FONT]
 
Conjoined twins walk into a pub in Toronto and park themselves on a bar stool.

One of them says to the bartender, "Don't mind us, we're joined at the hip. I'm John, he's Jim. Two Molson Canadian beers please."

The bartender, feeling slightly awkward, tries to make polite conversation while pouring the beers. "Been on holiday, lads?"

"Off to England next month," says John. "We go to England every year, hire a car, and drive for miles, don't we, Jim?" Jim agrees.

"Ah, England!" says the bartender. "Wonderful Country...the history, the beer, the culture..."

"Nah, we don't like that British crap," says John. "Hamburgers and Molson's beer, that's us, eh, Jim? And we can't stand the English; they're so arrogant and rude, not civil and polite like us Canadians."

"So why keep going to England?" asks the bartender.

"It's the only chance Jim gets to drive."
 
Just Sayin'
 

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You think you have lived to be 80 plus and know who you are,then along comes someone and blows it all to hell!

An old Marine Pilot sat down at the Starbucks, still wearing his old USMC flight jacket and ordered a cup of coffee.


As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the pilot and asked,

Are you a real pilot?



He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life flying planes, first Stearmans, then the early Grummans... flew a Wildcat and Corsair in WWII, and later in the Korean conflict, Banshees and Cougars. I've taught more than 260 people to fly and given rides to hundreds, so I guess I am a pilot, and you, what are you?


She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women. When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.'


The two sat sipping in silence.


A little while later, a young man sat down on the other side of the old pilot and asked:

"Are you a real pilot?"


He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian
 
You think you have lived to be 80 plus and know who you are,then along comes someone and blows it all to hell!

An old Marine Pilot sat down at the Starbucks, still wearing his old USMC flight jacket and ordered a cup of coffee.


As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the pilot and asked,

Are you a real pilot?



He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life flying planes, first Stearmans, then the early Grummans... flew a Wildcat and Corsair in WWII, and later in the Korean conflict, Banshees and Cougars. I've taught more than 260 people to fly and given rides to hundreds, so I guess I am a pilot, and you, what are you?


She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women. When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.'


The two sat sipping in silence.


A little while later, a young man sat down on the other side of the old pilot and asked:

"Are you a real pilot?"


He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian

I love it !
 
Can you help my friend?

I'm reaching out on behalf of a friend of mine who needs some help and wishes to remain anonymous. His wife told him to go out and get some of those pills that would make him get an erection. When he came back, he handed her diet pills. Anyway, he's looking for a place to live.

Ted
 
God Bless The Scots


A Scot was drinking in a bar in London when he gets a call on his cell phone. He orders drinks for everybody in the bar as he announces, his wife has just produced a typical Scottish baby boy, weighing 25 pounds.

Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the man just shrugs, "That's about average up our way, folks...like I said - my boy's a typical Highland baby boy."


Two weeks later the man returns to the bar. The bartender says, "Say, you're the father of that typical Scottish baby That weighed 25 pounds at birth, aren't you? Everybody has been making' bets about how big he would be in two weeks. So how much does he weigh now?

The proud father answers, "Seventeen pounds."

The bartender is puzzled and concerned. "What Happened? He was 25 pounds the day he was born."

The father takes a slow swig from his Johnny Walker whisky, wipes his lips on his shirtsleeve, leans into the bartender, and proudly says, "Had him circumcised."



 
So this guy goes into work on Monday morning with two shiners and bruises all over his face.


A guy he works with says "Wow, you look like you got your butt kicked. What happened?"


The guy with the shiners says "Well I met this chick in a bar on Saturday nite. We went back to her place and I was banging the hell out of her. I had her bent over her kitchen table and was really giving it to her.


All of a sudden we hear the front door open and she says "Oh ****, that's my husband at the front door. Quick, use the back door."


So the other guy says "What happened then?"


"Well, hell, it's not every day you get an invitation like that from a woman so I figured 'what the heck, it's worth getting my butt kicked for."
 
Picture taken at the recent climate change conference in Paris.

getPart
 
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Greetings,
Mr. A. It's foggy/smoggy. Here's another taken in Shanghai:









It's pretty bad when you have to 'splain things...
 
Greetings,
Mr. A. It's foggy/smoggy. Here's another taken in Shanghai:









It's pretty bad when you have to 'splain things...

RT - Go back to your vid shorts... you're mush better at that... than trying to act sooooo smart
 
Greetings,
OK. Mr. A. Here's an enhanced version of the picture in post #974:

shanghai_smog_net.jpg


Better? I suspect this was taken looking east from the Pearl Tower...
 
POOF, THE LIGHT GOES ON,
AND POOF, THE LIGHT GOES OFF!!

An 80-year-old man goes for a physical.. All of his tests come back with normal results. The doctor says, 'George, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and
emotionally? Are you at peace with God?'

George replies, 'God and I are tight.. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof! The light goes on. When I'm done, poof! the light goes off.'

'Wow, that's incredible,' the doctor says.
A little later in the day, the doctor calls George's wife Ethel,' George is doing fine! But I had to call you because I'm in awe of his relationship with God . Is it true that he gets up during the night and poof! the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he's done, poof! the light goes off?'


'Oh my God!' Ethel exclaims. 'He's peeing in the fridge again.......


 
Took me a minute
 

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Man checks into a small hotel/B&B in Ireland. It`s one of those places where the hot water is turned on only irregularly. The place also did dinner.
At dinner that night, the man was concerned by the cleanliness of the plates. Asked about them, the proprietor responded "They are as clean as cold water can get them"
Next morning at breakfast the plates looked no cleaner. Again the man asked if the plates were clean, and the proprietor gave the same dour reply "They are as clean as cold water can get them".
After breakfast the man checked out. As he tried to get into his car a snarling Irish wolfhound attacked him. He called to the proprietor "Can you call your dog off? The proprietor responded immediately, calling out "Cold Water! Stop that, and come here!"
 
Prostate Exam......more good news


After my recent Prostate Exam at a local General Hospital,
which was one of the most thorough examinations I've ever had,
the Doctor left and the nurse came in.

As she shut the door, she asked me a question I didn't want to hear....


She said...."Who Was That guy?"
 
..
 

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Merle Hagard
1937 - 2016


Rest in peace.


I liked his voice...... and he liked Willie Nelsons pot an awful lot.
 
In a nightmare I found myself nude in bed, and I was looking at a mirror onthe ceiling, and I discovered that I am a Negro, and I'mcircumcised!

Quickly I sat up, found my pants and looked in the pockets to find my driver'slicense photo and it was that same color. Black.

I felt myself being very depressed, downcast, sitting in a chair.

But, it's a wheelchair!! That means, of course, besides being black and Jewish, I'm alsodisabled!!!

I said to myself, aloud "This is impossible. It'simpossible that I should be black and Jewish and disabled."

"It's the pure and holy truth", whispers someone from behind me.

I turn around, and it's my boyfriend.
Just what I needed!!! I am a homosexual, and on top of that with a Mexican
boyfriend.
Oh, my God..... black, Jewish, disabled, gay, with a Mexican boyfriend, drug
addict, and HIV-positive!!!


Desperate, I begin to shout, cry, pull my hair, and Oh, noooooo...I'mbald!!!

The telephone rings. It's my brother.

He is saying, "Since mom and dad died the only thing you do is hangout,
take drugs, and laze around all day doing nothing.

Get a job you lazy sh!t... Anyjob."
Mom?... Dad?... Nooooooooo... Now I'm also an unemployed orphan!


I try to explain to my brother how hard it is to find a job when you are black,Jewish, disabled, gay with a Mexican boyfriend, are a drug addict, HIVpositive, bald, and an orphan. But he doesn't get it.
Frustrated, I hang up.


That's then I realize I only have one hand!!! With tears in my eyes I go tothe window to look out. I see I live ina shanty-town full of cardboard and tin houses! There is
trash everywhere.


Suddenly I feel a sharp pain near my pacemaker.... Pacemaker?

Besides being black, Jewish, disabled, a fairy with a Mexican boyfriend, a drugaddict, HIV positive, bald, orphaned, unemployed, an invalid with one hand, andhaving a bad heart, I live in a crappy neighborhood.

At that very moment my boyfriend approaches and says to me,

"Sweetie pie, my love, my little black heartthrob, have you decided whoyou are going to vote for in the Primary?

Will it be Hillary Clinton or Bernie Sanders ???"

Say it isn't so!!!

I can handle being a black, disabled, one armed, drug addicted, Jewishqueer on a pacemaker who is HIV positive, bald, orphaned, unemployed, living in a slum, with a Mexican boyfriend, but please,oh dear God, please don't tell me....


I'm a Democrat

 
A young Army officer was severely wounded in the head by a grenade. Visible, permanent injury was that both ears were gone.

Since his hearing stayed sufficient, he remained in the Army.

He rose to the rank of Major General. He was, however, very sensitive about his appearance. One day the General was interviewing three servicemen who were candidates for his headquarters staff.

The first was a Captain, a tactical helicopter pilot, and it was a great interview. At the end of the interview the General asked him, 'Do you notice anything different about me?'

The young officer answered, 'Why, yes, Sir, I couldn't help but notice you have no ears.'

The general was displeased with lack of tact and threw him out.

The second interview was with a Navy Lieutenant, and he was even better. The General then asked him the same question, 'Do you notice anything different about me?' He replied sheepishly, 'Well, sir, you have no ears.' The General also threw him out.

The third interview was with an old Sergeant Major, an Infantryman and staff-trained NCO. He was smart, articulate, fit, looked sharp, and seemed to
know more than the two officers combined.

The General liked this guy, and went ahead with the same question, 'Do you notice anything different about me?' To his surprise the Sergeant Major said: 'Yes, sir, you wear contact lenses.'

The General was very impressed and thought, 'What an incredibly observant NCO, and he didn't mention my ears.' He asked, 'Sergeant Major, how do you know I wear contacts?'

'Well sir,' the soldier replied, 'it's pretty hard to wear glasses with no freaking ears!'
 
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