Humor

windmist said:

I have a little GPS
I've had it all my life
It's better than the normal ones
My GPS is my wife

It gives me full instructions
Especially how to drive
"It's thirty miles an hour", it says
"You're doing thirty five"

It tells me when to stop and start
And when to use the brake
And tells me that it's never ever
Safe to overtake

It tells me when a light is red
And when it goes to green
It seems to know instinctively
Just when to intervene

It lists the vehicles just in front
And all those to the rear
And taking this into account
It specifies my gear.

I'm sure no other driver
Has so helpful a device
For when we leave and lock the car
It still gives its advice
It fills me up with counseling
Each journey's pretty fraught
So why don't I exchange it
And get a quieter sort?

Ah well, you see, it cleans the house,
Makes sure I'm properly fed,
It washes all my shirts and things
And - keeps me warm in bed!

Despite all these advantages
And my tendency to scoff,
I do wish that once in a while
I could turn the damned thing off.

Click to expand...

That's a good one!

dwhatty said:

That's a good one!

Click to expand...

I just sent it to my wife but she hasn't read it yet. ==========>

SeaHorse II said:

I just sent it to my wife but she hasn't read it yet. ==========>

Click to expand...

A brave one or just plain crazy?

Boating, Fishing, Siesta

The following story was found posted at the Club Cruceros in La Paz, Mexico:

The American businessman was at the pier of a small coastal Mexican village when a small boat with just one fisherman docked. Inside the small boat were several large yellowfin tuna. The American complimented the Mexican on the quality of his fish and asked how long it took to catch them.

The Mexican replied, "Only a little while."

The American then asked why didn't he stay out longer and catch more fish.

The Mexican said he had enough to support his family's immediate needs.

The American then asked, "But what do you do with the rest of your time?"

The Mexican fisherman said, "I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, take siesta with my wife, Maria, and stroll into the village each evening where I sip wine and play guitar with my amigos. I have a full and busy life, señor."

The American scoffed, "I am a Harvard MBA and could help you. You should spendmore time fishing and with the proceeds buy a bigger boat. With the proceeds from the bigger boat you could buy several boats and eventually you would have a fleet of fishing boats. Instead of selling your catch to a middleman you would sell directly to the processor, eventually opening your own cannery. You would control the product, processing and distribution. You would need to leave this small coastal fishing village and move to Mexico City, then Los Angeles, and eventually New York where you will run your expanding enterprise."

The Mexican fisherman asked, "But señor, how long will this all take?"

To which the American replied, "Fifteen to 20 years."

"But what then, señor?"

The American laughed and said, "That's the best part. When the time is right you would announce an IPO and sell your companies stock to the public and become very rich. You would make millions."

"Millions, señor? Then what?"

The American said, "Then you would retire. Move to a small coastal fishing village where you would sleep late, fish a little, play with your kids, take siesta with your wife, stroll to the village in the evenings where you could sip wine and play your guitar with your amigos."

22 thumbs up!

Seen scribed on a wooden bench on top of the city walls of Valetta, Malta:

"I hate the world, but I love Gloria."

A cabbie picks up a Nun in San Francisco. she gets into the the cab, and the notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her.

She asks him yhy he is staring,. He replies: 'I have a question to ask, but I don't want to offend you.'

She answers, 'My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a num as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.'

"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a Nun kiss me.'

She responds, 'Well, let's see what we can d about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be a Catholic.'

The cab driver is very excited and says, 'Yes, I'm single and Catholic!"

'OK' the nun says. 'Pull into the next alley.'

The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.

But when they get back on the road the cab driver starts crying.

'My dear child,' said the nun, 'Why are you crying?'

'Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess; I'm married and I'm Jewish.'

The nun says, 'That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party.'

Okay- One more then that is it for the day!! Al

The Ventriloquist



A young ventriloquist is touring Sweden and, one night, he's doing a show in a small fishing town.
With his dummy on knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes.



Suddenly, a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting,
"I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes.
What makes you think you can stereotype Swedish blond women that way?
What does the color of a woman's hair have to do with her worth as a human being?
It's men like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community
And from reaching our full potential as people.
Its people like you that make others think that all blondes are dumb!
You and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general..
Pathetically all in the name of humor!"



The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the Blonde yells:
"You stay out of this! I'm talking to that little **** on your lap."

Roflmao!

Cereal and milk true story.
My 19 year old daughter and I were heading out to Kelly Island early one morning this past summer. After casting off and clearing the break wall, my daughter came up to the fly bridge chomping on a bowl of fruit loops. Feeling a crawl in my tummy, I passed the helm off to her and went below to get me a bowl.
Returning to the bridge, I see my 5 foot nothing child that still has not reached the 100 lbs mark, perched on the back of the helm chair steering the vessel with her foot as she chomped away on her fruit loops.
Just as I sat down on the bench set, next to her, we took a nice little wave that rocked the vessel. As my daughter wheeled the helm and power up a little to straighten the vessel out, all with her foot and never spilled a drop. My bowl of fruit loops however, landed right in my lap. Needless to say, I was not a happy boater.
After I uttered a few choice words, my daughter through me a glance as she chomping away on her fruit loops than said flatly. “What’s the matter Pops, you getting too old to handle your fruit loops?”
I could not help it. I busted out laughing.
My daughter’s wit and humor always brightens my day even when I am covered in cereal and milk.
Happy cruising.
H. Foster

Thank you Mr. Foster.
That little diddy just brightened up my day!

OD

Thanks Off Duty.

I'm glad it brought some brightness to you. Times like that make cruising well worth it to me. Even went times get hard, I can always think of something that happen when cruising to make me laugh and places a smile on my face.

Happy cruising.

H. Foster

Spiders on Drugs

Spiders On Drugs - YouTube

:lol: Larry,

That was hilarious!!!

Popped a cap in it's ass...

Country Preacher

A country preacher had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession. Like many young men his age, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he didn't seem too concerned about it. One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table four objects..
1. A Bible...
2. A silver dollar...
3. A bottle of whiskey...
4. And a Playboy magazine...

'I'll just hide behind the door,' the old preacher said to himself. 'When he comes home from school today, I'll see which object he picks up.

If it's the Bible, he's going to be a preacher like me, and what a blessing that would be!

If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a business man, and that would be okay, too.

But if he picks up the bottle, he's going to be a no-good drunken bum, and Lord, what a shame that would be.

And worst of all if he picks up that magazine he's going to be a skirt-chasing womanizer.'

The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son's foot-steps as he entered the house whistling and headed for his room.

The boy tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room he spotted the objects on the table..

With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them. Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm. He picked up the silver dollar and dropped into his pocket. He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink, while he admired this month's centerfold.

'Lord have mercy,' the old preacher disgustedly whispered.

He is going into politics...

two cannibals were chatting:
- I can not stand my mother in law
- Then eat just the potatoes

...

Couple funny ones.

Now that was some funny stuff! Thanks

Ethical Dilema

After a client has left his office, the lawyer finds $500 cash in the chair the client has just vacated. He really needs the money right now and is sorely tempted, but his conscience is bothering him. Should he keep the money, or should he split it with his partners?

Some more and this found this on face book "How To Simulate Being A Sailor" 1. Buy a steel dumpster, paint it gray inside and out, and live in it for six months. 2. Run all the pipes and wires in your house exposed on the walls. 3. Repaint your entire house every month. 4. Renovate your bathroom. Build a wall across the middle of the bathtub and move the shower head to chest level. When you take showers, make sure you turn off the water while you soap down. 5. Put lube oil in your humidifier and set it on high. 6. Once a week, blow compressed air (or use a leaf blower) up your chimney, making sure the wind carries the soot onto your neighbor's house. Ignore his complaints. 7. Once a month, take all major appliances apart and then reassemble them. 8. Raise the thresholds and lower the headers of your front and back doors so that you either trip or bang your head every time you pass through them. 9. Disassemble and inspect your lawnmower every week. 10. On Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays, turn your water heater temperature up to 200 degrees. On Tuesdays and Thursdays, turn the water heater off. On Saturdays and Sundays tell your family they use too much water during the week, so no bathing will be allowed. 11. Raise your bed to within 6 inches of the ceiling, so you can't turn over without getting out and then getting back in. 12. Sleep on the shelf in your closet. Replace the closet door with a curtain. Have your spouse whip open the curtain about 3 hours after you go to sleep, shine a flashlight in your eyes, and say "Sorry, wrong rack." 13. Make your family qualify to operate each appliance in your house - dishwasher operator, blender technician, etc. Re-qualify every 6 months. 14. Have your neighbor come over each day at 0500, blow a whistle so loud Helen Keller could hear it, and shout "Reveille, reveille, all hands heave out and trice up." 15. Have your mother-in-law write down everything she's going to do the following day, then have her make you stand in your back yard at 0600 while she reads it to you. 16. Submit a request chit to your father-in-law requesting permission to leave your house before 1500. 17. Empty all the garbage bins in your house and sweep the driveway three times a day, whether it needs it or not. Have someone repeat loudly, "Now sweepers, sweepers, man your brooms, give the ship a clean sweep down fore and aft, empty all ****cans and butt kits over the fantail!" 18. Have your neighbor collect all your mail for a month, read your magazines, and randomly lose every 5th item before delivering it to you. 19. Watch no TV except for movies played in the middle of the night. Have your family vote on which movie to watch, then show a different one. Repeat the same movie several nights in a row. 20. When your children are in bed, run into their room with a megaphone shouting that your home is under attack and ordering them to their battle stations, shouting, "Now general quarters, general quarters, all hands man your battle stations!" 21. Make your family menu a week ahead of time without consulting the pantry or refrigerator. 22. Post a menu on the kitchen door informing your family that they are having steak for dinner. Then make them wait in line for an hour. When you finally get to the kitchen, tell them you are out of steak, but they can have dried ham or hot dogs. Repeat daily until they ignore the menu and just ask for hot dogs. 23. Bake a cake. Prop up one side of the pan so the cake bakes unevenly. Spread icing real thick to level it off. 24. Get up every night around midnight and have a peanut butter and jelly sandwich on stale bread. (Call this "Midrats".) 2 5. Set your alarm clock to go off at random during the night. At the alarm, jump up and dress as fast as you can, making sure to button your top shirt button and tuck your pants into your socks. Run out into the backyard and uncoil the garden hose. 26. Every week or so, throw your cat or dog in the pool and shout "Man overboard port side!" Rate your family members on how quickly they respond. 27. Put the headphones from your stereo on your head, but don't plug them in. Hang a paper cup around your neck on a string. Stand in front of the stove, and speak into the paper cup "Stove manned and ready." After an hour or so, speak into the cup again "Stove secured." Roll up the headphones and paper cup and stow them in a shoebox. 28. Make your family turn out all the lights and go to bed at 2200, saying, "Now taps, taps! Lights out! Maintain silence throughout the ship!" Then immediately have an 18-wheeler crash into your house (for the benefit of aircraft carrier sailors). 29. Build a fire in a trash can in your garage. Loudly announce to your family, "This is a drill! This is a drill! Fire in hangar bay one!" 30. Place a podium at the end of your driveway. Have your family stand watches at the podium, rotating at 4 hour intervals. This is best done when the weather is worst. January is a good time. (remember guarding the clothes line or trash cans?) 31. When there is a thunderstorm in your area, get a wobbly rocking chair, sit in it and rock as hard as you can until you become nauseated. Make sure to have a supply of stale crackers in your shirt pocket. ALT: Find the biggest horse you can, put a 2-inch mattress on his back, and strap yourself to it. Turn him loose in a barn filled with snakes for six hours and try to sleep. Then get up and go to work. 32. For former engineers: bring your lawn mower into the living room and run it all day long. 33. Make coffee using eighteen scoops of budget priced coffee grounds per pot; let the pot simmer for 5 hours before drinking. 34. Have someone under the age of ten give you a haircut with sheep shears. 35. Sew the back pockets of your jeans on the front. 36. Add 1/3 cup diesel fuel to the laundry. 37. Take hourly readings on your electric and water meters. 38. Every couple of weeks, dress up in your best clothes and go to the scummiest part of town. Find the most run down, trashiest bar, and drink beer until you are hammered. Then walk all the way home. 39. Lock yourself and your family in the house for six weeks. Tell them that at the end of the 6th week you are going to take them to Disney World for "liberty." At the end of the 6th week, inform them the trip to Disney World has been canceled because they need to get ready for an inspection, and it will be another week before they can leave the house. 40. Hire someone to hammer on a 55-gal drum at random hours to simulate paint chipping

These guys are tough. I don’t remember any wars they've had since 1953, so these medals must be for heroism in marching, posturing and praising the dear leader.
North Korean officers… could be easily defeated with a giant magnet...

N4712 said:

...these medals must be for heroism in marching, posturing and praising the dear leader.

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Reminds me of when my daughter was in brownies (Jr Girl Scouts.) Maybe they're merit badges?

Ah, how cool we men are (we think)!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JvlQYi5LoYM&feature=player_embedded

O Well if we are into videos, I have not seen this one posted on the forum yet. Old standard with new captions. Al

Hitler's health insurance is cancelled - YouTube

And as Christmas is about here: Why Not?- Al

> Sibbarpsrevyn - YouTube

'Cornish - Three Kick Rule'


An English lawyer went duck hunting near Truro . He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence.

As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."

The old farmer Peter replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."

The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial lawyers in England and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes in Cornwall. We settle small disagreements like this with the 'Three Kick Rule.'

The lawyer asked, "What is the 'Three Kick Rule'?"

The Farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, I get to go first. I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up."

The lawyer quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.

The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel-toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees.

His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth. The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end, sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie.

Summoning every bit of his will and remaining strength the lawyer very slowly managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, you old fart. Now it's my turn."


The old farmer smiled and said, "Nah, I give up. You can have the duck."