Humor

THE OLD PIANO PLAYER:
> >
> >
> > A ragged, old, derelict shuffled into a down and dirty bar.
> > Stinking of whiskey and cigarettes, his hands shook as he
> > took the "Piano Player Wanted" sign from the
> > window and handed it to the bartender.
> >
> > "I'd like to apply for the job," he said.
> > "I was an F-4 driver, flying off carriers back in
> > 'Nam , but when they retired the Phantom all the thrill
> > was gone, and soon they cashed me in as well. I learned to
> > play the piano at the Officer's Club happy hours, so
> > here I am."
> >
> > The barkeep wasn't too sure about this doubtful looking
> > old guy, but it had been quite a while since he had a piano
> > player and business was falling off. So, why not give him a
> > try.
> >
> > The seedy pilot staggered his way over to the piano while
> > several patrons snickered. By the time he was into his third
> > bar of music, every voice was silenced.
> >
> > What followed was a rhapsody of soaring music unlike
> > anything heard in the bar before. When he finished there
> > wasn't a dry eye in the place.
> >
> > The bartender took the old fighter pilot a beer and asked
> > him the name of the song he had just played.
> >
> > It's called "Drop your Skivvies, Baby, I'm
> > Going Balls To The Wall For You" he said. After a long
> > pull from the beer, leaving it empty, he said "I wrote
> > it myself."
> >
> > The bartender and the crowd winced at the title, but the
> > piano player just went on into a knee-slapping,
> > hand-clapping bit of ragtime that had the place jumping.
> > After he finished, the fighter pilot acknowledged the
> > applause, downed a second proffered mug, and told the crowd
> > the song was called, "Big Boobs Make My Afterburner
> > Light."
> >
> > He then launched into another mesmerizing song and everyone
> > in the room was enthralled. He announced that it was the
> > latest rendition of his song, "Spread 'em Baby,
> > It's Foggy Out Tonight and I Need To See The
> > Centerline", excused himself and headed for the john.
> >
> > When he came out the bartender went over to him and said,
> > "Hey, fly boy, the job is yours; but, do you know your
> > fly is open and your pecker is hanging out?"
> >
> > "Know it?", the old fighter pilot replied,
> > "Hell, I wrote it.

At the physical, the Doctor directed the reluctant recruit to read the eye chart across the room.

''What chart doc?" the young man asked.

"The one on the wall!'' the doctor said.

'What wall?' said the young man.

Sensing he had a deadbeat on his hands, and wanting to fill his quota, the doctor asked his nurse to strip down and walk into the exam room.

'Now what do you see son?'

"Doc, I can't see a thing, I'm as blind as a bat."

"Well, you may not see anything," the doctor said, "but your dick is pointing straight toward Paris Island, South Carolina. Welcome to the U.S. Marine Corps."

Greetings,

Greetings,
An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.
The bartender approaches and tells him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it would taste better if you bought one at a time."
The Irishman replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I drinks one for each o' me brothers and one for me self."
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way: He orders three pints and drinks them in turn.
One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss."
The Irishman looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eye and he laughs. "Oh, no, everybody's just fine," He explains, "It's just that me wife had us join that Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking. 'Hasn't affected me brothers a bit though

It would be my guess that there a few "Old Cowboys" on here that would like an old time western parody.-- Al

Al said:

It would be my guess that there a few "Old Cowboys" on here that would like an old time western parody.-- Al

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Al - You're damn near nutty! But, that's perfectly OK!!

Aging
Aunt Mildred was a 93-year-old woman who was particularly despondent over
the recent death of her husband. She decided that she would just kill
herself and join him in death.
Sad "huh" .

Thinking that it would be best to get it over with
quickly, she took out his old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot
herself in the heart, since it was badly broken in the first place.
Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable
and a burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire as to
just exactly where the heart would be on a woman. The doctor said, 'Your
heart would be just below your left breast'.

Later
that night........ Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot
wound to her knee.

The Explanation

The Explanation

Brains of older people are slow because they know so much.

People do not decline mentally with age, it just takes them longer to recall facts because
they have more information in their brains, scientists believe. Much like a computer struggles as the hard drive gets full, so too, do humans take longer to access information when their brains are full.

Researchers say this slowing down process is not the same as cognitive decline.

The human brain works slower in old age, said Dr. Michael Ramscar, but only because we have stored more information over time. The brains of older people do not get weak. On the contrary, they simply know more.

Also, older people often go to another room to get something & when they get there, they stand there wondering what they came for. It is NOT a memory problem, it is nature's way of making older people do more exercise.

SO THERE!!

I have more friends I should send this to, but right now I can't remember their names...

SUMMER2 said:

The Explanation

Brains of older people are slow because they know so much.

People do not decline mentally with age, it just takes them longer to recall facts because
they have more information in their brains, scientists believe. Much like a computer struggles as the hard drive gets full, so too, do humans take longer to access information when their brains are full.

Researchers say this slowing down process is not the same as cognitive decline.

The human brain works slower in old age, said Dr. Michael Ramscar, but only because we have stored more information over time. The brains of older people do not get weak. On the contrary, they simply know more.

Also, older people often go to another room to get something & when they get there, they stand there wondering what they came for. It is NOT a memory problem, it is nature's way of making older people do more exercise.

SO THERE!!

I have more friends I should send this to, but right now I can't remember their names...

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That's why alcoholics who gain greater age and finally sober up are so smart and quick thinking in their 80's/90's. Proving that in heavy drinking "Blackouts" do serve a purpose... keeps storage room in the brain available for future usage by not filling it with years of meaningless, incidental minutia!

Some daily tips for easier living.


1. Avoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold the vegetables while you chop them

2. Avoid arguments with females about lifting the toilet seat by using the sink

3. For high blood pressure sufferers, simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes thus reducing the pressure in your veins.

4. A mouse trap placed on top of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button

5. If you've got a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives. Then you'll be scared sh**less to cough.

6. You only need two tools in life - WD 40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and should, then use WD40. If it moves and shouldn't, duct tape's the answer.

7. If you can't fix it with a hammer, you've got an electrical problem.

Australian Sharks to start culling humans

Sharks to begin human cull off the Western Australian coast | The Skewer

dwhatty said:

Sharks to begin human cull off the Western Australian coast | The Skewer

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Can't help but wonder if the spokesshark last name starts with a K?

CPseudonym said:

Can't help but wonder if the spokesshark last name starts with a K?

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He gets left alone. Professional courtesy.

(Hope it would extend to me as well if I visited)

Know no one here has "Senior Moments", but maybe you know someone who does that you can forward this to:

Senior Moments

Ted

O C Diver said:

Know no one here has "Senior Moments", but maybe you know someone who does that you can forward this to:

Senior Moments

Ted

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Ted - Thanks for that post... I think...

Granddaughter hollered howdy as she entered the room... now, don't really recall what I was bout ta say!

Father O’Malley, an Irishman, was transferred to a parish in Texas. He rose from his
bed the next morning, fine spring day. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get
the full view of the beautiful day outside. He saw there was a jackass lying dead in the
middle of his front lawn.

He promptly called the local police station. The conversation went like this:

"Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?"

"And the best of the day to yourself. This is Father O'Malley
at St. Ann 's Catholic Church. There's a jackass lying dead in me
front lawn and would ye be so kind as to send a couple o' yer lads to take care
of the matter?"

Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit and
recognizing the accent, thought he would have a little fun with the good
father. "Well now, Father, it was always my impression that you
people took care of the last rites!"

There was dead silence on the line for a moment or two. Then
Father O'Malley replied, "Aye, 'tis certainly true, but we are also obliged to
notify the next of kin first, which is the reason for me call!"

At a school near you!
Teacher taking the register.

Mustafa Al Shebab--------"Here"
Ahmed El Kabul-----------"Here"
Fatima El Bindri-----------"Here"
Ali Achmaka El Kebab----"Here"
Ali Sun Al en ----------------?
Little girl at the back of the class stands up and says "For **** sake, it's pronounced Alison Allen!

One for the private pilots

The rest of the story

BaltimoreLurker said:

The rest of the story

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Needless to say, that plane wouldn't make the Kessel run in less than 12 parsecs.

I sorta kinda don't get the humour in a plane crash where someone was hurt and a valuable vintage aircraft ('30s) is badly damaged? Now if you were wondering if he will replace his divot, that might be humourous.

Here's to a quick recovery for H. Ford and the airplane.

Naval Aviators say ,

Any one you walk away from was a good one!

It's coming close to Paddy's day an' all......

Irish Paddy read in the newspaper that, by law, you have to turn your headlights on when it's raining in Sweden.

Now he's thinking, "Who the ****'s going to let me know when it's raining in Sweden?"

A guy texts his neighbor:

Dear Keith : I'm sorry. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess.
I have been helping myself to your wife when you're not around, probably more than you.
I know it’s no excuse, but I don't get it at home.
I can't live with the guilt any longer.
I hope you'll accept my sincerest apology. It won't happen again.

The neighbor, feeling outrage and betrayed, grabs his gun goes into the bedroom and without a word shoots his wife.

Moments later the guy gets a second text:

Damn, I really should use spell check! That should be "wifi"... Sorry!

Larry M said:

A guy texts his neighbor:

Dear Keith : I'm sorry. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess.
I have been helping myself to your wife when you're not around, probably more than you.
I know it’s no excuse, but I don't get it at home.
I can't live with the guilt any longer.
I hope you'll accept my sincerest apology. It won't happen again.

The neighbor, feeling outrage and betrayed, grabs his gun goes into the bedroom and without a word shoots his wife.

Moments later the guy gets a second text:

Damn, I really should use spell check! That should be "wifi"... Sorry!

Click to expand...

We've already tossed many of the disappearing things from our lives but the post implies them disappearing is bad and yet in most cases it's an advancement.

1. The post office-Far more efficient ways of communicating. Post office may become just a delivery company, completing deliveries for UPS and Fedex as they have started doing. But we do everything possible paperless and in our business we require all vendors to invoice electronically.

2. The check-We never write them. Far better and easier means of transacting payments.

3. The newspaper-my wife just said "ewwwww". They stink, the newsprint covers your hands and makes them black. Far easier ways to read the news. Hold a tablet in your hands. Does anyone miss road maps?

4. The book-we haven't bought a book in ages that was available in another form and last books we bought were as collector's items. Why have a bookshelf full of books when you can have thousands on a small device.

5. Land line telephone-They still exist? Ok, businesses have them. Cells will replace in business when they can easily be routed through switchboards. Fax was a reason for land line but most of that being done electronically now.

6. Music. I don't see music dying. In fact it's become easier for new aspiring artists who can hit the public eye through You Tube and can sell through iTunes. To me just changing channels of distribution and less control by a few producers. It's becoming more driven by the public than the industry moguls.

7. Television revenues-Down? I don't think so to this point. Distributed more widely. Major networks less dominance. Now will some of this switch to other means of distribution? Yes. But that doesn't make it not television. Cable companies will continue to evolve. They get it either way as now they're your internet providers too. Even satellite being taken over by people like AT&T. And sports packages getting all time high astronomical prices when the leagues or teams renegotiate.

8. Things that you own. Funny thing is that the swing for businesses to not own but instead license software started decades ago. The thing that has made it easier for individuals is now everyone being hooked up to the internet so subscriptions easily verified. Cloud is just an extension of the concepts of networking. In business long ago the desktop units started becoming fairly empty shells with everything held on the network, so now it moves to the cloud. As to photos and such we may store on the cloud, but I don't see people not maintaining some form of local copies too. Talking about ownership, we had the shifting away in autos years ago, but then it's shifted back.

9. Handwriting. Other than my signature I haven't written in cursive in decades. I rarely print either. I fill forms out on computer, scan and fill. I type. I don't write. The advantage is that you get typed things from people you can actually read them. Use to have a coworker who wrote in the most beautiful and perfect cursive, like an artist. Was so difficult to read.

10. Privacy. Any assumption one makes of privacy today is a false one. It's gone. It hasn't been what many believed for decades but now any information is available to the general public. Before it was just law enforcement. Once to do criminal background checks you had to get the police department to run them and wait weeks. Now you just go online and run them. There are aspects of this loss of privacy that really bother me. Not the government part, but that everything you do is becoming public. I strongly dislike facebook, twitter and the rest, not because of the concepts but the use. People disclosing things that belong in a small circle of their closest friends at most. College applicants not getting in because of their facebook accounts. People not getting hired for the same reasons. Actually learning far more about people than I care to know. I liked just knowing my employee was a good worker and seemed like a sweet kind person. I don't want to know they were at a party Saturday night and got drunk or they're for or against guns or legalized pot or any of a million other things. I don't want to know their politics or religion. I try to tell every young person that there is no privacy online. You post it, it's for the world. Yet, I see people post on facebook how horrible their job is and what a jerk their boss is. Then they're surprised they lose that job. School teachers losing jobs because of photos their "friends" post of them in compromising situations. Is there such a thing now as one's private life?

Very interesting list. Not sure I'd call it "humor" but enjoyed reading it and thinking about it. Honestly, only bothered by one of the ten.

As to memories, mixed on that. There are some of us who have some periods of time, such as childhood, we have largely forgotten and think of that as a blessing. Oh thank goodness for selective memory. Now, Alzheimer's is a terrifying condition and that does scare me.