markpierce
Master and Commander
- Joined
- Sep 25, 2010
- Messages
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- USA
- Vessel Name
- Carquinez Coot
- Vessel Make
- penultimate Seahorse Marine Coot hull #6
Humor
- Thread starter Keith
- Start date
The friendliest place on the web for anyone who enjoys boating.
If you have answers, please help by responding to the unanswered posts.
If you have answers, please help by responding to the unanswered posts.
SYLVIA: Hi! Wanda.
WANDA: Hi! Sylvia.
How'd you die?
SYLVIA: I froze to death.
WANDA: How horrible!...
SYLVIA: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death.
What about you?
WANDA: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.
SYLVIA: So, what happened?
WANDA: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking.
I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds.
I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.
SYLVIA: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer -- we'd both still be alive.
WANDA: Hi! Sylvia.
How'd you die?
SYLVIA: I froze to death.
WANDA: How horrible!...
SYLVIA: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death.
What about you?
WANDA: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.
SYLVIA: So, what happened?
WANDA: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking.
I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds.
I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.
SYLVIA: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer -- we'd both still be alive.
Two Irishmen flew to Colorado on a hunting trip. They chartered a small plane to take them into the bush for a week hunting deer. They managed to bag 6. As they were loading the plane to return, the pilot said the plane could take only 4 deer.
The two lads objected strongly. “Last year we shot six. The pilot let us take them all and he had the same plane as yours.”
Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded. The plane took off. However, while attempting to cross some mountains even on full power the little plane couldn’t handle the load and went down.
Somehow, surrounded by the deer bodies, only Paddy and Mick survived the crash.
After climbing out of the wreckage, Paddy asked Mick:“Any idea where we are?”
Mick replied:“I think we’re pretty close to where we crashed last year.”
The two lads objected strongly. “Last year we shot six. The pilot let us take them all and he had the same plane as yours.”
Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded. The plane took off. However, while attempting to cross some mountains even on full power the little plane couldn’t handle the load and went down.
Somehow, surrounded by the deer bodies, only Paddy and Mick survived the crash.
After climbing out of the wreckage, Paddy asked Mick:“Any idea where we are?”
Mick replied:“I think we’re pretty close to where we crashed last year.”
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dwhatty
Moderator Emeritus
- Joined
- Sep 25, 2008
- Messages
- 2,846
- Location
- USA
- Vessel Name
- "Emily Anne"
- Vessel Make
- 2001 Island Gypsy 32 Europa (Hull #146)
If you live(d) in Maine, then these will make sense...
1. Traffic Jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor on the highway.
2. "Vacation" means going to Bangor for the weekend.
3. You measure distance in hours.
4. You know several people who have hit deer more than once.
5. You often switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day.
6. You use a down comforter in the summer.
7. Your grandparents drive at 65 mph through 13 feet of snow during a raging blizzard, without flinching.
8. You see people wearing hunting clothes at social events.
9. You install security lights on your house and garage and leave them both unlocked.
10. You think of the major food groups as deer meat, beer, fish and berries.
11. You carry jumper cables in your car and your girlfriend knows how to use them.
12. There are four empty cars running in the parking lot at the convenience store at any given time.
13. You design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.
14. Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow.
15. You think sexy lingerie is tube socks and flannel pajamas.
16. You know all four seasons: almost wintah, wintah, still wintah and construction.
17. You actually understand these jokes and send them to all your friends from Maine.
1. Traffic Jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor on the highway.
2. "Vacation" means going to Bangor for the weekend.
3. You measure distance in hours.
4. You know several people who have hit deer more than once.
5. You often switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day.
6. You use a down comforter in the summer.
7. Your grandparents drive at 65 mph through 13 feet of snow during a raging blizzard, without flinching.
8. You see people wearing hunting clothes at social events.
9. You install security lights on your house and garage and leave them both unlocked.
10. You think of the major food groups as deer meat, beer, fish and berries.
11. You carry jumper cables in your car and your girlfriend knows how to use them.
12. There are four empty cars running in the parking lot at the convenience store at any given time.
13. You design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.
14. Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow.
15. You think sexy lingerie is tube socks and flannel pajamas.
16. You know all four seasons: almost wintah, wintah, still wintah and construction.
17. You actually understand these jokes and send them to all your friends from Maine.
Andy G
Hospitality Officer
- Joined
- Sep 20, 2010
- Messages
- 1,897
- Location
- Australia
- Vessel Name
- Sarawana
- Vessel Make
- IG 36 Quad Cabin
This one is a good one. However you need to know a little about England to get it.
So a quick reference guide for those who may need it.
1/ A 'scouser' is a native of Liverpool
2/ Steven Gerard a captain of Liverpool FC
3/ Wayne Rooney, a gifted footballer who plays for Liverpool's arch Rival, Manchester United, he was born in Liverpool, not generally considered the 'sharpest knife in the block'
53,000 Scousers meet in Anfield for a 'Scousers Are Not Stupid' convention.
Steven Gerrard addresses the crowd.. 'We are all here today to prove to the world that Scousers are not stupid. Can I have a volunteer please?'
Wayne Rooney gingerly works his way through the crowd and steps up to the stage.
Gerrard asks him 'What is 15 plus 15?'
After 15 or 20 seconds Rooney says, ' Forty!'
Obviously everyone is a little disappointed. Then the Scousers start chanting 'Give him another chance! Give him another chance!'
Gerrard says, 'Well since we have a capacity crowd, world-wide press and global broadcast media here, I think we can give him another chance.'
So he asks, 'What is 5 plus 5?'
After nearly 30 seconds he eventually says, ' Twelve?'
Gerrard looks down and just lets out a dejected sigh.
Everyone is disheartened and Rooney starts crying.
But then the 53,000 Scousers begin to yell and wave their hands shouting, 'Give him another chance! Give him another chance!'
Gerrard, unsure whether he is now doing more harm than good eventually says, 'OK then, what is 2 plus 2?'
Silence hangs over the stadium.
Rooney closes his eyes, and after a whole minute eventually says, 'Four?'
Pandemonium breaks out throughout the stadium as the Scouse crowd stand to a man, wave their arms, stomp their feet and scream,
'Give him another chance! Give him another chance!'
So a quick reference guide for those who may need it.
1/ A 'scouser' is a native of Liverpool
2/ Steven Gerard a captain of Liverpool FC
3/ Wayne Rooney, a gifted footballer who plays for Liverpool's arch Rival, Manchester United, he was born in Liverpool, not generally considered the 'sharpest knife in the block'
53,000 Scousers meet in Anfield for a 'Scousers Are Not Stupid' convention.
Steven Gerrard addresses the crowd.. 'We are all here today to prove to the world that Scousers are not stupid. Can I have a volunteer please?'
Wayne Rooney gingerly works his way through the crowd and steps up to the stage.
Gerrard asks him 'What is 15 plus 15?'
After 15 or 20 seconds Rooney says, ' Forty!'
Obviously everyone is a little disappointed. Then the Scousers start chanting 'Give him another chance! Give him another chance!'
Gerrard says, 'Well since we have a capacity crowd, world-wide press and global broadcast media here, I think we can give him another chance.'
So he asks, 'What is 5 plus 5?'
After nearly 30 seconds he eventually says, ' Twelve?'
Gerrard looks down and just lets out a dejected sigh.
Everyone is disheartened and Rooney starts crying.
But then the 53,000 Scousers begin to yell and wave their hands shouting, 'Give him another chance! Give him another chance!'
Gerrard, unsure whether he is now doing more harm than good eventually says, 'OK then, what is 2 plus 2?'
Silence hangs over the stadium.
Rooney closes his eyes, and after a whole minute eventually says, 'Four?'
Pandemonium breaks out throughout the stadium as the Scouse crowd stand to a man, wave their arms, stomp their feet and scream,
'Give him another chance! Give him another chance!'
FF
Guru
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- Oct 12, 2007
- Messages
- 22,552
In the US I guess the crowd would be Bummer voters that cant read their issued High Skool diploma.
Al
Guru
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- 'SLO'~BELLE
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- 1978 Marben-27' Flybridge Trawler(extended to 30 feet) Pilothouse Pocket Cruiser[
Okay, thought I'd add some current humor to the site- al
Students at a local school were assigned to read 2 books, 'Titanic' and 'My Life' by Bill Clinton. One student turned in the following book report, with the proposition that they were nearly identical stories! His cool professor gave him an A+ for this report.
Titanic: Cost - $29.99
Clinton: Cost - $29.99
Titanic: Over 3 hours to read
Clinton: Over 3 hours to read
Titanic: The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.
Clinton: The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.
Titanic: Jack is a starving artist.
Clinton: Bill is a bullshit artist.
Titanic: In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar.
Clinton: Ditto for Bill.
Titanic: During the ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined.
Clinton: Ditto for Monica.
Titanic: Jack teaches Rose to spit.
Clinton: Let's not go there.
Titanic: Rose gets to keep her jewelry.
Clinton: Monica is forced to return her gifts.
Titanic: Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life.
Clinton: Clinton doesn't remember Jack.
Titanic: Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen.
Clinton: Monica... Ooh, let's not go there, either.
Titanic: Jack surrenders to an icy death.
Clinton: Bill goes home to Hillary - basically the same thing.
Al
Guru
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- usa
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- 'SLO'~BELLE
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- 1978 Marben-27' Flybridge Trawler(extended to 30 feet) Pilothouse Pocket Cruiser[
Okay, That was a groaner, This will make up for it- Al
CROW KILLS
Researchers for the Massachusetts Turnpike Authority found over 200 dead crows near greater Boston recently,
and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu. A Bird Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was definitely NOT Avian Flu.
The cause of death appeared to be vehicular impacts.
However, during the detailed analysis it was noted that varying colors of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws.
By analyzing these paint residues it was determined that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with trucks,
while only 2% were killed by an impact with a car.
MTA then hired an Ornithological Behaviorist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills.
The Ornithological Behaviorist very quickly concluded the cause: when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger. They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah",
not a single one could shout "Truck."
Absolutely amazing!
CROW KILLS
Researchers for the Massachusetts Turnpike Authority found over 200 dead crows near greater Boston recently,
and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu. A Bird Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was definitely NOT Avian Flu.
The cause of death appeared to be vehicular impacts.
However, during the detailed analysis it was noted that varying colors of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws.
By analyzing these paint residues it was determined that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with trucks,
while only 2% were killed by an impact with a car.
MTA then hired an Ornithological Behaviorist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills.
The Ornithological Behaviorist very quickly concluded the cause: when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger. They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah",
not a single one could shout "Truck."
Absolutely amazing!
FF
Guru
- Joined
- Oct 12, 2007
- Messages
- 22,552
LIVING WILL FORM
I, ________________ being of sound mind and body, do not wish to be kept alive indefinitely by artificial means. Under no circumstances should my fate be put in the hands of lawyers/doctors/hospitals interested in simply running up the bills.
If a reasonable amount of time passes, and I fail to ask for at least one of the following:
___a Martini
___a Margarita
___a Scotch and soda
___a Bloody Mary
___a Gin and Tonic
___a Glass of Chardonnay
___a Pork chops
___a Lobster or some crab legs
___ the remote control
___a bowl of ice cream
___the sports page
___sex
___Chocolate
...it should be presumed that I won't ever be getting any better.
When such a determination is reached, I hereby instruct my appointed person and attending physicians to pull the plug, reel in the tubes, and call it a wrap. At this point, please call the New Orleans Jazz Funeral Band ask all of my friends to raise their glasses to toast the good times...
Signature:___________________________________________ Date: ___________
NOTE:
In Ireland they have a Nursing Home with a Pub. The patients are happier, and they have a lot more visitors. Some of them don't need embalming when their time comes... If anyone knows the name of this happy place, PLEASE pass it on!
beachbum29
Guru
Aren't all politicians like that 100% of the time?
A tourist from the Atlanta area was hiking through the mountains of North Georgia when he came upon the tiniest cabin he had ever seen in his life. Intrigued, he went up and knocked on the door.
"Anybody home?" he asked.
"Yep," came a kid's voice through the door.
"Is your father there?" asked the tourist.
"Pa? Nope, he left afore Ma came in," said the kid.
"Well, is your mother there?" persisted the tourist.
"Ma? Nope, she left just afore I got here," said the kid.
"But," protested the city slicker, "are you never together as a family?"
"Sure, but not here," said the kid through the door.. "This is the outhouse!"
"Anybody home?" he asked.
"Yep," came a kid's voice through the door.
"Is your father there?" asked the tourist.
"Pa? Nope, he left afore Ma came in," said the kid.
"Well, is your mother there?" persisted the tourist.
"Ma? Nope, she left just afore I got here," said the kid.
"But," protested the city slicker, "are you never together as a family?"
"Sure, but not here," said the kid through the door.. "This is the outhouse!"
FF
Guru
- Joined
- Oct 12, 2007
- Messages
- 22,552
In case you are having a rough day, here's a stress management technique recommended in all the latest psychological journals. The funny thing is that it really does work and will make you smile.
1. Picture yourself lying on your belly on a warm rock that hangs out over a crystal clear stream.
2. Picture yourself with both your hands dangling in the cool running water.
3. Birds are sweetly singing in the cool mountain air.
4. No one knows your secret place.
5. You are in total seclusion from that hectic place called the world.
6. The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity.
7. The water is so clear that you can make out the face of the Congressman you are holding underwater.
See it worked. You're smiling. You feel better already.
[FONT=Arial, sans-serif][/FONT]
1. Picture yourself lying on your belly on a warm rock that hangs out over a crystal clear stream.
2. Picture yourself with both your hands dangling in the cool running water.
3. Birds are sweetly singing in the cool mountain air.
4. No one knows your secret place.
5. You are in total seclusion from that hectic place called the world.
6. The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity.
7. The water is so clear that you can make out the face of the Congressman you are holding underwater.
See it worked. You're smiling. You feel better already.
[FONT=Arial, sans-serif][/FONT]
Pack Mule
TF Site Team
- Joined
- Jan 24, 2013
- Messages
- 3,749
- Location
- USA
- Vessel Name
- Slo-Poke
- Vessel Make
- Jorgensen custom 44
Husband comes home from work and wife says my washer machine is not working .Can you look at it?
Husband: "Do I look like the Maytag repair man to you?"
Wife: "Ok"
next day Wife:" My car is making a funny noise . Will you look at it ?"
Husband: "Do I look like Mr. Goodwrench ?"
Wife: "Ok"
couple weeks go by
Husband : Hey I will look at the washer machine now
Wife :"That's ok it's fixed "
Husband : "Ok I will look at your car now"
Wife : That's ok it's fixed also"
Husband: "Who fixed them?"
Wife : "the man down the street"
Husband : That was nice of him ,we should do something for him"
Wife : That's already taken care of
Husband : What do you mean;
Wife : "he said I could bake him a cake or have sex with him"
Husband :"I guess I need to go and have a word with him.By they way what kind of cake did you bake him?"
Wife: "Do I look like Betty Crocker to you ?"
Husband: "Do I look like the Maytag repair man to you?"
Wife: "Ok"
next day Wife:" My car is making a funny noise . Will you look at it ?"
Husband: "Do I look like Mr. Goodwrench ?"
Wife: "Ok"
couple weeks go by
Husband : Hey I will look at the washer machine now
Wife :"That's ok it's fixed "
Husband : "Ok I will look at your car now"
Wife : That's ok it's fixed also"
Husband: "Who fixed them?"
Wife : "the man down the street"
Husband : That was nice of him ,we should do something for him"
Wife : That's already taken care of
Husband : What do you mean;
Wife : "he said I could bake him a cake or have sex with him"
Husband :"I guess I need to go and have a word with him.By they way what kind of cake did you bake him?"
Wife: "Do I look like Betty Crocker to you ?"
dimer2
Moderator Emeritus
Old age....
Russ and Sam, two friends, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems.
One day Russ didn't show up. Sam didn't think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something. But after Russ hadn't shown up for a week or so, Sam really got worried.
However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park, Sam didn't know where Russ lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.
A month had passed, and Sam figured he had seen the last of Russ, but one day, Sam approached the park and-- lo and behold!--there sat Russ!
Sam was very excited and happy to see him and told him so. Then he said, 'For crying out loud Russ, what in the world happened to you?'
Russ replied, 'I have been in jail.'
'Jail!' cried Sam. What in the world for?'
'Well,' Russ said, 'you know Sue, that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where I sometimes go?'
'Yeah,' said Sam, 'I remember her. What about her?
'Well, the little gold-digging witch figured I was rich and she filed rape charges against me and, at 89 years old, I was so proud that when I got into court, I pleaded 'guilty'.
'The judge gave me 30 days for perjury.'
Russ and Sam, two friends, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems.
One day Russ didn't show up. Sam didn't think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something. But after Russ hadn't shown up for a week or so, Sam really got worried.
However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park, Sam didn't know where Russ lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.
A month had passed, and Sam figured he had seen the last of Russ, but one day, Sam approached the park and-- lo and behold!--there sat Russ!
Sam was very excited and happy to see him and told him so. Then he said, 'For crying out loud Russ, what in the world happened to you?'
Russ replied, 'I have been in jail.'
'Jail!' cried Sam. What in the world for?'
'Well,' Russ said, 'you know Sue, that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where I sometimes go?'
'Yeah,' said Sam, 'I remember her. What about her?
'Well, the little gold-digging witch figured I was rich and she filed rape charges against me and, at 89 years old, I was so proud that when I got into court, I pleaded 'guilty'.
'The judge gave me 30 days for perjury.'
O C Diver
Guru
- Joined
- Dec 16, 2010
- Messages
- 12,868
- Location
- USA
- Vessel Name
- Slow Hand
- Vessel Make
- Cherubini Independence 45
Subject: Sex At 68
I just took a leaflet out of my mailbox,
informing me that I can have sex at 68.
I'm so happy, because I live at number 72.
So it's not too far to walk home afterwards.
And it's the same side of the street.
I don't even have to cross the road!
~~~~~
Answering machine message,
"I am not available right now,
but thank you for caring enough to call.
I am making some changes in my life.
Please leave a message after the beep.
If I do not return your call,
you are one of the changes."
~~~~~
My wife and I had words,
but I didn't get to use mine.
~~~~~
Frustration is trying to find your glasses,
without your glasses.
........and old age is looking for them when you are wearing them!
~~~~~
The irony of life is that,
by the time you're old enough to know your way around,
you're not going anywhere.
~~~~~
Ted
I just took a leaflet out of my mailbox,
informing me that I can have sex at 68.
I'm so happy, because I live at number 72.
So it's not too far to walk home afterwards.
And it's the same side of the street.
I don't even have to cross the road!
~~~~~
Answering machine message,
"I am not available right now,
but thank you for caring enough to call.
I am making some changes in my life.
Please leave a message after the beep.
If I do not return your call,
you are one of the changes."
~~~~~
My wife and I had words,
but I didn't get to use mine.
~~~~~
Frustration is trying to find your glasses,
without your glasses.
........and old age is looking for them when you are wearing them!
~~~~~
The irony of life is that,
by the time you're old enough to know your way around,
you're not going anywhere.
~~~~~
Ted
O C Diver
Guru
- Joined
- Dec 16, 2010
- Messages
- 12,868
- Location
- USA
- Vessel Name
- Slow Hand
- Vessel Make
- Cherubini Independence 45
Paraprosdokians
Paraprosdokians (Winston Churchill loved them) are figures of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected; frequently humorous. Enjoy!
1. Where there's a will, I want to be in it.
2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.
3. Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.
5. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
6. War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
8. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
9. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
10. In filling out an application, where it says, 'In case of emergency, Notify:' I put 'DOCTOR'.
11. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
12. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
13. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.
14. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
15. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
16. You're never too old to learn something stupid.
17. I'm supposed to respect my elders, but it’s getting harder and harder for me to find one now.
Paraprosdokians (Winston Churchill loved them) are figures of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected; frequently humorous. Enjoy!
1. Where there's a will, I want to be in it.
2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.
3. Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.
5. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
6. War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
8. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
9. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
10. In filling out an application, where it says, 'In case of emergency, Notify:' I put 'DOCTOR'.
11. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
12. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
13. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.
14. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
15. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
16. You're never too old to learn something stupid.
17. I'm supposed to respect my elders, but it’s getting harder and harder for me to find one now.
windmist
Guru
The Old:
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day.
Teach a man to fish and he will eat for a lifetime.
2013 Updated Liberal Revision
Give a man a welfare check, a free cell phone with unlimited free minutes, free internet, cash for his clunker, food stamps, section 8 housing, free contraceptives, Medicaid, ninety-nine weeks of unemployment, free medicine, and he will vote Democrat the rest of his life--even after he's dead.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day.
Teach a man to fish and he will eat for a lifetime.
2013 Updated Liberal Revision
Give a man a welfare check, a free cell phone with unlimited free minutes, free internet, cash for his clunker, food stamps, section 8 housing, free contraceptives, Medicaid, ninety-nine weeks of unemployment, free medicine, and he will vote Democrat the rest of his life--even after he's dead.
O C Diver
Guru
- Joined
- Dec 16, 2010
- Messages
- 12,868
- Location
- USA
- Vessel Name
- Slow Hand
- Vessel Make
- Cherubini Independence 45
A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in Montana when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust.
The driver, a young man in a Brioni® suit, Gucci® shoes, RayBan® sunglasses and YSL® tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"
Bud looks at the man, who obviously is a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, why not?"
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell® notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3® cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.
The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop® and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany ...
Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot® that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL® database through an ODBC connected Excel® spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry® and, after a few minutes, receives a response.
Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet® printer, turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."
"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Bud.
He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.
Then Bud says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"
The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"
"You're a Congressman for the U.S. Government", says Bud.
"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"
"No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about how working people make a living - or about cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep.
Now give me back my dog.
AND THAT FOLKS IS WHAT THE PROBLEM IS ALL ABOUT!
Ted
The driver, a young man in a Brioni® suit, Gucci® shoes, RayBan® sunglasses and YSL® tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"
Bud looks at the man, who obviously is a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, why not?"
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell® notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3® cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.
The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop® and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany ...
Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot® that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL® database through an ODBC connected Excel® spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry® and, after a few minutes, receives a response.
Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet® printer, turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."
"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Bud.
He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.
Then Bud says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"
The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"
"You're a Congressman for the U.S. Government", says Bud.
"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"
"No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about how working people make a living - or about cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep.
Now give me back my dog.
AND THAT FOLKS IS WHAT THE PROBLEM IS ALL ABOUT!
Ted
Ace Hardware
There was a bit of confusion at Ace Hardware this morning.
When I was ready to pay for my purchases of shotgun shells and bullets the cashier
said, "Strip down, facing me."
Making a mental note to complain about the Federal gun registration people running
amok, I did just as she had instructed.
When the hysterical shrieking had finally subsided, I found out that she was
referring to how I was to insert my credit card into the machine.
I have been asked to shop elsewhere in the future.
They need to make their instructions to us seniors a little clearer!!
When I was ready to pay for my purchases of shotgun shells and bullets the cashier
said, "Strip down, facing me."
Making a mental note to complain about the Federal gun registration people running
amok, I did just as she had instructed.
When the hysterical shrieking had finally subsided, I found out that she was
referring to how I was to insert my credit card into the machine.
I have been asked to shop elsewhere in the future.
They need to make their instructions to us seniors a little clearer!!
Scotch with two drops of water
A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and
orders a Scotch with two drops of water.
As the bartender gives her the drink she says,
'I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday
and it's today.'
The bartender says, 'Well, since it's your
birthday, I'll buy you a drink.
In fact, this one is on me.'
As the woman finishes her drink, the woman
to her right says, 'I would like to buy you a
drink, too.'
The old woman says, 'Thank you.
Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of water.'
'Coming up,' says the bartender.
As she finishes that drink, the man to her
left says, 'I would like to buy you one, too.'
The old woman says, 'Thank you. Bartender,
I want another Scotch with two drops of water.'
'Coming right up,' the bartender says.
As he gives her the drink, he says, 'Ma'am,
I'm dying of curiosity.
Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?'
The old woman replies, 'Sonny, when you're
my age, you've learned how to hold your liquor.
Holding your water, however, is a whole other issue.'
A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and
orders a Scotch with two drops of water.
As the bartender gives her the drink she says,
'I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday
and it's today.'
The bartender says, 'Well, since it's your
birthday, I'll buy you a drink.
In fact, this one is on me.'
As the woman finishes her drink, the woman
to her right says, 'I would like to buy you a
drink, too.'
The old woman says, 'Thank you.
Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of water.'
'Coming up,' says the bartender.
As she finishes that drink, the man to her
left says, 'I would like to buy you one, too.'
The old woman says, 'Thank you. Bartender,
I want another Scotch with two drops of water.'
'Coming right up,' the bartender says.
As he gives her the drink, he says, 'Ma'am,
I'm dying of curiosity.
Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?'
The old woman replies, 'Sonny, when you're
my age, you've learned how to hold your liquor.
Holding your water, however, is a whole other issue.'
dimer2
Moderator Emeritus
Classmate
My name is alice , and i was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist. I noticed his dds diploma on the wall, which bore his full name suddenly, i remembered a tall, handsome, dark-haired boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 40-odd years ago.
Could he be the same guy that i had a secret crush on, way back then?
Upon seeing him, however, i quickly discarded any such thought.
This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was way too old to have been my classmate.
After he examined my teeth, i asked him if he had attended morgan park high school .
'yes. Yes, i did.. I'm a mustang,' he gleamed with pride.
'when did you graduate?' i asked.
He answered, 'in 1975. Why do you ask?'
'you were in my class!', i exclaimed.
He looked at me closely.
Then, that ugly,
old,
bald,
wrinkled faced,
fat-assed,
gray-haired,
decrepit ,
son-of-a-bitch
asked,
'what did you teach???
My name is alice , and i was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist. I noticed his dds diploma on the wall, which bore his full name suddenly, i remembered a tall, handsome, dark-haired boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 40-odd years ago.
Could he be the same guy that i had a secret crush on, way back then?
Upon seeing him, however, i quickly discarded any such thought.
This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was way too old to have been my classmate.
After he examined my teeth, i asked him if he had attended morgan park high school .
'yes. Yes, i did.. I'm a mustang,' he gleamed with pride.
'when did you graduate?' i asked.
He answered, 'in 1975. Why do you ask?'
'you were in my class!', i exclaimed.
He looked at me closely.
Then, that ugly,
old,
bald,
wrinkled faced,
fat-assed,
gray-haired,
decrepit ,
son-of-a-bitch
asked,
'what did you teach???
Al
Guru
- Joined
- Apr 1, 2012
- Messages
- 2,206
- Location
- usa
- Vessel Name
- 'SLO'~BELLE
- Vessel Make
- 1978 Marben-27' Flybridge Trawler(extended to 30 feet) Pilothouse Pocket Cruiser[
The latest bunch of humor is quality no doubt. So I will attempt to keep pace:
In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Louisiana State University .
On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee, inspected the elephants foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.
The elephant turned to face the man and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned and walked away. Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.
Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Peter and his son Cameron were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.
Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter could not help wondering if this was the same elephant. Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peter legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.
Probably wasn't the same elephant.
Al-Ketchikan,(Bridge to nowhere) Alaska
In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Louisiana State University .
On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee, inspected the elephants foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.
The elephant turned to face the man and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned and walked away. Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.
Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Peter and his son Cameron were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.
Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter could not help wondering if this was the same elephant. Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peter legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.
Probably wasn't the same elephant.
Al-Ketchikan,(Bridge to nowhere) Alaska
I suffered a deep, personal tragedy the other day...
I was at the Deli checkout counter, bantering with this cute young girl, when she said that I reminded her of her Grandfather.
And she meant it as a COMPLIMENT!
But, she gave me a free slice of pizza, so I let her live.
Age does teach you to be practical afterall...
I was at the Deli checkout counter, bantering with this cute young girl, when she said that I reminded her of her Grandfather.
And she meant it as a COMPLIMENT!
But, she gave me a free slice of pizza, so I let her live.
Age does teach you to be practical afterall...
windmist
Guru
I have a little GPS
I've had it all my life
It's better than the normal ones
My GPS is my wife
It gives me full instructions
Especially how to drive
"It's thirty miles an hour", it says
"You're doing thirty five"
It tells me when to stop and start
And when to use the brake
And tells me that it's never ever
Safe to overtake
It tells me when a light is red
And when it goes to green
It seems to know instinctively
Just when to intervene
It lists the vehicles just in front
And all those to the rear
And taking this into account
It specifies my gear.
I'm sure no other driver
Has so helpful a device
For when we leave and lock the car
It still gives its advice
It fills me up with counseling
Each journey's pretty fraught
So why don't I exchange it
And get a quieter sort?
Ah well, you see, it cleans the house,
Makes sure I'm properly fed,
It washes all my shirts and things
And - keeps me warm in bed!
Despite all these advantages
And my tendency to scoff,
I do wish that once in a while
I could turn the damned thing off.
I've had it all my life
It's better than the normal ones
My GPS is my wife
It gives me full instructions
Especially how to drive
"It's thirty miles an hour", it says
"You're doing thirty five"
It tells me when to stop and start
And when to use the brake
And tells me that it's never ever
Safe to overtake
It tells me when a light is red
And when it goes to green
It seems to know instinctively
Just when to intervene
It lists the vehicles just in front
And all those to the rear
And taking this into account
It specifies my gear.
I'm sure no other driver
Has so helpful a device
For when we leave and lock the car
It still gives its advice
It fills me up with counseling
Each journey's pretty fraught
So why don't I exchange it
And get a quieter sort?
Ah well, you see, it cleans the house,
Makes sure I'm properly fed,
It washes all my shirts and things
And - keeps me warm in bed!
Despite all these advantages
And my tendency to scoff,
I do wish that once in a while
I could turn the damned thing off.
