Welcome aboard the good ship TF.
Good afternoon, I'm the duty hospitality officer and I will show you around the ship. Follow me please.
On the port side is the engine room, the crew in this area speak in a strange dialect not often understood by the rest of the crew, they tend to be highly skilled and are not considered to be dangerous, although occasionally there will be a dispute about how best to configure the centrifugal capacitor for the main shaft( the MK 1 not the MK2 ).
Next to the engine room on the starboard side, the extreme starboard, is a door that you are not permitted to enter without a senior officer present.Take note of the sign on the door 'OTDE enter at your peril'. Crew have been seen to enter and never be seen again. You will notice that the door is on a watertight bulkhead, this is to protect the rest of the crew. I don't know exactly what they do in there, but rumours have it that they are connected to the navigation of the ship. The charts show stormy waters with the Obama shoals on the port side and with the neocon rip to starboard, it's full of icebergs, which some say are getting smaller. Sometime you will see this crew looking back over the stern of the ship, rumour has it they want us to turn around and go back.
At the forward end of the ship is a small but dedicated crew waiting for the order to drop anchor. They are considered to be entirely harmless and you are free to spend some time with them. However, it's better not to mention too much about anchors, as this just encourages them. The only slight issues this crew has is which is the best anchor to use, although they seem to have every anchor known to man, and then some.
Please follow me to the galley and officers mess. Some say this is the true reason the ship was built in the first place. The members of the ward room are a jolly lot, and as long as supplies are in, it's a good place to congregate. There has only been one instance of unpleasantness recently, a member of the mess had a picture of his empty fridge posted on our bulletin board, this caused great consternation through the normally placid crew. A board of enquiry may be convened.
The small group you see on the upper deck, sitting with their feet on the rail and beer in hand are the Oz east coast crew. That lot are so laid back it's a wonder they don't fall overboard. They are by nature members of the officers mess.
Slightly astern of them are the wood craft and screwdriver brigade, they also incorporate the flush em' away crew. These tend to be ex boy scouts and girl guides who like things neat and tidy, and working properly. They are safe to mingle with and give you good advice just like your mother did. They are nominally led by the senior female officer of the ship.
Last but not least is the bridge. The captain and senior officers pretty much let the ship steam it's own course, dodging those melting icebergs, with the occasional court of enquiry if required. They allow no flogging on board, despite hints from some of the OTDE crew. The good ship TF charts her course somewhere between Gilligan's Island and HMS Surprise(Mater & Commander)
Welcome aboard
So, now I have to ask you two Scots, if you know how copper wire was invented?
