One liners.

I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said "Thyroid problem?"

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realised that The Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me.

I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my boss to go swimming.

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

A cement mixer collided with a prison van on the Kingston Bypass. Motorists are asked to be on the lookout for 16 hardened criminals.

Sex is like bridge: If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

If we aren't supposed to eat animals, then why are they made out of meat?

Politicians are wonderful people as long as they stay away from things they don't understand, such as working for a living.

I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.

I'm really not alive, I just play that part on TV.

Better a bottle in front of me, then a frontal lobotomy.

I was devastated to find out my wife was having an affair but, by turning to religion, I was soon able to come to terms with the whole thing. I converted to Islam, and we're ston ing her in the morning!

A man calls 911 and says, "I think my wife is dead". the operator says, "How do you know"? the man says "The sex is about the same, but the ironing is piling up!"

The Red Cross just knocked on my door and asked if we could contribute towards the floods in Pakistan. I said we'd love to, but our garden hose only reaches the driveway.

Al

The best argument against democracy is a 5 minute conversation with the average voter.

Socialism is a wonderful thing but at some point you run out of other peoples money.