Humor

GFC said:

Democrat, Republican, or Southerner Are you a Democrat, a Republican, or a Southerner?

Here is a little test that will help you decide.

*The answer can be found by posing the following question:*

You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children.

Suddenly, a Terrorist with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, raises the knife, and charges at you...

You are carrying a Kimber 1911 cal. 45 ACP, and you are an expert shot.
You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family.
What do you do?

THINK CAREFULLY AND THEN SCROLL DOWN:

Southerner's Answer:

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
BANG ! BANG! BANG! BANG!
Click..... (Sounds of reloading)
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!BANG!BANG!
Click

Daughter: 'Nice grouping, Daddy!'
'Were those the Winchester Silver Tips or Hollow Points?

Son: 'Can I shoot the next one?

Wife: You are NOT taking that to the Taxidermist!

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yup...Reckon' I really am a Southerner!

O C Diver said:

SIMPLE TRUTH 1:Lovers help each other undress before sex.However after sex, they always dress on their own.

Moral of the story -- In life, no one helps you once you're screwed. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


SIMPLE TRUTH 2:When a lady is pregnant, all her friends touch the stomach and say, "Congrats".But, none of them comes up to the man, touches his penis and say, "Good job".

Moral of the story -- Hard work is rarely appreciated. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


FIVE RULES TO REMEMBER IN LIFE:

1. Money cannot buy happiness - but it's far more comfortable to cry in a Porsche than on a bicycle.

2. Forgive your enemy - but remember the *******'s name.

3. If you help someone when they're in trouble - they will remember you when they're in trouble again.

4. Alcohol does not solve any problems - but then neither does milk.

AND MY PERSONAL FAVORITE...

5. Many people are alive only because it's illegal to shoot them.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

BONUS RULE:Condoms do not guarantee safe sex... A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman's husband!

Ted

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This was friggin' awesome!

Future

A woman worries about the future -- until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future -- until he gets a wife.

"1. Money cannot buy happiness - but it's far more comfortable to cry in a Porsche than on a bicycle."

OC...that is the corollary to the following rule:

Money cannot buy happiness...but it can make misery MUCH more tolerable!

dwhatty said:

Auto Mechanics Hilariously Recreate Renaissance Paintings | Bored Panda

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Well done!

dwhatty said:

Auto Mechanics Hilariously Recreate Renaissance Paintings | Bored Panda

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I thought he was a carpenter.....lol.

Hendo78 said:

Hahahaha isn't only gay if you give? not receive? Hahahahahahahahahahahaha

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We had guys in jail try to justify themselves with that one. We always told em, don't matter if you're catchin or pitchin, you're still playin baseball.

An 86-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up.

The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the 86-year-old said , 'Things are great and I've never felt better.'

I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child.

'So what do you think about that Doc?'

The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began to tell a story.

'I have an older friend , much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season.'

One day he was setting off to go hunting.
In a bit of a hurry , he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun.'
'As he neared a lake, he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's edge. He realized he'd left his gun at home and so he couldn't shoot the magnificent creature.

Out of habit he raised his cane , aimed it at the animal as if it were his favorite hunting rifle and went 'bang, bang'.'
'Miraculously , two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead..

Now, what do you think of that ?' asked the doctor.

The 86-year-old said , 'Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver.'

The doctor replied , 'My point exactly.'

A Scottish Soldier, in full dress uniform, marches
into a pharmacy.

Very carefully he opens his sporran and pulls out
a neatly folded cotton bandana, unfolds it to reveal
a smaller silk square handkerchief, which he also
unfolds - to reveal a condom.

The condom has a number of patches on it.

The chemist holds it up and eyes it critically.

"How much to repair it?' The Scot asks the chemist.

"Six pence" says the chemist.

"How much for a new one?"

"Ten pence" says the chemist.

The Scot painstakingly folds the condom into the
silk square handkerchief and the cotton bandana,
replaces it carefully in his sporran, and marches
out of the door, shoulders back and kilt swinging.

A moment or two later the chemist hears a great
shout go up outside, followed by an even greater
shout.

The Scottish soldier marches back into the
chemist’s and addresses the proprietor, this time
with a grin on his face.

"The regiment has taken a vote," he says.
We'll have a new one."

frgeorgeh said:

Anyone have this in larger size? Having trouble seeing it. ?

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eye test? I thought it was a computer quiz to see if we know how to magnify. And BTW it tiles into pixels so bad at 500X you still can't see it. Maybe if I transfer it to Photo Shop....?

Art said:

Ya gotta love Bob Hope! He and Bing were a funny pair .... On The Road To > > >!!

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I actually met him in person, in 1968, on an elevator in Camp Kui army hospital in Okinawa. I had been Med-Evac'd out of DaNang in November and was fairly ambulatory while waiting for further surgery. In December I was asked to wheel another patient to Xray. After I delivered him I went to the elevator with the wheel chair and when I pushed the button to call it I sat down in the chair to wait for the car. When the door opened, there stood General Westmoreland and Bob Hope who had stopped by "the rock" on his way to Vietnam. Caught, I had no choice but to wheel myself onto the elevator. The General leaned over and said to me, "This is Bob Hope." I replied "I know who he is. Who are you?" Then I saw all his fruit salad and his name tag. I thought "Crap. I'm a dead man." The elevator opened on my floor and I wheeled myself out and when the door closed I stood up and pushed the chair back to my ward.

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?". The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."

There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guys says "OK, now what?"

Rustybarge said:

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?". The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."

There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guys says "OK, now what?"

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I love it !!!

omc said:

I love it !!!

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I've had this experience myself. Lol.

First time I took ex shooting, she started waving a loaded shotgun around pointing it at people; everyone freaked out , I had to unload the gun until she leaned the basics.

Saying that I nearly shot off my own foot climbing over a barbed wire fence; yes, you guessed it, the gun wasn't on safety!!!

Wow !

Rustybarge said:

I've had this experience myself. Lol.

First time I took ex shooting, she started waving a loaded shotgun around pointing it at people; everyone freaked out , I had to unload the gun until she leaned the basics.

Saying that I nearly shot off my own foot climbing over a barbed wire fence; yes, you guessed it, the gun wasn't on safety!!!

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Peter,

The First part of your message is funny, but I'm sorry for you about the second part.
Hunting is fun, security must be an ongoing priority and constant concern, like on the sea. Easy to say, not always easy to do ! It happens to me as well to miss some priority !

omc said:

Peter,

The First part of your message is funny, but I'm sorry for you about the second part.
Hunting is fun, security must be an ongoing priority and constant concern, like on the sea. Easy to say, not always easy to do ! It happens to me as well to miss some priority !

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We've got an old farmers saying here in Ireland:

' A safe gun is more dangerous than a loaded one'

Every year someone gets killed with a supposedly ' unloaded' gun....

Some people say that the devil reloads it when you're not looking. Lol.

I won't relate the circumstances, due to not bringing energy to the early 1980's occurrence. Suffice it to say that every gun is ALWAYS loaded!


No one was injured... by the grace of God, if I may say so.


Made us stand up and take notice like never before; even though we were already safety nuts on guns.

Art said:

I won't relate the circumstances, due to not bringing energy to the early 1980's occurrence. Suffice it to say that every gun is ALWAYS loaded!


No one was injured... by the grace of God, if I may say so.


Made us stand up and take notice like never before; even though we were already safety nuts on guns.

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Exactly.

And unfortuatley its young teenagers and kids who have a fascination with firearms, leading to tragic results ....

Good

Rustybarge said:

We've got an old farmers saying here in Ireland:

' A safe gun is more dangerous than a loaded one'

Every year someone gets killed with a supposedly ' unloaded' gun....

Some people say that the devil reloads it when you're not looking. Lol.

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Good advice, and definitely true !

Talk like a politician

So true ...

Good one, BL!

90 yr old man and 41 year old beauty truly fall in love. They get married.

During 1st night of their honeymoon the girl decides it would be wise, at least on this outset, that they have separate rooms so as to not over tax her new but elderly husband.

Shortly after dinner the wife retires to her bed room.

Not long after there comes a knock on the door. In he comes and a wonderful time is had by both. Then, husband suddenly leaves.

Wife is just really relaxing... and... knock, knock. Again the newlyweds have just too much fun.

Then, off he goes again. This time the wife is tired and begins to fall into slumber. But once again... knock, knock. And what a time they have for the third love making session on that blessed 1st night!

At end of a third set of joyful exercises, while resting in each other's arms... the wife whispers; my goodness darling. You astound me with your sexual prowess and physical vigor. If I didn't know better I'd think you were in your 30's. The first visit was great, second even better... but the third was outstanding. 90 yr old husband sits up quietly, waits a minute, then asks... we've already done this?

Motto anybody

dwhatty said:

Motto anybody

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David that is great!!!!
Any chance you could send me the original file?? I might have some t shirts made????



1983 Present 42 Sundeck
Twin Lehman 135's

Forkliftt said:

David that is great!!!!
Any chance you could send me the original file?? I might have some t shirts made????

1983 Present 42 Sundeck
Twin Lehman 135's

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Hey!!! - I second the notion...

I'd try to get black on white shirts for those hot summer days; white on black for winters. The saying is one of the truest imaginable. Thanks for posting.

Forkliftt said:

David that is great!!!!
Any chance you could send me the original file?? I might have some t shirts made????

1983 Present 42 Sundeck
Twin Lehman 135's

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Don't have an original file. Snarfed it off an internet posting.

Forkliftt said:

David that is great!!!!
Any chance you could send me the original file?? I might have some t shirts made????



1983 Present 42 Sundeck
Twin Lehman 135's

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I would come to Mississippi to get one of those