Humor

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There was this Chinese girl at a travel agency when I was in Shanghai , I asked her if she could escort me for a city tour and asked for her mobile number, so I could call her to make arrangements.


She got excited and said:
"sex sex sex, wan free sex for tonigh"


Wow, I'm guessing this is how Chinese women express their hospitality!


But then, my friend interpreted it for me and told me what she really said : 666 13 6429
 
Girls of the night in a foreign country:


Sign on door - $5 big show all night... $10 you participate!
 
Three thirsty strings (yes...strings) were walking down Bourbon Street contemplating a nice cold beer. They stopped outside a tavern but a sign on the door read "WE DON'T SERVE STRINGS!". One string proclaimed "I don't care about that sign, I'm going in ad get us some beers". Off he inched into the bar, climbed up a barstool leg and politely asked the bartender for three beers. The bartender said "can't you read??? WE DON'T SERVE STRINGS! GET OUT OF MY BAR!!!". Dejected the string inched outside and told his friends of the defeat. A second string said "I won't stand for this insult...I'll show you how its done" and went in the bar. He rapped loudly on the bar and said with a bit of force "HEY BARTENDER...THREE BEERS PRONTO". The bartender, none too amused, flicked the string off the barstool with his finger and shouted "GET YOUR STRING ARSE OUT OF MY BAR AND DON'T COME BACK". Once outside the second string dusted himself off and said "Man, that guy is tough; no way he is going to serve us". The last string said "don't fret, I've got this". He began to unravel himself, curl up into a ball and roll on into the bar and up on a stool. He then asked the curious bartender for three beers. The bartender gave him a rather puzzled look and asked "Hey....are you a string?" He replied "no...I'm a frayed knot":D:D:D
 
Dog-food diet

A RETIREE'S LAST TRIP TO COSTCO!!

Yesterday I was at Costco, buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Owen , the Wonder Dog and was in the check-out line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog. What did she think I had an elephant?

So because I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse, I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete, (certified), so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care, because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I had stopped to pee on a fire hydrant and a car hit me.

Well, I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.

(From a friend on Grand Banks Owners Forum)
 
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[FONT=&quot]GREAT TRUTHS[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]
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[FONT=&quot]1. In my many years I have come to a conclusion that one useless man [/FONT][FONT=&quot]is a shame, two is a law firm,[/FONT][FONT=&quot]and three or more is a congress.[/FONT][FONT=&quot]-- John Adams[/FONT]
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[FONT=&quot]2. If you don't read the newspaper [/FONT][FONT=&quot]you are uninformed, if you do [/FONT][FONT=&quot]read the newspaper you are [/FONT][FONT=&quot]misinformed. -- Mark Twain[/FONT]
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[FONT=&quot]3. Suppose you were an idiot. And [/FONT][FONT=&quot]suppose you were a member of [/FONT][FONT=&quot]Congress. But then I repeat [/FONT][FONT=&quot]myself. -- Mark Twain[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]
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[FONT=&quot]4. I contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a [/FONT][FONT=&quot]man standing in a bucket and [/FONT][FONT=&quot]trying to lift himself up by the [/FONT][FONT=&quot]handle. --Winston Churchill[/FONT]
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[FONT=&quot]5. A government which robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on[/FONT][FONT=&quot] the support of Paul. -- George [/FONT][FONT=&quot]Bernard Shaw[/FONT]
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[FONT=&quot]6. A liberal is someone who feels a [/FONT][FONT=&quot]great debt to his fellow man, which debt he proposes to pay off with your money. -- G. Gordon[/FONT][FONT=&quot] Liddy[/FONT]
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[FONT=&quot]7. Democracy must be something [/FONT][FONT=&quot]more than two wolves and a sheep [/FONT][FONT=&quot]voting on what to have for dinner.--James Bovard,[/FONT][FONT=&quot]Civil[/FONT][FONT=&quot] Libertarian (1994)[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]
[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]8. Foreign aid might be defined as a [/FONT][FONT=&quot]transfer of money from poor people in rich countries to rich people in poor countries.[/FONT][FONT=&quot]-- Douglas Case,[/FONT][FONT=&quot] Classmate of Bill Clinton at Georgetown University. [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]
[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]9. Giving money and power to [/FONT][FONT=&quot]government is like giving whiskey [/FONT][FONT=&quot]and car keys to teenage boys.[/FONT][FONT=&quot]-- P. J. O'Rourke, [/FONT][FONT=&quot]Civil Libertarian [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]
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[FONT=&quot]10. Government is the great fiction,[/FONT][FONT=&quot]through which everybody [/FONT][FONT=&quot]endeavors to live at the expense [/FONT][FONT=&quot]of everybody else. [/FONT][FONT=&quot]-- Frederic [/FONT][FONT=&quot]Bastiat[/FONT][FONT=&quot],[/FONT][FONT=&quot] French economist(1801-1850) [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]
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[FONT=&quot]11. Government's view of the [/FONT][FONT=&quot]economy could be summed up[/FONT][FONT=&quot]in a few short phrases: If it[/FONT][FONT=&quot] moves, tax it. If it keeps [/FONT][FONT=&quot]moving, regulate it. And if it[/FONT][FONT=&quot] stops moving, subsidize it.[/FONT][FONT=&quot]-- Ronald Reagan (1986)[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]
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[FONT=&quot]12. I don't make jokes. [/FONT][FONT=&quot]I just watch [/FONT][FONT=&quot]the government and report the [/FONT][FONT=&quot]facts. -- Will Rogers[/FONT]
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[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]13. If you think health care is [/FONT][FONT=&quot]expensive now, wait until you[/FONT][FONT=&quot] see what it costs when it's free![/FONT][FONT=&quot]-- P. J. O'Rourke[/FONT]
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[FONT=&quot]14. In general, the art of government[/FONT][FONT=&quot] consists of taking as much[/FONT][FONT=&quot]money as possible from one [/FONT][FONT=&quot]party of the citizens to give to[/FONT][FONT=&quot]the other. --Voltaire (1764)[/FONT]
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[FONT=&quot]15. Just because you do not take an [/FONT][FONT=&quot]interest in politics doesn't mean [/FONT][FONT=&quot]politics won't take an interest [/FONT][FONT=&quot]in you! -- Pericles [/FONT][FONT=&quot](430 B.C.) [/FONT]
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[FONT=&quot]16. No man's life, liberty, or [/FONT][FONT=&quot]property is safe while the [/FONT][FONT=&quot]legislature is in session.[/FONT][FONT=&quot]-- Mark Twain (1866)[/FONT]
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[FONT=&quot]17. Talk is cheap, except when[/FONT][FONT=&quot] Congress does it. -- Anonymous[/FONT]
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[FONT=&quot]18. The government is like a baby's [/FONT][FONT=&quot]alimentary canal, with a happy [/FONT][FONT=&quot]appetite at one end and no [/FONT][FONT=&quot]responsibility at the other.[/FONT][FONT=&quot]-- Ronald Reagan[/FONT]
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[FONT=&quot]19. The inherent vice of capitalism is [/FONT][FONT=&quot]the unequal sharing of the blessings.[/FONT][FONT=&quot]The inherent blessing of socialism is the equal sharing of misery. --[/FONT][FONT=&quot]Winston Churchill[/FONT]
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[FONT=&quot]20. The only difference between a [/FONT][FONT=&quot]tax man and a taxidermist is that [/FONT][FONT=&quot]the taxidermist leaves the skin.[/FONT][FONT=&quot]--[/FONT][FONT=&quot]Mark Twain[/FONT]
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[FONT=&quot]21. The ultimate result of shielding[/FONT][FONT=&quot] men from the effects of folly is to fill the world with fools.[/FONT][FONT=&quot]-- Herbert Spencer,[/FONT][FONT=&quot][FONT=&quot]E[/FONT]nglish Philosopher (1820-1903) [/FONT]
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[FONT=&quot]22. There is no distinctly Native [/FONT][FONT=&quot]American criminal class, save [/FONT][FONT=&quot]Congress. -- Mark Twain[/FONT]
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[FONT=&quot]23. What this country needs are [/FONT][FONT=&quot]more unemployed politicians[/FONT][FONT=&quot]-- Edward Langley, [/FONT][FONT=&quot]Artist (1928-1995) [/FONT]
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[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]24. A government big enough to give you everything you want, is[/FONT][FONT=&quot] strong enough to take everything[/FONT][FONT=&quot] you have. -- Thomas Jefferson[/FONT]
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[FONT=&quot]25. We hang the petty thieves and [/FONT][FONT=&quot]appoint the great ones to public [/FONT][FONT=&quot]office. -- Aesop[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]
[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]FIVE BEST SENTENCES[/FONT]
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[FONT=&quot]1. You cannot legislate the poor into [/FONT][FONT=&quot]prosperity, by legislating the wealthy out of prosperity.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]
[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]2. What one person receives without[/FONT][FONT=&quot] working for, another person must [/FONT][FONT=&quot]work for without receiving.[/FONT]
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[FONT=&quot]3. The government cannot give to [/FONT][FONT=&quot]anybody anything that the[/FONT][FONT=&quot]government does not first take[/FONT][FONT=&quot] from somebody else.[/FONT]
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[FONT=&quot]4. You cannot multiply wealth by [/FONT][FONT=&quot]dividing it.[/FONT]
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[FONT=&quot]5. When half of the people get the [/FONT][FONT=&quot]idea that they do not have to work, because the other half is going to take care of them, and when the other half gets the idea that it does no good to work, because somebody else is going to get what they work for, that is the [/FONT][FONT=&quot]beginning of the end of any nation!


[FONT=&quot]Ted[/FONT]
[/FONT]
 
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Once in a whore house

Bob, a middle-aged Canadian tourist on his first visit to Lincoln, Nebraska,

locates the red light district and enters a large brothel.




The madam asks him to be seated and sends over a young lady to entertain the client.

They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap.

He whispers in her ear and she gasps and runs away!




Seeing this, the madam sends over a more experienced lady to entertain the gentleman.

They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap.

He whispers in her ear and she screams, No!" and walks quickly away!




The madam is surprised that this ordinary looking man has asked for something so outrageous that her two girls will have nothing to do with it.




She decides that only her most experienced lady, Lola, will do. Lola looks a bit tired,

but she has never said no and it doesn't seem likely that anything would surprise her. So the madam sends her over to Bob.

They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear and she screams,

"NO WAY, BUDDY!" smacks him as hard as she can and literally runs away!




Madam is by now absolutely intrigued, having seen nothing like this in all her years of operating a brothel. She hasn't done the bedroom work herself for a long time,

but she did it for many years before she got into management. She's sure she has said yes at one time or another to everything a man could possibly ask for.

The challenge is irresistible.




She just has to find out what this man has wanted that has made her girls so angry.

And she sees a chance she can't pass up to show off to her employees how good she was at what they do.

So she goes over to Bob and says that she's the best in the house and she is available.

She sits and talks with him. They frolic a bit, giggle a bit, and drink a little, and she sits in his lap.

And Bob leans forward and whispers in her ear, "Can I pay in Canadian dollars?" :rofl::rofl:
 
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Golf and Sex (Oz humor?)

Sex & Golf

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Professor Higgins at the University of Sydney was giving a lecture on 'Involuntary Muscle Contraction' to the first year medical students.

This was not an exciting subject and the professor decided to lighten up the mood. He pointed to a young woman in the front row and asked, "Do you know what your A$$-hole is doing while you're having an orgasm?"

She replied, "Probably golfing with his buddies."

t took 45 minutes to restore order in the classroom.
 
7. Democracy must be something [/FONT][/COLOR][FONT=&quot]more than two wolves and a sheep [/FONT][FONT=&quot]voting on what to have for dinner.--James Bovard,[/FONT][FONT=&quot]Civil[/FONT][FONT=&quot] Libertarian (1994)[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]

[FONT=&quot]Ted[/FONT]
[/FONT]


Corollary....A Republic is a well armed sheep contesting the vote!!!
 
Greetings,
You probably missed the news article and being most of us probably do some fishing, I'll provide a synopsis...

The famous Kokanee Salmon of Kootenay Lake, BC have been in unexplained decline since the late 70's. Fisheries scientists, in a effort to revitalize the species and increase sport fishing revenue have undertaken a genetic cross breeding program.
A successful cross was achieved between the Kokanee and the Walleye and named the Kowalleye. Fast growing and able to adapt to the changing environment of Kootenay Lake the Kowalleye was thought to be a good strain to re-stock the lake with. Unfortunately it proved to be a failure as a game fish due to it's lackluster fighting qualities.
A further cross was successfully completed with the introduction of Muskie genes. This was named the Kowalski...The scientists are now attempting to teach them how to swim.
 

Ira Kaplan, hadn't returned to the old neighborhood since he went off to fight in Vietnam. During a business trip to New York he visits his old neighborhood on Kotler Avenue in the Bronx.

Everything has changed over the years. Where once there was Edelstein’s Delicatessen, there is now a McDonald’s; where Fleischman’s Dry Cleaning (One-Hour Martinizing) used to be, a Korean nail salon and spa now is; where Ginsberg’s Department Store was, there is now a Gap.

Nothing is the same, except for the narrow storefront of Klonsky’s Shoe Repair, which, dimly lit as ever, is still in business.

As Kaplan passes the shop, he recalls (such are the quirks of memory that he does not know how) that just before he was drafted to go off to Vietnam, he had left a pair of shoes with Mr. Klonsky that he never bothered to pick up. Could they, he wonders, possibly still be there?

A small bell tinkles as he enters the dark shop.

Mr. Klonsky, who seemed old 40 years ago, shuffles out from the back. He is hunched over, wearing a leather apron, one eye all but closed.

“Excuse me, Mr. Klonsky,” Kaplan says, “but I used to live in this neighborhood, and 40 years ago I left a pair of shoes with you for repair that I never picked up. Is there any chance you might still have them?”

Klonsky stares at him and, in his strong Eastern European accent, asks, “Vas dey black vingtips?”

“They were indeed,” Kaplan only now recalls.

“And you vanted a halv sole, mit rubber heels?”

“Yes,” says Kaplan. “That’s exactly what I wanted.”

“And you vanted taps on the heels only?”

“Yes, yes,” says Kaplan. “Amazing! Do you still have them?”

Mr. Klonsky looks up at him, his good eye asquint, and says, “Dey’ll be ready Vendsday.”







 
Best 2 balls I hit on the golf course yesterday was when I stood on the sand rake.
 
ForumRunner_20160108_225622.jpg


]
 
Thanks Craig!
Once i saw it i couldn't figure out how to fix it.
 
All drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name.

Example, the trade name is Tylenol and its generic name is
Acetaminophen..

Aleve is also called Naproxen.

Amoxil is also called Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra.

After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it
recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of
Mycoxafloppin.

Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix,
and of course, Ibepokin.

Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in
liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage
suitable for use as a mixer.

It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one.

Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new
meaning to the names of 'cocktails', 'highballs' and just a good
old-fashioned 'stiff drink'.

Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.

Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast
implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research.

This means that by 2020, there should be a large elderly population
with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of
what to do with them.
 
When I was in school I was told.....


Pussy was a cat
Sex meant gender
B!itch was a female dog
Dick was a name
Bang was a sound
Rubber was what you wore to keep your shoes dry
Ass was an animal
Screw was just a tool
Head meant a part of the body
Balls meant a round toy
Nuts grew on trees
69 was just a number.


Then I came across all you jerkoffs and my education was ruined.


Thanks Guys!
 
Early morning, Monday 1/11/2016:

Home Depot parking lot boat sale... All loaded accessories included!

Trailer registration 1999 :facepalm: :rofl:
 

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Dave Barry's colonoscopy journal:
Â
I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy.Â
Â
A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis .Â
Â
Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner.Â
Â
I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, quote, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!'
Â
I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven.Â
Â
I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America's enemies.
Â
I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous.Â
Â
Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation.Â
Â
In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor.
Â
Then, in the evening , I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder together in a one-liter plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32 gallons). Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.
Â
The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose, watery bowel movement may result'.Â
Â
This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.
Â
MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here, but: have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt.
Â
You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything, and basically end up peeing out your rear.
Â
And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.
Â
After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep.Â
Â
The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?' How do you apologize to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough.
Â
At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts; the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked.
Â
Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep.Â
Â
At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house.
Â
When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point.
Â
Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand.
Â
There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was 'Dancing Queen' by ABBA. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' had to be the least appropriate.
Â
'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me.
Â
'Ha ha,' I said. And then it was time; the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.
Â
I have no idea! Really! I slept through it! One moment, ABBA was yelling, 'Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,' and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood.
Â
Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that It was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors. I have never been prouder of an internal organ.
Â
ABOUT THE WRITER
Â
Dave Barry is a Pulitzer Prize-winning humor columnist for the Miami Herald.
Â
On the subject of Colonoscopies...
Â
Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite humorous..... A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:
Â
1. 'Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!'
Â
2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'
Â
3. 'Can you hear me NOW?'
Â
4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?'
Â
5. 'You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married.'
Â
6. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?'

7. 'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out...'
Â
8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'
Â
9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!'
Â
10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.'
Â
11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?'
Â
12. 'God, now I know why I am not gay.'
Â
        And the best one of all.
Â
13. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?'
=





 
Two nuns are riding their bicycles down the back streets of Rome.
One nun leans over to the other and says "I've never come this way before."
The other nun whispers "Its the cobblestones."
 
Early morning, Monday 1/11/2016:

Home Depot parking lot boat sale... All loaded accessories included!

Trailer registration 1999 :facepalm: :rofl:

 

Â

[FONT=&quot] [FONT=&quot]
[FONT=&quot]Ole, the smoothest-talking Norwegian in the Minnesota National Guard, got called up to active duty. Ole's first assignment was in a military induction center.Â

Because he was a good talker, they assigned him the duty of advising new recruits about government benefits, especially the GI life insurance, to which they were entitled.Â

The officer in charge soon noticed that Ole was getting a 99% sign-up rate for the more expensive supplemental form of GI insurance. This was remarkable, because it cost these low-income recruits $30 per month for the higher coverage, compared to what the government was already providing at no charge.Â

The officer decided he'd sit in the back of the room at the next briefing and observe Ole's sales pitch.Â

Ole stood up before the latest group of inductees and said, "If you haf da normal GI insurans an' yoo go to Afghanistan an' get yourself killed, da governmen' pays yer beneficiary $20,000. If yoo take out da supplemental insurans, vich cost you only t'irty dollars a mont , den da governmen' got ta pay yer beneficiary $200,000!"Â

"Now," Ole concluded, "Vich bunch you tink dey gonna send ta Afghanistan first?"[/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]




Â


[/FONT]

[/FONT]







 
…... An old time golfer comes in from a round of golf at a new course and heads into the grill.

As he passes through the swinging doors he sees a sign hanging over the bar:
Cold Beer: $2.00
Hamburger: $2.25
Cheeseburger: $2.50
Chicken Sandwich : $3.50
Hand Job: $50.00

Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary payment, the old golfer walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender who is serving drinks to a couple of sun-wrinkled golfers.

She glides down behind the bar to the old golfer. "Yes?" she inquires with a wide, knowing smile, "May I help you?"

The old golfer leans over the bar and whispers:

"I was wondering, young lady, are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?"

She looks into his eyes with that wide smile and purrs: "Yes Sir, I sure am."

The old golfer leans closer and into her left ear says softly:

"Well, wash your hands real f*cking good because I want a cheeseburger!"
 


Â


Knowledge is Power









Â
'A SHOT OF WHISKEY' - In the old west a .45 cartridge for a six-gun cost 12 cents, so did a glass of whiskey. If a cowhand was low on cash he would often give the bartender a cartridge in exchange for a drink. This became known as a "shot" of whiskey. Â
Â
Â
BUYING THE FARM -Â This is synonymous with dying. During WW1 soldiers were given life insurance policies worth $5,000. This was about the price of an average farm so if you died you "bought the farm" for your survivors.Â
Â
IRON CLAD CONTRACT -Â This came about from the ironclad ships of the Civil War. It meant something so strong it could not be broken.
Â
RIFF RAFF -Â The Mississippi River was the main way of traveling from north to south. Riverboats carried passengers and freight but they were expensive so most people used rafts. Everything had the right of way over rafts which were considered cheap. The steering oar on the rafts was called a "riff" and this transposed into riff-raff, meaning low class.Â
Â
COBWEB - The Old English word for “spider" was "cob".Â
Â
SHIP STATE ROOMS - Traveling by steamboat was considered the height of comfort. Passenger cabins on the boats were not numbered. Instead they were named after states. To this day cabins on ships are called staterooms. Â
Â
SLEEP TIGHT- Early beds were made with a wooden frame. Ropes were tied across the frame in a criss-cross pattern. A straw mattress was then put on top of the ropes. Over time the ropes stretched, causing the bed to sag. The owner would then tighten the ropes to get a better night’s sleep.Â
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SHOWBOAT - These were floating theaters built on a barge that was pushed by a steamboat. These played small town along the Mississippi River . Unlike the boat shown in the movie "Showboat" these did not have an engine. They were gaudy and attention grabbing which is why we say someone who is being the life of the party is “showboating".Â
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OVER A BARREL -Â In the days before CPR a drowning victim would be placed face down over a barrel and the barrel would be rolled back and forth in an effort to empty the lungs of water. It was rarely effective. If you are over a barrel you are in deep trouble.Â
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BARGE IN -Â Heavy freight was moved along the Mississippi in large barges pushed by steamboats. These were hard to control and would sometimes swing into piers or other boats. People would say they "barged in".
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HOGWASH - Steamboats carried both people and animals. Since pigs smelled so bad they would be washed before being put on board. The mud and other filth that was washed off was considered useless “hog wash".
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CURFEW - The word "curfew" comes from the French phrase "couvre-feu", which means "cover the fire". It was used to describe the time of blowing out all lamps and candles. It was later adopted into Middle English as “curfeu" which later became the modern "curfew". In the early American colonies homes had no real fireplaces so a fire was built in the center of the room. In order to make sure a fire did not get out of control during the night it was required that, by an agreed upon time, all fires would be covered with a clay pot called-a “curfew".
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BARRELS OF OIL - When the first oil wells were drilled they had made no provision for storing the liquid so they used water barrels. That is why, to this day, we speak of barrels of oil rather than gallons. Â
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HOT OFF THE PRESS - As the paper goes through the rotary printing press friction causes it to heat up. Therefore, if you grab the paper right off the press it’s hot. The expression means to get immediate information.
There, don't you feel smarter now?   Betcha Didn’t Know That  Â
The liquid inside young coconuts can be used as a substitute for Blood plasma.Â
No piece of paper can be folded in half more than seven (7) times.
Â
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Oh go ahead 'll wait...
Donkeys kill more people annually than plane crashes or shark attacks.Â
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  You burn more calories sleeping than you do watching television.
Â
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Oak trees do not produce acorns until they are fifty (50) years of age, or older.
Â
The first product to have a bar code was Wrigley's gum. The King of Hearts is the only king WITHOUT A MOUSTACHE Â
Â
American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating one (1) olive
from each salad served in first-class.



Venus is the only planet that rotates clockwise.Â
Â
(Since Venus is normally associated with women, what does this tell you?)Â
Â
(That women are going in the 'right' direction...?)*..
Â
Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning.Â
Â
Most dust particles in your house are made from DEAD SKIN! Â
Â
The first owner of the Marlboro Company died of lung cancer.
So did the first 'Marlboro Man'.Â

Â
Walt Disney was afraid OF MICE!Â
Â
PEARLS DISSOLVE IN VINEGAR!Â
Â
The ten most valuable brand names on earth:  Apple, Coca Cola, Google, IBM, Microsoft, GE, McDonalds, Samsung, Intel, and Toyota, Â
in that order.Â

Â
It is possible to lead a cow upstairs...But, not downstairs.
Â
(Why would you want to take a cow upstairs?Â
Â
Sounds perverted to me.)Â
Â
A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why.Â
Â
Dentists have recommended that a toothbrush be kept at least six (6) feet away from a toilet to avoid airborne particles resulting from the flush.Â
Â
(I keep my toothbrush in the living room now!)Â
Â
 Turtles can breathe through their butts.Â
Â
(I know some people like that, don't YOU?)Â
Â
Remember, knowledge is everything, so pass it on......
Â
Now go move your toothbrush!Â
Â
And stop folding that paper!













 
Good stuff Fred - Wifie will be read these this eve!
 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Art
Early morning, Monday 1/11/2016:

Home Depot parking lot boat sale... All loaded accessories included!

Trailer registration 1999 :facepalm: :rofl:




Ya know, Mark - Way you are smiling... I just gotta ask... you know who dropped that beauty of trailer and boat off??? That your B-Day present! LOL :dance: :rofl: :facepalm: :D
 
A middle-aged frumpy couple return to a Mercedes dealership where the salesman has just sold the car they were interested in to a beautiful, leggy, busty blonde.

"I thought you said you would hold that car till we raised the $75,000 asking price," said the man. "Yet I just heard you close the deal for $65, 000 to the lovely young lady there. You insisted there could be no discount on this model."

"Well, what can I tell you? She had the ready cash and, just look at her, how could I resist?" replied the grinning salesman.

Just then the young woman approached the middle-aged couple and gave them the keys.

"There you go," she said. "I told you I would get the dope to reduce it. See you later, dad.”

Never mess with the old ones!
 

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