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Oh Don!

When I was a bit younger I had a saying, " I can drink her pretty, I can drink her thin, I just can't drink her both".
 
Your Bad Don... Bad... Ba Ba BAD!!


But funny!
 
Crusty Chief said:
Oh Don!

When I was a bit younger I had a saying, " I can drink her pretty, I can drink her thin, I just can't drink her both".
Click to expand...

At closing time... when all that remained were the "prettiest"...

Very early 1970's: For the remaining pretties at the bar; "Stop yer grinnen an drop yer linen" was often exclaimed by Penobscot Bay Lobstermen and/or Gloucester Fishermen in my Camden Maine restaurant/tavern. Yes - times in that bar could become quite raucous. :thumb: :D :eek:
 
Art said:
Your Bad Don... Bad... Ba Ba BAD!!


But funny!
Click to expand...

Yeah, Art. I'm on the boat this week totally unsupervised. I am starting to realize that a little supervision is probably not a bad thing.
 
THE OLD TEXAS RANCHER


The banker saw his old friend Tom, an eighty-year old rancher, in town.
Tom had lost his wife a year or so before and rumor had it that he was marrying a 'mail order' bride.
Being a good friend, the banker asked Tom if the rumor was true.

Tom assured him that it was. The banker then asked Tom the age of his new bride to be.
Tom proudly said, 'She'll be twenty-one in November.'
Now the banker, being the wise man that he was, could see that the sexual appetite of a young woman could not be satisfied by an eighty-year- old man.

Wanting his old friend's remaining years to be happy the banker tactfully suggested that Tom should consider getting a hired hand to help him out on the ranch, knowing nature would take its own course.

Tom thought this was a good idea and said he would look for one that afternoon.

About four months later, the banker ran into Tom in town again.

'How's the new wife?', asked the banker.

Tom proudly said, 'Good - she's pregnant.'

The banker, happy that his sage advice had worked out, continued, 'And how's the hired hand?'

Without hesitating, Tom said, 'She's pregnant too.'

Don't ever underestimate old guys .
 
Don... being alone aboard boat... in addition to telling ribald sex jokes... I'm not going to ask what else you may be doing... please don't tell! :socool:
 
That's true Art- this "unsupervised" thing may not be for everybody,,,;).


Forky
1983 Present 42 Sundeck
Twin Lehman 135's
✌️
 
Just to get your day started off right!

:)
 

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Posted recently on the door of the Titanic exhibit in Belfast.
 

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A dog lover, whose dog was a female and "in heat,” agreed to look
after her neighbour's male dog while the neighbor was on vacation. She
had a large house and she believed that she could keep the two dogs
apart.

As she was drifting off to sleep, that night, she heard awful howling
and moaning sounds. She rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked
together, unable to disengage.

Unable to separate them, and even though it was very late, she called
her vet, who answered with a very grumpy voice.

After she explained the problem to him, the vet said, "Hang up the
phone and place it on the floor alongside the dogs. I will then call
you back and the noise of the ringing will make the male lose his erection and they will be
able to separate."

"Do you think that will work?" she asked.

"Just worked for me," he replied.



Ted
 
Good Luck Mr. Gorsky

When Apollo astronaut Neil Armstrong first walked on the moon, he not only gave his famous "one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind" statement but followed it by several remarks, usually com traffic between him, the other astronauts and Mission Control. Just before he re-entered the lander, however, he made the enigmatic remark: "Good luck Mr. Gorsky."
Many people at NASA thought it was a casual remark concerning some rival Soviet Cosmonaut. However, upon checking, there was no Gorsky in either the Russian or American space programs. Over the years many people questioned Armstrong as to what the "Good luck Mr. Gorsky" statement meant, but Armstrong always just smiled.
But, (on July 5, 1995 in Tampa Bay FL) while answering questions following a speech, a reporter brought up the 26 year old question to Armstrong. This time he finally responded. Mr. Gorsky had finally died and so Neil Armstrong felt he could answer the question.
When he was a kid, he was playing baseball with a friend in the backyard. His friend hit a fly ball which landed in the front of his neighbor's bedroom windows. His neighbors were Mr. & Mrs. Gorsky. As he leaned down to pick up the ball, young Armstrong heard Mrs. Gorsky shouting at Mr. Gorsky, "Oral sex! You want oral sex?! You'll get oral sex when the kid next door walks on the moon!"
Apparently a true story.
 
BOB HOPE IN HEAVEN​
For those of you too young to remember Bob Hope, ask your Grandparents and thanks for the memories. WHAT A WONDERFUL E-MAIL.  Â
21

 Â

I HOPE THIS WILL PUT A SMILE ON YOUR FACE AND IN YOUR HEART.
This is a tribute to a man who DID make a difference.  Â

ON TURNING 70Â
'I still chase women, but only downhill.'​
ON TURNING 80Â
'That's the time of your life when even your birthday suit needs pressing.'​
ON TURNING 90Â
'You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.'​
ON TURNING 100Â
'I don't feel old. In fact,   I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap.'​
ON GIVING UP HIS EARLY CAREER, BOXINGÂ
'I ruined my hands in the ring. The referee kept stepping on them.'​
ON NEVER WINNING AN OSCARÂ
'Welcome to the Academy Awards, or, as it's called at my home, 'Passover.'​
ON GOLFÂ
'Golf is my profession. Show business is just to pay the green fees.'​
ON PRESIDENTSÂ
'I have performed for 12 presidents but entertained only six.'​
ON WHY HE CHOSE SHOWBIZ FOR
HIS CAREERÂ
'When I was born, the doctor said to my mother,
Congratulations, you have an eight pound ham.'​
ON RECEIVING THE
CONGRESSIONAL GOLD MEDALÂ
'I feel very humble, but I think I have the strength of character to fight it.'​
ON HIS FAMILY'S EARLY POVERTYÂ
'Four of us slept in the one bed. When it got cold, mother threw on another brother.'​
ON HIS SIX BROTHERSÂ
'That's how I learned to dance. Waiting for the bathroom.'​
ON HIS EARLY FAILURESÂ
'I would not have had anything to eat if it wasn't for the stuff the audience threw at me.'​
ON GOING TO HEAVENÂ
'I've done benefits for ALL religions.
I'd hate to blow the hereafter on a technicality.'Â

Give me a sense of humor Lord, give me the grace to see a joke,Â
To get some humor out of life, and pass it on to other folk. ​

Â​

​

Â
 
Ya gotta love Bob Hope! He and Bing were a funny pair .... On The Road To > > >!!
 
Hope and Chaplin, two great British comedians!
 
Cheer up!



Bill tried to cheer up Hillary this morning by reminding her that Nelson Mandela wasn't elected president until after he had served 27 years in prison.





11990386_10153585444189727_6663021310098523176_n.jpg






















 
Democrat, Republican, or Southerner Are you a Democrat, a Republican, or a Southerner?

Here is a little test that will help you decide.

*The answer can be found by posing the following question:*

You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children.

Suddenly, a Terrorist with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, raises the knife, and charges at you...

You are carrying a Kimber 1911 cal. 45 ACP, and you are an expert shot.
You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family.
What do you do?

THINK CAREFULLY AND THEN SCROLL DOWN:










Democrat's Answer:

� Well, that's not enough information to answer the question!
� What is a Kimber 1911 cal. 45 ACP?
� Does the man look poor or oppressed?
� Is he really a terrorist? Am I guilty of profiling?
� Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?
� Could we run away?
� What does my wife think?
� What about the kids?
� Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand?
� What does the law say about this situation?
� Does the pistol have appropriate safety built into it?
� Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children?
� Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me?
� Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me?
� If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me?
� Should I call 9-1-1?
� Why is this street so deserted?
� We need to raise taxes, have a puff, pass and paint day and everything will be better.
� Can we make this a happier, healthier street that would discourage such behavior.
� I need to debate this with some friends for a few days and try to come to a consensus.
� This is all so confusing!

Republican's Answer:

BANG!

Southerner's Answer:

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
BANG ! BANG! BANG! BANG!
Click..... (Sounds of reloading)
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!BANG!BANG!
Click

Daughter: 'Nice grouping, Daddy!'
'Were those the Winchester Silver Tips or Hollow Points?

Son: 'Can I shoot the next one?

Wife: You are NOT taking that to the Taxidermist!
 
Mike, you forgot the main question a liberal would ask, "Is he upset because this street has no bicycle lanes?"
 
Thank GOD the Republican and Southerner were not in a "Gun Free Zone"

REFUSE TO BE A VICTIM!!!
 
Why I Like Retirement !​

Question: How many days in a week?
Answer: 6 Saturdays, 1 Sunday


Question: When is a retiree's bedtime?
Answer: Two hours after he falls asleep on the couch.






Question: How many retirees to change a light bulb?
Answer: Only one, but it might take all day.


Question: What's the biggest gripe of retirees?
Answer: There is not enough time to get everything done.


Question: Why don't retirees mind being called Seniors?
Answer: The term comes with a 10% discount.


Question: Among retirees, what is considered formal attire?
Answer: Tied shoes.


Question: Why do retirees count pennies?
Answer: They are the only ones who have the time.



Question: What is the common term for someone who enjoys work and refuses to retire?
Answer: NUTS!



Question: Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement, attic or garage?
Answer: They know that as soon as they do, one of their adult kids will want to store stuff there.



Question: What do retirees call a long lunch?
Answer: Normal .


Question: What is the best way to describe retirement?
Answer: The never ending Coffee Break.






Question: What's the biggest advantage of going back to school as a retiree?
Answer: If you cut classes, no one calls your parents.



Question: Why does a retiree often say he doesn't miss work, but misses the people he used to work with?
Answer: He is too polite to tell the whole truth.


And, my very favorite.... QUESTION: What do you do all week?
Answer: Monday through Friday, NOTHING..... Saturday & Sunday, I rest.

SERENITY




Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked,
'How old was your husband?' '98,' she replied....
'Two years older than me'
'So you're 96,' the undertaker commented..
She responded, 'Hardly worth going home, is it?​


Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman:
'And what do you think is the best thing
about being 104?' the reporter asked...
She simply replied, 'No peer pressure.'​


The nice thing about being senile is
you can hide your own Easter eggs​
and have fun finding them.​


I've sure gotten old!
I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement,
new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes.
I'm half blind,
can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine,
take 40 different medications that
make me dizzy, winded, and subject to
blackouts.
Have bouts with dementia.
Have poor circulation;
hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.
Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92.
Have lost all my friends. But, thank God,
I still have my driver's license.​


I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape,
so I got my doctor's permission to
join a fitness club and start exercising.
I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors.
I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But,
by the time I
got my leotards on,
the class was over.​


An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and
told her preacher she had two final requests.
First, she wanted to be cremated, and second,
she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart
'Wal-Mart?' the preacher exclaimed.
'Why Wal-Mart?'
'Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week'​


My memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.​


Know how to prevent sagging?
Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.​


It's scary when you start making the same noises
as your coffee maker.​


These days about half the stuff
in my shopping cart says,
'For fast relief.'​


THE SENILITY PRAYER :
Grant me the senility to forget the people
I never liked anyway,
the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and
the eyesight to tell the
difference.​

Now, I think you're supposed to share this with 5 or 6, maybe 10 others. Oh heck, give it to a bunch of your friends if you can remember who they are!
Always Remember This: You don't stop laughing because you grow old, You grow old because you stop laughing!
 
GFC said:
Democrat, Republican, or Southerner Are you a Democrat, a Republican, or a Southerner?

Here is a little test that will help you decide.

*The answer can be found by posing the following question:*

You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children.

Suddenly, a Terrorist with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, raises the knife, and charges at you...

You are carrying a Kimber 1911 cal. 45 ACP, and you are an expert shot.
You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family.
What do you do?

THINK CAREFULLY AND THEN SCROLL DOWN:










Democrat's Answer:

� Well, that's not enough information to answer the question!
� What is a Kimber 1911 cal. 45 ACP?
� Does the man look poor or oppressed?
� Is he really a terrorist? Am I guilty of profiling?
� Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?
� Could we run away?
� What does my wife think?
� What about the kids?
� Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand?
� What does the law say about this situation?
� Does the pistol have appropriate safety built into it?
� Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children?
� Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me?
� Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me?
� If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me?
� Should I call 9-1-1?
� Why is this street so deserted?
� We need to raise taxes, have a puff, pass and paint day and everything will be better.
� Can we make this a happier, healthier street that would discourage such behavior.
� I need to debate this with some friends for a few days and try to come to a consensus.
� This is all so confusing!

Republican's Answer:

BANG!

Southerner's Answer:

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
BANG ! BANG! BANG! BANG!
Click..... (Sounds of reloading)
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!BANG!BANG!
Click

Daughter: 'Nice grouping, Daddy!'
'Were those the Winchester Silver Tips or Hollow Points?

Son: 'Can I shoot the next one?

Wife: You are NOT taking that to the Taxidermist!
Click to expand...

Thanks Mike and Tina. I like it !
 
So funny

GFC said:
Dear Abby,

My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me from the beginning, and, when I confront him, he denies everything. What's worse, everyone knows that he cheats on me. It is so humiliating.

Also, since he lost his job, he hasn't even looked for a new one.

All he does all day is smoke cigars, cruise around and shoot the bull with his buddies, while I have to work to pay the bills. Since our daughter went away to college years ago he doesn't even pretend to like me, and even hints that I may be a lesbian.

What should I do?

Signed: Clueless

Dear Clueless:
Grow up and dump him. Good grief woman! You don't need him anymore!

You're a Senator from New York running for President of the United States.

Act like one.
Click to expand...

Very funny. I already printed it out !
 
My wife refers to y'all as my imaginary friends, so this made me think of all of you.
 

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Womens Asses

There is a new study, just released, about how women feel about their asses. The results were very interesting.

10% of women think their ass is too skinny.
30% think their ass is too fat.
60% said they didn't care. They love him anyway, he is basically a good man and they wouldn't trade him for the world.
 
YOU HAVE TO LOVE A GOOD NURSE!

A policeman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix.

The doctors operated and advised him that all was well, however,
the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs in his crotch.
Worried that it might be a second surgery and the doctors hadn't
told him about it, he finally got enough energy to pull his
hospital gown up enough so he could look at what
was making him so uncomfortable.

Taped firmly across his pubic hair and private parts
were three wide strips of adhesive tape,
the kind that doesn't come off easily -- if at all.

Written on the tape in large black letters was the sentence,

"Get well soon, from the nurse in the Ford Explorer you pulled over last week."



Ted
 
  • Like
Reactions: Art
Twelve Italian priests were about to be ordained. The final test was
for them to line up in a straight row, totally nude, in a garden....
while

a sexy, beautiful, big breasted, nude model danced before them.


Each priest had a small bell attached to his weenie, and they were told


that anyone whose bell rang when she danced in front of them would


NOT be ordained.... because he had not reached a state of spiritual
purity.


The beautiful model danced before the first candidate, with no


reaction. She proceeded down the line.... with the same response from


all the priests.... until she got to the final priest, Carlos. Poor
Carlos!


As she danced, his bell began to ring so loudly that it flew off onto
the ground.


Embarrassed, Carlos quickly bent over to pick it up....
..... then, all the other bells started to ring.
 
Greetings,

Math for the Fast Lane

This is why math is taught in school.
I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver cut right in front of a pickup truck, causing him to have to drive onto the shoulder to avoid hitting her.
This evidently angered the driver enough that he hung his arm out his window and "flipped" the woman off.
"Man, that guy is stupid," I thought to myself. I ALWAYS smile nicely and wave in a sheepish manner whenever a female does anything to me in traffic, and here's why..........
I drive 48 miles each way every day to work. That's 96 miles each day. Of these, 16 miles each way is bumper-to-bumper. Most of the bumper-to-bumper is on an 8 lane highway. There are 7 cars every 40 feet for 32 miles. That works out to be 982 cars every mile, or 31,424 cars.
Even though the rest of the 32 miles is not bumper to bumper, figure I pass at least another 4000 cars. That brings the number to something like 36,000 cars that I pass everyday.
Statistically, half of these are driven by females.
That's 18,000 women drivers! In any given group of females, 1 in 28 has PMS. That's 642. According to Cosmopolitan, 70% describe their love life as dissatisfying or unrewarding. That's 449.
According to the National Institute of Health, 22% of all females have seriously considered suicide or homicide. That's 98.
And 34% describe men as their biggest problem. That's 33.
According to the National Rifle Association, 5% of all females carry weapons, and this number is increasing.
That means that EVERY SINGLE DAY, I drive past at least one female that has a lousy love life, thinks men are her biggest problem, has seriously considered suicide or homicide, has PMS, and is armed.
Flip one off? ... I think not.
​
 
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