Humor

Good one RT.

A POSITIVE ATTITUDE

The other night I gradually woke up stiff as a plank in the hospital's Emergency Room with tubes up my nose & down my throat, wires monitoring every function & all around my head, hell of a pain over my left ear, and a gorgeous nurse hovering over me and It was obvious I'd been in a serious accident.

She looked at me deep & steady and I heard her slowly say: "You may not feel anything from the waist down."

I managed to mumble in reply: "Can I feel your tits, then?"

NOW THAT'S A POSITIVE ATTITUDE

On a roll tonight!!''


A Pastor goes to the dentist for a set of false teeth.
The first Sunday after he gets his new teeth, he talks for only eight minutes.
The second Sunday, he talks for only ten minutes.
The following Sunday, he talks for 2 hours and 48 minutes.
The congregation had to mob him to get him down from the pulpit and they asked him what happened.
The Pastor explains the first Sunday his gums hurt so bad he couldn't talk for more than 8 minutes.
The second Sunday his gums hurt too much to talk for more than 10 minutes.
But, the third Sunday, he put his wife's' teeth in by mistake and he couldn't shut up.

A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel sticking out of his pants. The bartender says "Hey pirate, is that a steering wheel sticking out of your pants?" The pirate says "Arrrg, it's driving me nuts."

A man goes into the hospital for a vasectomy. Before the procedure, a very attractive nurse comes in and takes his vitals, then tells him to take all of his clothes off.



When he is fully undressed, she instructs him to lie down on the table.



The man obeys. The nurse then takes all of her clothes off and climbs on top and has her way with him.



Upon the completion of the act, the man catches his breath and asks what that was all about. The nurse informs the patient that studies have shown that before a vasectomy if the man has an ejaculation, he will be more relaxed and that the vasectomy is easier for the surgeon to locate and sever, thereby making the surgery safer, more efficient, and quicker.



The nurse then wheels the patient to the operating room. While they are going down the hall, the patient looks through a window to the right and sees six men in a room masturbating. Curious, the man asks, "What are they doing in there"?



The nurse responds, "They are getting vasectomies too, but you have Blue Cross and they have Obama Care."

pure smut...where are all these coming from?


The Gorilla and the Redneck:

A small zoo in Connecticut obtained a very rare species of gorilla.

Within a few weeks the gorilla, a female, became very difficult to handle. Upon examination, the veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse, there was no male gorilla available.

Thinking about their problem, the Zoo Keeper thought of Danny Zwick, a redneck former insurance industry executive and now part-time worker responsible for cleaning the animal cages. Danny, like most rednecks, had little sense but possessed ample ability to satisfy a female of any species.

The Zoo Keeper thought they might have a solution. Danny was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to mate with the gorilla for $500.00?

Danny showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully. The following day, he announced that he would accept their offer, but only under five conditions:

"First", Danny said, "I ain't gonna kiss her on the lips." The Keeper quickly agreed to this condition.

"Second", he said, "She must wear a 'Dale Earnhardt Forever' T-Shirt." The keeper again readily agreed to this condition.

"Third", he said, "you can't never tell no one about this." The keeper again readily agreed to this condition.

"Fourth", Danny said, "I want all the children raised in my faith." Once again it was agreed.

"And last," Danny said, "I'll need another week to come up with the $500.00.

A guy walks into a bar and orders two shots of Vodka.

The bar tender says, "...had a tough day?"

The man replied, "Yeah, I found out my little brother is gay".

The next day the same guy walks in to the bar again and this time orders 3 shots of Vodka.

The bartender says, "...another bad day?"

The man replied, "Yeah, I just found out my older brother is gay".

The next day the same man walks in the bar and this time orders 5 shots of Vodka.

The bartender looked at him and said, "Man, doesn't anybody in your family like women.

The man bursts into tears, then replied, "Yeah, My wife"

Cowboy: "Give me 3 packets of condoms, please."
Cashier: "Do you need a paper bag with that, sir?"
Cowboy: "Nah... She's purty good lookin'....."

When you are over sixty who gives a ****............

This ******* looked ​ ​
at my beer belly last night and sarcastically said, "Is that Corona or Bud?"
I said, "There's a tap underneath; taste it and find out."

When you are over sixty who gives a ****?

I was talking to a girl in the bar last night. She said, "If you lost a
few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look all right."
I said, "If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there instead of ​ ​
you."

When you are over sixty who gives a ****?

I was telling a girl in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her boobs.
"Really ​?​
" she said, "Go on then...try."
After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said, "Come on, what day was I born?"
I said, "Yesterday."

When you are over sixty who gives a ****?

I got caught taking a pee in the local swimming pool today.
The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in.

When you are over sixty who gives a ****?

I went to the pub last night and saw a fat chick dancing on a table. I said, "Nice legs."
The girl giggled and said with a smile, "Do you really think so ​?​
"
I said, "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now. "

When you are over sixty who gives a ****?

Continued...

When you are over sixty who gives a ****?

In a dark pub man sees three girls leaning over the bar with knees on the bar stools
So he yells, hey blonde, you - the one in the middle, there’s a rip in center of the seat of your pants
She says how’d ya know? Never thought anyone’d see it being this dark
He tells her... no need seeing it... just follow my nose!

When you are over sixty who gives a ****?

One woman says to another... my, my you look pretty!
Other women says to complimenter... you gotta be kidding, I just got up
First woman points toward a man and says... ask him, you’ll see
Man looks em both up and down, then replies, you both look like sluts to me... wanna pull a three way!

When you are over sixty who gives a ****?

So a guy walks into a church and blows out all the candles
Constituent comes quickly over and loudly chastises him... now just why did you do that?
He says quiet down bitch, dark enough now so I can take you just like yesterday on this same pew
She says, well sir, that certainly was not me... he says, who cares it’s you NOW!

To Be Continued...

A little Chicago humor!



I was driving through northern Illinois last night listening to a call-in program on WGN in Chicago.
People were calling in all upset about the goat's head sent to Cubs owner Tom Ricketts at Wrigley Field.
Some guy called in from Indiana and said, "Why are you all so upset because someone sent a goat's head to Wrigley Field?
Aren't you the guys that sent a horse's ass to the White House".



I almost ran off the road!

>THE BEAR REMOVER
>
>A man
>wakes up one morning in Alaska to find a bear on his roof. So he
> looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for "Bear
>Removers."
>
>He calls the number, and the bear remover says he'll be over in 30
> minutes. The bear remover arrives, and gets out of his van. He's
>got a
> ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull.
>
>"What are you going to do," the homeowner asks?
>
>"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go
> up there and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat.
>When
> the bear falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and
> not let go. The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him
>in
> the cage in the back of the van.."
>
>He hands the shotgun to the homeowner. "What's the shotgun for?" asks
> the homeowner.
>
>"If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog."

For your door

I now have a new hero



When I get older I want to be like him,

woops, I am old, like him?





As you may know, ammunition is in real short supply and last night a man in his 80's lucked out and was able to buy several boxes of AR-15 5.56

NATO round ammo at the local sporting goods store.

On his way home he stopped at the 7-Eleven station for some gas where this drop-dead gorgeous young blonde was filling up her car at the pump

next to his

She glanced at the ammo boxes in the back of his Jeep and said in a very seductive voice, "Hey old timer, I'm a big believer in barter, would you be

interested in trading sex for ammo?"

The old guy thought for a moment and replied, "Yep, I might be, what kinda ammo ya got?"

Last week, I took my grandchildren to a restaurant.

My six-year-old grandson asked if he could say grace.

As we bowed our heads he said, "God is good, God is great. Thank you for the food, and I would even thank you more if Grandpa gets us ice cream for dessert. And liberty and justice for all! Amen!"

Along with the laughter from the other customers nearby, I heard a woman remark, "That's what's wrong with this country. Kids today don't even know how to pray. Asking God for ice cream! Why, I never!"

Hearing this, my grandson burst into tears and asked me, "Did I do it wrong? Is God mad at me?"

As I assured him that he had done a terrific job, and God was certainly not mad at him, an elderly gentleman approached the table.

He winked at my grandson and said, "I happen to know that God thought that was a great prayer."

"Really?" my grandson asked.

"Cross my heart," the man replied.

Then, in a theatrical whisper, he added (indicating the woman whose remark had started this whole thing),

"Too bad she never asks God for ice cream. A little ice cream is good for the soul sometimes."

Naturally, I bought my grandchildren ice cream at the end of the meal. My grandson stared at his ice cream for a moment, and then did something I will remember the rest of my life.

He picked up his sundae and, without a word, walked over and placed it in front of the woman.

With a big smile he told her,

"Here, this is for you. Shove it up your ass you grouchy old bitch! "

Kind of brings tears to your eyes doesn't it!

When I was young I decided to go to Medical School.

At the entrance exam we were asked to rearrange the letters PNEIS and form the name of an important human body part which is most useful when erect.

Those who answered spine are doctors today while the rest of us are posting and reading jokes on the internet.

After Nigeria was eliminated from the soccer world cup the Nigerian captain personally offered to refund all the expenses of fans that travelled to Brazil.

He said he just needs their bank details and pin numbers to complete the transaction.

2 cows - updated

SOCIALISM
You have 2 cows.
You give one to your neighbor



COMMUNISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and gives you some milk


FASCISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and sells you some milk


NAZISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and shoots you


BUREAUCRATISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then
throws the milk away


TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy
grows.
You sell them and retire on the income


ROYAL BANK OF SCOTLAND (VENTURE) CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by
your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption
for five cows.
The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company.
The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States , leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release.
The public then buys your bull.


SURREALISM
You have two giraffes.
The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.


AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, and force the other to
produce the milk of four cows.
Later, you hire a consultant to analyze why
the cow has dropped dead.


A GREEK CORPORATION
You have two cows. You borrow lots of euros to build barns, milking sheds, hay stores, feed sheds,
dairies, cold stores, abattoir, cheese unit and packing sheds.
You still only have two cows.


A FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike, organize a riot, and block the roads, because you want three
cows.


A JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce
twenty times the milk.
You then create a clever cow cartoon image called a Cowkimona and
market it worldwide.


AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows,
but you don't know where they are.
You decide to have lunch.


A SWISS CORPORATION
You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you.
You charge the owners for storing them.


A CHINESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity.
You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.


AN INDIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You worship them.


A BRITISH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Both are mad.


AN IRAQI CORPORATION
Everyone thinks you have lots of cows.
You tell them that you have none.
No-one believes you, so they bomb the ** out of you and invade your country.
You still have no cows, but at least you are now a Democracy.


AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Business seems pretty good.
You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.


A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION
You have two cows.
The one on the left looks very attractive...

My philosophy!

New definition for S.O.S., I think this relates to trawlers............

A C-130 was lumbering along when a cocky F-
16 flashed by.
The jet jockey decided to show off.
The fighter jock told the C-130 pilot, 'watch
this!' and promptly went into a barrel roll
followed by a steep climb.
He then finished with a sonic boom as he
broke the sound barrier.
The F-16 pilot asked the C-130 pilot what he
thought of that?
The C-130 pilot said, 'That was impressive, but
watch this!'
The C-130 droned along for about 5 minutes
and then the C-130 pilot came back on and
said:
'What did you think of that?'
Puzzled, the F-16 pilot asked, 'What the heck
did you do?'
The C-130 pilot chuckled.
'I stood up, stretched my legs, walked to the
back, took a leak, then got a cup of coffee and
a cinnamon roll.'
When you are young & foolish - speed & flash
may seem a good thing!
When you get older & smarter -
comfort & dull is not such a bad
thing!
Us older folks understand this
one, it's called

S.O.S.

Slower, Older and Smarter....

YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE A "DOG PERSON" TO TRULY APPRECIATE THIS STORY

Stay!


I pulled into the crowded parking lot at the local shopping center and rolled down the car windows to make sure my Labrador Retriever Pup had fresh air.

She was stretched full-out on the back seat and I wanted to impress upon her that she must remain there.
I walked to the curb backward, pointing my finger at the car and saying emphatically,

"Now you stay. Do you hear me?"

"Stay! Stay!"

The driver of a nearby car, a pretty young blonde, gave me a strange look and said,


"Why don't you just put it in 'Park'?"

Moonstruck said:

YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE A "DOG PERSON" TO TRULY APPRECIATE THIS STORY

Stay!


I pulled into the crowded parking lot at the local shopping center and rolled down the car windows to make sure my Labrador Retriever Pup had fresh air.

She was stretched full-out on the back seat and I wanted to impress upon her that she must remain there.
I walked to the curb backward, pointing my finger at the car and saying emphatically,

"Now you stay. Do you hear me?"

"Stay! Stay!"

The driver of a nearby car, a pretty young blonde, gave me a strange look and said,


"Why don't you just put it in 'Park'?"

Click to expand...

Yo, Don - What special breed Lab - and - where can I get a dog with a "Park" option???

The European Commission have just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the EU, rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".
In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter. There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.
In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.
Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.
Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.
By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as
replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".
During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensibl riten styl.
Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.
Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.

Proofreading is a dying art (SGV Tribune)

Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter.
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says .
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers.
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over.
Miners Refuse to Work after Death.
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant.
War Dims Hope for Peace.
If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile.
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures.
Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide.
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge.
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group.
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft.
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks. .
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half.
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors.
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead.
Police Hunt for Homosexual Ringleader Proves Fruitless.
.

Sounds like the headline writers learned from the best, Yogi Berra.

It’s like deja vu all over again.
We made too many wrong mistakes.
You can observe a lot just by watching.
A nickel ain’t worth a dime anymore.
He hits from both sides of the plate. He’s amphibious
If the world was perfect, it wouldn’t be.
If you don’t know where you’re going, you might end up some place else.
I really didn’t say everything I said.
The future ain’t what it use to be.
I think Little League is wonderful. It keeps the kids out of the house.
Nobody goes there anymore because it’s too crowded.
I always thought that record would stand until it was broken.
We have deep depth.
All pitchers are liars or crybabies.
When you come to a fork in the road, take it.
Always go to other people’s funerals, otherwise they won’t come to yours.
Never answer anonymous letters.
At an awards banquet: “Thank you for making this day necessary."
The towels were so thick there I could hardly close my suitcase.
Half the lies they tell about me aren’t true.

On whether streakers were men or women: "I don’t know. They had bags over their heads.

It gets late early out there.
It ain’t over till it’s over.

If people don't want to come out to the ballpark, how are you going to stop them

I'm not going to buy my kids an encyclopedia. Let them walk to school like I did

It ain't the heat, it's the humility

You better cut the pizza in four pieces because I'm not hungry enough to eat six.

In theory there is no difference between theory and practice. In practice there is.

Baseball is ninety percent mental and the other half is physical.
I wish I had an answer to that because I'm tired of answering that question.

It was impossible to get a conversation going, everybody was talking too much.

Pair up in threes.
Even Napoleon had his Watergate.
I usually take a two-hour nap from one to four.

An elderly couple had just learned how to send text messages
On their cell phones. The wife was a romantic type and the
Husband was more of a no-nonsense guy.

One afternoon the wife went out to meet a friend for coffee.
She decided to send her husband a romantic text message and
She wrote:

"If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing,
Send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you
Are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your
Tears. I love you."

The husband texted back to her:
"I'm on the toilet. Please advise."

ECSTASY
[FONT=&quot] [/FONT]




[FONT=&quot]As his wife moved back and forth, forward then backward, side to side, again and again, he was in ecstasy. Back and forth, in and out, a little to the right, a little to the left, the sweat forming on her forehead, between her breasts, trickling down the small of her back. She was getting near the end. He could feel his joy rising within him. Her heart was pounding, her face flushed, she moaned, she growled, she whimpered. Finally, totally exhausted, [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]she let out an almighty[/FONT][FONT=&quot] scream, [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]threw her arms in the air and SHOUTED…………………………[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]



[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]
"[/FONT][FONT=&quot]OMG - OK, OK, I can't parallel park! You do it, you smug bastard."[/FONT]


[FONT=&quot] [/FONT]