Humor

The best marketing money can buy.

Yup, male switches are quite simple. Female switches on the other hand tend to be a bit more complex.

THINGS YOU DON'T WANT TO HEAR DURING SURGERY...
-What's this doing here?
-Okay, now take a picture from this angle. This is truly a freak of nature.
-I didn't hear anything in med school about small, hissing reptilian creatures crawling through the patient's stomach.
-Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.
-Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?
-Hand me that... uh... that uh... thingie.
-Oh no! I just lost my Rolex.
-Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?
-Damn, there go the lights again...
-Ya know, there's big money in kidneys. Hell, the guy's got two of 'em.
-Could you stop that thing from beating? It's throwing my concentration off.
-The left vein's connected to the... right aorta... the left brain's connected to the... stomach bone...
-At least he doesn't have brain damage... wait... now he does
-Has anyone here used one of these before?
-Hey Beavis...heh heh...check it out...BOING OING OING!!!!
-I'm gonna need one of you guys to start whispering in her ear. Tell her to "Move away from the light".
-Look on the bright side, at least his wife won't have to worry about getting pregnant...
-This is the part where I always get stuck.
-Thank god for malpractice insurance!
-Someone call the janitor and tell him to bring a mop.
-Wait a minute. If this is his spleen, what's that?
-Stand back! I lost a contact.
-Could you stop that thing from beeping? It's throwing off my concentration!
-That's cool! Now can you make his leg twitch?!
-I should have brought my glasses.
-Well, folks, this will be an experiment for all of us.
-Sterile, shcmeril. The floor's pretty clean, right?
-Anyone see where I left that scalpel?
-Nurse, did this patient sign the organ donation card?
-Don't worry. I think it's sharp enough.
-She's gonna blow! Everyone take cover!
-Rats! Page 47 of the manual is missing!
-FIRE! FIRE! Everybody out!
-Max! MAX! Come back with that! Bad Dog!
-Oh, no! Anybody seen my Rolex?
-I hate it when there's stuff missing.
-What do you mean he wasn't in for a sex change?!
-And now, I'll remove the subject's brain and place it in the body of the ape.
-This patient has already had kids, right?
-What do you mean you want a divorce?!
-Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness!
-Oops.
-Let me ask your opinion, nurse...
-I thought we started with four clamps?
-Has anyone ever seen one of these?
-What do you mean, it's upside down?
-Oh, man! I think I'm gonna be sick.
-This is what happens when cousins marry.
-You think we can sew it back on?
-Put on Dr Kevorkian's new CD.
-Is that supposed to be yellow?
-I learned that when I studied to be a vet.
-Not bad for someone who failed med school huh?
-What does the AMA know? I still think I can do it.
-Whoa. Maybe I shouldn't have gotten so drunk last night.
-Does Tab A go into Slot C or Slot F?
-They never let us practice on real people in med school.
-That proves aliens have taken over our bodies.
-He looks like my ex-wife's attorney. The one who got her the house, the car, the money... he even got her!
-Don't worry, he'll never know. He's out!
-Okay, make a wish and pull.
-So that's what a girl looks like!
-Back in a minute. Gotta put more money in the meter.
-What he doesn't know won't hurt us.
-Uh, ya want fries with that?
-Who ordered the pepperoni?
-Tilt that TV this way. I can't see the game.
-The voices in my head keep telling me not to do this.
-I think my Alzheimer's is getting... uh...
-Oh, yeah? If you think you're so good, you do it!
-CLEAR!!


--
A compromise is the art of dividing a cake in such a way that everyone believes that he has got the biggest piece.
- Paul Gauguin, 1848 - 1904

An older couple was lying in bed one night. The husband was falling asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk.
She said: "You used to hold my hand when we were courting.." Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep.
A few moments later shesaid: "Then you used to kiss me.."
Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.
Thirty seconds later she said: "Then you used to bite my Neck..."
Angrily, he threw back the bedclothes and got out of bed.
"Where are you going?" she asked..
"To get my teeth!"

...

What's more painful?

Which is more painful a woman having a baby or a man getting kicked in the nuts?


Did you ever hear a man say that he would like to get kicked in the nuts again?

For all the true salts. LITTLE KNOWN TIDBIT OF NAVAL HISTORY The U.S.S. Constitution (Old Ironsides), as a combat vessel, carried 48,600 gallons of fresh water for her crew of 475 officers and men. This was sufficient to last six months of sustained operations at sea. She carried no evaporators (i.e. fresh water distillers). However, let it be noted that according to her ship's log, "On July 27, 1798, the U.S.S. Constitution sailed from Boston with a full complement of 475 officers and men, 48,600 gallons of fresh water, 7,400 cannon shot, 11,600 pounds of black powder and 79,400 gallons of rum." Her mission: "To destroy and harass English shipping." Making Jamaica on 6 October, she took on 826 pounds of flour and 68,300 gallons of rum. Then she headed for the Azores , arriving there 12 November. She provisioned with 550 pounds of beef and64,300 gallons of Portuguese wine. On 18 November, she set sail for England . In the ensuing days she defeated five British men-of-war and captured and scuttled 12 English merchant ships, salvaging only the rum aboard each. By 26 January, her powder and shot were exhausted. Nevertheless, although unarmed she made a night raid up the Firth of Clyde in Scotland . Her landing party captured a whiskey distillery and transferred 40,000 gallons of single malt Scotch aboard by dawn. Then she headed home. The U. S. S. Constitution arrived in Boston on 20 February 1799, with no cannon shot, no food, no powder, no rum,no wine, no whiskey, and 38,600 gallons of water . GO NAVY!

River Cruiser said:

"On July 27, 1798, the U.S.S. Constitution sailed from Boston with a full complement of 475 officers and men, 48,600 gallons of fresh water, 7,400 cannon shot, 11,600 pounds of black powder and 79,400 gallons of rum." Her mission: "To destroy and harass English shipping."

Click to expand...

I think that she might have been sailing a little late in the day to participate in the Revolutionary War and way too early for the War of 1812. Maybe all that rum had something to do with it.

Deodorant

I got a new stick deodorant today.
The instructions said: “Remove cap and push up bottom.”I can barely walk, but whenever I fart, the room smells lovely.

High Urinals

A group of 3rd, 4th, and 5th graders, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to the local racetrack, (Churchill Downs ) to learn about thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry (Bourbon), but mostly to see the horses.

When it was time to take the children to the bathroom, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other. The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the mens room when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal.

Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began hoisting the little boys up one by one, holding on to their 'wee-wees' to direct the flow away from their clothes.

As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring the teacher said, 'You must be in the 5th grade.'

'No, ma'am', he replied. 'I'm riding Silver Arrow in the seventh race, but I appreciate your help.'

As a guitarist, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so ...the service was to be at a pauper’s cemetery in the back country. As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost.

I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.

I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn’t know what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I’ve never played before for this homeless man.

And as I played ‘Amazing Grace,’ the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my guitar and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, “I never seen nothin’ like that before and I’ve been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.”

Apparently, I’m still lost…

True story.

A family that had buried a son in another town 40 or so years ago wanted to have him interred in their now family plot. So thay got the permit to exhume the body and rebury it. They asked my backhoe man that was a friend if he would dig the grave. So, he hauled the backhoe over that morning, and stayed to cover the new grave. They were having a ceremony with the family minister and a violin player among others waiting for the dignified re-interment. Well, at the appointed hour no casket. They waited a couple of hours with people standing around on cell phones trying to find out what was happening.

Then down at the foot of the hill starting up the cemetary road was one of those trucks that hauls burial vaults. They have a gantry crane on them, and are similar to a septic tank truck. They came up the hill lickety-split, and started backing to the grave. One of the guys got out of the truck to give directions lining up with the grave. The truck kept coming back, and stopped suddenly. The muddy vault slid off and into the grave partially. It was at an angle with one corner on the bottom. One of the guys got out with a clip board and said please sign her. They drove off.

The preacher said a few words and a prayer, and everyone started leaving. My backhoe man slid a chain around the vault, and pulled it back toward the end. It fell with a big whoomp. He was afraid to pull the chain out, so we lost a chain as he covered the grave.

So much for a dignified ceremony.

Nothing but home movies, but my dog is funny. IMHO anyway.

Subject: Woman Stops Grizzly Attack

Woman Stops Grizzly Attack With 25 Caliber Pistol !

This is a story of self-control and marksmanship with an "itsy bitsy shooter" by a woman facing a fierce predator. What is the smallest caliber you trust to protect yourself?

The 25 cal. Beretta Jetfire:

Here's her story:
While out hiking in Alberta Canada with my husband we were surprised by a huge grizzly bear charging at us from out of nowhere. She must have been protecting her cubs because she was extremely aggressive.
If I had not had my little Beretta Jetfire with me I would not be here today!
Just one shot to my husband's knee cap was all it took.
The bear got him and I was able to escape by just walking away at a brisk pace.

It's one of the best pistols in my collection.













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The difference between a good Catholic and a good Baptist is the Catholics recognize each other in the liquor store.

An elderly man was stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and was asked


where he was going at that time of night.



<image001.jpg>




The man replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the


human body, as well as smoking and staying out late." The officer then asked, "Really?


Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?" The man replied, "That would be my wife."

FF said:

Subject: Woman Stops Grizzly Attack

Woman Stops Grizzly Attack With 25 Caliber Pistol !

This is a story of self-control and marksmanship with an "itsy bitsy shooter" by a woman facing a fierce predator. What is the smallest caliber you trust to protect yourself?

The 25 cal. Beretta Jetfire:

Here's her story:
While out hiking in Alberta Canada with my husband we were surprised by a huge grizzly bear charging at us from out of nowhere. She must have been protecting her cubs because she was extremely aggressive.
If I had not had my little Beretta Jetfire with me I would not be here today!
Just one shot to my husband's knee cap was all it took.
The bear got him and I was able to escape by just walking away at a brisk pace.

It's one of the best pistols in my collection.

Click to expand...

BWAHAHAHA Love it.

Sent from my iPhone using Trawler

Rambler said:

An elderly man was stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and was asked

where he was going at that time of night.

<image001.jpg>

The man replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the

human body, as well as smoking and staying out late." The officer then asked, "Really?

Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?" The man replied, "That would be my wife."

Click to expand...

LOLOL

Sent from my iPhone using Trawler

Old Man And The Beaver

An 86-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up...

The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the 86-year-old said, "Things are
great and I've never felt better. I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant
with my child. So what do you think about that Doc?"

The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began to tell a story.
"I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a
season.

One day he was setting off to go hunting. In a bit of a hurry, he accidentally
picked up his walking cane instead of his gun. As he neared a lake, he came
across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's edge.

He realized he'd left his gun at home and so he couldn't shoot the magnificent
creature. Out of habit he raised his cane , aimed it at the animal as if it were his
favorite hunting rifle and went 'bang, bang'.

"Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. Now, what do
you think of that?" asked the doctor.

The 86-year-old said, "Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else pumped a
couple of rounds into that beaver."

The doctor replied, "My point exactly."

Morris returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the
doctor has told him that he has only 24 hours to live.

Given the prognosis, Morris asks his wife for sex.

Naturally, she agrees, so they make love.

About 6 hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says,

'Honey, you know I now have only 18 hours to live.

Could we please do it one more time?'

Of course, the wife agrees, and they do it again.
Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch
and realizes that he now has only 8 hours left.

He touches his wife's shoulder and asks,
'Honey, please... just one more time before I die.'

She says, 'Of course, Dear,' and they make love for the third time.

After this session, the wife rolls over and falls asleep.

Morris, however, worried about his impending death,tosses and turns, until he's down to 4 more hours.

He taps his wife, who rouses.
'Honey, I have only 4 more hours.

Do you think we could...'





At this point the wife sits up and says, 'Listen Morris, enough is enoughI have to get up in the morning... you don't.'

Morris returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the
doctor has told him that he has only 24 hours to live.

Given the prognosis, Morris asks his wife for sex.

Naturally, she agrees, so they make love.

About 6 hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says,

'Honey, you know I now have only 18 hours to live.

Could we please do it one more time?'

Of course, the wife agrees, and they do it again.
Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch
and realizes that he now has only 8 hours left.

He touches his wife's shoulder and asks,
'Honey, please... just one more time before I die.'

She says, 'Of course, Dear,' and they make love for the third time.

After this session, the wife rolls over and falls asleep.

Morris, however, worried about his impending death,tosses and turns, until he's down to 4 more hours.

He taps his wife, who rouses.
'Honey, I have only 4 more hours.

Do you think we could...'








At this point the wife sits up and says, 'Listen Morris, enough is enoughI have to get up in the morning... you don't.'

Yesterday my daughter again asked why I didn't do something useful with my time.



Talking about my "doing something useful" seemed to be her favorite topic of conversation.



She was "only thinking of me" and suggested I go down to the senior center and hang out with the guys.



I did this and when I got home last night I decided to teach her a lesson about staying out of my business. I told her that I had joined a parachute club.



She said, "Are you nuts? You're almost 72 years old and you're going to start jumping out of airplanes?"



I proudly showed her that I even got a membership card.



She said to me, "Good grief, where are your glasses! This is a membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club."



"I'm in trouble again, and I don't know what to do... I signed up for five jumps a week." I told her.



She fainted.



Life as a senior citizen is not getting any easier but sometimes it can be fun.

SFO Accident Asiana Pilots Identified

TV Station Makes Error, Reads 4 Wrong Names Of Asiana Crash Pilots 'Sum Ting Wong' And 'Ho Lee Fuk' - YouTube

That is priceless! I guess it doesn't take much to be a newsreader these days.

She really is Sum Dim Chic

I love the bit in her apology later where she states that the NTSB confirmed the names ...

I bet someone back in DC had to work really hard not to bust a gut when she asked him to confirm them. Someone there is still rolling on the floor.

Korean names are a natural for that sort of thing though ... we used to use a gangway guard in Busan who was called Bak Soon Ohkai.

Woman:
Do you drink beer?





Man: Yes

Woman:
How many beers a day?

Man:
Usually about 3

Woman:
How much do you pay per beer?

Man: $5.00 which includes a tip

(This is where it gets scary !)

Woman:
And how long have you been drinking?

Man:
About 20 years, I suppose

Woman:
So a beer costs $5 and you have 3 beers a day which puts your spending each month at $450. In one year, it would be approximately $5,400 …correct?

Man:
Correct

Woman:
If in 1 year you spend $5,400, not accounting for inflation, the past
20 years puts your spending at $108,000, correct?

Man:
Correct

Woman:
Do you know that if you didn’t drink so much beer, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari?

Man:
Do you drink beer ?

Woman:
No

Man:
Where’s your Ferrari?