Humor

The guys I have lunch with asked me what actress I would like to be stuck in an elevator with.

I told them the one who knows how to fix elevators. I'm old, tired, and pee a lot...

MURPHY'S OTHER 15 LAWS


1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

2. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

3. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

4. A day without sunshine is like, well, night.

5. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

6. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

7. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

8. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

9. It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end-to-end, someone from California would be stupid enough to try to pass them.

10. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.

11. The things that come to those who wait, may be the things left by those who got there first.

12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.

13. Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.

14 . God gave you toes as a device for finding furniture in the dark.

15. When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of twelve people, who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

dimer2 said:

...the next morning Obama awakened with Lorena Bobbitt, Tonya Harding and Nancy Pelosi in his bed.

His penis was gone, his knees were broken, and he had no health insurance. ​

God is good.... ​

Click to expand...

as Churchill said: The sun never caught me in bed,
I close the curtains

The future for some of us?

dwhatty said:

The future for some of us?

Click to expand...

LOL! Excellent.

'Stones!

Golfer

A golfer playing in Ireland hooked his drive into the woods. Looking for his ball, he found a little Leprechaun flat on his back, a big bump on his head and the golfer's ball beside him.
Horrified, the golfer got his water bottle from the cart and poured it over the little guy, reviving him.

"Arrgh! What happened?" the Leprechaun asked.

"I'm afraid I hit you with my golf ball," the golfer says.

"Oh, I see. Well, ye got me fair and square. Ye get three wishes, so whaddya want?"

"Thank God, you're all right!" the golfer answers in relief. "I don't want anything, I'm just glad you're OK, and I apologize."

And the golfer walks off.

"What a nice guy," the Leprechaun says to himself.

"I have to do something for him. I'll give him the three things I would want... a great golf game, all the money he ever needs, and a fantastic sex life."

A year goes by and the golfer is back. On the same hole, he again hits a bad drive into the woods and the Leprechaun is there waiting for him.

"Twas me that made ye hit the ball here," the little guy says. "I just want to ask ye, how's yer golf game?"

"My game is fantastic!" the golfer answers. "I'm an internationally famous golfer now." He adds, "By the way, it's good to see you're all right."

"Oh, I'm fine now, thank ye. I did that fer yer golf game, you know. And tell me, how's yer money situation?"

"Why, it's just wonderful!" the golfer states. "When I need cash, I just reach in my pocket and pull out $100 bills I didn't even know were there!"

"I did that fer ye also. And tell me, how's yer sex life?"

The golfer blushes, turns his head away in embarrassment, and says shyly, "It's OK."

"C'mon, c'mon now," urged the Leprechaun, "I'm wanting to know if I did a good job. How many times a week?"

Blushing even more, the golfer looks around then whispers, "Once, sometimes twice a week."

"What?" responds the Leprechaun in shock.

"That's all? Only once or twice a week?"

"Well," says the golfer, "I figure that's not bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish."

Good one Ron

dwhatty said:

Good one Ron

Click to expand...

Agreed!

Many of us have had close call with the law after having a few to many and then driving home. Couple days ago I was out and had to many adult beverages with some friends of mine. I knew I was way over the line so I did something I had never done before, I took a cab home. Sure enough 1/2 way home there was a check point and being as I was in a cab I was waived right through no problem. I was really surprised by this. Now the cab is in my garage, I do not where I got it, and I am not really sure what to do with it.

Ted

DRIVING
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to major crossroad. The stop light was red, but they just went on through.

The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light." After a few more minutes, they came to another major junction and the light was red again. Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous.

At the next junction, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through. So, she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!"


Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh! Am I driving?"

And now we have:

Sustainable Kidnapping (Thingstarter Ep. 4 of 6) - YouTube

Blond Men

A friend told the blond man: "Christmas is
on a Friday this year."
The blond man then said,
"Let's hope it's not the 13th."
------------------------------------
Two blond men find three
grenades, and they decide to take them to a police
station. One asked: "What if one
explodes before we get there?"
The other says: "We'll
lie and say we only found two."
------------------------------------
A woman phoned her blond neighbor man and
said: "Close your curtains the next time you & your wife are
having sex. The whole street was
watching and laughing at you yesterday."
To which the blond man replied: "Well
the joke's on all of you because I wasn't even at home
yesterday."
------------------------------------
A blond man is in the bathroom and his
wife shouts: "Did you find the
shampoo?" He answers, "Yes, but I'm not sure what to
do... it's for dry hair, and I've just wet mine."
------------------------------
A blond man goes to the vet with his
goldfish. "I think it's got
epilepsy," he tells the vet.
The vet takes a look and says, "It
seems calm enough to me".
The blonde man says, "Wait, I haven't
taken it out of the bowl yet".
------------------------------------
A blond man spies a letter lying on his
doormat. It says on the envelope "DO NOT BEND ". He spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick it up.
------------------------------------
A blond man shouts frantically into the
phone "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes
apart!" "Is this her first child?" asks
the Doctor. "No", he shouts, "this is her
husband!"
------------------------------------
A blond man was driving home, drunk as a
skunk. Suddenly he has to swerve to avoid a tree, then
another, then another. A cop car pulls him
over, so he tells the cop about all the trees in the road.
The cop says, "That's your air
freshener swinging about!"
------------------------------------
A blond man is in jail.. Guard looks in
his cell and sees him hanging by his feet. "Just WHAT are you doing?"
he asks.
"Hanging myself," the blond
replies.
"It should be around your neck"
says the guard.
"I tried that," he replies, "but
then I couldn't breathe".
------------------------------------
(This one actually makes sense...sort
of...)
An Italian tourist asks a blond man: "Why
do Scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?"
To which the blonde man replies: "If they
fell forward, they'd still be in the
boat."

...can you drive a truck???

A group of women were at a seminar on how to live in a loving
relationship with your husband.

The women were asked, "How many of you love your husband?"

All the women raised their hands.

Then they were asked, "When was the last time you told your
husband you loved him?"

Some women answered today, a few yesterday, and some couldn't
remember.

The women were then told to take out their cell phones and text their
husband:

"I love you sweetheart."

The women were then told to exchange phones with another person,
and to read aloud the text message they received, in response.

Here are some of the replies :



1. Who the hell is this?


2. Eh, mother of my children, are you sick or what?


3. Yeh, and I love you too. What's up with you??


4. What now? Did you crash the car again?


5. I don't understand what you mean?


6. What the heck did you do now?


7. ?!?


8. Don't beat about the bush, just tell me how
much you need?


9. Am I dreaming?


10. If you don't tell me who this message is actually
for, someone will die.


11. I thought we agreed you wouldn't drink during the day.


12. Your mother is coming to stay with us, isn't she??

Subject: An old lady's prayer

An old lady's prayer

In church I heard a sweet elderly lady in the pew next to me saying a prayer. It was so innocent and sincere that I just have to share it with you:

"Dear Lord,
This has been a tough four to five years. You have taken my favorite actor Paul Newman, my favorite actress Elizabeth Taylor, my favorite singer Whitney Houston, and now my favorite author Tom Clancy.

I just wanted you to know that my favorite politicians are Barack Obama, Joe Biden, Nancy Pelosi, and Harry Reid.

Amen."

Careful...

I actually got an in-person visit from the secret service over a bumper-sticker.

I ain't sayin', I'm jus' sayin'.

MC Escher said:

Careful...

I actually got an in-person visit from the secret service over a bumper-sticker.

I ain't sayin', I'm jus' sayin'.

Click to expand...

Do you have a picture of the bumper sticker?

I never actually found out which bumper sticker it was.

I would never even have known that the visit was because of a bumper sticker if it wasn't for the fact that I was friends with the chief of police.

Mr. Trainer

MC Escher said:

I never actually found out which bumper sticker it was.

I would never even have known that the visit was because of a bumper sticker if it wasn't for the fact that I was friends with the chief of police.

Click to expand...

I don't think that it was the bumper sticker, but rather that suit of armor you go around in.

An old man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the movie theater.

When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the old man,
"Sorry sir, but you're only allowed one seat."

The old man didn't budge.

The usher became more impatient.
"Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager."

Once again, the old man just muttered and did nothing.

The usher marched briskly back up the aisle, and in a moment he returned
with the manager. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move the old
dishevelled man, but with no success.


Finally they summoned the police.

The officer surveyed the situation briefly then asked,
"All right buddy what's your name?"

"Fred," the old man moaned.

"Where ya from, Fred?" asked the police officer.

With a terrible grunt in his voice, and without moving, Fred replied...

"The balcony."

Moonstruck said:

I don't think that it was the bumper sticker, but rather that suit of armor you go around in.

Click to expand...

But we have a plan!

Bless me father.....

An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Rimini, Italy,
went to the local church for confession.




When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, The man




said: "Father ... During World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our




neighbourhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from the




Nazis. So I hid her in my attic."




The priest replied: "That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have




no need to confess that."




"There is more to tell, Father... She started to repay me with sexual




favours.This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on Sundays.'




The priest said, "That was a long time ago and by doing what you did,




you placed the two of you in great danger, but two people under those




circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh.




However, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven."




"Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. I do have one




more question."




" And what is that?" asked the priest.




"Should I tell her the war is over?"