Humor

Food for thought from the military:


"If the enemy is in range, so are you." - Infantry Journal

"It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed." - U.S. Air Force Manual

"Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never encountered automatic weapons." - General MacArthur

"You, you, and you ... Panic. The rest of you, come with me." - U.S. Marine Corp Gunnery Sgt.

"Tracers work both ways." - U.S. Army Ordnance

"Five second fuses only last three seconds." - Infantry Journal

"Any ship can be a minesweeper. Once."

"Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do." - Unknown Marine Recruit

"If you see a bomb technician running, follow him." - USAF Ammo Troop

"Though I Fly Through the Valley of Death, I Shall Fear No Evil. For I am at 80,000 Feet and Climbing."

"You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3." - Paul F. Crickmore (test pilot)

"The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire."

"If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage, it's probably a helicopter -- and therefore, unsafe."

"When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash."

"Even with ammunition, the USAF is just another expensive flying club."

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido, has cheated him out of $10,000,000.00. His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that Guido would hear nothing so he would not have to testify in court.

When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about his missing $10 million, he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language. The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the money is!"
The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, "Where's the money?"
Guido signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about."
The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he don't know what you're talking about."
The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido's head and says, "Ask him again or I'll kill him!"
The lawyer signs to Guido, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him."
Guido trembles and signs, "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno's house."
The Godfather asks the lawyer, what did he say?" The lawyer replies, "He says you don't have the guts to pull the trigger."
Don't you just love lawyers?

Q: What can a man do while his wife is going through menopause?

A: Keep busy. If handy with tools, you can finish the boat. When done, you have a place to live.

You know you live in a Country
run by idiots if...

You can get arrested for expired tags
on your car but not for being in
the country illegally.
====================================
You know you live in a Country
run by idiots if...

You have to have your parents signature
to go on a school field trip but not to
get an abortion.
====================================
You know you live in a Country
run by idiots if...

An 80 year old woman can be stripped searched by the TSA but a Muslim woman in a burka is only subject to having her neck and head searched.
====================================
You know you live in a Country
run by idiots if...
Your government believes that the best way to eradicate trillions of dollars of debt is to spend trillions more of our money.
====================================
You know you live in a Country
run by idiots if...
A seven year old boy can be thrown out of school for calling his teacher "cute” but hosting a sexual exploration/sexual diversity class in grade school is perfectly acceptable.
====================================
You know you live in a Country
run by idiots if...
The Supreme Court of the United States can rule that lower courts cannot display the 10 Commandments in their courtroom,
while sitting in front of a display of the 10 Commandments.
====================================
You know you live in a Country
run by idiots if...
Children are forcibly removed from parents who appropriately discipline them while children of "underprivileged" drug
addicts are left to rot in filth infested cesspools of a “home”.
====================================
You know you live in a Country
run by idiots if...
Hard work and success are rewarded with higher taxes and government intrusion, while slothful, lazy behavior is rewarded with EBT cards, WIC checks, Medicaid, subsidized housing, and free cell phones.
====================================
You know you live in a Country
run by idiots if...
The government's plan for getting people back to work is to provide 99 weeks of unemployment checks (to not work).
====================================
You know you live in a Country
run by idiots if...
Being self-sufficient is considered a threat to the government.
====================================
You know you live in a Country
run by idiots if...

Politicians think that stripping away the amendments to the constitution is protecting the rights of the people.
====================================
You know you live in a Country
run by idiots if...

The rights of the Government come before the rights of the individual.
====================================
You know you live in a Country
run by idiots if...
You pay your mortgage, and deny yourself the newest big screen TV or latest gadgets. Your neighbor defaults on his mortgage while buying iPhones, TV's and new cars, and the government forgives his debt and reduces his mortgage with your tax dollars.
====================================
You know you live in a Country
run by idiots if...
Being stripped of the ability to defend yourself makes you "safe".
====================================

That's not humor because the truth hurts.

[FONT=&quot]God went to the Arabs and said, 'I have Commandments for you that will make
your lives better.'

The Arabs asked, 'What are Commandments?' And the Lord said, 'They are rules
for living.'

'Can you give us an example?'

'Thou shall not kill.'

'Not kill? We're not interested. '

So He went to the Blacks and said, 'I have Commandments.'

The Blacks wanted an example, and the Lord said, 'Honor thy Father and
Mother.'

'Father? We don't know who our fathers are. We're not interested.'

Then He went to the Mexicans and said, 'I have Commandments.'

The Mexicans also wanted an example, and the Lord said 'Thou shall not
steal.'

'Not steal? We're not interested.'

Then He went to the French and said, 'I have Commandments.'

The French too wanted an example and the Lord said, 'Thou shall not commit
adultery.'

'Sacre bleu!!! Not commit adultery? We're not interested.'

Finally, He went to the Jews and said, 'I have Commandments..'

'Commandments?' They said, 'How much are they?'

'They're free.'

'We'll take 10.'

There…that should piss off just about everybody! [/FONT]

What deep thinkers men are...

I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold
beer.

The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep
thinking on various topics.

Finally I thought about an age old question:

Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts?
Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy
getting kicked in the nuts.

Well, after another beer, and some heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with the answer to that question.

Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby; and here
is the reason for my conclusion.

A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be
nice to have another child."

On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would
like another kick in the nuts."

I rest my case. Time for another beer.

and wife in southern Winnipeg were listening to the radio during breakfast. They heard the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through." So the good wife went out and moved her car. A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through." The good wife went out and moved her car again. The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park.." Then the electric power went out. The good wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said, "Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowplows can get through?" With the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married exhibit, the husband replied, "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?

Gone fishin'

Flying Silver Carp on Wabash River in Indiana - YouTube

Dogs, music, and beer...

One for our Aussie members

A Blonde was sent on her way to Heaven. Upon arrival, a concerned St Peter met her at the Pearly Gates.
"I'm sorry," St Peter said; "But Heaven is suffering from an overload of goodly souls and we have been forced to put up an Entrance Exam for new arrivals to ease the burden of Heavenly Arrivals."
"That's cool" said the blonde, "What does the Entrance Exam consist of?"

"Just three questions" said St Peter.

"Which are?' asked the blonde.

"The first," said St Peter, "is, which two days of the week start with the letter 'T' "?
The second is "How many seconds are there in a year?"
The third is "What was the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?"
"Now," said St Peter, "Go away and think about those questions and when I call upon you, I shall expect you to have those answers for me."

So the blonde went away and gave those three questions some considerable thought (I expect you to do the same).
The following morning, St Peter called upon the blonde and asked if she had considered the questions, to which she replied, "I have."

"Well then," said St Peter, "Which two days of the week start with the letter T?"

The blonde said, "Today and Tomorrow."

St Peter pondered this answer for some time, and decided that indeed the answer can be applied to the question.

"Well then, could I have your answer to the second of the three questions?"St Peter went on, "how many seconds in a year?"

The Blonde replied, "Twelve!"

"Only twelve?" exclaimed St Peter, "How did you arrive at that figure?"

"Easy," said the blonde, "there's the second of January, the second of February, right through to the second of December, giving a total of twelve seconds."

St Peter looked at the blonde and said, "I need some time to consider your answer before I can give you a decision." And he walked away shaking his head.

A short time later, St Peter returned to the Blonde. "I'll allow the answer to stand, but you need to get the third and final question absolutely correct to be allowed into Heaven. Now, can you tell me the answer to the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?"

The blonde replied: "Of the three questions, I found this the easiest to answer."

"Really!" exclaimed St Peter, "And what is the answer?"

"It's Andy."

"Andy??"

"Yes, Andy," said the blonde.

This totally floored St Peter, and he paced this way and that, deliberating the answer. Finally, he could not stand the suspense any longer, and turning to the blonde, asked "How in God's name did you arrive at THAT answer?"

"Easy" said the blonde, "Andy sat, Andy watched, Andy waited til his billy boiled."

And the blonde entered Heaven...

robbie said:

One for our Aussie members

A Blonde was sent on her way to Heaven. Upon arrival, a concerned St Peter met her at the Pearly Gates.
"I'm sorry," St Peter said; "But Heaven is suffering from an overload of goodly souls and we have been forced to put up an Entrance Exam for new arrivals to ease the burden of Heavenly Arrivals."
"That's cool" said the blonde, "What does the Entrance Exam consist of?"

"Just three questions" said St Peter.

"Which are?' asked the blonde.

"The first," said St Peter, "is, which two days of the week start with the letter 'T' "?
The second is "How many seconds are there in a year?"
The third is "What was the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?"
"Now," said St Peter, "Go away and think about those questions and when I call upon you, I shall expect you to have those answers for me."

So the blonde went away and gave those three questions some considerable thought (I expect you to do the same).
The following morning, St Peter called upon the blonde and asked if she had considered the questions, to which she replied, "I have."

"Well then," said St Peter, "Which two days of the week start with the letter T?"

The blonde said, "Today and Tomorrow."

St Peter pondered this answer for some time, and decided that indeed the answer can be applied to the question.

"Well then, could I have your answer to the second of the three questions?"St Peter went on, "how many seconds in a year?"

The Blonde replied, "Twelve!"

"Only twelve?" exclaimed St Peter, "How did you arrive at that figure?"

"Easy," said the blonde, "there's the second of January, the second of February, right through to the second of December, giving a total of twelve seconds."

St Peter looked at the blonde and said, "I need some time to consider your answer before I can give you a decision." And he walked away shaking his head.

A short time later, St Peter returned to the Blonde. "I'll allow the answer to stand, but you need to get the third and final question absolutely correct to be allowed into Heaven. Now, can you tell me the answer to the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?"

The blonde replied: "Of the three questions, I found this the easiest to answer."

"Really!" exclaimed St Peter, "And what is the answer?"

"It's Andy."

"Andy??"

"Yes, Andy," said the blonde.

This totally floored St Peter, and he paced this way and that, deliberating the answer. Finally, he could not stand the suspense any longer, and turning to the blonde, asked "How in God's name did you arrive at THAT answer?"

"Easy" said the blonde, "Andy sat, Andy watched, Andy waited til his billy boiled."

And the blonde entered Heaven...

Click to expand...

Lol very clever! I'll send this off to my mates. They'll think its funny as!

)

OK Alemao here's one for you:

A blond and a red head were discussing their sex lives,

The red said,"I've slept with a Brazilian",

The blond replied: "you whore you....long pause...how many's a Brazilian???"

No offense, just a joke:

A priest, a minister and a rabbi were discussing how to give money to God.
The priest said: I draw a circle on the floor and play money up, which fall within the circle is God, the rest is mine.
The Pastor said, I draw a circle on the floor and play money up, which fall outside the circle is God, the rest is mine.
The Rabbi said, I draw the circle on the floor and play money up, what God wants, he gets.

Again, no offense:

in a doctor's office, four people talking:
- The first man said: I'm an architect because I like to design and build homes
- The second said, I am a doctor because I like to help and heal people
- The next woman: Lesbian because I like seeing hot women touching their breasts and legs.
- The fourth man said: I thought I was a lawyer, but I just find I'm Lesbian

A Mom visits her son for dinner who lives with a girl roommate.
During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty his roommate was.She had long been suspicious of a
relationship between the two, and this had only made her more curious....

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between him and
his roommate than met the eye.
Reading his mom's thoughts, his son volunteered,
“I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you,we are just
roommates."

About a week later, his roommate came to him saying,
“Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver plate. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"

He said ,"Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just
to be sure." He sat down and wrote :

Dear Mother:
I'm not saying that you ‘did' take the silver plate from my house, I'm not saying that you ‘did not' take the silver plate But the fact
remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.

Love,
your son.

Several days later, he received an email from
his Mother which read:

Dear Son:
I'm not saying that you ‘do' sleep with your roommate, and
I'm not saying that you ‘do not' sleep with her.
But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she
would have found the silver plate by now because I placed it under the sheets.
Love,
Mom.

You probably know three people having sex is called a threesome, right? I'll bet you even know two people having sex is sometimes called a twosome. Ohhhh...so that's why they call you handsome!

Here's a riddle of y'all.....

If you find yourself in bed, naked, with two other people, one of whom is a beautiful blonde woman who also is naked, and the third is a gay man who also is naked.

Which one would you turn your back on?

robbie said:

ok alemao here's one for you:

A blond and a red head were discussing their sex lives,

the red said,"i've slept with a brazilian",

the blond replied: "you whore you....long pause...how many's a brazilian???"

Click to expand...

bwahahahah

Ocean Breeze NL said:

A Mom visits her son for dinner who lives with a girl roommate.
During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty his roommate was.She had long been suspicious of a
relationship between the two, and this had only made her more curious....

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between him and
his roommate than met the eye.
Reading his mom's thoughts, his son volunteered,
“I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you,we are just
roommates."

About a week later, his roommate came to him saying,
“Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver plate. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"

He said ,"Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just
to be sure." He sat down and wrote :

Dear Mother:
I'm not saying that you ‘did' take the silver plate from my house, I'm not saying that you ‘did not' take the silver plate But the fact
remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.

Love,
your son.

Several days later, he received an email from
his Mother which read:

Dear Son:
I'm not saying that you ‘do' sleep with your roommate, and
I'm not saying that you ‘do not' sleep with her.
But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she
would have found the silver plate by now because I placed it under the sheets.
Love,
Mom.

Click to expand...

I saw this joke on Facebook the other day. Pretty funny isn't it

GFC said:

Here's a riddle of y'all.....

If you find yourself in bed, naked, with two other people, one of whom is a beautiful blonde woman who also is naked, and the third is a gay man who also is naked.

Which one would you turn your back on?

Click to expand...

Hahahaha isn't only gay if you give? not receive? Hahahahahahahahahahahaha

[FONT=trebuchet ms,sans-serif]
[/FONT]



[FONT=trebuchet ms,sans-serif]Here is the one word in the English language that can be a noun, verb, adj, adv, prep.


The word is UP.


This two-letter word in English has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that word is 'UP.' It is listed in the dictionary as an [adv], [prep], [adj], [n] or [v].


It's easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP?


At a meeting, why does a topic come UP? Why do we speak UP, and why are the officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report? We call UP our friends, brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver, warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen. We lock UP the house and fix UP the old car.


At other times, this little word has real special meaning.


People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses.


To be dressed is one thing but to be dressed UP is special.


And this UP is confusing: A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP
We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night. We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP!


To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP, look UP the word UP in the dictionary. In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4 of the page and can add UP to about thirty definitions.


If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used. It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP, you may wind UP with a hundred or more.


When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP. When the sun comes out, we say it is clearing UP. When it rains, it soaks UP the earth. When it does not rain for a while, things dry UP. One could go on and on, but I'll wrap it UP, for now... my time is UP!


Don't screw UP. Send this on to everyone you look UP in your address book... or not... it's UP to you.


Now I'll shut UP!
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