Humor

A few days after Christmas, A mother was working in the kitchen listening to her son playing with his new electric train set in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son yell 'All you sons of b*tches who want to get off, get the hell off now, because this is the last stop! All of you sons of b*tches that are getting on, get your asses in the train cause were leaving'. The mother went in and told her son, 'we don't use that kind of language in this house.' Now I want you to go into your room for two hours. When you come out, you can play with your train, but I don't want to hear any bad language.

Two hours later, the son comes out of his room and continues playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard the son say, 'All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your ride was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon. For those of you who are just boarding the train, we ask that you stow all of your hand luggage under the seat, remember there is no smoking except on the club car. We hope you have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today'.

'For those of you who are pissed off with the two hour delay , please see the b*tch in the kitchen.'

Does this go in the "What are you drinking" thread?

Non Sequitur for August 2.


Non Sequitur Comic Strip on GoComics.com

The Geography of a Woman:

Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa. Half discovered, half wild, fertile and naturally Beautiful!

Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Europe. Well developed and open to trade, especially for someone of real value.

Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain. Very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.

Between 36 and 40, a woman is like Greece. Gently aging but still a warm and desirable place to visit.

Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain, with a glorious and all conquering past.

Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Israel. Has been through war, doesn't make the same mistakes twice, takes care of business.

Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Canada. Self-preserving, but open to meeting new people.

After 70, she becomes Tibet. Wildly beautiful, with a mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages. An adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual knowledge.


THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN:

Between 1 and 100, a man is like North Korea and Zimbabwe; ruled by a pair of nuts.

THE END.Ted

There are only three kinds of people in the world..,.


Those who are good at math and those who aren't.

Spot on Ted!
My exmtherinlaw never missed an opportunity to proudly proclaim that the female persuasion controlled 1/2 the money in the world, and 100% of something else...


1983 Present 42 Sundeck
Twin Lehman 135's

A young ventriloquist is touring Sweden and, one night, he's doing a show in a small fishing town. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his customary dumb-blonde jokes.

Suddenly, a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting, "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype Swedish blonde women that way? What does the color of a woman's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's men like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as people. It's people like you that make others think that all blondes are dumb! You and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only Blondes, but women in general . . . pathetically, all in the name of humor!"

The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde shouts . . .

"You stay out of this! I'm talking to that little **** on your lap!"

A car full of Irish Nuns is sitting at a traffic light when a bunch of rowdy drunks pulls up alongside of them.
"Hey, show us your tits, yer bloody penguins!" shouts one of the drunks.
Quite shocked, Mother Superior turns to Sister Immaculate, "I don't think they know who we are, show them your cross."
Sister Immaculate rolls down her window and shouts,

"Piss off yer drunken misbegotten bastard sons of tinted dried up grandmotherly whores before I come over there, tear youse each a new *******
and then bite yer poxy balls off!"
Sister Immaculate looks back at Mother Superior, quite innocently, and asks,
"Was that cross enough?"

Dimer2`s tale reminds me of this old one.
Separate Catholic and Protestant Boys schools are located adjacent. The Protestant school toilets are not working, in true ecumenical spirit the Protestant boys are invited to use the Catholic school toilets. All goes well at first, then there are reports of a loud disturbance in the toilets, the boys are competing to see who can pee furthest up the wall, and worse still, the Protestant boys are hitting higher up the wall. Sister Immaculata is directed to attend the toilets and restore order. On her return to the staff room Mother superior asks how she dealt with it, Sister Immaculata responds "It required some effort, I had to hit the roof to restore order". "Well done Sister" says Mother Superior, "we can`t have those Protestant boys outdoing the Catholics".
[Think I`ll log out now before the lightning strike]

It's OK Bruce....apparently he's a guy just like the rest of us.

dimer2 said:

It's OK Bruce....apparently he's a guy just like the rest of us.

Click to expand...

Wifey B: If he was a real gentleman, he'd adjust her coveralls for her. Obviously has moved off center. Right now there's one in and one out. Clearly not the way designed. Might take some work adjusting. Clearly he sees something askew and isn't fixing it.

BandB said:

Wifey B: If he was a real gentleman, he'd adjust her coveralls for her. Obviously has moved off center. Right now there's one in and one out. Clearly not the way designed. Might take some work adjusting. Clearly he sees something askew and isn't fixing it.

Click to expand...

Look Closely... He IS! ...

Ya think those might be his right hand fingertips on her left strap?? - LOL

He might be trying to take care of her current BIG Breast misalignment problem all by himself; but, then again, could he be maken it even more pronounced - i.e. creating it??

Maybe he just did not want to bother her with the undue stress resulting from need for self realignment. :lol:

Fatherly concern; definably in his facial expression. Good Daddy, Good Daddy!

U Go Popeie

Art said:

Look Closely... He IS! ...

Ya think those might be his right hand fingertips on her left strap?? - LOL

He might be trying to take care of her current BIG Breast misalignment problem all by himself; but, then again, could he be maken it even more pronounced - i.e. creating it??

Maybe he just did not want to bother her with the undue stress resulting from need for self realignment. :lol:

Fatherly concern; definably in his facial expression. Good Daddy, Good Daddy!

U Go Popeie

Click to expand...

Wifey B: You're right...looks more like he created the misalignment by pulling the left strap to the side so he could perhaps get a better view. Dirty old man....

BandB said:

Wifey B: You're right...looks more like he created the misalignment by pulling the left strap to the side so he could perhaps get a better view. Dirty old man....

Click to expand...

Good Daddy, Good Daddy!

Just Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road? -

DONALD TRUMP: All Mexican chickens who wish to cross this road must submit to a complete background check, and full body search.

BARACK OBAMA: Let me be perfectly clear, if the chickens like their eggs they can keep their eggs. No chicken will be required to cross the road to surrender her eggs. Period.

JOHN McCain: My friends, the chicken crossed the road because he recognized the need to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all the chickens on the other side of the road.

HILLARY CLINTON: What difference at this point does it make why the chicken crossed the road?

DICK CHENEY: Where's my gun?

COLIN POWELL: Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.

BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with that chicken.

AL GORE: I invented the chicken.

JOHN KERRY: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it. It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.

AL SHARPTON: Why are all the chickens white?

DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on this side of the road before it goes after the problem on the other side of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he is acting by not taking on his current problems before adding any new problems.

OPRAH: Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross the road so badly. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a NEW CAR so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.

ANDERSON COOPER: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.

NANCY GRACE: That chicken crossed the road because he's guilty! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.

MARTHA STEWART: No one called me to warn me which way the chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.

DR. SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die in the rain, alone.

JERRY FALWELL: Because the chicken was gay! Can't you people see the plain truth? That's why they call it the 'other side.' Yes, my friends, that chicken was gay. If you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the Liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases.like ‘the other side’ It's as plain and as simple as that.

GRANDPA: In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us

BARBARA WALTERS: Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heartwarming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its lifelong dream of crossing the road.

ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in peace.

BILL GATES: I have just released e-Chicken 2015, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents and balance your checkbook. Internet Explorer is an integral part of e-Chicken 2015. This new platform is much more stable and will never reboot.

ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?

COLONEL SANDERS: Did I miss one?

Lovely punch line, wasn't expecting that !.lol.

and

Good timing, Janice. I'm thawing some yardbird for dinner tonight.

Poll: Are there too many illegal immigrants in the United States?


Yes 22%

No 17%

No Comprende 61%

Damn.....


1983 Present 42 Sundeck
Twin Lehman 135's

God i love this site !!

Oh yea!!!!!!


1983 Present 42 Sundeck
Twin Lehman 135's

Wayfarer said:

View attachment 43573

Click to expand...

Dude!
I told you we shoulda bought an airboat!

A LOT OF JOKES ABOUT BLONDE FEMALES FLOAT AROUND THE INTERNET BUT SOME MAY BE SURPRISED THAT THERE IS A WHOLE GROUP OF JOKES ABOUT MEN THAT MANY DO NOT SEE. ENJOY THIS OTHER SIDE OF THE COIN.​

One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, 'What setting do I use on the washing machine?'
'It depends,' I replied. 'What does it say on your shirt?'​

He yelled back, ' OHIO STATE !'​

And they say blondes are dumb...​

A couple is lying in bed. The man says, 'I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world...'​

The woman replies, 'I'll miss you...... '.​

'It's just too hot to wear clothes today,' Jack says as he stepped out of the shower.
'Honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?'​

'Probably that I married you for your money,' she replied.​

​

Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?​

A: A rumor​

Dear Lord,
I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him; and Patience for his moods.
Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat him to death.​

AMEN​

Q: Why do little boys whine?​

A: They are practicing to be men.​

Q: What do you call a handcuffed man?​

A: Trustworthy.​

Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?​

A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.​

Q: Why do men whistle when they are sitting on the toilet?​

A: It helps them remember which end to wipe..​

Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?​

A: Rename the email folder 'Instruction Manuals'​

While creating husbands, God promised women that good and ideal husbands would be found in all corners of the world..........​

......then He made the earth round.​

Send this to at least five bright, funny women you know and make their day!​

And send this to five bright men who have enough sense of humor to take it!​

​

​

Before you put the camel to bed

[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif][FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Jiggs McDonald, NHL Hall of Fame broadcaster speaking in Ontario, says:
"I am truly perplexed that so many of my friends are against another
mosque being built in Toronto. I think it should be the goal of every
Canadian to be tolerant regardless of their religious beliefs. Thus
the mosque should be allowed, in an effort to promote tolerance."
"That is why I also propose that two nightclubs be opened next door to
the mosque; thereby promoting tolerance from within the mosque. We
could call one of the clubs, which would be gay, "The Turban Cowboy,"
and the other, a topless bar, would be called "You Mecca Me Hot."
"Next door should be a butcher shop that specializes in pork, and
adjacent to that an open-pit barbecue pork restaurant, called “Iraq ofRibs."
“Across the street there could be a lingerie store called "Victoria
Keeps Nothing Secret," with sexy mannequins in the window modeling the
goods, and on the other side a liquor store called "Morehammered."
"All of this would encourage Muslims to demonstrate the tolerance they
demand of us.”
Yes we should promote tolerance, and you can do your part by passing
this on. And if you are not laughing or smiling at this point... It
is either past your bedtime, or its midnight at the oasis and time to
put your camel to bed.


Ted
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