Thinking.

I am thinking about putting the Blue Heron up for sale. I've been doing some business case analysis and I keep her more at the dock then underway or on the go. My plans at the beginning were a bit robust but like a recent thread here stated both partners have to be in it and my wife isn't onboard ( pun intended ) like I am. While its totally my decision, I am weighing the pluses and the minuses to such a decision.
I have been looking at smaller boats that are not exactly trawlers ( Cruisers, Sea Ray) as they be more in line with my family and I can adapt.
Anyways, I am considering it. I do love my trawler though!

If only used for vacation and occasional boating, chartering makes a bunch more sense. You have none of the hassles of boat ownership (unless you happen to enjoy them as a part of the hobby), and expand your cruising grounds to the entire US and beyond. Cheaper on an annual basis too.

Blue Heron said:

I am thinking about putting the Blue Heron up for sale. I've been doing some business case analysis and I keep her more at the dock then underway or on the go. My plans at the beginning were a bit robust but like a recent thread here stated both partners have to be in it and my wife isn't onboard ( pun intended ) like I am. While its totally my decision, I am weighing the pluses and the minuses to such a decision.
I have been looking at smaller boats that are not exactly trawlers ( Cruisers, Sea Ray) as they be more in line with my family and I can adapt.
Anyways, I am considering it. I do love my trawler though!

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I can relate....

If you don't mind....think outside the box...

If your time on the water is limited, you can still cruise with a day boat (anything from a bowrider to a 30 or so Sea Ray type). Instead of paying for and dragging around a lot of boat...you can still go places...just rent a condo, a motel room or bed and breakfast it at your destination.

Many women generally love it (staying out and eating out) and the savings on operating expenses every year pay for the half dozen or so trip you can take. You can still anchor out till it's time to hit the sack. Some bed and breakfast's/resorts have a dock and stay policy (reduced rates).

With a smaller, faster boat...your choice of destinations greatly expands...especially if it's trailerable.

When you don't have the time to take a couple days..a smaller boat is more fun to day trip in anyway..go to restaurants, beaches, etc that the big boat can't.

You are also loess of a slave to maintenance.

Well, I'll tell you a little story...

Last spring my admrial told me she was done with boating. She made a medical condition the excuse, but I knew in my heart that was not the case. The reality was, and she will probably never admit this, she was just tired of boating, and much of what it entails. Remember boats are much like a mistress in many ways. They not only take money, they take something more valuable, time.

So, I did what I thought was right and I hung up a for sale sign, then took out some craigslist ads.

I just couldn't do it. I showed the boat, and had an offer, and prior to signing any paperwork I backed out.

The problem was that my boat represented something more to me than just a object. It was a dream, a dream of freedom. Freedom from what I do not know, because I already have a great life, but freedom all the same. The fact is I love the sea, and I could not give it up. I could not look forward to rose gardening.

Fast forward a short year later, and all is better with the admiral. She has come to peace that my boating hobby is part of who I am. She goes along, and I think/hope she enjoys it.

I've also come to peace with something else. Not all of our dreams are the same. She like many folks wants peaceful tranquility, a rose garden, her home, and animals. I want to go cruising. I want to explore.

Neither of us are willing to give up on our dreams. She has her life, and I enjoy it as well. As I age will spend more and more time cruising. We will both have to compromise. But it wouldn't be right for either of us to give up our dreams for the other.

So, my advice to you is look at your dreams, and see how your boat fits in. A large boat is a specialized piece of equipment. Do your dreams fit the boat?

If so, keep your boat, and work out other compromises with your admiral. If you think a different boat might fit your dreams, and possibly fit in better with hers, then that is a possibility.

My only caution is that if you sell your trawler and get a smaller boat, she might still not like it, and you could find yourself out of the boating hobby, never to return.

Then you will have lost the dream entirely. She might be happier, but will you? How will you feel about her five years from now, after having your dream taken away?

Remember, You both get this one little life to live. One shot at it. Live your dreams, and let her live hers. Respect that you are two different people, and have different dreams, and work out a compromise based on that mutual respect.

ksanders said:

I've also come to peace with something else. Not all of our dreams are the same. She like many folks wants peaceful tranquility, a rose garden, her home, and animals. I want to go cruising. I want to explore.

Neither of us are willing to give up on our dreams. She has her life, and I enjoy it as well. As I age will spend more and more time cruising. We will both have to compromise. But it wouldn't be right for either of us to give up our dreams for the other.

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Very well put. And very true. Probably not too many people could adjust to that reality as well as you two have -- I envy you.

jwnall said:

Very well put. And very true. Probably not too many people could adjust to that reality as well as you two have -- I envy you.

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Thanks!

Saying how this worked out in a forum post, seems to make it look like it was easy. The reality is there were some very serious discussions, and not all of them pretty to get to the point we are at now.

Marriage is not easy. It takes work, communication, respect, and an appreciation for the fact that we are different people. It also takes a belief that our partners dreams, wants, and desires, are just as important as ours.

No Kevin, it didn't seem easy for you. Some times it is not easy to find the balance between two loves. Respect for each other is what makes it work. Thanks for being so open with your story. I hope BlueHeron can find that balance.

Wow. Thanks for the story. This reminds me how lucky I am to have a wife who is as much of an adventurer as I am. Good for you in looking to compromise.

Kevin, great advice! Thanks. I'm still on the fence. It will be my decision. Some good info and big medicine in these words
I appreciate it

Kevin, your story really touched me and made me realize all over again how lucky I (and many others) are to have a spouse that enjoys boating. Maybe not quite as much as we do, but enjoys it nonetheless.

I'm glad for you that your situation worked out the way it did.

I don't know...cruising reminds me a lot like being deployed in the military...only really works for a handful...

Separation makes the heart grow fonder" seemed to work better for past generations.

While I wish everyone their dreams....I have to say finding serious cruising couples that have both partners passionate for it is pretty rare.....(in the big scheme of things...I wouldn't use TF as any kind of yardstick on that one...). Short trips and weekends aside....

Good words, Kevin.

Kevin-

Hello from Southern South East AK- Your thoughts are well though out and appreciated by myself. While I have a willing partner in my wife in boating, we too have come to an agreement that allows me to not feel guilty when I take off.
In our case, I travel up to Wrangell (13 hours) to play golf staying for seven to ten days making it a worthwhile voyage. Weather permitting the ten days has been the limit of each stay. This event happens approximately 6 or 7 times each season.
This arrangement worked for the past several years even with her having a sister residing in Wrangell. Almost as Blue Heron has indicated, even that arrangement is testy so we have decided that this summer she will accommodate me up, spend a few days and then return by ferry. or vise-versa and come home with me on the boat. Of course while there we reside on the boat which truthfully is a joyful time as I can cook, visit with traveling boaters from the South and in general besides golf, enjoy the intent of my retirement.
That said, sharing somehow makes the telling a little more important knowing there are others facing similar decisions.
Thanks again Kevin and Blue Heron for sharing.
"If Momma isn't happy ain't anybody happy!!"
AMJ-Ketchikan

Basically my wife was immature. I'd be at home in the bath and she'd come in and sink my boats.

Woody Allen

Great post Kevin. Very true and valuable meaning.

-Josh

I want more adventure. I'm not ready to shuffle of yet and fortunately neither does my wife. I've been able to convince her of my passion and happily she understands. I know I am a very lucky man (I almost wrote fortunate again) but it really does take work to keep a marriage alive.

And then, unfortunately you just sometime have to.....




Get rid of the wife..

Piratesailor said:

And then, unfortunately you just sometime have to.....




Get rid of the wife..

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And then sometimes, equally unfortunately, the wife gets rid of you.

Lol Pirate Sailor!

I have decided to sell. Smaller boat awaits. I don't want to singlehand the trawler and I want to get out on the water more so its gonna be a trade off.

It's been a great boat.

Actually the last two posts regarding spouses might sound funny, but they are not all that inaccurate.

So we've established that we are all different, and that we all have our own dreams and aspirations, and that that's ok.

If a person is in a spousal situation, and if in that situation either person does not recognize and respect the other persons dreams, hopes, desires, then that creates a situation where a continued relationship might need to be re-evaluated.

The concept here is that again we only get one little life to live, one shot at this life. A relationship cannot be one sided either way.

A good example of this, and I'll side with the spouses here is if we have a dream of cruising, and if that dream means spending so much of our financial resources that our spouses dreams are unobtainable as a result.

We need to be careful that we do not create that situation. On the flip side we need to be firm that if our spouses dreams are met we should not be denied our dreams just because they are expensive by nature.

Sometimes its more complex and nobody's at fault. Sometimes a couple that share the same hopes, dreams, and desires in their youth, do not share those same hopes, dreams, and desires in their 50's or 60's. I'm guessing that many of us that want a cruising lifestyle fall into that situation with our spouses.

The trick is how to reconcile those differences. It takes compromise. It might also mean cruising alone some, with the admrial meeting up with you. It might even mean cruising less as a compromise. Compromise is good, giving up on your dreams is not.

What I find very weird here is how any spouse could ever NOT have the same "dreams" as the other. Bess and I are in lockstep with our future. Always have been. If we don't agree on the big stuff, we don't do it. Sure, we have some side hobbies that aren't always the same (racing vs. yoga), but something as big as cruising or even just boat ownership in general, is just an all-encompassing lifestyle, I can't POSSIBLY fathom couples doing that separately. How can any man (or woman) possibly enjoy something without your chosen life partner by their side to share it with?

Somehow, Tom, I have just never pictured you as a yoga guy. Guess one just never knows.

Yea. I like Key Lime Pie flavored.

Tom.B said:

What I find very weird here is how any spouse could ever NOT have the same "dreams" as the other. Bess and I are in lockstep with our future. Always have been. If we don't agree on the big stuff, we don't do it. Sure, we have some side hobbies that aren't always the same (racing vs. yoga), but something as big as cruising or even just boat ownership in general, is just an all-encompassing lifestyle, I can't POSSIBLY fathom couples doing that separately. How can any man (or woman) possibly enjoy something without your chosen life partner by their side to share it with?

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Tom, it sounds like you and your admiral are very much in tune with each other, and think alike. That is wonderful.

My admiral and I have our individual dreams. In some instances those dreams overlap, in other instances they do not, and its not just boats. I am an individual person, and so is my wife. We are not extensions of each other's personality, we are both independent creatures, drawn together through a common bond.

What we have, something that has matured over time is a respect for our individualism, and an agreed acceptance of our commonality and our differences.

Our doing things together falls along the same lines. I want to explore. I am driven to it in ways that are not explainable. I have a life history, long before my wife and I met of being an explorer. In fact we would not have met if I hadn't dropped everything on a dream of becoming an Alaskan Bush Pilot.

I cherish my wife very much, but that does not change the part of my personality, or quench my drive to explore. The great thing is that she respects that. That is part of what attracted her to me in the first place.

I often kid with her that she would have been happier marrying an accountant, but she didn't. She married an adventurer. She has been there, and will I'm sure will be there for whatever hair brained adventure I come up with next.

Sometimes kicking and screaming, but she has led a more exciting, certainly a more frightening, and in some ways a more fulfilling life, because of her choice in me as a husband.

And yes, I moved to Alaska, became a Alaskan Bush pilot, almost died many many times along the way, and had a GREAT time of it.

ksanders said:

Tom, it sounds like you and your admiral are very much in tune with each other, and think alike. That is wonderful.

My admiral and I have our individual dreams. In some instances those dreams overlap, in other instances they do not, and its not just boats. I am an individual person, and so is my wife. We are not extensions of each other's personality, we are both independent creatures, drawn together through a common bond.

What we have, something that has matured over time is a respect for our individualism, and an agreed acceptance of our commonality and our differences.

Our doing things together falls along the same lines. I want to explore. I am driven to it in ways that are not explainable. I have a life history, long before my wife and I met of being an explorer. In fact we would not have met if I hadn't dropped everything on a dream of becoming an Alaskan Bush Pilot.

I cherish my wife very much, but that does not change the part of my personality, or quench my drive to explore. The great thing is that she respects that. That is part of what attracted her to me in the first place.

I often kid with her that she would have been happier marrying an accountant, but she didn't. She married an adventurer. She has been there, and will I'm sure will be there for whatever hair brained adventure I come up with next.

Sometimes kicking and screaming, but she has led a more exciting, certainly a more frightening, and in some ways a more fulfilling life, because of her choice in me as a husband.

And yes, I moved to Alaska, became a Alaskan Bush pilot, almost died many many times along the way, and had a GREAT time of it.

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I guess it's threads like this that make us feel even more blessed. We are totally different personalities and certainly pursued different professions, but we also share the same passions in life. Now that is largely because we've shared them with each other along the way. We've learned from each other along the way. I was a boater and she leaped into boating and her passion equaled mine. Music too. When it came to people and friends then I learned from her. We continue to learn together.

Quite honestly, if she suddenly had a passion for Chilean art then I'd soon have that same passion from just hearing about it from her and then seeing what it was all about. I'm the business person but she's now equally involved and brings something so special to it.

I know many couples would kill each other if they spent as much time together as we do (not literally). We recognize that we aren't the norm. We respect those who are different. Still, we can't honestly understand what it feels like to not share your partner's passion.

I hope the OP can find a way with their wife of bringing their passions in line. Find those parts that are common and shared, minimize the impact of the others. Maybe it's a RV. Maybe a smaller or larger boat. Maybe it's boating in different places, a charter in the BVI or one in Australia.

When I use to travel on business we both were miserable and talked every night on the phone. I know most were able to do it easier. I honestly think in our case it's all we went through before we were together and what we had to go through to be together. Nothing typical about how we got here or about us today.

I would say this. If anyone and their wife are struggling with this and talking to each other about it gets them nowhere, then find a counselor who can constructively help guide those discussions to some progress.

I want to make a point of clarification after reading this last post. My marriage is fine. This isn't about giving up my dream. It's about compromise and my wife gets physically ill when sleeping aboard. I have a career in the Navy with lots of sea duty. To me it is natural. But not so for others. What once was a great idea was supplanted by s condo on the water and a marina and access to the water. A smaller boat is more ideal and day tripping is more in line with my family solar power.

Lastly, I am not going to be without a boat, I will get another, and chartering a boat with the skills I learned while owning this one, is a nearer dream and one that I can transfer the risk and do so solo.

So please rest easy this isn't a marriage crisis.

Blue Heron said:

I want to make a point of clarification after reading this last post. My marriage is fine. This isn't about giving up my dream. It's about compromise and my wife gets physically ill when sleeping aboard. I have a career in the Navy with lots of sea duty. To me it is natural. But not so for others. What once was a great idea was supplanted by s condo on the water and a marina and access to the water. A smaller boat is more ideal and day tripping is more in line with my family solar power.

Lastly, I am not going to be without a boat, I will get another, and chartering a boat with the skills I learned while owning this one, is a nearer dream and one that I can transfer the risk and do so solo.

So please rest easy this isn't a marriage crisis.

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After reading your last post I have to agree that its probably best to sell your boat, and for a couple of reasons.

Your dream wasn't something you actually need a large boat for. I say that because a condo with a marina and a day boat appear from your post to fill the dream. It also fits in better with your wife, so it is win win situation.

If you would have posted that your dream was to cruise the world, my advice would be different.

Blue Heron said:

I want to make a point of clarification after reading this last post. My marriage is fine. This isn't about giving up my dream. It's about compromise and my wife gets physically ill when sleeping aboard. I have a career in the Navy with lots of sea duty. To me it is natural. But not so for others. What once was a great idea was supplanted by s condo on the water and a marina and access to the water. A smaller boat is more ideal and day tripping is more in line with my family solar power.

Lastly, I am not going to be without a boat, I will get another, and chartering a boat with the skills I learned while owning this one, is a nearer dream and one that I can transfer the risk and do so solo.

So please rest easy this isn't a marriage crisis.

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Sounds great. And if her problem is sleeping on a boat, then when you charter, you sleep at the resort.