Unorganized thoughts from a midlife crisis

[calngone]

Fox News
Donna Brazile: I found “proof” the DNC rigged the nomination for Hilary Clinton.

Fox News
Country music’s top publicist accused of propositioning intern for sex, showing employees porn.

National Geographic
Egypt’ Great Pyramid of Giza contains a mysterious, hidden void. Scientist are unsure what purpose it served.

CNN
Trump’s pick to serve as the Agriculture Department’s top scientist is imperiled over connections to the Russia probe, sources say.

CNN
Houston Astros clinch their first World Series in franchise history with a 5 – 1 victory over Dodgers.

The Wall Street Journal
Why couples should see a financial advisor before getting married.

All day long the news alerts come through, but to be honest I don’t give a **** less about any of it. Well except one.

The kids have volleyball practice until 4, then the youngest has hitting lessons at 4:30 and the oldest has softball practice from 5:00 to 7:00. Oh and she has a science project due tomorrow. I will be late getting home today because I have a closing at 5:30. No problem I can get them there.

What’s the plans for the weekend the trout are moving into the bay and I plan on going fishing. Well the kids have a softball tournament this weekend. Ok, I’ll just wait to go fishing, again.

Crap I’m late for a meeting about a meeting about a meeting that is scheduled for three weeks for today. Ok Love You talk to you later.

This was a conversation with my wife about 15 minutes ago. It seems life get crazier and crazier by the day. Don’t get me wrong I love my wife and kids and we have made a great life for ourselves but something has to give.

Between the 2 of us we make enough money to purchase what we want when we want it. We live in a 5,000 s/f house. Have a 2,200 s/f shop packed with 2 boats, ATV’s, and RV that has not moved since I put it in there 4 years ago because we don’t have time to use it. This is what life was supposed to be, right? Hell we are live the American Dream, aren’t we?

That is what I thought until a few months ago. My wife and I had not taking a vacation alone since she was pregnant for our youngest daughter which was 10 years ago. We finally found a week that we could sneak away. We went to the Bahaman Outer Islands and had the time of our lives. The day included putting down a couple cases of Kalik, hanging out in bars, island hopping on a rental boat, and laying on sand spits and not seeing another person all day. We were in heaven. While we were there we met several American who had once been just like us. Working long hours to support their “needs”. Trying to be the perfect parents with the perfect kids who were involved in any and every extracurricular activity available in their community. At one time in life they were us, fed up with all of the BS of living the “American Dream”. They saved every penny they could. It was easy they already had everything they needed. They saved for 3 years sold their businesses, and liquidated all assets and left. WTF they have balls. We could never do that!??! Why can’t we? Because we are responsible adults, we need stability in life, we have kids, we have businesses to run, we have family, we have people who depend on us, our kids have their friends, we have ours, we have a house, investment properties, cars, boats, dogs, a cat, a camp on the river and one in the woods, we pay taxes, and because of all that we have a minimum of a 5th of Titos Vodka a night habit. We have a 401K and a 5, 10, 15, 20, 25, and 30 year plan and that does not include quitting our jobs, selling everything we have and moving to the Bahamas. But should it? Can it? Hell no we are responsible adults! WE ARE LIVING THE AMERICAN DREAM!

“I’m sick of the rat race. I can’t take one more day. My life is too short to live it this way. I’m dialing the office put the boss man on. I’m not calling in sick. I’m calling in gone”
The Boat Drunks

 

[Deckape]

Thanks for sharing. We all go through this type of melt down. Sell what you don't use,time for ,and invest in family and good times. Simple is sometimes better than ". I've got it all. "

 

[CaptTom]

Nobody ever lay on their death bed saying "I wish I'd spent more time at the office."

I've met ex-pats on various Caribbean islands who had closed the shop, sold the house and now run catamaran day cruises serving rum punch to tourists, or guide dive tours, or whatever. I even met a former accountant up in northern Maine guiding white-water rafting tours.

I must say they all look a LOT happier than the folks I used to see around the office.

Just sayin'

 

[Roamer Blue]

Lots of stuff will cancel out on both sides of the ledger.

FORCE yourself to book "free time" first. It gets protected from EVERYTHING.

If you got the flu, you'd drop off the earth for a week, so why wouldn't a week of family time, and ONLY family time, be any different?

Turn the phone off for the weekend. Really? Are you that important, or is it that you AREN'T that important?

Bobbing down the river banging off the rocks, or fashion a paddle from a branch and choose a path thru the white water?

RV and boats.... use 'em, they are, after all, ESCAPE VEHICLES!!!

phone off...

RB

 

[ranger58sb]

“I’m sick of the rat race. I can’t take one more day. My life is too short to live it this way. I’m dialing the office put the boss man on. I’m not calling in sick. I’m calling in gone”
The Boat Drunks

Interesting first post.

Now take a deep breath...

And then consider designing a more graceful exit strategy, with timetable, milestones maybe, kid's involved in the plan, etc.

Where you want to be might be a nice place to get to, but how you get to it can have various pros and cons.

But in the meantime, you can probably start your boat shopping!

-Chris

 

[Genecop]

Don't worry, Be Happy..

 

[GregBrannon]

Welcome, and why are you here?

 

[kthoennes]

It's the eternal dilemma. If I weren't a rat on the hamster wheel (to mix metaphors) we couldn't afford the boat and all the other goodies. Unless you're a trust fund baby, can't have one without the other.

 

[averybill]

Dang I hope my final retirement is more fun[emoji926]

 

[tkrfxrs]

First of all, congratulations. You have a full and rich life. Be grateful you are not lonely and bereft of the life content that afflicts so many people.

What makes cruising so delicious and delightful is context. It is the escape from the frenetic pace of a full life that makes life on the water so therapeutic.

Embrace the fullness and richness of your life--the children and lessons and tournaments and obligations that you have. Then charter a boat 1-2 weeks a year, build your skills, and enjoy the scheming and planning and fantasizing about a life roaming the seas that we on this forum share. Vicarious thrills are still thrills. Enjoy the life you have now, the craziness that informs it, and build the knowledge and skills that may one day allow you to break the sullen bonds of conventional life.

Ice cream at every meal loses its charm. Dabble in your boating dream, prepare for its fulfillment, but don't neglect the richness that is in front of you. There is a season in life for every thing. Your season on the water will come.

 

[Painless]

When I was close to retirement I went into a cycling shop to buy a mountain bike. I was pondering IF I should purchase it.
The owner was about my age (68) at the time. He said come over to the counter.
He asked. “ What is a mans life expectancy in 2013? I said “ about 84”
He pulled out s tape measure and locked it at 84.
Then he said” you were born at this end, started school at 6, went to school until 28 ( for me with military and post grad). Worked from the 28th inch to 68 inches.
Now you have from 68 to where the tape was locked at 84.
It is something everyone should do because it graphically represents what’s left. And I have seen enough of my patients grow old to know that many times the last few inches on the tape are not a great quality of life......

Yes, I bought the bike and another boat!

 

[CaptTom]

Yes, I bought the bike and another boat!

Now THAT's what I call a salesman!

 

[GFC]

I'm kind of in the same boat as Calngone. My wife and I have been retired since the end of 2010 and, after working for over 50 years it took awhile to settle down and relax a bit, but then I got scared because I was worried that our funds would run out before our lives.


It took me awhile to realize that whatever was going to happen was going to happen. The best I could do was be a good shepherd of our retirement money, not squander it but spend it wisely.


So we bought Beachcomber. Go figure. Then, when the real estate market was just about at the bottom we bought a house in AZ. We already had a condo down there so the plan for the house was to flip it. We had a lot of fun buying new decorations and stuff at yard sales and in 2014 we sold it for a nice gain.


Then we put in a pool. You know the drill....happy wife, happy life. Then all the kids and grand kids started showing up and we never got on the boat. That didn't sit well with me so we agreed to a more equitable division of time and spent more time aboard.


So here we are coming into our 4th year with the pool, the kids moved into a neighborhood that has a community pool just 2 doors down the street that the kids can walk to. My wife is already sad because she's thinking she's not going to see the grand kids as much and I'm happy for the same reason.


Don't get me wrong, I love the kids and grand kids, but I REALLY LOVE the time we spend just sitting and relaxing somewhere at anchor. I miss going to sleep with the sound of waves lapping against the hull and the gentle rocking motion and the sound of seagulls as they search for food and all the other great things that go along with being on a boat.


Yup, LIVING THE AMERICAN DREAM.

 

[aboatman]

It took the death of my mother in law to convince my wife that we shouldn't wait until some time in the future to begin actually cruising in our boat. Now she loves it.

 

[GFC]

Aboatman, your comment struck a chord with me. My MIL is 102 years old. We bought this boat with the idea of taking it around the coast and spending a summer in Puget Sound, the San Juans and up into Canadian waters, but we don't want to do that while my MIL is still alive. In one way we're anxious to do that trip but the flip side is knowing that when we do that trip my MIL is no longer on the green side of the grass.


Double edged sword if I ever saw one.

 

[Crusty Chief]

Yep, was in the same boat. No pun intended.

Sold all the toys, several years back. Now working on selling the big house.

2016 a total of 92 days at the homestead, 2017 we will have close to the same. So big house is going on the market, and we will move into one of the rentals.

Just so we can spend even more time on the boat and away from the rat race.

Cant wait to head south in 2019 and dip my feet in warm water. Will probably complain about the heat then.

Life goes on.

Cheers

 

[Al]

I recently told John "Crusty Chief' in a PM that we have a medical issue in the family that will effect our retirement. Sorry about it? No, I and my wife retired at 59 years of age, we are now near 80. When the numbers of the retirement plan cyclied into the correct orbit, we pulled the pin. We had no debt, well placed investments, good health coverage as well good health,with the desire to 'Travel" not in the sense of leaving our wonderful state (Alaska) rather to enjoy all the wonders that surround us that included family. We have enjoyed all the outdoor boating one could ask for right her within a 100 mile radius of home with an twice a year drive through B.C. Canada to the lower 48 for scheduled medical visits incorporated with traveling through one of the most welcome and beautiful provinces of Canada, including its folks.
My Point? Drop out of all the stress factors that are keeping you from enjoying life. as to life, forget age, do what you desire, enjoy each day and each other.

Al-Ketchikan
We have had no regrets

 

[Lou_tribal]

I recently told John "Crusty Chief' in a PM that we have a medical issue in the family that will effect our retirement. Sorry about it? No, I and my wife retired at 59 years of age, we are now near 80. When the numbers of the retirement plan cyclied into the correct orbit, we pulled the pin. We had no debt, well placed investments, good health coverage as well good health,with the desire to 'Travel" not in the sense of leaving our wonderful state (Alaska) rather to enjoy all the wonders that surround us that included family. We have enjoyed all the outdoor boating one could ask for right her within a 100 mile radius of home with an twice a year drive through B.C. Canada to the lower 48 for scheduled medical visits incorporated with traveling through one of the most welcome and beautiful provinces of Canada, including its folks.
My Point? Drop out of all the stress factors that are keeping you from enjoying life. as to life, forget age, do what you desire, enjoy each day and each other.

Al-Ketchikan
We have had no regrets

L

 

[calngone]

Proof that life is a B then you die.

One of my biggest fears in life is retiring then shortly later passing away. It is not the dyeing part that bothers me it is busting your ass all of your life just to be able to enjoy a few short years.

About two weeks ago I lost a man that I greatly respected who is a big reason why I’m where I’m at in my career. Unfortunately over the 14 years I worked with him I had to watch his mental health deteriorate to the point where he was forced into retirement. After he retired myself and several people I work with tried contacting him and his wife, we left messages and never received a call back. Come to find out shortly after he retired his much younger wife decided that she did not sign up to take care of a man who was suffering with dementia and Alzheimer’s. She placed him in a home and moved back to where she was from leaving him behind with very infrequent visits. He got to enjoy the majority of his 1 year 5 months and 4 days of retirement suffering in a home by himself. When I asked about arrangements I was told he was being cremated and there no plans for a memorial services. There are special places in hell for people like this. So here I’am ¾ into a 5th having my own memorial service.

 

[GFC]

One of my biggest fears in life is retiring then shortly later passing away. It is not the dyeing part that bothers me it is busting your ass all of your life just to be able to enjoy a few short years.

Cal, might I suggest to you that fretting about when you're going to die might make that date come sooner than was originally planned? I've always been an optimist and when I retired I decided I was not going to sit in my rocker and wait for that fateful day to arrive.

I'm planning things that (if all goes as planned, and we know how that works) are many years in the future. If we get to that point and are able to do those things it will be great. Here's my mantra, courtesy of Hunter Thompson.....

"“Life should not be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside in a cloud of smoke, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming "Wow!"

Feel free to adopt that as your mantra. The more the merrier.

 

[BandB]

One of my biggest fears in life is retiring then shortly later passing away. It is not the dyeing part that bothers me it is busting your ass all of your life just to be able to enjoy a few short years.

About two weeks ago I lost a man that I greatly respected who is a big reason why I’m where I’m at in my career. Unfortunately over the 14 years I worked with him I had to watch his mental health deteriorate to the point where he was forced into retirement. After he retired myself and several people I work with tried contacting him and his wife, we left messages and never received a call back. Come to find out shortly after he retired his much younger wife decided that she did not sign up to take care of a man who was suffering with dementia and Alzheimer’s. She placed him in a home and moved back to where she was from leaving him behind with very infrequent visits. He got to enjoy the majority of his 1 year 5 months and 4 days of retirement suffering in a home by himself. When I asked about arrangements I was told he was being cremated and there no plans for a memorial services. There are special places in hell for people like this. So here I’am ¾ into a 5th having my own memorial service.

Don't judge those families or spouses dealing with Alzheimer's too harshly. You note she didn't sign up for taking care of a man with Alzheimer's, but she may not have been capable of doing so. It can be a 24/7 job and still one lack the qualifications to do it. If wealthy enough one can afford to get all the needed help at home but to expect a spouse to be able to do so by herself isn't reasonable as the disease progresses. It can even be dangerous. I knew a man, who had many illnesses himself, taking care of his wife who had it. The nurse who came during the day kept trying to tell him he had to do something. When his wife tried to kill him during his sleep, he finally made the decision, but suffered from guilt until he died. I've known spouses who religiously visited their spouse who had Alzheimer's daily. I knew one who did so faithfully for two years after he stopped recognizing her. She nearly killed herself doing so from the damage to her mental and physical health. Every day too we read of Alzheimer patients at home who wander away.

I wouldn't want and, if able to prevent, wouldn't allow my spouse to ever suffer the trauma of spending day after day with me if I had severe Alzheimer's. One thing about the disease that I've come to know is that the family suffers far more than the patient in many cases. The patient isn't aware fully or accepts the reality but the family sees the one they love so unable to do even the simplest things, unable to remember what you said 30 seconds ago, unable to then remember you. They also say and do very hurtful things and you try to keep in mind it's not really them. However, I know a daughter who is a teacher and daily when she'd visit her mother would remind her she wanted a lawyer. The daughter had no kids and her mother would complain about no grandchildren. The mother would even confabulate (make up a history but in her mind it's very real) on some days and have many children and grandchildren and all the other children more successful than this daughter.

You saw Alzheimer's at it's mildest stage. You didn't experience not recognizing people, not remembering 30 seconds ago, anger and behavioral issues, incontinence, openly wishing one was dead, needing help for all activities from eating to restroom to showering to brushing teeth.

The right place for most advanced Alzheimer patients is Memory Care but it costs now anywhere from $5000-15000 a month and the patients even get to where they can't stay there if a threat to themselves or others and then it's a nursing home. This is the one disease I fear more than any other and more than I fear it myself, I fear my wife having to deal with it if I had it. I don't want her to sacrifice her life for me or to have to see me like that.

Now, I feel your pain and suffering but can't tell you had you been able to see him it would be any less. The last 14 months of an Alzheimer's patient generally is brutal for others. No, you lost your friend and mentor, not today but 17 months ago. I just tried to imagine the same with my former boss and mentor and friend and even though he's now 87 and still going strong with no signs of dementia, still working, it's painful. Your post is a reminder of how much he's meant to me. I can't imagine if he got Alzheimer's and his wife, the board of his company, others would face making him step down and it's a public company so they would have to. Just him no longer being able to play bridge is a terrible thought. I'm sure he'd prefer to die first. I know I would and yet that's not a choice we have. Yes, he'd have all the money it took to be cared for at home but to lost the company he founded and is synonymous with, to lose all his brilliance, what a horrific thought.

As to post death, both my wife and I have instructions for cremation and no funeral. We each have privately given other instructions, hidden in our safe in sealed envelopes and more likely instructions for fun things to do with family and friends. We don't want mourning, although not really in out control, but we want celebrations of our lives. I would carry out her wishes as she would mine, no matter how much I was hurting or how hard it was.

 

[BandB]

One of my biggest fears in life is retiring then shortly later passing away. It is not the dyeing part that bothers me it is busting your ass all of your life just to be able to enjoy a few short years.
.

Wifey B: Hubby directed this part to me. All you can do is live each day to it's fullest. You don't know how many more you have. None of us know. I'm just a kid but I could go tomorrow. It's not how many years working vs retired, it's how many years enjoying your life. If you can while working, that's great. If you aren't, find a way.

I'm retired or mostly so and love it but I've loved every day working or not since October 13, 2000, the day my life became wonderful. I insisted on a fun life and corrupted hubby into enjoying it. Student may be better than teacher now but I don't think quite. The day we realized we could retire, we did. But up to that point, we made time to enjoy, we turned down jobs that could have made us instantly rich, we said no to moves to places we didn't want to live. Even offers from a man we both greatly respect but living on Lake Norman in NC versus Omaha, NE? Yes, I know, Missouri River. We were told how great it is. But tonight in Omaha, 20 degrees, then tomorrow night 17 and the next night 15, then 13, 9, 13, 13, 2, 6, 4, -2, 6, 2, 5, 2 before finally on Jan 5 the low is back up to 17. Omfg no. I'm a Southern Belle and could never survive. He couldn't either.

Can't tell you what's right or wrong for you. Doesn't have to be all or none. I wish more people could partially retire earlier. But enjoy this year whether working or retired. Don't wait for some future time to enjoy life.

As to how to enjoy, the way Mama Cass tells you, not necessarily the way she did.

 

[ksanders]

I often feel exactly the same as the OP, well I used to feel that way.

It became WAY worse after we bought our boat. For a couple of years I was intolerable to the wife.

She told me to be patient, and to not wish old age upon us too quickly.

Well, the end is in sight. I will retire sometime between 58 when my pension is due, and 59 1/2 when tax defered savings become available.

The exact date will be determined by how things go business wide between now and then.

To the OP...

This will all sort itself out. The kids will move out, and the rest of your life will come together after that.

I’ll repeat what my very wise wife said...

Don’t wish old age on yourself too quickly. Enjoy today.

 

[FF]

"Dang I hope my final retirement is more fun".

Fun is where you find it or make it.

I only know I have far less free time retired than working for a living.

Even shrinking the "to do" list to what I want to do is a very full day.

 

[cardude01]

I’ll repeat what my very wise wife said...



Don’t wish old age on yourself too quickly. Enjoy today.

This! I sometimes fall into the rabbit hole of planning too obsessively on all the things we will do when the planets align and we can go off on our “grand adventure”, and I forget to enjoy the present.

Thanks for the reminder.