Humor

Confucius

• Passionate kiss, like spider web, leads to undoing of fly.

• Lady who goes camping with man must beware of evil intent.

• Squirrel who runs up woman's leg will not find nuts.

• Man who leaps off cliff jumps to conclusion.

• Man who runs in front of car gets tired, but man who runs behind car gets exhausted.

• Man who eats many prunes get good run for money.

• War does not determine who is right; it determines who is left.

• Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.

• It takes many nails to build a crib, but only one screw to fill it.

• Man who drives like hell is bound to get there.

• Man who stands on toilet is high on pot.

• Wise man not keep sledge hammer and slow computer in same room.

• Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.

• Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.

What does it mean when the flag at the USPO is at half mast?





THE ARE HIRING!

Greetings,
Four men got together to play golf one sunny morning. As they were heading out to the course, one of them was detained by a phone call.
The other three were discussing their children while walking to the first tee.
“My son,” said one proudly, “has made quite a name for himself in the home building industry. He began as a carpenter, but now owns his own design and construction firm. He’s so successful, in fact, in the last year he was able to give a good friend a brand new home as a gift.”
The second man, not to be outdone, boasts how his son began his career as a car salesman, but now owns a multi-line dealership. “He’s so successful, in fact, in the last six months he gave a friend two brand new cars as a gift.”
The third man brags that his son has worked his way up through a stock brokerage firm, and has become so successful that in the last few weeks has given a good friend a large stock portfolio as a gift.
As the fourth man arrives at the tee box, the three smugly tell him that they have been discussing how successful their progeny are and ask what line of work his son is in.
“To tell the truth, I’m not very pleased how my son has turned out,” he replies. “For fifteen years, he’s been a hairdresser, and I’ve just recently discovered he’s gay.”
As the other three recoil in horror, he continues, “but on the bright side, he must be good at what he does, because his last three boyfriends have given him a brand new house, two new cars, and a big stock portfolio.’

Any Big Lebowski fans out there? I need one of these shirts to wear on my next trip to the range!

How to be cruel to old guys!

AARP Eye Test

Bacchus said:

AARP Eye Test

Click to expand...

Anyone have this in larger size? Having trouble seeing it. ?

Now THAT is funny!

And the funny thing about it is we were all thinking the same thing!!!

I already blew it up and printed. Gonna give copy to my eye doctor!

Baseball Quiz

So you think you know Baseball?, see if you can figure out this puzzle.

What is the score, inning and status?

(Answer in next post!!)

Bacchus said:

So you think you know Baseball?, see if you can figure out this puzzle.

What is the score, inning and status?

(Answer in next post!!)

Click to expand...

5 to 4
bottom of the 5th.
1 out and no one on! ?

Baseball Quiz Answer

Bacchus said:

So you think you know Baseball?, see if you can figure out this puzzle.

What is the score, inning and status?

(Answer in next post!!)

Click to expand...

It's 5 to 4, bottom of the fifth, one out, and nobody on....!!

Off Duty... Good job!

Actually, it looks like 4 to 4.

last is : "No Balls" men don't sit to pee!

The Patriots Super Bowl rings are in.

That's funny, Craig! But shouldn't the needle be diamond encrusted?

THD said:

That's funny, Craig! But shouldn't the needle be diamond encrusted?

Click to expand...

Personally... I feel it should come with a jar of KY Jelly!

IMO - to further enliven the game of professional football:

Each team should be able to play with the ball at what ever psi air pressure they desire. Man, that could become quite interesting when one team likes the ball hard inflated and the other prefers it soft. At turn overs the team's choice of psi inflation would become then used. For items such as interceptions or defending team recovered fumble during a play's on-field actions would require the defense team players to know how to handle a ball with different psi pressure than their team normally likes to practice with and to play official game with.

Team-choice psi football inflation practice could put a whole new set of very interesting variables into playing the game of football. I might well become a game changer... to coin a phrase.

After all, football games are for the viewing public's enjoyment... and increased big corporation product sales.

This psi alteration ought to be tried out in the minor leagues, to see how it works!

Dear Abby,

My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me from the beginning, and, when I confront him, he denies everything. What's worse, everyone knows that he cheats on me. It is so humiliating.

Also, since he lost his job, he hasn't even looked for a new one.

All he does all day is smoke cigars, cruise around and shoot the bull with his buddies, while I have to work to pay the bills. Since our daughter went away to college years ago he doesn't even pretend to like me, and even hints that I may be a lesbian.

What should I do?

Signed: Clueless

Dear Clueless:
Grow up and dump him. Good grief woman! You don't need him anymore!

You're a Senator from New York running for President of the United States.

Act like one.

CPseudonym said:

The Patriots Super Bowl rings are in.

View attachment 40140

Click to expand...

Prediction...entire findings of Wells report will be tossed out at some point and Brady will not be penalized.

The Dead Horse Theory

The Dead Horse Theory
- a very good explanation




The tribal wisdom of the Plains Indians, passed on from generation to generation, says that:

"When you discover that you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount."

However, in government, more advanced strategies are often employed, such as:

1. Buying a stronger whip.

2. Changing riders.

3. Appointing a committee to study the horse.

4. Arranging to visit other countries to see how other cultures ride dead horses.

5. Lowering the standards so that dead horses can be included.

6. Reclassifying the dead horse as living-impaired.

7. Hiring outside contractors to ride the dead horse.

8. Harnessing several dead horses together to increase speed.

9. Providing additional funding and/or training to increase the dead horse's performance.

10. Doing a productivity study to see if lighter riders would improve the dead horse's performance.

11. Declaring that as the dead horse does not have to be fed, it is less costly, carries lower overhead and therefore contributes substantially more to the bottom line of the economy than do some other horses.

12. Rewriting the expected performance requirements for all horses.

And, of course...
12. Promoting the dead horse to a supervisory position.

All the above are logical reasons why we still have a Senate in government.

Greetings,
Mr. mb. EXCELLENT!!! I like it. The first thing that comes to mind though is...

It's true , a day without an anchor reference is like a day without sunshine.

FW: A GREAT WEEKEND!
Dale Nichols 7:44 AM Flag this message Photos
To: Dick Johanson, gofirstclass@hotmail.com, denmor@charter.net, 'Richard Garretson'
dealerdale@dwwireless.net
A balding, white haired man from Chebacco Lake in Florida , walked into a jewelry store this past Friday evening with a beautiful much younger gal at his side.

He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.

The man said, 'No, I'd like to see something more special.'

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. 'Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000 the jeweler said. The lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, 'We'll take it.'

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the man stated, 'by check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon.'

On Monday morning, the jeweler angrily phoned the old man and said 'There's no money in that account.'

'I know,' said the old man,

'But let me tell you about MY GREAT WEEKEND!'

You see, not all seniors are senile.

[FONT=&quot]Jacob, aged 92, and Rebecca, aged 89, living in Miami, are all excited about their decision to get married.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass a drugstore.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Jacob suggests they go in.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the owner?"[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]The pharmacist answers, "Yes."[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Pharmacist: "Of course, we do."[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Pharmacist: "All kinds."[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism?"[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Pharmacist: "Definitely."[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Jacob: "How about suppositories?"[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Pharmacist: "You bet!"[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis and Alzheimer's?"[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The Works."[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?"[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Pharmacist: "Absolutely."[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Jacob: "Everything for heartburn and indigestion?"[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Pharmacist: "We sure do."[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers and canes?"[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Jacob: "Adult diapers?"[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Pharmacist: "Sure."[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]Jacob: "We'd like to use this store as our Bridal Registry.

[/FONT][FONT=&quot]Ted[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT]

A Retired Person's Perspective:

1. I'm not saying let's go kill all the stupid people. I'm just saying let's remove all the warning labels and let the problem work itself out.


2. I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.


3. You can tell a lot about a woman's mood just by her hands. If they are holding a gun, she's probably ticked off.

4. Gone are the days when girls cooked like their mothers. Now they drink like their fathers.


5. You know that tingly little feeling you get when you really like someone you've just met? That's common sense leaving your body.


6. I don't like making plans for the day. Because then the word "premeditated" gets thrown around in the courtroom.


7. I didn't make it to the gym today. That makes 1,500 days in a row.


8. I decided to change calling the bathroom the John and renamed it the Jim. I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.


9. Dear paranoid people who check behind shower curtains for murderers. If you find one, what 's your plan?


10. Everyone has a right to be stupid. Politicians just abuse the privilege.



Ted